The Tale of E and the Friend Date

After a loooong break due to work and school, I give you readers a tale of woe, misery and dry heaving.....the Tale of E and the Friend Date.

E was not dating much (#dying alone) so when she was asked on a friend date, she was overjoyed. Not only was the date referred to as a "date"in the asking, it involved dinner and then concert tickets. Legit. He forked out yo.

E was a bit wary as it was approximately a billion degrees outside in the Texas summer heat, but she figured she could try to rock that dewy glow. Or whatever....every other female there would be dripping in sweat too so no one would have room to judge. She still bought a cute outfit and was ready at the door on time for a fun night out. As she and her date zipped away he leaned over her and reached to roll down her window. She was puzzled. "I don't need the window down, but thanks!" she said. And Mr. Date gave an ominous reply " The air conditioner on my car is broken, but it's fine. I'm used to the heat." E urgently shrieked "But we can take my car!!! Please!! We're only a few blocks away and it's HOT!!" Mr. Date smiled. "No. I want to drive my car. It's fine with the windows down." But it wasn't. Clearly he was very concerned for her comfort. (Editor's note: This tale is narrated by Vincent Price in case that wasn't clear)

They arrived to the dinner/concert location. She was already covered in sweat and feeling ill. They walked to a food festival a bit down the road with tons of local restaurants selling their best menu items. He had already paid their entry to the festival. Yummy! But alas.....he did not intend to fork out for purchasing any food. He thought it was all free with entry. She tried to look for free samples and cheaper items. E offered to pay for their food, but received a gruff "No I already PAID, we can find something!" in reply. Eventually he bought them each an item and they sat to eat. E needed a break. She was about to start dry heaving from heat exhaustion and it was only 90 minutes in to the date. She said "Mr. Date, I need to use the restroom, back in a minute!" and she headed to the public restrooms about 20 feet from where they were sitting. She gave her self a "You can do this, you won't die from one date" pep talk in the bathroom. No water fountains. Ugh. She washed her hands and blotted her face. So sweaty!!! Why did she even try!!Why buy a new outfit for a friggin friend? And she looked like a drowned rat at this point from the sweating!!

She took a deep breath and walked out. Mr. Date was not in their seats. Odd. She began to walk to their "spot" only to hear "HEY" from behind her. He had waited at the bathroom door. Her skin began to crawl. Maybe that would be gentlemanly to some but it felt like there was no escaping him even for a moment. The bathroom was literally feet from their table, In sight. Shudder. It was all becoming a bit weird now too. Maybe she was going crazy from the heat. Maybe it was the opposite of stockholm syndrome. Maybe her heat stroke was making her view an innocent man as her evil captor. Who knows? The heat does things to your mind.

They began to head over to the concert. E was wilting. The 100+ degree heat was melting her. And she has just eaten some food but with no drink. She mentioned to Mr. Date," I am dying for a cold drink. It's super hot out!" He told her buying drinks was a waste of money. They continued walking to the concert when he stopped her and said" I hope you don't mind sitting on grass." She was puzzled. " You told me we had lawn seats so I am fine with it." "NO" he said. "I mean actually sitting on the grass. I left the blanket in the car and I don't want to go get it." E's smile froze. That lawn was famous for being inundated with puke and beer on a nightly basis. "Mr. Date, I don't really want to sit on that grass if the blanket is here. I can wait for you to go get it."  "Well then, WE can go get it." And so E psyched herself up for 30 more minutes of walking in the Saharan heat. When they reached the car he opened the trunk only to exclaim in delight " Look! I found some water bottles I forgot I had! It may be hot but now I don't have to buy us anything!" E looked on in horror. "But but....that water is HOT!" "It's fine and it's free" he said. They walked back. By now her feet were beginning to blister from the heat of all the walking on pavement, burning and melting through her sandals. Owwwie!!

They entered the concert and he quickly guided her past all of the vendors hawking cold drinks and food. Heaven forbid she get a cold drink that night! They sat. She began to pray the sun would go down so she could cool off. Mr. Date chugged his hot water, She opened hers to give it a try. NOPE. Gag reflex blocked the attempt. It was not gonna happen or it would come back out.

The concert started. The opening act was great. Mr. Date took off his shoes. She kicked off her sandals. He moved his legs in to sit with them crossed and started to "Oh NO...What the.....No No No....Don't gag! Don't gag" PICK THE DEAD SKIN CHUNKS OFF THE BOTTOM OF HIS FEET. She looked away. She swallowed deeply a few times to try to get control. She thought about running away. Nope he'd follow her if she tried a bathroom excuse. Could she just run and call someone? Maybe she could talk to him like a personal date coach and say "Mr. Date, that is a level of unacceptable that I never thought I would encounter. When you take a woman out you need to not groom your feet. OK? " Nope. She couldn't even. She didn't know how to say "Gross Dude" and remain friends. So she sucked it up. She tried to focus on the concert, but he started to try to reach for her hand. She shuffled farther away on the blanket. He lay down in a different position and casually reached again. She was basically off the blanket at this point. This poor guy did not have a clue.

The sun set and a night full of stars came into view. The temperature came down mercifully. Other couples on dates began to enter after the first act and the women all looked fresh and lovely and had beautiful wavy locks that were in stark contrast to E's wet rat look. She tried to fluff her mangled sweaty hair, but finally gave up. She was sure she was a super stunner. Perfect.

As the temp continued to decrease E was feeling more herself again. They stood for the main act of the concert with the rest of the crowd. Suddenly two men began running through the crowd behind E and Mr. Date. A thief maybe? .......and a security guard. The thief was running at top speed downhill and bumped into them from behind. The thief turned and ran off at a different angle down the hill. Mr. Date and E started to turn to see what had hit them when the security guard still running in their direction lost his balance. To keep upright and to change direction to the thief's new path, the guard sucker punched E right in the bicep. She looked at him in shock as he ran off without even a word. Other people in the crowd looked at her with big eyes and open mouths. " I just got punched!" E said. "I can't believe he sucker punched me!" "I know!" Mr. Date said, "I got bumped around!" E's shocked face changed into her what the heck is wrong with you face. "But.....I got punched." "I know" he repeated. "Those guys just smashed into all of us in the crowd." E was now pretty much disgusted. She was about to run after them on her own behalf to demand an apology. (Editor's note: This is the point where E's dad says she should have asked for a cold drink.....for her arm)

She stood there stunned for the rest of the concert cradling her arm. They drove home. He wanted to use her bathroom. Of course. She let him use Slim K's. He would not freaking leave. He tried to make a move on her again and her puppy SpazMila attacked in her puppy way. She growled and tried to jump into mommy's arms for a hug. When a 65 pound fluff jumps at her mom to protect her, it pretty much seems like as assassination attempt regardless. And finally Mr. Date left. And E sighed with relief. And vowed never ever ever to go on a friend date again. Like ever.

A Saturday Mitzvah

Here my friends, for your viewing enjoyment, is the funniest series of emails about a lost cat ever known to existence.

If you are in a place where you cannot be loud or cry real tears. Wait to read this.

http://www.27bslash6.com/missy.html

And for my fellow Alaska vacationers here are tips about Wilderness Survival. But not really.

http://www.27bslash6.com/lost.html

For those of you looking for the perfect man....especially after speed dating last week....here is a man who is a "good drawer" and writes a series of novels about a time traveling sex predator.

http://www.27bslash6.com/willdrawforfood.html

I scanned a few of the other blog articles and they are not for the faint of heart let's say. I just thought you all might enjoy some weekend funnies.

E-Disharmony

Due to the request that I include these gems in my blog..... I now give to you all a hidden treasure and the reason I am not an internet dater.

These come from a while back when I joined e-harmony to support a friend and THIS is who they thought I was compatible with. Among other more normal men.

Their profiles are in black and my comments in hot pink. The spelling mistakes are all their own. I cut and pasted their profiles with some info removed to protect identities. Although if you knew these two I am sure you might recognize them.

GORDON
Occupation: I work eight hours a day.

The one thing gordon is most passionate about:

Most passionate about my family and a healthy life style. I enjoy talking and dating l.d.s. woman. I enjoy motorsports vehicles, and just relaxing around the home on days off from work. I like be near the lakes, rivers, and ponds in the summer time and during winter, be indoors. I eat a varity of healthy foods like salads and vegetables(I’m glad to know this information!! Do you run with scissors? I need to know that too.) I drink water, no candy, pop or milk.(Yay!! A man who is 5’5 and hates food…..I can be Jack Sprat’s wife….a lifelong dream to be the 0 in a 10 relationship can now be fulfilled)

The three things which gordon is most thankful for:

My personal rights to speak English (I am soooo excited that you are so focused on your political right to speaking English that you even include it in dating profiles…then again it’s probably easy to be racist when you can’t eat any of our nation’s delicious ethnic foods as most include demon cheese), choosing to vote, and read and write as I wish.

Give and recieve love by friends, and family members.

Have a great physical body, and can experince many good feelings. (Please keep this part about your body’s ability to experience good feelings to yourself in the future)

The most influential person in gordon's life has been:

Many teachers have been influential in my life. Honestly, Jesus Christ is the best example of a great life here on earth taught by reading the scriptures. There are many good examples in life, happening all the time, but did you see them or are you blind? When was the last time you helped someone in need? (HOLY CRAP!!! I thought we were a total love match Gordon… I was feeling good feelings in my physical body and then POW you call me out for being selfish……you condemnatory minx!)

gordon's friends describe him as:

Hard Working
Intelligent
Kind
Spiritual

Three of gordon's best life-skills are:

Raising and/or caring for children (Isn’t that a little premature to say?)
Maintaining an organized life
Making improvements and repairs around the house

The most important thing gordon is looking for in a person is:

Looking for an active lds woman who will be my best friend; whick will talk to me, give advise when asked(speak only when spoken to?), be a good listener when explaining a situation to her, help do home projects in and out doors on our home(slave labor). Caring for each other is important too. I like the story of the tree, wanting it to be balanced, where the trunk, limbs and leaves are all in good shape, and if possible, finding the seedlings and sap. We must have quailities that are close to each other.(I don’t think I have enough sap for us to be compatible unfortunately )

The first thing you'll probably notice about gordon when you meet him:

That I'm honest w/ other people(cause you can’t hide crazy!! ), happy, see the good in something or a person.

The one thing gordon wishes MORE people would notice about him is:

I have great teeth and smile. I brush them alot, to keep clean and white.(Here’s where the OCD becomes obvious)

gordon typically spends his leisure time:

My leisure time is spent doing activities in or near homes.(Hiding in closets or behind bushes) I see the county fairs in fall, car shows in summer and spring is busy w/ home expo. Leisure time is watching tv for two hrs a day, doing something for a person, and spending alot of time on the computer to chat to the ladies, so I CAN go on a date. It take time to wash and keep items clean and neat in your houses and yard. I shop alot for new parts and pieces whick make a home improve in quality and function.

The things gordon can't live without are:

Electrical appliance. (I am afraid to ask which one)
A home or place to live.
Money to buy food.
Eight hour to sleep.
Clean clothes, mind, and body. (He really took this too literally I think- like it’s a science and not a personality question)

The last book gordon read and enjoyed:

I enjoy reading mag. more than books. I go often to a Barns and Noble store in the mall and flip through them. I spend a few hrs. each month as new editions are released on to the shelfes. I read books that will teach me how to do a skill better, for work or employment needs. I just read book on stuff that would be fun to do as a hobbie or fun. (I have bin waiting my hole life to find man who shares my hobbie of snicking into Barnse & Nooble and look at mags but not have to pay for them. And Gordon seims to be handy so maybe he can help instal my book shelfes. Bee stil my beeteng hart.)

One thing that only gordon's best friends know is:

NO eatting or drinking of milk products, icecream, yogurts, cottage cheese, and milk. I LIKE TO EAT PIZZA, but get it with no cheese. I have alot of small molles all over my body.

Some additional information gordon wanted you to know is:

I'm have three other brothers, one sister, and parents who are still alive.(Is he implying there are ones who AREN’T still alive?) I like to operate gas powered vehicles.(Are wood chippers gas powered? Just asking…) I'm not outdoors when the weather is really hot or cold, an example, above 90 and below 30. The seasons that I like best are spring and fall, based on temperature of outdoors. I like to exercise, and try two times a wk. I enjoy doing water sports; swimming, fishing and boating. I'm a handsome guy, but not a model. My waist is 32 and inseam is 29. I obey the "Law of Chasity and Word of Wisdom" I like the colors red and blue. I have built a small garge and rebuild alot of homes, concrete work, walls,(concrete in walls where he hides bodies maybe?) window and doors, plumbing.


AND NOW FOR YOUR VIEWING PLEASURE THE TOTAL CONTRAST OF

DANIEL

The one thing Daniel is most passionate about:

My religion is central to my life. I will only marry in an LDS temple. I am very involved in local politics, having won an election or two in the County Republican party. I feel I have an obligation to my future children to work now on their behalf. I believe we have a responsibility to learn all we can in this life, and to do the right thing, even when it hurts. I am passionate about music, theater, and literature.

The three things which Daniel is most thankful for:

Obvious : God, Country, and Family

Personal : My Testimony, Kung Fu, and Birds (Lets get 2 Love Birds and name them Little grasshopper and Lamoni if we get married…..we can combine all your faves)

Whimsy : Jelly Bellies, The Desert Star Playhouse, and Tickling Little Kids (molester?)

The most influential person in Daniel's life has been:

There are a great many men I admire. I have been privileged to know some of the finest people God ever created. Soldiers, Teachers, Children, Authors, Thinkers, Tinkerers, Clergy, and Astronauts. My Father is greater than them all.

Daniel's friends describe him as:

Intelligent
Kind
Funny
Spiritual

Three of Daniel's best life-skills are:

Continuing to expand my knowledge and awareness
Finding creative solutions to everyday problems
Communicating my innermost thoughts and feelings

The most important thing Daniel is looking for in a person is:

I am looking for a phenomenal woman who will not only love me, but can sustain me in fulfilling the full measure of our purpose here on earth. She loves her country, her family, and her God. She is affectionate physically and verbally. She is happy looking out over a forested lake, in a formal gown at the symphony, or putting her hands in finger paint. She is fit, feminine, and confident. She loves to laugh, and will do it all the more when I am with her. She seeks out truth, wherever it leads, and inspires all with her integrity and grace. Most important, she is prepared to be loved, protected, and cherished for eternity. ( I think she is prepared…….to be translated….GEEZ!!)

The first thing you'll probably notice about Daniel when you meet him:

My Confidence. Often mistaken as arrogance, regrettably,(Arrogant?? Quel surprise!) but I know exactly who I am. I am a son of God. I am the man I want to be, and the kind of man I hope my future daughters find.(I think my hands are literally reaching out to strangle him through cyberspace) I always trust my instincts. They are based in my own experience and in gospel principals.

The one thing Daniel wishes MORE people would notice about him is:

My Candor. I speak no guile. I will only lie if I think it's funny(what a relief!). Makes dating very difficult, but I know my patience will pay off in time. The right woman will love me for it.

Daniel typically spends his leisure time:

I love stories. On page, stage, or film. I devour books. I am writing a book (me, and half of America). I almost always have music playing. Might be John Denver, Beasie Boys, Mozart's Requiem, or Harry Connick Jr. I like to sing, and know alot of Irish drinking songs. And Scottish. And Australian.

The things Daniel can't live without are:

Life - In all it's varied splendor.
Liberty - God bless America
Pursuit of Happiness - 2 Nephi 2:25
Sunlight- I'm just a happy dork in the Perriwinkle (Is a comment necessary?)
Water - I love being wet. Squirt guns or pools.

The last book Daniel read and enjoyed:

Last book was "Lone Survivor - The Eyewitness Account of Operation Redwing and the Lost Heroes of SEAL Team 10". I can not read the title without choking up. God bless those brave, brave souls. I find the books I read most often are the books I loved as a child. I've read and re-read "The Black Cauldron" series, Enders Game, Cyrano, 3 Musketeers, Frankenstien and Dune at least a dozen times each. Maybe more. I also read the "Book of Mormon" (at least one verse) every single day.

One thing that only Daniel's best friends know is:

I have no secrets. Though very active as a young man, I left the Church for a few years in my late teens-early twentys. I am grateful for the pain and hunger that led me back home. It has forged my testimony in adamant. I have not faltered since my return 7 years ago. His goodness, like a fetter, has bound my wandring heart to him. I consider myself a convert.( English experts…….I have never seen adamant used that way? Is that a correct usage- it sounds weird…..but then again he IS weird)

Some additional information Daniel wanted you to know is:

I am a lover and a fighter. A warrior poet, if you will. Gruff, at times, yet beloved by children. I tinker. I laugh. I tickle. Doing field repair means I work with my hands, and with my mind. I am a disk jockey who loves the quiet. A country boy who loves rock and roll. A son of God who can do without Provo. My mind is efficient, strategically bent, analytical, and precise, yet I always follow my instincts. I know that God wants an exceptional life from every last one of us. And I intend to deliver. (He’s a warrior poet and tickler?? HOLY CRAP?!! Like a mix of William Wallace and red fuzzy muppet. Make me yours Tickle- Me Maximus!!)

The End.

Are the men half-price too?

As a lazy girl, now that I have weird hours and days I have off in the middle of the week where I will probably see no-one, I have ....GASP!!!.....lowered my standards.

It used to be that Erica the Fantastica did not leave the house (unless getting flu supplies) without mascara and a decent (at least clean) outfit. And every day I HAD to wash my hair sometimes twice. Even with the flu. I am a fanatic about clean hair. 

Oh how the mighty have fallen. 

As a side note I should mention that every person with a normal amount of hair and especially my hairdressers tell me- "Erica you are committing a crime by washing your hair every day. You should wash every other day or third day. Your hair needs natural oils to not break" blah blah blah. My hair is shiny enough and strong enough for me. What you people do not understand is that since I have so little hair and a super greasy head I develop pose-able hair by day 2.  It literally sits on my hair in dark chunks at the roots. SO NASTY. I am not about to let that happen. Icky poo puppies!

Now you are asking yourself why is she telling us this and how does this have to do with the title of the blog? Well now I'll tell you.

Since I started working night I don't wash my hair sometimes. I know I will spend all my awake hours in my jammies watching DVR anyways. I decided to try to let my hair wallow in it's splendor of organic conditioning once or twice a week. It grosses me out, but no one sees me right? 

Au contraire mon frere. Lazy girls totally make quick runs to Walgreens or Walmart for unforeseen needs on their lazy days. I operate on a stealth mission. I wear the most awful and badly fitting clothes I own, sometimes wear a ballcap(yikes) and don't have on any makeup. Or maybe I have leftover makeup from the night before making me have dark circles under my eyes. Basically I am completely incognito. If incognito means fugly. 

So ....today I decided I need a supply of reading material for the 1/2 of a part of a holiday I get to be home this week. I primped for the outing by removing my mascara flakes, putting my greasy locks in a ponytail that parts itself, and wearing a ugly thermal shirt for maximum comfort. Then I headed myself over to my home planet, the beacon that calls to me every night as I drive to work. The Half Price Books Warehouse on Northwest Highway. (Laaaaah!!! Angels sing!!)

As every desperate girl knows- if you are completely open to dating anyone of any religion, a likely place to meet your perfect nerd guy is HPB. Hello!!! Not only does he READ!!! He reads so much he wants a discount cause his habit is too expensive otherwise. SCORE! 

Since religion matters to me in dating, HPB is not a place I go to troll for men. Is there a place I could troll for Mormon men even if i wanted to?? But I digress, I arrived at HPB looking freaking fantastic and went to pick out my books. I gotta be honest there was some fine fine eye candy at the bookstore tonight. Multiple men in their twenties or early thirties and with that cultured and intelligent look. They had cute glasses so I was glad my ....uhh...disguise prevented them from seeing my true self and falling madly in love with me. Whew! Close getaway!

But lo.....the magical pull of HPB does not draw only cool singles such as myself. As I cruised the aisles I was continually followed by middle aged Navajo in a Bomber Jacket. With his piercing stare and apparently tribal taught hunting skills he kept circling and waiting, circling and waiting. My fugliness only proved to him that I was unattractive enough to settle for a 45yr old. Curses!!

I held my books up high and covered my not-lovely face with this stupid zit that wants to make my whole chin red which was of course not covered by makeup. I ducked and ran for the mystery section. Where I encountered Really Sad Guy There With His Mom. As his mommy picked out hot novels from the romance section he kept standing awkwardly at the end of each of my aisles and looking around me but not at me. Obviously not a reader, how he planned to scam some babes at HPB I had no idea. But apparently he thought being only in hearing distance of mom somehow made him just another cool guy there to get a girl. Picking up random books and putting them down without reading the backs, stomping around loudly, sneaking to romance to talk to mom and answer her shouted questions and then coming right back to hover again. But getting closer each time and trying to brush up against me. Ewwwww! He had no game.  I sneaked over to the cooking section to look for Giada's book. Oh crap!!! Incoming Indian!!! Dive Dive!!!

I literally went to the Arts and Crafts and Travel book section on the opposite side of the warehouse to escape and then tried to make my way back to fiction by way of Collectors Edition books, but apparently I was acting a little too sneaky. I noticed that the Policeman I had seen in the parking lot was now discreetly following me around the store. Seriously!!! Although I did have on a big jacket to hide my thermal shirt greatness. But my books were on my arm in the open!! So I think to myself.....hmmmm...if I am being followed by a cop let's see what happens to the men. I boldly head back to fiction and take my stand. 

Suddenly Momma's Boy heads into romance and is fascinated by the titles(creepy!! but I am thankful he's gone) and I see the Big Chief head over to foreign language and make fast tracks to the back of the store. Safe now, I perused to my little heart's content. And run into a tall cutie with curling brown locks and adorable glasses who recoils in fear when he looks up from reading his back cover and sees my gremlin-ey self shuffling along with my greasy locks and books and parka and policeman. 

The moral of the story. Erica needs to dress up to go to Half Price. If I get all clean-like: the cuties will at least acknowledge me, the lowlifes will not think they have a chance, and the police will not have a reason to be suspicious of my excessive layering of clothing.  The End.

Breaking News for all He-men

Hey Red-Blooded American Men, no not you Emo types......... the ones who watch Monday Night Football and think they can get the babes in beer commercials(and still call them babes), the man who needs a Hungry Man meal and not some femme lean cuisine.........here's an announcement for you!

In case you were worrying about your dry skin but are way too lumberjack to use a pansy body wash with microbeads or some such crap, We the makers of Gillette(the best a man can get) have a much less wussy option for you. 

Gillette now offers you a Body Wash that will take off at least 3 layers of man stink in a single shower. AND since we know you were worried, but too butch to say anything, we are announcing an earth shatteringly amazing new discovery that is included in the body wash. DRY SKIN HYDRATOR.  

We know what you are saying to yourself. 

"Holy SHIZ. I have been waiting my whole life for something to hydrate my skin. My wife/Mom/Sister says use some lotion before your hands crack in half, but I ain't the type of guy to use "lotion" if you get what I'm saying...........in case ya didn't get that - not using lotion means I'm straight."

We at Gillette heard you. We did not create a bodywash with lotion. HECK NO!  The Dry Skin Hydrator is in no way a lotion. It uses cyborg alien micro....chips from a far off planet to invade and colonize your skin cells with moisture. No wait....not moisture....guys hate moisture.....they colonize you with H20 and lube.  Yeah lube. 

So get your woman/mom to go to the store and buy you some Gillette Body Wash with Dry Skin Hydrator. She may say to you"You mean Body Wash with Lotion?" or "You mean Cream Body Wash?" and you can feel confident in saying to her "DID I SAY LOTION??? NO!!! I want the one with alien cyborg H20 microchips made for MEN. Duh!? Now go back to the kitchen"

No need to thank us. We're Gillette. We're too straight to feel comfortable with praise from other men. Unless you feel like giving us a sports trophy or a raise.

The Tale of the Sonic Shadow and the Bunny

And now for your Halloween reading pleasure......I give you the spooky story of.....

The Sonic Shadow and the Bunny

Let us hearken back .......many many years ago. Sooooooo many years ago. Back to when the George Bush Toll Road/190 did not exist. When no one but the Packards had heard of Wylie or....... how do you say it .....Sack-See?  A day in the early 90's. When Madonna had a Secret and not an adopted African child. The distant past.

In these olden days, a Daria-like high school age girl was off from her monotonous job slaving away at a local Ross. Where customer service was really a front for the local narcotics trade. But I digress. This particular day she wanted to relax and enjoy the summer. But she had been stuck at home with her younger sister who is known as The Bunny. The Bunny always got her way in their house by using her Bunny eyes and her Bunny whine on their parents. Thus the Bunny wanted to try out her new driving skills and be the chauffeur for a trip to ......Lake Lavon. Alterna-Daria protested, but the Bunny was determined and AD figured her life was less at risk in the middle of a weekday than at any other time so she agreed. 

The Bunny managed to safely make her way to the Lake(or is it a cess pit?) and the girls tried to attract all of the cancerous UV rays they could to their slave-labor pasty bodies. As Texas was an inferno in August then, as it continues to be now, the young ladies were FRIGGIN HOT. They would have liked to dedicate more time to their melanomas, but they were mere millimeters from heat stroke. Especially Alterna-Daria who only sweats from her face and retains heat. Bunny and AD decided to make their way back home to avoid AD tossing her cookies. Back in the day in Wylie, one store, one beacon of hope existed for summer sufferers. SONIC. Like a mirage in the middle of abandoned carpet stores and trailer homes with Playschool gyms, the Sonic stood for all that was good and right and tasty in the world. 

The Bunny and Alterna-Daria made a pilgrimage to this sacred Sonic every time they came to the Lake(?). The Bunny pulled in to a parking space and rolled down her window. She and AD ordered their Route 66 drinks and The Bunny rolled her window back up to conserve the car's A/C. As she pushed the window-up button, the skies darkened slightly and a crow cawed as it landed on the red Sonic roof. 

The girls sang along to "Genie in a Bottle" and talked away, unaware that a devilish fate was circling in upon them. Minutes passed and AD looked for their girl-on-wheels to bring the drinks but the Bunny sang away and never once glanced outside of the car. She was completely oblivious that the seconds ticking away brought her closer to ......The Shadow.

Our villainous Shadow worked inside the Sonic and was known for her stealthy moves and invisible style, but only to those who knew she existed. Many employees had only heard of the Shadow, but had never seen her. She was that good at the shadowy game. She had grown up a middle child with mousy brown hair in a middle class family. No one ever paid her any mind which bothered her for quite some time until she realized that invisibility could work to her advantage. She began to study the art of spying and disappearing into the woodwork. Forced by her middle class mediocrity to seek a job, she applied at the local Sonic and figured she could practice her "ghost on wheels" technique. She had delivered many a Coney, many a Tot, and no one remembered the elusive phantom who delivered the fatty goodness.

This hot August day, the Shadow figured she had her perfect storm. Two girls singing along like fools to the  music in the car. Blonds too. Blech. They'd never realize she'd been there till she was back in the kitchen moving on to her next victim. The fools. 

The Shadow loaded up the Route 66 drinks on her tray and rolled toward the crappy white Mystique. As her skates turned, she prepared her most forgettable voice. "1.98 please. Thanks." roll away. It was almost TOO perfect. As she approached, the taller girl turned and saw her, but the younger one in the driver's seat kept singing. And singing. Was she ever going to realize her order had arrived?? How unorthodox. Typically people watched for their food. This younger girl seemed to NOT CARE about her drink. It was over 100 degrees out. Was she crazy?? The Shadow was perplexed. What to do??

Making a decision she would regret her whole life, the Shadow bit her lower lip and knocked on the window. And all hades broke loose. 

The young blond girl turned into a raving maniac, screaming at the top of her lungs and ripping away at the ceiling of the car. She kicked her feet into the gas pedal and floorboards of the parked car as if she was being attacked. The scream went on and on, even after she turned and looked the Shadow dead in the eye and saw her order sitting right there. 

The Shadow, unnerved by the convulsive epileptic death scream, started to scream herself and tossed the drinks in the air. Luckily she managed to catch them on the tray before they spilled all over her. The Shadow's stealth operation was now not only compromised, she was totally humiliated. 

The young girl rolled down the window of the white car, and, barely able to breathe, said "I'm sorry- you scared me." The older blond girl only laughed- apparently also unable to breathe. The Shadow thought she heard her say "I swear I'm gonna pee myself" but she could never be certain.

The Shadow said"1.98 please. Thanks." And rolled away in shame. Her shoulders hunched. Her invisibility having been too effective for the first time. As the kitchen door swung shut, the wind carried her cry"Marsha Marsha Marsha!!"

And the Bunny? What happened to our blond fluffy friend? Did the trauma of the Shadow's silent attack affect her in any way? Nope- still hopping along to Sonic. But now she stares at the kitchen door like a hawk. Bunny will never allow the Shadow to sneak up on her again. But she will continue to need a Cherry Limeade during the summer. It's Texas. Mortal Fear vs. Refreshing Drink -it's really a cost/benefit analysis type of situation. 

Bad Writing Challenge!!!

Ok friends. On one of those dumb ads on facebook they managed to suck me in to a contest to write the best story in six words. How F*U*N is that?!!! But you had to create a membership to their website blah blah blah. Not gonna happen.

So let's bring it on right here right now. A writing contest. But in 7 words cause that is my lucky number.

Your best story or funny poem in 7 words.

For example:

Men, Chocolate:Love one, lose the other.

Green Frog + Pink Pig/amber waves=LOVE

Erica says "This calls for Lady Gloves!"

Let the madness begin.....

Film Noir Vignettes

Instead of the typical quotes I now have for you a series of conversations for you. Please take them in the avante-garde, art-house film style they were meant to be shown in. This is classy stuff. Imagine a foggy night where the black and white film is mostly shades of gray........

A woman pulls her blue hoodie up over her hair, dons her big sunglasses and rolls down the car the car window........

"Hey look! I'm Little Blue Riding G! Whut!"

She then tries to spit her gum out the car window like a man and instead launches it about three inches in front of her to land on the upholstery.

In an attempt to imitate a creepy kid in Texas Chainsaw Massacre..........

"The road don't go there." unsuccessful snort

"Excuse me?"

"The road don't go there." slightly more successful snort

"Whatever you say Clarisse"(in Hannibal Lecter voice)

"Huh? I'm quoting Texas Chainsaw Massacre- not Silence of the Lambs"

"I'm sorry to tell you that unfortunately you sound more like Anthony Hopkins" very successful snort

"FINE. The road don't go there" Snooooort. "Fava Beans and Chianti"

"What is that in the middle of the road? Cement and black stuff?"

"It looks like a grey sweater and tire parts"

"I think it's grey cement and something that goes with grey cement"

"To me I say a cement ploppy and a dastardly mustache shaped tire part"

"Hee hee! Oh NO!!!!! You're driving too close to it! AAAHHHHH! Oh ...it's really just cement"

"I know."

"Maybe a cement turd if you will."

"I prefer cement ploppy but whatever. It was a messy pile o' cement."

"OOooh. I take that back. Cement and turd don't go together."

"They do if you eat shredded wheat. "

"Too true. That reminds me I need to stop eating oatmeal at work."

Quotitas Fantabulosas

"Surely you can clean your pile while I am still sitting in your pile"

"When did you have your warm delight? Last night?!!! Is that why it looks like a crusty delight now?"

"My mascara looks like Jessica Simpson when she goes on TV."

"I wanna itch my butt like Baloo the bear! You mean against a tree? Not just any tree- a coconut tree."

"I want to thank you for one thing about today ...which was the opportunity to meet someone more anal retentive than myself."

"The only reason we seem immature and talkative is because they are old and introverted. So their opinions don't matter. They're introverts dang it!! Why are they getting any input? Why are they even talking? Maybe I should stop talking."

The Story of Checkout Ben

There once was a 19 yr old boy with tall, dark, & emo good looks whose only dream was to be in an amazing rock band. Or to play Rock Band. He would probably eventually become something quite nerdy for the money, but for now-it was all about the music.

The dreams of 19 year olds are not often already fulfilled and most unlucky post-high school acne-prone boys are forced to seek employment in places that are most absurd. Our hero Ben was driven by poverty and circumstance to apply at many stores in East Plano and it just so happened that Kohl's welcomed him as a valuable employee. You see... Ben was quite the diamond in the rough...and with Kohl's new lines of hard rockin' Hilary Duff and Miley Cyrus merchandise...Little Ben was sure to catch the eye of all of the teenyboppers in black leggings and plastic jewelry.

On this particular day though.....Ben was not living up to his potential. He had no reason to shine. All the cute girlies were back at school after Labor Day. It was windy outside. Just a quiet day to work in general. One of those days that there seemed to be no perks to working at a store famous for friggin awesome discounts.

As Ben stood there bored at his checkout counter.... a lovely and amazing woman(Cougar E) walked up to make her purchase. Ben thought to himself" If I were Mormon and like 10 years older I would aggressively pursue and marry this women, but Alas I am 19 and no one knows my religion." The lovely lady handed over her dirt cheap satiny shirt into Ben's capable hands. Ben said "Hi....Thanks for shopping at Kohl's today. Would you like to open a Kohl's charge and save 10%" which was secret code for "I love you".

The mysterious hottie said only " No thanks" which he knew meant "I think I love you too."

Made clumsy by his feelings, Ben turned quickly away and scanned the shirt's tag. And that was when tragedy ensued. Ben doubled over to get a bag for the shirt and stood up. He felt a funny feeling in the pit of his stomach and then his throat and then..NOOO!!!

BUUUUUUURPPPP!!!!

Silence. Crickets. It appears she didn't notice. Or maybe she noticed and she's too polite to say anything. Maybe I should say something. But what?

"Your shirt's so cute it made me burp."

Once again. Silence. No wait she's turning to look at me!

"Huh?" OH NO!! She's offended!!!

"Ummm...nothing. Cash or Charge?"

As she completed the transaction by herself using the card swiper, Ben had a mental breakdown filled with whys. Why had he drank a coke with lunch? Why had he leaned over so fast? Why had he BLAMED HER SHIRT???

As he stood there face flaming and turned to face the register he never noticed that the lady's eyes teared up and that she had to bite her lip to keep quiet. In reality the lady couldn't tell if he burped or if it was another sound and the shock caused a time delay. Then she was further shocked by the joke and her only intelligible response was "Huh?!" until crazy laughter took over.

As the lady walked out of the store, she said "Goodbye! Thanks!" but poor Ben was too distracted by his shame to hear.

And thus we see the beginning of Ben.....who will become a rock star. Once he figures out how to turn burp-shame and word-vomit into angst-ridden lyrics gold.

Poor Ben.

A mistake you only make once

So here's a short little story for all of you that brightened my day and made me laugh until I cried.

Tonight I volunteered as I usually do on Wednesday nights. In the place I volunteeer there are many many many lockers available to store your stuff. The locker numbers are also completely and totally out of order. Not sure how it happened, but it's so bad there's almost no point to having a locker number. Each locker is supposed to have one hanger in it in case someone needs to hang stuff. There are also stalls to change your clothes.

This is not the actual locker room, just an example of a much smaller one.....Imagine what you would do to check that each locker had a hanger in it?

Often people grab the hangers to use them and then don't remember to put them back in the lockers at the end of the night, so one of the jobs you may do as a volunteer is to go to all the stalls and put the hangers back into the lockers that are empty. You walk by, open all the lockers, check for a hanger, if it needs one, you leave it open, then you go back and replace a hanger in all the open lockers after you clean the stalls. It takes like 2 minutes.

Tada. That is all the backstory you need.

So tonight someone relatively new(aren't you glad I am keeping you anonymous?) was given the task and told to make sure each locker had a hanger. It was also CRAZY busy. Insane amounts of people there using the lockers. IE- like half of them were missing keys and still locked. Our Friend started her task by checking the lockers and she thought to herself....if I leave a locker open, someone might walk by and close it(why they would do this... I don't know) ....so I better just lock all of the lockers without hangers and take their keys with me. Our friend then walked up to me with a pile of like 40 keys and was super proud that she had figured out which lockers needed hangers.

And now she had a pile of 40 keys and no way of finding the completely out of order lockers.

Being a super sensitive person, I laughed myself silly and then made her wait till a few more people could see her insane pile o' keys and then we spent the next while (with more helpers) matching back all of the keys to the lockers and Our Friend would hand us a hanger to use as we found them. We assumed they were from the stalls. She then proceeded to the stalls to clean them out.........where she picked up a ton of hangers which now had no homes because she had gotten new ones out from storage for the lockers. Seriously. It killed me. Then for the rest of the evening you could tell who had heard the story by who looked like they had cried recently.

Friend......Have I mentioned that I heart you deeply??

Here's Your Sign- The Seattle Edition

I just got back from a fabulous trip to Seattle for the Breaking Dawn concert series. I will be posting more pics later, but for now a photo montage of the ridiculous things I saw in Seattle. Other than the girl dressed up as a lamb bride at the concert.


Our Hotel - By European style, they mean we provide you nothing but a bed. And the self-righteous feeling all environmentalists get for "conserving water" with each flush of the communal toilets.

A) How on EARTH could anyone start a business for Port-a-Potties and call it Honey Bucket???? And B) all I could think of was Honey Buckets of Oats. Which is even more wrong.

Safety cones are now avant garde art. (I had the voice of Mike Myers running through my head "If it's not scottish it's crap!" Actually he was mostly just saying "It's crap" in my head with a scottish accent)

Take your filthy paws off my silky drawers.

I confess to the sin of gluttony. And not being repentant at all for my gluttony.

You are now entering the LOVE ZONE. I enjoy that the "Love Zone" is also the place to get classy nails. I agree with an old friend that the minute you actually say the word "classy" something becomes NOT classy.

Ok-more fun later. And Hey You..... Grubby Hands!!! Keep your mits off those ripe cherries.

It's cool baby

So the awfulness of my day at work Monday has had the effect of making me more calm than usual. Working in an area of the hospital where people really do die is a total downer, but I knew that was what I was getting myself in for when I signed up and I'm OK with it. But is also has the effect of clobbering me over the head with eternal perspective which I definitely need sometimes.

So I have had all kinds of stupid personal drama this week. Some of you have heard about it, but it's not even exciting personal drama, so I won't go into it. The main point is, all things considered, I would probably not be sleeping super well at night, would have a racing heart from anxiety, be sniping at everyone around me under normal circumstances. I'm a worrier. But some how I am not. I am relatively OK and actually feeling kind of hippie peace love cool man daddy-o about life right now. Whatever baby. It's alright.

I am doing what I want to be doing finally. YAY! I am getting a paycheck finally(and on a regular basis) YAY! I am still getting to go to Zumba once in a while YAY! I get to go see Stephenie Meyer again YAY!

Not to say that I don't have other issues in my life, but the positives are outweighing the negatives right now. Or at least I am having an increased ability to focus on the positives. I just hope the effect my work has on me doesn't completely wear off.

So anyways I haven't blogged during the week this week, but here are the thing people have told me to blog about:

1) A lady at Zumba wore a thong (visible) that she had to keep pulling up. Super classy and attractive. And did I mention that Khalilah and I are the only women under 45 there? Can I make a thong age limit? Actually I'm anti-thing at any age. I gotta be honest. And VISIBLE? That is just so.......desperate.

2) At Jen's request - And I quote: myself : "You should have been here so you could go get mystic tans with my sister and me and look like a baked potato too. Or toast. Mmmm carbs."

3) An Ode to my Heating Pad. This was actually my idea but I am too lazy to take a pic and download it for you all. I felt that a blog all about how much I love my heating pad (or ice packs) would necessitate visuals. I ain't got that kind of energy this week. I'll include some of my deep feelings though anyways for your reading pleasure.

Oh my dear sweet heating pad, you are a joy in my life. Anytime I am in pain, there you are for me, like a bear hug from the Sun. I love you HP and you are almost an addiction to me at times. You give me a pain-free buzz so it is only right that I have never used you on any other power level than high. Why do they even have other levels? Who uses them? People who are coldhearted or maybe the reptile family. But I digress. Oh heating pad, I don't have a pet, but if you are with me I can close my eyes and imagine I have a warm little doggie curled up next to me. But a doggie would get up to bark and have bad breath and lick my face so heating pad- in reality you are better than a pet. More constant, More loyal, More hot, Less smelly. Cheaper. Lower maintenance. When I feel blue, heating pad, you give me the feeling of love, of being wrapped in grandma's quilt or sitting next to a campfire with my friends. Heating Pad, in my current circumstances you are better than any boyfriend I could have, because you are able to sleep with me and keep my popsicle toes warm. Ya know, unless I went off the deep end and got a Lovah. In which case maybe you would have second place in my heart. For a while, I have to be honest, I thought electric blanket had it going on. But then I began to feel smothered by his warmth. He was too big, and a little overwhelmingly hot for the long term. But HP, you are just right. If I fall asleep, you just take the other side of the bed and you are there for me when I need you again, so secure of yourself that you don't ever act needy like that blanky. In short, Heating Pad you got it going on.

The Ballad of the Vegorexic and Carnivorosa

The Scene: New Nurse Training
The Characters:
Cool Black Girl(CBG)- A new nurse from Arkansas
Nice Latina Nurse(NLN)- a friend of CBG
The Vegorexic- A new super emaciated nurse from Minnesota(equipped with Frances McDormand accent with a huge helping of valley girl)
Carnivorosa(me)

The Vegorexic was a lonely and anal retentive girl who walked the earth feeling slightly lost and damaged. Ya. She did. So she moved to Texas because a friend told her to and embarked on a new nursing career.

Texas was totally hot. Oh gee. And the free lunches always came with a few vegetarian entrees. You would think to yourself that this would make a vegetarian Minnesotan happy, but you would be wrong because our dear nursey was .....vegorexic. A distinct difference from the typical vegetarian who doesn't like meat. Little Vegorixec didn't want to eat at all and used vegetarianism as a front to opt out of eating.

She though she was fooling everyone, but unfortunately Carnivorosa had too much experience with vegorexics to miss the clues. When Vegorexic picked up a knife and fork to eat her veggie wrap there was a hint that something was off. Then she cut it into tiny pieces and then separated each veggie into piles which she then moved around the plate and started eating one carrot shred at a time and then threw away the plate without having eaten more than 5 carrot shreds and said "That was yummy -I am sooo full!" Carnivorosa knew now exactly what she was dealing with.

One fine summer day Cool Black Girl and the Vegorexic started a conversation about how gosh darn skinny our Vegorixec was. CBG said to Veg " I have got to lose some weight and you are sooo thin. Whatever you are doing it must be working. Really Working. Are you on a diet?"

"No. I'm not on a diet. I'm just a vegetarian and we eat really healthy. You should totally try it. You'll never go back once you do because you won't miss meat(or food in general thought Carnivorosa). Trust me." CBG gives Veg a skeptic look. "I'll never miss meat? I don't know about that. I don't think I could be a vegetarian."

At this point Carnivorosa walked up to the group and entered the conversation along with
Nice Latina Nurse. Veg turns to CBG and NLN and says"Have you ever tried a Veggie burger? They are EXACTLY the same as a real one only no nasty meat!!" CBG says "For reals? I never had one." NLN shakes her head no that she never tried one either. Veg turns to Carnivorosa and asks "What about you?" Carnivorosa says" Yes, I have had a veggie burger and although I like them I could NEVER say they are exactly like a real hamburger- it's not the same. I like them, but it's a different taste"

This inspires an animation in Veg to prove Carnivorosa wrong. "That's not possible. They are just as good as real burgers. Do you have a Red Robin here in Dallas?" At this point Carnivorosa thought to herself - Why the Crap would you bring up the holy grail of juicy burger goodness to convert us to your sick "tasteless veggie food is easier to lose weight because you won't want to eat it" plan? Now I want a fruity beverage and a Whisky River Barbeque Burger- but what Carnivorosa said was " Heck yes we have Red Robin. Why?"

Veg replied,"Go order their Veggie burger. It's so amazing you'll never want meat again. That is totally the same as any burger." With thoughts of onion curls and a toasty bun in her head Carnivorosa said "I might try that sometime, but all you did was make me crave a bacon cheeseburger or something by mentioning Red Robin." At the mention of demon bacon Vegorexic began to dry heave and make gagging noises. After regaining control she hissed much like Nagini in the last Harry Potter movie.

Meanwhile CBG and NLN's eyes go wide and CBG says "You almost had me going along with you Veg. I can't believe I almost gave up bacon cheeseburgers!?! I'm never gonna be a vegetarian. FREEEK! " NLN nods in agreement and CBG and NLN begin a discussion about how tasty bacon is. Vegorexic flashes a dark look at Carnivorosa, foiled in her attempt to create another minion of PETA. Carnivorosa just flashed her teeth in a predatory smile. Vegorexic thought she might have seen fangs and heard the low rumble of the purr of a big cat, but she was never really sure.

The Hidden Valley Incident

So here's the story since Alison and my sis have not yet stolen the blogworthy event.

The Setting: Opening of Sunday School Lesson

Candice Meldrum(teacher):In the gospel there are a lot of words it is hard to describe. What are some words we use in the church that are confusing for people outside the church? ( I am paraphrasing)

Answer 1: Ward

Answer 2: Stake

Me: Ranch Dressing, I am telling you, it is SOOO hard to describe to someone who has never had it.

Everyone in class: weird looks in my direction

My sister(whispering): Erica stop now- that is NOT what she was asking!!!!

Aibi: so is it Tuna or Chicken Jessica?

And Scene.




Here is what I heard :

Candice: There are some things that are hard to describe in the church- what are some things that are hard to describe?

( I immediately think of the famous how do you describe the spirit? It's like Salt analogy)

Answer 1: (I didn't hear it)

Answer 2: Steak

Me: Ranch Dressing

(And yes, I WAS wearing Jessica Simpson Shoes. Aibi is psychic and very flattering too. Flatter Flatter. )

Yet Another Crack Induced Dream? Or Future Reality?

So last night I couldn't sleep much cause my side hurt like heck. My mom and I are assuming I pulled something trying to walk shelter dogs on saturday who were not used to walking and tried to run as free as the wind blows when we got out the door. They were big doggies too. Anyways. Legs hurt, sides hurt.

So in the few initial hours of sleep before my pain woke me up.....I had a bizarre dream.

We were all at Sam's place for a party and everyone was sitting in a circle. People would get into the middle and tell stories or perform a talent to make us all laugh. More and more people kept arriving until it was like 75 people crammed in. I had just been watching the performers and I thought to myself that maybe I would do something but my mind was BLANK. No talent at all. And with more and more people.....I had no desire to be the center of attention.

I was trying desperately to think of how to entertain such a large crowd. Should I sing something? No too cheesy. Should I sing something badly on purpose? But what? Maybe tell a story? But what story? ARG!!!! (somehow the fact that I probably don't know anyone who is amazing in the entertaining area escaped me- in my dream there was all kinds of funny stuff being done in the circle by people I know are relatively lame in real life) So as I am contemplating what on earth I could do, I see Jermaine and Bret seated across the room. I think to myself "How the HECK did they get invited here?" and then suddenly my anxiety is much worse. I MUST do something funny as a way to get to introduce myself. Then I can get a funny boyfriend!! YESS !!! I could be your most beautiful girl in the room and we could eat kebabs! We could get married and wear business socks. AHHHH WHAT TO DO???!! My caliber of funny is just not enough in an on demand performance!! But I never thought of anything and then I woke up.

Tragedy. I am sure I would have received marriage proposals from them both had I just sang an Ashlee Simpson song or told some why I win the "worst date ever contest" stories. Or I could have done my fabulous karaoke to Bust a Move. Easy-peasy. What was I thinking in my sleep?!! Geez.