In the beginning...there was beef and the beef was slathered in KC Masterpiece.

For any poor soul who doesn't know this- take note- you will help yourself out. Use this blog as a reference guide or survival manual if ya will. First recognize something.

We are Southern People. We do things a different way. The right way.

Now that we have made that clear, allow me to give you a lesson that might save your life one day.

Let me preach to you .........the Gospel of Meat.

What is a Cookout? I think universally this term denotes cooking outside. Hot dogs and hamburgers might be involved.

Helpful Tip - (if only hot dogs are going to be cooked you might want to call it a weenie roast(if you are secure enough if your manhood) or just say- We're going to have hot dogs. So simple and easy. Both are a safe bet to prevent the irate hamburger lover's disappointed wrath)

A cookout is something enjoyed around the nation for special events and for cheap dining for family nights. Whee! We're outside. Whee! It smells like something was burning! We have accomplished a caveman-esque task of human life. We burn meat. Make fire. Grrr. (Chest thump)

Now- pay real close attention here Yankees and save yourself a whole world of trouble.

What is a Barbeque?

A Barbeque is an event where real cuts of meat will be served. Real meat. At this point you might be thinking to yourself " Miss Erica, ground beef is real meat that's been ground to itty-bitty pieces!!" That may be nice for you in the North but down here I expect brisket when I attend something someone calls a barbeque. Possibly grilled chicken, maybe ribs, or steak, or sausage. There dang well better be some type of quality real still-in one-piece meat or blood might be shed. And it might be yours. Or your kin's. It behooves those who have been warned to warn their neighbor.

I have literally gone home in tears because some unknowing fool announced a barbeque and I showed up to hot dogs. It shouldn't happen. I lose my cool and start hitting things when I expect brisket and get Oscar Mayer parts. Heaven help us when I have a craving for brisket that gets thwarted!!!

If you can't put barbeque sauce on it- you can't call it barbeque. That should be simple enough.

I have lived in the South for the past 25 years and let me tell you what. If I want a freaking hot dog I will drive through Sonic for a Foot-long Coney. Can you recreate that genius combination of chili and melted cheese and fresh bun for me at your "BBQ"- I think not. And if so will you serve it to me with a Cherry Limeade or an Ocean Water? I rest my case. So ......if y'all are gonna cook and eat outside you best do it right. With real meat.

I honestly can't understand why hot dogs are worth the effort of outdoor cooking outside of camping. If you're gonna go outside and you can keep your meat refrigerated- use the real stuff. Do yourself and everyone a favor. If you've gotta be a cheapo- call it what it is and prevent your appearance on the next edition of COPS as the victim of the skewering.

I'm just trying to help you out. Bless your hearts. It makes me feel good to lift y'all from the bonds of ignorance. Don'tcha feel freer? Do ya minds feel enlightened with wisdom?

Now go home and apply this in your daily lives and trouble me no more with your dang hot dog barbeques.

The Texas Polygamist Roundup Ye-haw!!!

Ok.......I may have been born in Cali but I have been in Texas for all of my school since 1st grade. My formative years are Texan. I love my state. I love barbeque. I love bluebonnets. I love the Alamo. I love Braums. I went to Texas A&M.....arguably the biggest cowboy school in existance. I don't really speak with an accent unless I try, but when I let it out I can sound truly Texan baby with a southern draaaaawl.

Why is this important to know? Because I am honestly embarrased that the Polygamists came to Texas. When I go to the CNN webpage and see that they are reporting from the San Angelo area it makes me a little nauseous. Why did the wierdos have to come to my beau-tee-ful state and pollute it? And give all the Baptists more ammo for the next Mormons are goin to HELL sermon. As if they didn't preach enough false doctrine about us already!!! ARGG!!!!!

This is the state of the independent soul. The free spirit! We used to be another country dang it!! We still as a state have wayyy more authority over what happens here due to the terms of the treaty when we became a part of the US.
In short.....TEXAS ROCKS!!

Polygamy ...Doesn't rock. Warren Jeffs is scary gross. Yuck. Shudder. As an actual Latter Day Saint I don't have any sympathy for the fundamentalists' gross male leaders forcing 13 yr olds to marry middle aged men. That's child abuse straight up. In fact I am confused that they didn't just completely change their church's name when they broke off!! HONESTLY PEOPLE!!! And yet as a Latter Day Saint, they feel like I should be shamed into feeling sympathy or something since we had polygamy in our shared past so long ago. I admit I feel a kinship with those girls in long skirts-since I wear sleeves and knee shorts. That's about all. I feel sympathy for any religion with extreme tenets for the followers' daily life or a history of persecution due to my own family history and beliefs. Down at Texas A&M we learned alot about Judaism at our Institute of Religion because our director was close friends with the Rabbi. We had a great friendship with the Jewish Students. I had a Hindu friend growing up. And some hard-core catholic girls. People who really live their religion tend to be my friends regardless of what religion it is.

I have to say though......polygamy is a controversial topic for LDS people. They're hitting us right where it hurts. We can't deny that our ancestors practiced it. We haven't been polygamists now for over a century. And we believe in obeying our national laws. And it's against the law here. Who even cares about the law- I don't think we would arrange underage marriages or wear pioneer clothes and live in connecting trailers in any case. At least I shall never do such a thing. That's the fundamentalists own invention.

The truly appalling part is the forced marriages of underage girls -that is the most heinous part and the part that is most totally NOT from any shared mormon past. How on EARTH could any one say that is OK??!! Marriage is by choice. Anyone who is forcing people to do anything- especially underage girls- is NOT practicing any type of belief system that is based on the same things I believe. Individual right to choose in your life is the most basic part of my religion and always has been. It makes me sick that those dirty old men twisted doctrine around and made new stuff up until it became part of getting into heaven to let a old lecher knock you up. There couldn't be anything more wrong to me.

Thinking about it makes all kinds of words I'm not supposed to say because I'm LDS come into my head. I become filled with the urge to beat someone. I want to be a lawyer just so I can prosecute them and lock them up. I used to work for a domestic violence shelter and I am very very sensitive to the topic of abuse. No fundamentalist better try to get ANY sympathy from me and play off our shared origins of religion. Our religions couldn't BE more different. They might have come from alien pods for all the common ground we share if they don't acknowledge the prophet and they abuse kids. Nuff said.

So anyways it's getting late and I have tests coming up. I probably shouldn't rage endlessly on this topic, but I had to say- LOCK THOSE BASTARDS UP!!!!!!!

If I know Texas as well as I think I do.......we so will.