Life Lessons from Hitchcocktober

Thursday, October 9, 2008 |

After unexpectedly getting off work earlier than anticipated yesterday, I went to see Dial M for Murder- one of the few Hitchcock movies I haven't seen. Yay! It was cheesier and more hysterical than I ever anticipated. And the thrilling movie had many lessons to teach me. As a young person there is much I apparently never knew about life and I will share it with the rest of you.

1) If you have a Lover, you should keep only the most dirty letter around and call it "the letter" cause if you only saved one of many, as a guy, your lover will know which one it is when you say " You know... THE Letter".  

2) The face you make when accused of a murder out of nowhere - also the same face you make when you think you smell pancakes. Nostrils flared, mouth open, occasional sniffing. It's not nearly as shocking as I had previously thought. Apparently it's pretty mouth-watering to be accused of murder. 

3) It is apparently perfectly acceptable to be excited about your tramp girlfriend accused of murder having a complete mental breakdown in the future. And I quote " You're going to have the most fantastic breakdown!" Said with all the glee of a kid about to get a new bike at Christmas while hugging her to comfort her. long as I have something to look forward to I guess I CAN go through the death penalty trial with my chin up. Thanks honey!

4) Writing in all CAPS makes any handwriting totally unintelligible. Seriously. It's like your note fell from an alien planet. Who could have written this?? We'll never know- it was written in caps. Might be Bobo the Elephant with a pen in her trunk....might be a first grader....or even the Unibomber. It will forever remain a mystery ...alas.

5) Police stealing of evidence is totally cool as long as you can use it in a dramatic way to catch a crook. The fact that you had to run errands around town with the evidence for hours if not days to figure out what you had stolen and what to do with it is irrelevant. You're a cop. Feel free to try stuff out.

6) UK courts have a totally awesome idea. Place kinderfoto backgrounds behind the witness box so that when a person is filmed for a trial they have an attractive faux finish behind them instead of the boring courtroom. 

7) They totally have hot rollers at the prison. And they will keep the clothes you got booked in nice and cute and clean for you in case you have an impromptu visit home. A girl can't go home from prison looking less than swell.

8) I am glad they don't have "radio programs" anymore or all you married girls might be stuck at home. How can a woman want to go out and see friends on a Saturday night? Are you being ridiculous? Men may go out all night, but women should stay in. It's the law. That's like asking to go out to the market without stockings on. Preposterous! Your hubbie says just listen to your radio program or do some mending. That's entertaining enough for the females. 

9) It is extremely difficult if not impossible to use your Visa to hire a hitman. The lesson- take out ordinary sums all the time from the ATM and save them. Then gamble alot to throw people off the trail if you do get seen with money and in a year you might have enough in small bills to hire your killer. Wait. That doesn't make sense. I thought you lost money gambling weekly. That lesson makes no sense at ALL. I protest Hitchcock. I don't think you can hoard money AND have a gambling habit. Maybe I just don't know how to do it right. 

10) Really attractive, really rich women still scrape the bottom of the barrel with men. Is there hope for anyone? Only if you're OK with cheaters who are amused by your mental breakdown. Sad......tear.

11) Sleeping alone in a twin bed is no reason not to wear a hot negligee, tousle your curls and wear red lipstick to bed. You're dressing for you, not some man. 

Ok- off to curl my hair and darn socks. That's how us wealthy girl stay wealthy. 


Tuesday, October 7, 2008 |

Ok- for reals. For MONTHS now I have had like 3 or 4 hits a day on my review of A Thousand Splendid Suns. I would have absolutely no problem with sharing my point of view and throwing my opinion out into the wide wide world of electronic data.....EXCEPT - out of three or four hits a day, maybe one search is the title of the book and the other three are "A Thousand Splendid Suns Book Report". CHEAP! People, I fully understand researching a topic and getting stuff to talk about for papers. I have spent more than my share of time in school, but seriously. I never googled the words "Book Report".

I seriously feel like looking up some universities and sending them my blog just to screw you all over. Be original cretins. And FYI- my thoughts aren't that original I am sure. Probably everyone who read the book thought the same thing. AND my research numbers alone prove that you are all turning in the same thing. How 'bout them apples?

Go read the flipping book. It was good. You probably know that from reading my just-for-fun report. If knowledge is power, reading is an arsenal in your hands. But use your arsenal for peace. That is another lesson from the book. That is all.

Breaking News for all He-men

Wednesday, October 1, 2008 |

Hey Red-Blooded American Men, no not you Emo types......... the ones who watch Monday Night Football and think they can get the babes in beer commercials(and still call them babes), the man who needs a Hungry Man meal and not some femme lean's an announcement for you!

In case you were worrying about your dry skin but are way too lumberjack to use a pansy body wash with microbeads or some such crap, We the makers of Gillette(the best a man can get) have a much less wussy option for you. 

Gillette now offers you a Body Wash that will take off at least 3 layers of man stink in a single shower. AND since we know you were worried, but too butch to say anything, we are announcing an earth shatteringly amazing new discovery that is included in the body wash. DRY SKIN HYDRATOR.  

We know what you are saying to yourself. 

"Holy SHIZ. I have been waiting my whole life for something to hydrate my skin. My wife/Mom/Sister says use some lotion before your hands crack in half, but I ain't the type of guy to use "lotion" if you get what I'm case ya didn't get that - not using lotion means I'm straight."

We at Gillette heard you. We did not create a bodywash with lotion. HECK NO!  The Dry Skin Hydrator is in no way a lotion. It uses cyborg alien micro....chips from a far off planet to invade and colonize your skin cells with moisture. No wait....not moisture....guys hate moisture.....they colonize you with H20 and lube.  Yeah lube. 

So get your woman/mom to go to the store and buy you some Gillette Body Wash with Dry Skin Hydrator. She may say to you"You mean Body Wash with Lotion?" or "You mean Cream Body Wash?" and you can feel confident in saying to her "DID I SAY LOTION??? NO!!! I want the one with alien cyborg H20 microchips made for MEN. Duh!? Now go back to the kitchen"

No need to thank us. We're Gillette. We're too straight to feel comfortable with praise from other men. Unless you feel like giving us a sports trophy or a raise.