The Tale of the Sonic Shadow and the Bunny

Friday, September 26, 2008 |

And now for your Halloween reading pleasure......I give you the spooky story of.....

The Sonic Shadow and the Bunny

Let us hearken back .......many many years ago. Sooooooo many years ago. Back to when the George Bush Toll Road/190 did not exist. When no one but the Packards had heard of Wylie or....... how do you say it .....Sack-See?  A day in the early 90's. When Madonna had a Secret and not an adopted African child. The distant past.

In these olden days, a Daria-like high school age girl was off from her monotonous job slaving away at a local Ross. Where customer service was really a front for the local narcotics trade. But I digress. This particular day she wanted to relax and enjoy the summer. But she had been stuck at home with her younger sister who is known as The Bunny. The Bunny always got her way in their house by using her Bunny eyes and her Bunny whine on their parents. Thus the Bunny wanted to try out her new driving skills and be the chauffeur for a trip to ......Lake Lavon. Alterna-Daria protested, but the Bunny was determined and AD figured her life was less at risk in the middle of a weekday than at any other time so she agreed. 

The Bunny managed to safely make her way to the Lake(or is it a cess pit?) and the girls tried to attract all of the cancerous UV rays they could to their slave-labor pasty bodies. As Texas was an inferno in August then, as it continues to be now, the young ladies were FRIGGIN HOT. They would have liked to dedicate more time to their melanomas, but they were mere millimeters from heat stroke. Especially Alterna-Daria who only sweats from her face and retains heat. Bunny and AD decided to make their way back home to avoid AD tossing her cookies. Back in the day in Wylie, one store, one beacon of hope existed for summer sufferers. SONIC. Like a mirage in the middle of abandoned carpet stores and trailer homes with Playschool gyms, the Sonic stood for all that was good and right and tasty in the world. 

The Bunny and Alterna-Daria made a pilgrimage to this sacred Sonic every time they came to the Lake(?). The Bunny pulled in to a parking space and rolled down her window. She and AD ordered their Route 66 drinks and The Bunny rolled her window back up to conserve the car's A/C. As she pushed the window-up button, the skies darkened slightly and a crow cawed as it landed on the red Sonic roof. 

The girls sang along to "Genie in a Bottle" and talked away, unaware that a devilish fate was circling in upon them. Minutes passed and AD looked for their girl-on-wheels to bring the drinks but the Bunny sang away and never once glanced outside of the car. She was completely oblivious that the seconds ticking away brought her closer to ......The Shadow.

Our villainous Shadow worked inside the Sonic and was known for her stealthy moves and invisible style, but only to those who knew she existed. Many employees had only heard of the Shadow, but had never seen her. She was that good at the shadowy game. She had grown up a middle child with mousy brown hair in a middle class family. No one ever paid her any mind which bothered her for quite some time until she realized that invisibility could work to her advantage. She began to study the art of spying and disappearing into the woodwork. Forced by her middle class mediocrity to seek a job, she applied at the local Sonic and figured she could practice her "ghost on wheels" technique. She had delivered many a Coney, many a Tot, and no one remembered the elusive phantom who delivered the fatty goodness.

This hot August day, the Shadow figured she had her perfect storm. Two girls singing along like fools to the  music in the car. Blonds too. Blech. They'd never realize she'd been there till she was back in the kitchen moving on to her next victim. The fools. 

The Shadow loaded up the Route 66 drinks on her tray and rolled toward the crappy white Mystique. As her skates turned, she prepared her most forgettable voice. "1.98 please. Thanks." roll away. It was almost TOO perfect. As she approached, the taller girl turned and saw her, but the younger one in the driver's seat kept singing. And singing. Was she ever going to realize her order had arrived?? How unorthodox. Typically people watched for their food. This younger girl seemed to NOT CARE about her drink. It was over 100 degrees out. Was she crazy?? The Shadow was perplexed. What to do??

Making a decision she would regret her whole life, the Shadow bit her lower lip and knocked on the window. And all hades broke loose. 

The young blond girl turned into a raving maniac, screaming at the top of her lungs and ripping away at the ceiling of the car. She kicked her feet into the gas pedal and floorboards of the parked car as if she was being attacked. The scream went on and on, even after she turned and looked the Shadow dead in the eye and saw her order sitting right there. 

The Shadow, unnerved by the convulsive epileptic death scream, started to scream herself and tossed the drinks in the air. Luckily she managed to catch them on the tray before they spilled all over her. The Shadow's stealth operation was now not only compromised, she was totally humiliated. 

The young girl rolled down the window of the white car, and, barely able to breathe, said "I'm sorry- you scared me." The older blond girl only laughed- apparently also unable to breathe. The Shadow thought she heard her say "I swear I'm gonna pee myself" but she could never be certain.

The Shadow said"1.98 please. Thanks." And rolled away in shame. Her shoulders hunched. Her invisibility having been too effective for the first time. As the kitchen door swung shut, the wind carried her cry"Marsha Marsha Marsha!!"

And the Bunny? What happened to our blond fluffy friend? Did the trauma of the Shadow's silent attack affect her in any way? Nope- still hopping along to Sonic. But now she stares at the kitchen door like a hawk. Bunny will never allow the Shadow to sneak up on her again. But she will continue to need a Cherry Limeade during the summer. It's Texas. Mortal Fear vs. Refreshing Drink -it's really a cost/benefit analysis type of situation. 

Bad Writing Challenge!!!

Saturday, September 20, 2008 |

Ok friends. On one of those dumb ads on facebook they managed to suck me in to a contest to write the best story in six words. How F*U*N is that?!!! But you had to create a membership to their website blah blah blah. Not gonna happen.

So let's bring it on right here right now. A writing contest. But in 7 words cause that is my lucky number.

Your best story or funny poem in 7 words.

For example:

Men, Chocolate:Love one, lose the other.

Green Frog + Pink Pig/amber waves=LOVE

Erica says "This calls for Lady Gloves!"

Let the madness begin.....

Film Noir Vignettes

Monday, September 15, 2008 |

Instead of the typical quotes I now have for you a series of conversations for you. Please take them in the avante-garde, art-house film style they were meant to be shown in. This is classy stuff. Imagine a foggy night where the black and white film is mostly shades of gray........

A woman pulls her blue hoodie up over her hair, dons her big sunglasses and rolls down the car the car window........
"Hey look! I'm Little Blue Riding G! Whut!"
She then tries to spit her gum out the car window like a man and instead launches it about three inches in front of her to land on the upholstery.

In an attempt to imitate a creepy kid in Texas Chainsaw Massacre..........
"The road don't go there." unsuccessful snort
"Excuse me?"
"The road don't go there." slightly more successful snort
"Whatever you say Clarisse"(in Hannibal Lecter voice)
"Huh? I'm quoting Texas Chainsaw Massacre- not Silence of the Lambs"
"I'm sorry to tell you that unfortunately you sound more like Anthony Hopkins" very successful snort
"FINE. The road don't go there" Snooooort. "Fava Beans and Chianti"

"What is that in the middle of the road? Cement and black stuff?"
"It looks like a grey sweater and tire parts"
"I think it's grey cement and something that goes with grey cement"
"To me I say a cement ploppy and a dastardly mustache shaped tire part"
"Hee hee! Oh NO!!!!! You're driving too close to it! AAAHHHHH! Oh's really just cement"
"I know."
"Maybe a cement turd if you will."
"I prefer cement ploppy but whatever. It was a messy pile o' cement."
"OOooh. I take that back. Cement and turd don't go together."
"They do if you eat shredded wheat. "
"Too true. That reminds me I need to stop eating oatmeal at work."

Quotitas Fantabulosas

Thursday, September 11, 2008 |

"Surely you can clean your pile while I am still sitting in your pile"

"When did you have your warm delight? Last night?!!! Is that why it looks like a crusty delight now?"

"My mascara looks like Jessica Simpson when she goes on TV."

"I wanna itch my butt like Baloo the bear! You mean against a tree? Not just any tree- a coconut tree."

"I want to thank you for one thing about today ...which was the opportunity to meet someone more anal retentive than myself."

"The only reason we seem immature and talkative is because they are old and introverted. So their opinions don't matter. They're introverts dang it!! Why are they getting any input? Why are they even talking? Maybe I should stop talking."

A Little List of Things You Never Say

Saturday, September 6, 2008 |

So while I was at work today someone crossed a social line that I thought was pretty much uncrossable. Along the same lines as the "don't ask a woman her age, don't ask if they've put on weight" rule.

Today a LADY I had never met walked up and looked at my co-worker's engagement photos. Which are way way cute I might add. So this LADY walks up and says....oh....are these your engagement photos? So my coworker says yes. And they are taped into her work"box o supplies" so they are obviously pics she likes......or so you would think if you were a normal person.

So my co-worker says ...yeah I am amazed they came out so well with it being 100 degrees out. If you compare the beginning of the session to the end you can see we look flushed from the heat. But they came out really well. My fiancee looks so cute.

So LADY says hmmm you look really awkward in these though. His arms are all stiff and unnatural. This one looks better than the rest though. It's hard to pick which is good- sweat versus awkward pose.

So my coworker had no response. Just uncomfortable laughter and a hurt look.

SERIOUSLY??!!!! WHO on EARTH thinks it's OK to criticize someones engagement pics which are already final and they obviously love and have taped to their work space???

It is one thing to help a friend pick out which shots are best when they are still evaluating and asking your honest opinion. It is a WHOLE other thing to walk up and comment about pics they already chose. What's awful to me is that all of the pictures really are adorable and I hope my coworker isn't all self conscious now about them cause of one crazy person. They didn't look awkward at all. Or sweaty. I know if I was her I would probably obsess over it though.

It's like telling someone they have an cute-ish baby or their boyfriend looks like he is a nice guy. What? You obviously hope to say that in a super passive aggressive way so the person is hurt and has doubts but is unable to blame you. LAME.

Did I mention that I can't stand people who end saying ugly things with "I'm just being honest"

Grrrrrrrrr. People just have no business saying some things.

And now- a shout out to all my friends. I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!

I am glad I know such lovely people who give me proof that there are normal functioning people out there who aren't rude or mean. It is through your support that I am able to go out and face the world knowing I can get through anything. If I was around the "special" crowd night and day I don't know how I would survive. I thank you all for being fabulous,hilarious, and the kind of crazy I like to be around.

Be my sheep

Wednesday, September 3, 2008 |

I just added the new "Followers" application to my blog. So....for the first time in my life I am saying...BE A FOLLOWER. You can be a leader too. I will follow your blogs. But for right now this is your next task should you choose to accept it. Then all my blog updates show up on your google-ey dashboard. And I can see who my readers are without stalking you on google analytics. FUN!

FYI- Re: stalking on google analytics. Whoever has read my blog from Algeria, New Zealand, Sweden, Finland, the UK, Turkey,Colombia etc keep it up. I heart random countries that read my blogs!!! It warms my heart with childlike wonder everytime I see a new country. I am all Carmen Sandiego fascinated about it.

The Story of Checkout Ben

Tuesday, September 2, 2008 |

There once was a 19 yr old boy with tall, dark, & emo good looks whose only dream was to be in an amazing rock band. Or to play Rock Band. He would probably eventually become something quite nerdy for the money, but for now-it was all about the music.

The dreams of 19 year olds are not often already fulfilled and most unlucky post-high school acne-prone boys are forced to seek employment in places that are most absurd. Our hero Ben was driven by poverty and circumstance to apply at many stores in East Plano and it just so happened that Kohl's welcomed him as a valuable employee. You see... Ben was quite the diamond in the rough...and with Kohl's new lines of hard rockin' Hilary Duff and Miley Cyrus merchandise...Little Ben was sure to catch the eye of all of the teenyboppers in black leggings and plastic jewelry.

On this particular day though.....Ben was not living up to his potential. He had no reason to shine. All the cute girlies were back at school after Labor Day. It was windy outside. Just a quiet day to work in general. One of those days that there seemed to be no perks to working at a store famous for friggin awesome discounts.

As Ben stood there bored at his checkout counter.... a lovely and amazing woman(Cougar E) walked up to make her purchase. Ben thought to himself" If I were Mormon and like 10 years older I would aggressively pursue and marry this women, but Alas I am 19 and no one knows my religion." The lovely lady handed over her dirt cheap satiny shirt into Ben's capable hands. Ben said "Hi....Thanks for shopping at Kohl's today. Would you like to open a Kohl's charge and save 10%" which was secret code for "I love you".

The mysterious hottie said only " No thanks" which he knew meant "I think I love you too."

Made clumsy by his feelings, Ben turned quickly away and scanned the shirt's tag. And that was when tragedy ensued. Ben doubled over to get a bag for the shirt and stood up. He felt a funny feeling in the pit of his stomach and then his throat and then..NOOO!!!


Silence. Crickets. It appears she didn't notice. Or maybe she noticed and she's too polite to say anything. Maybe I should say something. But what?

"Your shirt's so cute it made me burp."

Once again. Silence. No wait she's turning to look at me!

"Huh?" OH NO!! She's offended!!!

"Ummm...nothing. Cash or Charge?"

As she completed the transaction by herself using the card swiper, Ben had a mental breakdown filled with whys. Why had he drank a coke with lunch? Why had he leaned over so fast? Why had he BLAMED HER SHIRT???

As he stood there face flaming and turned to face the register he never noticed that the lady's eyes teared up and that she had to bite her lip to keep quiet. In reality the lady couldn't tell if he burped or if it was another sound and the shock caused a time delay. Then she was further shocked by the joke and her only intelligible response was "Huh?!" until crazy laughter took over.

As the lady walked out of the store, she said "Goodbye! Thanks!" but poor Ben was too distracted by his shame to hear.

And thus we see the beginning of Ben.....who will become a rock star. Once he figures out how to turn burp-shame and word-vomit into angst-ridden lyrics gold.

Poor Ben.

Dear Bloggie,

Since I had today off.....and totally slaved away yesterday....and totally didn't shop on Saturday.....I way deserved to shop today. So I did. No recriminations bloggie. It was some well needed me time. And as I was driving home tonight at 9pm I thought to myself...why do I love shopping so? (I also thought- I am glad I got lunch at 1 instead of "waiting til I get home to eat lunch" since my trip lasted a leeeetle bit longer than intended)

Here's another thinker bloggie- Why am I not on Project Runway since at least once a month I get an idea in my head for a whole outfit or maybe just one specific item that apparently does not in reality exist although it SHOULD. And I spend endless hours shopping for something that does not exist.

Let us review the items that I apparently cannot find.

1) A sweater dress made for a woman with boobs. Yes I said boobs. And all you flat girls bite me. I get to whine about clothes not fitting on my own blog darn it. I have literally tried on like 15 sweater dresses....not ONE of which fit me correctly. ARGGGGG!!!!!

2) A pair of grey knee high boots. For realz bloggie, this item has been my holy grail since 2006. I found one pair for about 400 dollars last year that were still not even exactly what I was looking for even if I was a lottery winner and didn't have monster calves that never fit in boots anyways. Even if I couldn't afford them or fit in them, to know my dream boots existed would make me happy. Right now those boots are like the rattle in your car that is not there when the mechanic drives it. Please prove that I'm not crazy !!! ACCIO BOOTS!!!

I am so frustrated by my search for jewelry that I resorted to going to Michael's and (beading) tonight. I would be ashamed of taking up the 12 yr old girls sleepover hobby, but I've been driven to it. DRIVEN bloggie. Over the edge it seems.

This obsessive need to locate the perfect item has occurred in the past. For example- my red hoodie search ended happily last summer at JC Penney after many years of fruitless searching and pining.

Do men understand this impulse at all bloggie? The need to find the item of your dreams? The pull of the sale rack? The satisfaction of buying a skirt at one store and shirt at another that totally match. And then finding amazing shoes later that were made for the outfit? The heavens smile down upon me sometimes, choirs sing, violins play, and a warm glow emanates from the "the perfect(and on SALE) outfit".

Bloggie....I see you looking at the shopping bags sitting in my room. Ummm.....(guilty smile)Listen, I am finished shopping for this week. Ok and next week too. I will totally be good and pay off more school stuff. And eat at home. And try to not buy another purse even though....

Ok one more

3) The perfect dark magenta soft leather purse. I see a bunch of wallets in the right color scheme but no purses. Where is my magenta purse??

Oh. Um. So yeah. I got distracted. What was I saying bloggie? Oh yeah. I promise not to buy stuff for a while. Apparently the fashion industry has your same interests at mind and won't make awesome stuff for me to buy anyways right now. Jerks.

Hey! I was calling them jerks, not you bloggie. You're so sensitive.