Are the men half-price too?

Tuesday, November 25, 2008 |

As a lazy girl, now that I have weird hours and days I have off in the middle of the week where I will probably see no-one, I have ....GASP!!!.....lowered my standards.

It used to be that Erica the Fantastica did not leave the house (unless getting flu supplies) without mascara and a decent (at least clean) outfit. And every day I HAD to wash my hair sometimes twice. Even with the flu. I am a fanatic about clean hair. 

Oh how the mighty have fallen. 

As a side note I should mention that every person with a normal amount of hair and especially my hairdressers tell me- "Erica you are committing a crime by washing your hair every day. You should wash every other day or third day. Your hair needs natural oils to not break" blah blah blah. My hair is shiny enough and strong enough for me. What you people do not understand is that since I have so little hair and a super greasy head I develop pose-able hair by day 2.  It literally sits on my hair in dark chunks at the roots. SO NASTY. I am not about to let that happen. Icky poo puppies!

Now you are asking yourself why is she telling us this and how does this have to do with the title of the blog? Well now I'll tell you.

Since I started working night I don't wash my hair sometimes. I know I will spend all my awake hours in my jammies watching DVR anyways. I decided to try to let my hair wallow in it's splendor of organic conditioning once or twice a week. It grosses me out, but no one sees me right? 

Au contraire mon frere. Lazy girls totally make quick runs to Walgreens or Walmart for unforeseen needs on their lazy days. I operate on a stealth mission. I wear the most awful and badly fitting clothes I own, sometimes wear a ballcap(yikes) and don't have on any makeup. Or maybe I have leftover makeup from the night before making me have dark circles under my eyes. Basically I am completely incognito. If incognito means fugly

So I decided I need a supply of reading material for the 1/2 of a part of a holiday I get to be home this week. I primped for the outing by removing my mascara flakes, putting my greasy locks in a ponytail that parts itself, and wearing a ugly thermal shirt for maximum comfort. Then I headed myself over to my home planet, the beacon that calls to me every night as I drive to work. The Half Price Books Warehouse on Northwest Highway. (Laaaaah!!! Angels sing!!)

As every desperate girl knows- if you are completely open to dating anyone of any religion, a likely place to meet your perfect nerd guy is HPB. Hello!!! Not only does he READ!!! He reads so much he wants a discount cause his habit is too expensive otherwise. SCORE! 

Since religion matters to me in dating, HPB is not a place I go to troll for men. Is there a place I could troll for Mormon men even if i wanted to?? But I digress, I arrived at HPB looking freaking fantastic and went to pick out my books. I gotta be honest there was some fine fine eye candy at the bookstore tonight. Multiple men in their twenties or early thirties and with that cultured and intelligent look. They had cute glasses so I was glad my ....uhh...disguise prevented them from seeing my true self and falling madly in love with me. Whew! Close getaway!

But lo.....the magical pull of HPB does not draw only cool singles such as myself. As I cruised the aisles I was continually followed by middle aged Navajo in a Bomber Jacket. With his piercing stare and apparently tribal taught hunting skills he kept circling and waiting, circling and waiting. My fugliness only proved to him that I was unattractive enough to settle for a 45yr old. Curses!!

I held my books up high and covered my not-lovely face with this stupid zit that wants to make my whole chin red which was of course not covered by makeup. I ducked and ran for the mystery section. Where I encountered Really Sad Guy There With His Mom. As his mommy picked out hot novels from the romance section he kept standing awkwardly at the end of each of my aisles and looking around me but not at me. Obviously not a reader, how he planned to scam some babes at HPB I had no idea. But apparently he thought being only in hearing distance of mom somehow made him just another cool guy there to get a girl. Picking up random books and putting them down without reading the backs, stomping around loudly, sneaking to romance to talk to mom and answer her shouted questions and then coming right back to hover again. But getting closer each time and trying to brush up against me. Ewwwww! He had no game.  I sneaked over to the cooking section to look for Giada's book. Oh crap!!! Incoming Indian!!! Dive Dive!!!

I literally went to the Arts and Crafts and Travel book section on the opposite side of the warehouse to escape and then tried to make my way back to fiction by way of Collectors Edition books, but apparently I was acting a little too sneaky. I noticed that the Policeman I had seen in the parking lot was now discreetly following me around the store. Seriously!!! Although I did have on a big jacket to hide my thermal shirt greatness. But my books were on my arm in the open!! So I think to myself.....hmmmm...if I am being followed by a cop let's see what happens to the men. I boldly head back to fiction and take my stand. 

Suddenly Momma's Boy heads into romance and is fascinated by the titles(creepy!! but I am thankful he's gone) and I see the Big Chief head over to foreign language and make fast tracks to the back of the store. Safe now, I perused to my little heart's content. And run into a tall cutie with curling brown locks and adorable glasses who recoils in fear when he looks up from reading his back cover and sees my gremlin-ey self shuffling along with my greasy locks and books and parka and policeman. 

The moral of the story. Erica needs to dress up to go to Half Price. If I get all clean-like: the cuties will at least acknowledge me, the lowlifes will not think they have a chance, and the police will not have a reason to be suspicious of my excessive layering of clothing.  The End.

Why today was a Poo-ey day

Wednesday, November 19, 2008 |

1) I worked out(awesome). I worked out using my new Ipod arm sports band(awesome). I worked out twice as much and at twice the speed(awesome). I shook it like Beyonce when I heard my sweet JT or Christina(so FUN). I worked out so hard I got incredibly sick to my stomach an hour later and spent the rest of the day trying to decide if I needed to use the potty or throw up(DANG IT)

2) Because I got so sick I couldn't go to the temple tonight much less stand up or move around. 

3) I wasted my day off and couldn't run errands I needed to run- except for grocery shopping which was my one attempt to see if I could hack it getting out of bed and I almost hurled in the frozen food section of Tom Thumb. True Story. I though today might be the day a non-drunk girl throws up in her purse. 

4) Because everyone likes to bug me about it, I thought I would buy some legitimate american-made ulcer meds. Which turned out to be like 1 dollar a pill and only half my strength. IE - two freaking dollars a day as opposed to my Indian made drugs which were like 33 cents a day. I am sorry but I may have to buy Bollywood drugs. I have student loans to pay off. Sorry Detroit auto workers. Sorry american drug assembly line peeps. I am not paying 2 bucks for something that costs practically nothing to make. Even Canada has psychotically better prices than us. We are totally the world's overpriced Sugar Daddy paying for everyone else to get cheap or free meds by inflating our own prices. I won't be a part of it. 

5) I watched Pushing Daisies knowing everyone I love leaves me eventually. Just like Ned. Why are my fave shows always canceled?

6) I realized today someone dissed a friend and am sad about it. Grr. And a little(lot) angry. 

7) I realized that in order to make myself feel better I wore my Forks High shirt today .....when I should have saved it for going to see Twilight this week. Now I have to do laundry?? Not happening. I love you Edward, but apparently it will only show on the inside. 

8) I looked at a friend's cute dog pics and I want one bad. When am I moving out yet? Oh yeah...after I pay off the CC. DANG IT!!!!! Denied!!!!

So since I gave all those whiny reasons I hated today.....Here is why today was okey dokey.

1) I bought Yakisoba Cheddar ramen type noodley stuff and it rocked hard for a sick girl. 

2) I did get to watch both episodes of Golden Girls this morning. 

3) I have the satisfaction of knowing my Ipod is helping me work out better- even if it is also killing me. 

4) I saw Ned. It's bittersweet. This is the sweet part. You already heard about bitter.

5) I had tonight off so I did call in to the temple, but at least I didn't have to call in to work and get in trouble. We have a new hard core sick/being late policy that is scary!!!

Okay that is all. I will go back to watching Van Helsing on TBS and eating animal crackers. Totally the sweet life if it wasn't crackers to keep from vomiting. Oh well. We can't have it all. 

An Open Letter to my Beloved

Tuesday, November 18, 2008 |

Dearest Kohl's,

We have been lovahs for some time now, but I have always been bothered by something, now more than ever. You seem to give your love away at a discount all the darn time. I am now having trouble during our secret rendezvous telling whether I am really being given a special price or not. It seems that every day is a holiday or a reason to give it away practically for free. I have no problem with you being cheap. I love you more for it. I just feel a little like the person who came to help the kid who cried wolf. Tell me when it's really a sale different from every other day of the week and I will come. For now I am too distraught and confused. Super Sale, 6 hour Sale, Early Bird Sale, Amazing Sale Days, Sale-a-thon. Not that I could stay away for long. I am addicted to you like crack. And when I move into an apartment I'm sure I'll have little reminders of you all over my new place. But please- be more honest.  I need it to mean something to you too. 


The Tale of Old Blue the Shopping Granny

Wednesday, November 12, 2008 |

Whilst our narrator was shopping after work yesterday for costuming apparel at Goodwill, she happened upon one of the Grannies that makes growing old seem worthwhile. 

On first seeing Old Blue, she seemed a stereotype of the crazy friends of the narrator's own Granny. Blue had a helmet of poofy thick white hair- dyed to the shade of a bluebird's egg for fashion's sake. Her brows were shaved off and then painted on a charcoal grey- one slightly arched and higher than the other, with hot pink lipstick bleeding into her wrinkly granny pout.
Since she was making an outing that day Blue had worn a prized kittens and flowers applique sweater to show she meant business.....and was still a fine figure of a woman for any WWII vets also there to take advantage of the senior discount. 

Blue had up till this point in the story perused the abandoned knick-nacks and found quite a few only-slightly-broken figurines and tacky vases. The top of her cart showed her prizes, but her real treasure was hidden in the bottom of the cart- as we all shall see. 

Or narrator was in line to check out behind a hispanic family of like 5 older ladies and a poor put-upon middle aged man obviously driving las abuelas around and killing time while they shopped away. Las abuelas made quite a crowd so the line was muy looooong

Old Blue drunkenly drives her cart through the narrow aisles of crap and makes a sideswipe at the man as she reaches the end of the aisle. "MOVE  OVER LADY!!!" She says. Then a few seconds later. "Oh- you're not a lady. Move anyways!!!!" He moves aside and is laughing at her on the inside just as much as the narrator. So she approaches a checkout booth that is closed and tells everyone- "I wanted to check out NOW!" No luck Old Blue. 

So she then steers her cart back behind the only open line and appears to plan to make a close personal friend of our narrator, but then a lady with dyed dark brown cotton candy hair comes  up to stand with her. Cotton has the standard painted brows(brown at least) and crazy lipstick with applique sweater, but hers is black so she is obviously a darker more morose personality despite the puppies. She and Old Blue then get in a loud discussion about the most prized and previously hidden item in their cart. PEE PADS. Seriously. Who donates Pee pads to Goodwill? Someone apparently. These two have lined the bottom of their cart with packages of blue super thick pee pads. JACKPOT!! and Cotton tells all that she called her son and he said that they are so lucky to have found the pads at such a good price and he can't believe their good fortune either. 

To kill time Blue makes a few comments to everyone in line about how amazing her pee pads are(1 1/2 inch thick dry!!)  and then about her vases- and reveals that she is slightly ......let's say senile.... and repeatedly uses the wrong words and has obvious volume control issues with her voice. Which only endears her more to all she meets.  

Our narrator finally reaches the front of the line and is making her purchases, and Blue comes up beside her at the counter, turns to her and says in a whisper(or so she thinks)" You know those are the pads they have at houses for retarded people!!" 

"Retired people" says Cotton.
"Retired people" repeats Blue. 

"They do look nice" chokes out our narrator, holding in all of the laughter she is capable of. Tears run out the sides of her eyes as she turns to stare in the opposite direction to calm herself and not hurt dear Blue's feelings.

Cotton then tells Blue as the narrator carries off her loot. " OOOOH!! I am gonna get even more of a steal on the Pads.....I am gonna tell them the package is open so they should be half price!!!" Riiiiiiiiipppp

Ahhh retired people. We love them so.