The Tale of Little E and the Suicidal Aged

Sunday, April 26, 2009 |

Little E had been feeling old. Not ancient, but very mature compared to the 18 yr olds around her and the boys, yes boys, in their late twenties trying to date them. Constantly bugged at work about how and when she was ever going to meet anyone she heard of a magical gathering of mature single mo's and knew it was the perfect answer. She looked at her Calendar of Despair and had the weekend free. Little E was overjoyed. New friends! New scene! So much to look forward too.

Little E fretted all week about what she would wear for comfort as it seemed she might be sitting all day and then dancing. Little E fretted that she wouldn't fit in. Luckily Little E's friends Reluctant Ri and JJ were going to go with her and it made all her worries disappear.

The day dawned and Little E got 4 amazing hours of sleep the night before and dragged herself out of bed. She barely had time to get dressed and didn't even really dry her hair. She packed some water and a raincoat for the cloudy day and she was off. Reluctant Ri texted she would be late. Little E wished she had slept in too. Meeting up with JJ, Little E had a fabulous drive to exotic distant Arlington. The two friends entered the building and their natural exuberance was immediately hushed by the startling scene before them. Elderly people shuffled in and out of the chapel. A medic room was set up next to the door for casualties. The scent of roses and moth balls pervaded the arctic air. Everyone that turned to see Little E and JJ was extremely overly excited. They were given name tags and schedules and note pads and everyone was very kind. They entered the chapel to see an endless sea of seniors and the handicapped. Little E wondered if they had made a wrong turn or gotten false information, but no. This was the place. Just not the place for Little E and JJ. And Reluctant Ri who shortly arrived.

At lunch time they were given mini sized sandwiches and big cookies and a pile of chips. Little E wondered if the tiny sandwich was trying to suggest something. But they were told to grab extras if they were still hungry and HECK YES they were. They then brought out fruit after Little E had already gotten ill from eating 2 cookies to get full. So sad. This is how you make people fat thought Little E. Serve fruit for dessert.

Then Little E, JJ and Reluctant Ri headed back to the chapel for the endless setlist. Errmmm.. I mean the Conference workshops. 4 straight hours in the coldest chapel known to man. Little E felt both her leg hair AND arm hair growing. And icicles forming in her still damp hair. And poor Reluctant Ri was dressed for a sunny summer's day. And unprepared with extra coat. Luckily JJ went to her car and got out her trusty plaid camping blanket just for such occasions. And the event hosts began passing out fleece lap blankets to all of the wheelchairs in the front of the chapel. Little E wondered why only the handicapped were supposed to be freezing their A##es off. Hrm?

Hours passed. Wonderful talks were given, but all Little E could think about was how much longer she was expected to sit there in that chapel. Should she try to build an igloo like an Eskimo? Maybe the cold was to encourage cuddling but there was no one cuddle-able for her. The three friends minds wandered. Finally they took a break outside to warm up. They did not want to go back in due to the cold and general booty numbness, but they pressed on. As the hours passed Little E began to get the impression that the speakers considered the audience to be filled with deeply depressed old fogies who needed to be prevented from committing suicide. As the hymns about sunshine and the talks about life taking "different" paths kept on and on Little E began to feel an uncomfortabl-ness and coldness that had nothing to do with the temperature. A short light was seen in the abyss of deep depression when the Texas Boys Choir sang for the seated popsicle-people. But then they went back for another few hours about trying to stay cheerful when your life is meaningless and empty. Little E thought she had heard the worst, but was unprepared for the upcoming special musical number. As the woman started to sing " I know you are on the edge, unable to hang on any more, in deep despair.....etc" Little E felt a burning urge inside her. She felt her limbs moving almost on their own to stand. She forced her legs to be still. But her mouth was starting to move too. She could feel a mighty shout building up inside her. She wanted to scream " SHUT UUUUUUPPPPP!!!!!" from the depths of her frozen soul. But she did not.

Finally the un-magical gathering came to an end. Oh awaited hour! Little E was so relieved. Reluctant Ri made a faster exit than Taco Bell in a model with IBS. JJ and Little E looked at each other wondering could they stand to stay even a moment longer or might they venture to meet and mingle at the dance? Heck yes they did!! As the dance started Little E went to the restroom and met a nice lady in her 40's. Maybe the closest person to Little E in age. Little E watched as she straightened her "I Love JESUS!" sparkle pin on her turtleneck sweater. Little E knew she was in for a fun filled night.

The dance took place in a cruise decorated gym. The walls were fake cruise ship rails with life preservers. Lemonade and water fountains adorned the snack table along with mints and bags of frosted animal cookies. As the DJ broke into the "Danger Zone" so did the white haired dancers who shook what they had in a non-age appropriate, yet restrained way. Little E's eyes widened. Holy Schnikies! An older man who had dressed for their unannounced theme in a tropical shirt and hat picked unsuspecting women out and asked every single one of them to dance- for only a few moments before picking out another and abandoning his current victim. Please let him skip me prayed Little E in her head. She developed a sudden urge to lock herself in JJ's car in the parking lot. At that moment a different seemingly nice older man asked JJ to dance and said he'd be back for Little E. OK, thought Little E, I am about to officially enter the waters of the Oldies Cruise Dance. As the man came back for her the gentle strains of Usher's "Yeah Yeah" began to play. The man was unfazed. They began to shake it. Little E realized she was completely a dork dancing to Usher if she was unable to truly shake her booty. She felt like she was all arms and frozen old lady hips. Her booty wanted to take on a life of its own. Little E said "No booty. You shall not get your fix of Usher tonight. " As Usher asked for a lady in the street and a freak in the bed Little E looked to see shocked faces but then realized the sweet people around her probably couldn't hear the lyrics anyways. How awkward to dance with a man in his 60's to Usher. Little E returned to her seat and continued to dance on occasion with men nowhere near her age. At one point Little E introduced herself to some people her own age, but they seemed uninterested in dancing. How sad. Truly Little E had entered a depressing world.

She and JJ finally decided to escape the wraith like claws of the retirement cruise of death and headed back to their happy and comfortably room-temperature homes. They bid adieu to their new found friends and what the? The light went on and the dance was over. They had stayed til the end?? This was unacceptable. They had meant to cut out early. What a weird dance. No last slow songs or anything?? Really? None?

Ok forget the graceful exit. JJ and Little E hightailed it out of there to miss all of the Lincoln Continentals backing out at 0.5 miles an hour. See ya lata!! They sped out of the parking lot with a squeal of the wheels and not a backward glance, glad to leave behind the most depressing experience of their short short short(did I mention they were young? ) lives.

Roxy Update

Saturday, April 25, 2009 |

How cute is she now????? I believe her ears are getting reception from Timbuktu.

To start off you all did not miss it.......It's July 7th.

Yeah that's right ........the coolest day ever. 7-7 baby. We won't talk about the year but it also includes 7.

So.....I got the grand idea of wiki-ing my b-day to see what historical significance it has and you all can judge for yourselves how much my b-day is truly "me". And yes I might have saved this blog for my b-day but I might forget it the way my memory is working right now( Yay lack of sleep!) so I'll post it now anyways.

My fave events of 7-7:

1456 – A retrial verdict acquits Joan of Arc of heresy 25 years after her death. (Awesome- God CAN speak to women ye turds of France!)
1846Mexican-American War: American troops occupy Monterey and Yerba Buena, thus beginning the United States conquest of California.( We're going back to Cali- to Cali, to Cali)
1898President William McKinley signs the Newlands Resolution annexing Hawaii as a territory of the United States.( Heck Yes!! Aloha!! Sign me up!)
1928Sliced bread is sold for the first time by the Chillicothe Baking Company of Chillicothe, Missouri. It is described as “the greatest forward step in the baking industry since bread was wrapped". ( Just proving once again the theory that I may be the greatest thing since sliced bread)
1947 – Alleged and disputed Roswell UFO incident.( The truth is out there)
1953 – Che Guevara sets out on a trip through Bolivia, Peru, Ecuador, Panama, Costa Rica, Nicaragua, Honduras, and El Salvador.( Shout out Mendoza!! Aguantele Argentina!!)

There was bad news too but I'll ignore that.

And now..... the birthdays in common with me!!!!

1860Gustav Mahler, Austrian composer (d. 1911) (YAY- Music and Austria!!)
1887Marc Chagall, Russian painter (d. 1985) (Yay Pretty Paintings!! sigh.)
1899George Cukor, American director (d. 1983) ( Yay director of part of Gone with the Wind and My Fair Lady!)
1943 – Joel Siegel, American film critic (d. 2007) (Yay being judgemental about movies!)
1949Shelley Duvall, American actress( Yay Faerie Tale Theater! Who owns all the DVD's ME that's who! thanks to Gabby for clearing up which Shelley was rocking my b-day)
1959Billy Campbell, American actor (Yay for Hot Men!)
1966Jim Gaffigan, American comedian (Don't be jealous cause we can have cake and hot pockets!)
1980 – Michelle Kwan, American figure skater (Yay figure skaters who are asian!! Shout out Kristi and Michelle - you're still my girlz!)

And now deaths......which I think are pretty significant

1890Henri Nestlé, Founder of Nestlé S.A. (b. 1814) (And he left me a legacy of chocolate.....bless him)
1930Arthur Conan Doyle, Scottish writer (b. 1859) (And so the game was afoot!)
1973 – Veronica Lake, American actress (b. 1919) (The previous icon of sexy blonde hair and sweaters. The torch must be passed)

And now you have my ode to my own birthday. 7-7 you are indeed the coolest and I salute you. And myself. We rock.

More on my Millionaire Matchmaker obsession

Thursday, April 2, 2009 |

So...... you all know how I love to watch Millionaire Matchmaker? That show is CRACK I tell you!  Who the crap cares about watching people live together in a house, or work for Trump, or go to rehab, or try to date a perv rock star? People want to see total creeps try to date pretty girls who are willing to date them for their money........ and then see the creeps get ripped apart by Patty Stanger about their dating skillz or lack thereof. This is quality reality TV. 

This is Shauna the lady millionaire. 20 yr old male models are lining up!

The latest season has me in it's grip. There are women favorite one was Shauna, botox and restylaned into a shell of a tight face. And wanted to find herself an Ashton Kutcher. They then paraded all of these young hot studs(seriously-drool) in front of her and they all claim they like her and are into older women blah blah blah. Are you kidding me? YEAH- you're into an older woman who is as hot as Demi Moore. Are you into a woman whose face has been tightened and frozen and who already has skinny frail old lady body? Seriously? No -that's're into her money. Geez. I feel bad for women who can't read it when a man is lying. I mean Ashton didn't go looking for a hot mom to date. He just happened to meet Demi. Do you really think there are a ton of really really fine young men out there who WANT to be with a woman in her forties? I mean I know about the "cougar" thing but the women prey on them in that case. Or they are sick kiddos looking for a replacement mom. This is not a healthy form of relationship. And I feel the same about the reverse ....if men who are 50 think a 20 yr old hottie with her head on straight picks you as her first are mistaken. Ask just about anyone......"would you prefer to marry a rich man who is within 10 yrs of your age or a rich man with a 20 yr age difference?" They will pick close to their age. Now ask "would you date a poor man within 10 yrs of your age or a rich man 20 yrs older?" and the answers get all mixed up depending on the person. And the difference was MONEY.

I mean- why are all of these people OK with being paraded like meat in front of millionaires? Money! And they're just hoping to find a millionaire who doesn't look like a troll. Or maybe only a little like a troll. It is VERY rare to see a couple together on that show that I think would last if the millionaire lost all their money. 

The worst is that they pretend they aren't letting the millionaires "buy" a relationship. This is NOT like a dating in the real world. Or even like a normal matchmaking service. I mean- if they had real dating skills they would just date, and if they had a hard time meeting women they would join a normal dating service. They join Patty's service because they know that they will get to pick from a room full of perfect 10's who will all fake interest in them for the rest of their lives the way women in a dating service would not...because Patty's girls know they are millionaires. In a real dating service...these men could never find anyone without saying "I am rich".  And they would still get rejected by tons of women who could care less about your money if you are a robo-nerd or a creep. Patty weeds out the possibility that the women will reject you right off the bat. You have to work to prove to them the money isn't worth tolerating you. 

Occasionally there are pretty successful women in the 10's and I think they really are just trying to find men who are motivated and successful like they are, but they NEVER get picked although Patty sets them up sometimes for mini dates.  The creeps and the nerds always go for the airhead 20 yr old. I bet the normal millionaires who want to date a normal good woman are probably not on TV. I admit it would be more like watching a wedding story or a baby story on TLC if they showed normal men dating. Gag. Who wants to see normal people date? Not me. 
I am perfectly content to watch looneys buy themselves a date. Bring it on. 

Why the Internetz Rock!


So last night at work, I was sitting there chilling with my homegirlz and discussing an upcoming singles conference that one wants to attend with me. Fun! So one of the girl comes up with the idea that we should all try sped dating together. She asked us all if we had done it before and we all said no, so she said we needed to try it out together to see if it would work. 

So she tries to look up a speed dating service in Dallas to contact them later and get some info. And what does her search return to us? A list of local cheap motels. Literally. I can't remember what search engine she was using, but it came back with motel locations. We literally died laughing. 

I asked her if she had accidentally looked up "quickie" instead of "speed" but nope- I looked over her shoulder and it was speed dating in Dallas

I am personally scared by the idea of speed dating as it sort of forces you to quick judgements based on awkward first date conversation. I mean what are they gonna think of me?

Wow- she's a little chunky and she managed to fit a H of a lot of words in 60 seconds, some of which I think she intentionally mispronounced to sound more "ghetto". SCARY!

Those are things that someone will inevitable know about me, but do I want them to be the sole basis of a future date's decision? No.