More Sugar!! More Dr. Pepper!!!!! Tylenol PM!!!!!

Saturday, August 30, 2008 | a random conversation I had recently with myself in the car and then with others....a subject has come up.

The dating situation is crap. What to do...what to do????

So being the queen of random and inappropriate thoughts I pondered to myself- Why are there so many single people and yet none of us want to date each other? If we all got drunk and made out...I bet alot of lasting relationships might come from it. We are all way too uptight about dating. If there were more hormones or kick starts to make people take notice of each other......

The solution is not alcohol. This was just the random thought part.

But ....are lowered inhibitions a solution to the problem?? This is my lasting impression from the whole scenario. How do we get ourselves to be less obsessive and stuck thinking in our little boxes and go with the flow and be open to more options? Hmmmm.

Do you all have any ideas? There are all the Mo-Acceptable Drugs. There is the sugar high. That's just likely to make you even more annoying and obsessive. And with ADHD that will make you unable to focus on one person.

I am a happy camper after taking Tylenol PM but who knows what I might say and I will fall asleep on any date.

Hmmmm. I am open to suggestions.

Prepare yourselves for some horrific metrosexual(to be kind) shots of the man I can't stand the most on TV right now. Mr Slade Smiley. There are so many reasons I can't stand him. For most of them you can just go to his Myspace and find out for yourself. The man is a former mountain biker/model. And if you look for former pics some are pretty obviously.........lets just say porn-tastic. ICK! Now he is a real estate mogul. Of course. Who wants to say they got their money from chesty shots for Men's Fitness and other less reputable mags. So anyways. The story of this travesty of TV is that he and his fiancee Jo were on Real Housewives and then broke up. Of course they can't let go of their 15 minutes of fame and Jo suddenly comes out of nowhere now as a talented singer(not a title expert/stay at home trophy). Apparently she had us all fooled by seeming like your average self-obsessed LA type plasti-girl. She is a plasti-girl with a voice dang it!!!!

Now we get the privilege of watching Jo do a dating show where(TWIST) all the men live with her ex Slade!!! DRAMA!!! GASP!!!

Who cares. Not me. But I got stuck watching since my sis has home for the day sick and of course you can't turn away from a train wreck. Or a She-man in a paisley scarf as the case may be. Exhibit A: The scarf.

Seriously. The man wore a black short sleeved tee and a woman's paisley scarf. The humanity. And he is seriously trying to confront this guy in this scene for making chocolate chip cookies in the shape of a woman with big boobs(supposed to be Jo) . Seriously. He could see nothing funny about it and wanted the guy kicked out of the house for being disrespectful. It's totally immature but seriously. If you ask a group of bored men to make cookies....what shape are you expecting them to all come out as??? It was totally ridiculous!!!! Slade is totally a wet blanket personality. Which leads us to Exhibit B....the water feature

Here are some of Jo's dates at the water feature. Don't you dare call it a pond. It is a water feature. No one is meant to get wet in it or disturb it in any way. In one episode Slade went crazy because the men played a game of making people look for coins they dropped on top of the rocks at the bottom of the pond...I mean water feature. And he was all......this is NOT a POND!!! It's a water feature!!!! Duh!!! Of course. I forgot all about the copy of the Gay man's guide to aquatic landscaping that arrived in the mail today along with the Men's Fitness. It IS a water feature.

Exhibit C- the v-neck shirt. That looks like a woman' fit shirt in boy colors. And he appears to shave his legs.
Exhibit D- any date with Adrienne Curry should tell you the quality of man he is. UG. And somebody cut or restyle those man-bangs before I have to shave his head myself.

Exhibit E- yet another freaking scarf. WHY??!!!!!! And now he appears to be a 14 yr old girl with ponytail holders on his wrist. They are an essential accessory. As a woman I understand the need to put your hair in a pony at any time.

Exhibit F- I don't even need to say anything. The sweater hat speaks for itself. The twist slightly to the side shows just how cool Slade is. In case you didn't get it by his wicked cool water feature, the scarves, the bangs or the ponytail holders.

And thus you have it. Why I can't stand Slade. Other than the sick and twisted psyche that is totally down with reality TV to promote the girl who is supposedly your ex dating other people with you as a part of the screening process. Not stomach wrenchingly wrong at all.

And if you look at his myspace....did they really break up?? Who promotes their ex's crap songs like that?? And if they really are broken up...who exploits their ex's possible 15 minutes of fame like that? It's just sad either way. Breaking up means MOVING ON.



Monday, August 25, 2008 |

This is another blog about those special people. This time about those who get their way by the sheer awkwardness/shock value of their behavior.

I prepare myself for the nosy people, the gossips, the jerks. I know to avoid the the nit-picky bosses and the lazy co-workers(not an issue now luckily- yay nursing!). Every once in a while someone breaks through the defenses I have set up by the sheer unexpectedness of their behavior. Asks the question NO ONE should ask , much less in public. Signs you up without asking to take on a task which you don't find out till to late to replace you. The HUMANITY!!!!!

Today was one of those days when someone got me. I admit it. They managed to do it by being a) socially unaware 99% of the time and b) talking to me across the room in front of like 6 other people. Normally I would be able to still be a total pain in the butt and defend myself against this onslaught of "special" behavior but when you add the two elements's not as easy to be mean and evasive in public conversations. ARG!!!! I was USED!!!! MANIPULATED!!!! And there's not much I could do about it!!!!

And I admit it. Although I am my mother's role model for being an empowered woman who says no and controls her own destiny....I do frequently say yes when I should say

HECK to tha NO!!
Why is my time less important than yours???!!!
It's none of your business!!
If you don't want to do that, why should I?
I don't want to get involved!
Are you kidding me? Seriously?
And why would I want to do that??
That's not a talent or something I enjoy doing. Ask someone who actually likes to do that.
What made you ask me?
DO I look like I need another thing to do?
In the time it took to ask me you could have done it yourself.
WHO CARES????!!!!!
Why should I take one for the team again??? Isn't it your turn??

These are all expressions that maybe I should have used in many situations in my life. I let special people manipulate me because I don't want to hurt their feelings or damage their delicate psyches. Or I am unsuccessful in my stealth avoidance techniques of these people. Or I just can't get the words out. ARG!!!! The inner desire to please and be nice is always my downfall.

My evil self has been foiled again !!!!!

A mistake you only make once

Wednesday, August 20, 2008 |

So here's a short little story for all of you that brightened my day and made me laugh until I cried.

Tonight I volunteered as I usually do on Wednesday nights. In the place I volunteeer there are many many many lockers available to store your stuff. The locker numbers are also completely and totally out of order. Not sure how it happened, but it's so bad there's almost no point to having a locker number. Each locker is supposed to have one hanger in it in case someone needs to hang stuff. There are also stalls to change your clothes.

This is not the actual locker room, just an example of a much smaller one.....Imagine what you would do to check that each locker had a hanger in it?

Often people grab the hangers to use them and then don't remember to put them back in the lockers at the end of the night, so one of the jobs you may do as a volunteer is to go to all the stalls and put the hangers back into the lockers that are empty. You walk by, open all the lockers, check for a hanger, if it needs one, you leave it open, then you go back and replace a hanger in all the open lockers after you clean the stalls. It takes like 2 minutes.

Tada. That is all the backstory you need.

So tonight someone relatively new(aren't you glad I am keeping you anonymous?) was given the task and told to make sure each locker had a hanger. It was also CRAZY busy. Insane amounts of people there using the lockers. IE- like half of them were missing keys and still locked. Our Friend started her task by checking the lockers and she thought to herself....if I leave a locker open, someone might walk by and close it(why they would do this... I don't know) I better just lock all of the lockers without hangers and take their keys with me. Our friend then walked up to me with a pile of like 40 keys and was super proud that she had figured out which lockers needed hangers.

And now she had a pile of 40 keys and no way of finding the completely out of order lockers.

Being a super sensitive person, I laughed myself silly and then made her wait till a few more people could see her insane pile o' keys and then we spent the next while (with more helpers) matching back all of the keys to the lockers and Our Friend would hand us a hanger to use as we found them. We assumed they were from the stalls. She then proceeded to the stalls to clean them out.........where she picked up a ton of hangers which now had no homes because she had gotten new ones out from storage for the lockers. Seriously. It killed me. Then for the rest of the evening you could tell who had heard the story by who looked like they had cried recently.
Friend......Have I mentioned that I heart you deeply??

The Mo Connection

Thursday, August 14, 2008 |

So whilst stalking Stephenie Meyer this week I reflected on the fact that I had this overwhelming urge to walk up to her in the book-signing line and shout "I'M MORMON TOO!!" I truly felt like if she knew I was also her same age and mormon that we would become insta-BFF's and I would be the inspiration for a character in her new series and and we could listen to Muse together and have diet cokes and cheesecake.

Why am I so deluded? Why do I have this urge anytime anyone who is a semi-celeb and mormon visits? I feel like we are all nice people on the inside and knowing that we are all Mo's would give me instant special attention. Like they would meet me and say- I feel like you're my sister somehow ...there's a special glow in that girl. Oh...mystery solved...the spirit spoke to me.. It's cause she's mormon. I need to spend extra time meeting and talking to her ...maybe give a spiritual message and close with a prayer and hug.

I had this same instinct with the Aquabats concert I went to a few years ago, but I was too chicken to say or do it's a concert and I'm in the audience. It's not conducive to meeting the band. All night Nick and I kept coming up with ideas for what to shout into moments of silence to reveal our secret connection. Stuff like "CTR!!" or "Families are Forever!!" I was a fan of "Modest is Hottest!" But being amazingly cool people we did nothing. Nick asked me at the end of the evening why I had not shouted something. Of course I had actually revealed my secret identity because the moshers had half ripped my shirt off and exposed my "testimony" halfway through the concert which I didn't realize until the lead singer poured a bottle of water on my head, then got an uncomfortable look in his eyes and turned away. I looked down to see a sleeve of grandma G. Lovely. I'm not only mo. I am grandma raggedy mo.

So anyways. Why do I have this compulsion?

And Stephenie I said in line...I do totally love you and we do totally have the same taste in music and your books rock.

And WE ARE SISTERS IN ZION!!! Ok I said it. Ahhhhh. Relief. The burden of keeping my secret is lighter.

I just got back from a fabulous trip to Seattle for the Breaking Dawn concert series. I will be posting more pics later, but for now a photo montage of the ridiculous things I saw in Seattle. Other than the girl dressed up as a lamb bride at the concert.

Our Hotel - By European style, they mean we provide you nothing but a bed. And the self-righteous feeling all environmentalists get for "conserving water" with each flush of the communal toilets.

A) How on EARTH could anyone start a business for Port-a-Potties and call it Honey Bucket???? And B) all I could think of was Honey Buckets of Oats. Which is even more wrong.

Safety cones are now avant garde art. (I had the voice of Mike Myers running through my head "If it's not scottish it's crap!" Actually he was mostly just saying "It's crap" in my head with a scottish accent)

Take your filthy paws off my silky drawers.

I confess to the sin of gluttony. And not being repentant at all for my gluttony.

You are now entering the LOVE ZONE. I enjoy that the "Love Zone" is also the place to get classy nails. I agree with an old friend that the minute you actually say the word "classy" something becomes NOT classy.

Ok-more fun later. And Hey You..... Grubby Hands!!! Keep your mits off those ripe cherries.

Celebrity Crushes - The D-List

Wednesday, August 6, 2008 |

Did you ever have a "celebrity crush" on someone that you are embarrased to admit or had to explain who they were for like 10 minutes and then still got a blank stare in return?

Who cares if someone likes Brad Pitt or George Clooney or Catherine Zeta Jones or Angelina Jolie??? Who doesn't? I need some originality!

It is one of my favorite things in life to hear the wierd crushes. The fetishes. The obsessive love for someone who is cruising wayyyyy under the radar. It really tells you alot about people.

These are some of my favorites(from many people's crazy tastes) over the years.

1) Bruce Boxleitner on Babylon 5 and Lifetime movies(not in his heydey while he was on Scarecrow and Mrs. King). He is a fine looking man. I have to admit.

2) A politician's cute nephew

3) The furniture appraising twins on Antiques Roadshow.

4)The man who ran the lab on X-files.

5) The hot local redhead weatherman.(Yeah Aaron! It's gettin hot in here)

6) A sarcastic talk show host

7) Various SNL castmembers

8) Lead singers of 80's hair metal bands. Now that they're old.

9) Reality TV Stars. WOW. Really? That one? Isn't he gay? And mean?

10) A stuffy older manager on a TV show- not the younger cute characters.

To reveal my D-list celebrity loves...... I was an official member of the Internet group LOMIG or Lovers of Mulder in Glasses. I also loved Craig Kilborn when he was the host of the Daily Show. Like...... ridiculously loved him. I also have various crushes on british celebs who I am sure no one knows. DUMB. that I've embarrassed myself, feel free to post your embarassing crushes and enlighten us all!

A Rose by Any Other Name

Tuesday, August 5, 2008 |

WARNING* Breaking Dawn Spoiler Alert*

In the light of my extreme hatred of the name given to Bella's baby, I decided to blog about names I can't stand.

1) Ugly names. Gertrude, Helga, Norbert etc. IF it sounds uncomfortable or stirs up phlegm coming out of my mouth- it is not a good name. I am sorry. It is the rule.

2) Names based on emotions/virtues. I am ok with say....Hope and Faith.....I draw the line at Chastity, Divinity, Serenity. Don't name your kid Happy, Delight, Miracle, Blessing I feel like you curse your child to NOT have that virtue/personality tendency by giving them that name. This may just be my opinion, but it comes with years of observation.

3) Ridiculous made up names. You know the names of which I speak. Or ridiculous spellings of real names.

4) Mean names. The names that make your kid the punchline of a joke for years to come. IE- my mom's ex-bf was named Buck Shott. Haha. Now the joke's over. And he's stuck with the name. And we know that's a mild version of the parental punchline.

5) Trying too hard to make the name "cool". Celebs always want to have a kid with a cool and original name. Like Pilot Inspektor, or Apple etc. This is a bizarre subject. I don't like poor Rumer Willis's name. I think Apple Martin is cute actually, but the cuteness will be outgrown really soon. I wonder if there are any Bananas out there? B-A-N-A-N-A-S. Kingston Rosdale is cute but very sounding- verging on the next category of names I hate. I kind of like Francis Bean Cobain. I love Nicole Richie's baby Harlow's name. I don't know. Some original names are super cute and others are just stupid.

6) Country Club names. People- your kid isn't gonna be a Kennedy no matter how hard you try. I used to love a bunch of the names....when I was 12. Then I was all.....ICK. I am still in the ICK phase. I am so over Madison.

In conclusion, I am chock full of bad/sad/ridiculous naming ideas. I will save them for my pets. If I ever get over my allergies I want two black cats named Boris and Natasha. Will I name my children after the pursuers of Moose and Squirrel? No.

And just in case my sister and I ever marry our dream men we have our celeb children's names picked out. And yes they are completely ridiculous. But they rock hard.

Sprout Groban and Creme Buble

I may get a dog and name it Sprout. It's so cute.

Why the Night-time is the Right Time

Friday, August 1, 2008 |

Since the beginning of Erica......the night-time has always been the best time of day. THE BEST. My favorite color is midnight blue. But not just midnight blue. It's that midnight blue fading into purple color just after sunset when you can see the stars appearing. Also - I love stars. Ridiculously love them. Most romantic moment of my life- yup- it was outside with Christmas lights framed as stars overhead. I couldn't have asked for anything more perfect unless it was that it be with someone I was actually dating and that it work out. Sigh. It was so dreamy.

Seriously. I LOVE the night. I am way more awake at night. I feel better at night (I wake up nauseous most mornings-I'm not pregnant thanks). I am in a bad mood in the morning even if I got enough sleep. I just feel like the best "me" at night.

Now I'm working at night. Everyone else seems to hit a wall at a certain hour. Not me. I'm just fine and have to force myself to go to bed when I get home. It's crazy.

The only odd result of this new schedule is that I sleep weird hours and take naps on my days off. The reason I am telling you this tale is that my life has now resulted in MADNESS. For the past two weeks I have had one day of the week where I popped awake at like 4 or 5 am on my day off and felt the overwhelming need to be productive. WHAT THE??? ME???? Alive in the morning???? Perish the thought??!!!!!

So last Sunday I made pancakes at like 6 am and then went back to bed and left the batter for my family. Today I have been up since like 3 and I made a Dutch Pancake with caramelized fresh peaches and blueberries. I would have posted a pic of this culinary masterpiece but it was so freaking amazing my dad and I ate the whole thing and now there's not even leftovers to show for all my effort. (NOTE TO READERS: My bitter feelings about morning in no way reflect any animosity toward breakfast foods as you can see here) Normally I would browse stores online if I was awake in the middle of the night, but since I can't move for a few months, and need to save money, all of my efforts to be industrious end in baking something and reading books. And watching L & O or Golden Girls which are on in the morning. BTW- Golden Girls is like the perfect show to eat breakfast by. But I digress.

A new world has been opened up to me by being awake and alive in the morning once or twice a week. And am I enjoying it? HECK to the NO.

Morning is sooooo boring. It's like an endless business meeting in the accounting department. I feel like I should be asleep and that being awake is like a form of punishment. Not that I haven't been awake before 6am for most of my adult life, but I never have enjoyed it. And now that I have moments of being truly jazz hands awake at 6 am I would like to say morning bites.

Maybe If I could wake up and roll over and see Jim Halpert I would feel differently.

I have been accused (and admit freely) of having a muppet face on many occasions. If you have seen me smile like a muppet(at night) let me promise you I am like a wasted Oscar the Grouch or sleepy Big Bird or recently awoken Miss Piggy in the morning.

I have got to find a better way of spending this wasted early morning time. GEEEEEEZZ!!!