Summer Wardrobe Rules

Sunday, May 11, 2008 |

As I witnessed some atrocious crimes of fashion today, I feel it necessary to post......drum roll.....

Erica's Fashion Rules for Summer Church Attendance

1) Shirt must meet skirt. I understand the creeping up of the shirt in the back when you are sitting, but please plan ahead accordingly by not wearing a thong that creeps above the level of the skirt.

2) No junky flip flops with stains that show the places where your feet have made permanent marks. It's hard to draw the line sometimes between a sandal and a really nice flip flop but foot stains and ripped foam are key elements that get the everyone in trouble for one person's crimes.

3) No white or light colored skirts without slips. Just because they sell it in a store without a built in lining doesn't mean we all need to see your panties or peachy keen butt cheeks through the skirt. It's called a slip. It was created for this very purpose! LET IT FULFILL THE MEASURE OF ITS CREATION! Do slips and your fellow church attendees a favor!

4) If your skirt is made in a clingy soft fabric- in a flowy design......once again- the SLIP. You will be getting a wedgie otherwise and I don't want to see your skirt bunched between the aforementioned peachy cheeks. Or see you grabbing your butt to pull and reposition every 2 minutes.

5) Shave your armpits. We are not European. This is all.

6) If your feet look like those of a person left in the desert for weeks and then gnawed on by coyotes....please wear closed toes shoes. No one wants to see cracked heels as wide as the grand canyon or nails half-ripped off. Also- every once in a while do everyone a favor and repaint your toenails.

7) Continuing with the foot theme. We all know not all feet are made the same. My toesies are not the same as even my sister's. But this should apply universally. Do NOT wear strappy sandals with the pinky toe coming up OVER the last strap while the rest fit under. If your pinky toe doesn't fit under the straps- the shoes don't fit you right and you MOVE ALONG. Do not under any circumstances buy the shoes and wear them.

8) Yes. You have to wear a bra to church. No arguing. No exceptions. It is the LAW. And no, your bikini top does NOT count.

Ok- that is all for now. Please feel free to add and amend and give to those who are ignorant and committing these crimes as we speak.

9 comments:

Gabby said...

I think women our age (or younger, because I know you're several years younger than me) think that slips are for moms and old ladies. Sadly, this is not true. I do think, however, it's part of our society, because (and I could be mistaken) unless you shop in a department store in the lingerie section, you can't find a slip (usually) -- are they found in the lingerie sections (such as they are) of specialty stores? I have a white long slip, a black long slip, and a short white slip (all for every day purposes). It's not old lady, it's called being classy (among other things).

(And I so wanted to wear sandals this Sunday to church, but I desperately need a pedi, so slip-on shoes it was.)

WhiteEyebrows said...

wow... were we in the same meetings yesterday? I guess I just wasn't looking at these things. It was bound to happen, though, with the weather turning so nice. Maybe this should be covered during announcements next week.

Alison said...

This is all sound advice. So I would like to add a "forever and ever, amen" to that. Man, oh, man I'm glad I only saw the one you pointed out yesterday.

And yes, my toes need to be repainted, but there's no need to be caddy and bust me out! Gee. Besides, you already know that I had to postpone my pedicure for a friend's birthday festivities this Tuesday. ;) (I'm just kidding by the way. I make this statement just in case anyone might take this as me being serious. We have to be careful about the people who may not read my comments carefully and take offense now-a-days. sigh.)

And . . . scene.

Tamara said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tamara said...

Amen and amen. And amen too Gabby to. Class/elegance never goes out of style.

The girls you described would do well to borrow a page from some book besides "Tramping for Dummies." Seriously, I can't believe people need to be told these things.

Perhaps we should run a separate institute class called "how to dress so as not to be mistaken for a lady of the night." It's as if people think there are no options between dressing like the aforementioned tramps or like a sister missionary. Work with me, people!

Rhia Jean said...

Ha! to the double Ha! That was great! I'm not sad to say that I will be missing out on all of that this summer...hopefully.

Erica said...

Gabby- I agree that the younger generation seems to have missed the slips boat completely.

Tamara- Hello- I take offense as a sister missionary who was totally hot. Hee hee. I can't even keep my face straight for that. I had to be told to "slut it up" after I ccame back because I was still so caught up in matching the wallpaper in rooms and wearing loooong skirts. What was I thinking?

That reminds me - here's a nice way of phrasing the foot ugliness issue. Don't expose your feet if they look like those of a sister missionary. Mine had to remain hidden and in healing for like 2 years afterward. And still are slightly jacked up. Woah. Sister missionary feet can be criminally nasty.

Got Bombshell? said...

LOVE your list, and totally agree!!!
Also, no halter tops that make you appear to not be wearing a shirt on the front pew; no mini-skirts, esp denim, cut off ones; and don't wear your boyfriend's work shirt with a patch that says "orkin."
All these offenses brought by the "bug boys'" clan (of girls) a few summers ago. On the same Sunday.
And about slips, when did the slip become so optional (sp?)? It's not.

Erica said...

Holy Crud. Maigen.....that Orkin girl was a crime of fashion and taste in just about every sense. You can't wear a bug company uniform to church with a skirt and flip flops. Even the guys don't wear their uniforms... she might as well have come in a mechanic's jumpsuit. That was so heinously awful.