E-Disharmony

Friday, May 22, 2009 |

Due to the request that I include these gems in my blog..... I now give to you all a hidden treasure and the reason I am not an internet dater.

These come from a while back when I joined e-harmony to support a friend and THIS is who they thought I was compatible with. Among other more normal men.

Their profiles are in black and my comments in hot pink. The spelling mistakes are all their own. I cut and pasted their profiles with some info removed to protect identities. Although if you knew these two I am sure you might recognize them.

GORDON
Occupation: I work eight hours a day.

The one thing gordon is most passionate about:

Most passionate about my family and a healthy life style. I enjoy talking and dating l.d.s. woman. I enjoy motorsports vehicles, and just relaxing around the home on days off from work. I like be near the lakes, rivers, and ponds in the summer time and during winter, be indoors. I eat a varity of healthy foods like salads and vegetables(I’m glad to know this information!! Do you run with scissors? I need to know that too.) I drink water, no candy, pop or milk.(Yay!! A man who is 5’5 and hates food…..I can be Jack Sprat’s wife….a lifelong dream to be the 0 in a 10 relationship can now be fulfilled)

The three things which gordon is most thankful for:

My personal rights to speak English (I am soooo excited that you are so focused on your political right to speaking English that you even include it in dating profiles…then again it’s probably easy to be racist when you can’t eat any of our nation’s delicious ethnic foods as most include demon cheese), choosing to vote, and read and write as I wish.

Give and recieve love by friends, and family members.

Have a great physical body, and can experince many good feelings. (Please keep this part about your body’s ability to experience good feelings to yourself in the future)

The most influential person in gordon's life has been:

Many teachers have been influential in my life. Honestly, Jesus Christ is the best example of a great life here on earth taught by reading the scriptures. There are many good examples in life, happening all the time, but did you see them or are you blind? When was the last time you helped someone in need? (HOLY CRAP!!! I thought we were a total love match Gordon… I was feeling good feelings in my physical body and then POW you call me out for being selfish……you condemnatory minx!)

gordon's friends describe him as:

Hard Working
Intelligent
Kind
Spiritual

Three of gordon's best life-skills are:

Raising and/or caring for children (Isn’t that a little premature to say?)
Maintaining an organized life
Making improvements and repairs around the house

The most important thing gordon is looking for in a person is:

Looking for an active lds woman who will be my best friend; whick will talk to me, give advise when asked(speak only when spoken to?), be a good listener when explaining a situation to her, help do home projects in and out doors on our home(slave labor). Caring for each other is important too. I like the story of the tree, wanting it to be balanced, where the trunk, limbs and leaves are all in good shape, and if possible, finding the seedlings and sap. We must have quailities that are close to each other.(I don’t think I have enough sap for us to be compatible unfortunately )

The first thing you'll probably notice about gordon when you meet him:

That I'm honest w/ other people(cause you can’t hide crazy!! ), happy, see the good in something or a person.

The one thing gordon wishes MORE people would notice about him is:

I have great teeth and smile. I brush them alot, to keep clean and white.(Here’s where the OCD becomes obvious)

gordon typically spends his leisure time:

My leisure time is spent doing activities in or near homes.(Hiding in closets or behind bushes) I see the county fairs in fall, car shows in summer and spring is busy w/ home expo. Leisure time is watching tv for two hrs a day, doing something for a person, and spending alot of time on the computer to chat to the ladies, so I CAN go on a date. It take time to wash and keep items clean and neat in your houses and yard. I shop alot for new parts and pieces whick make a home improve in quality and function.

The things gordon can't live without are:

Electrical appliance. (I am afraid to ask which one)
A home or place to live.
Money to buy food.
Eight hour to sleep.
Clean clothes, mind, and body. (He really took this too literally I think- like it’s a science and not a personality question)

The last book gordon read and enjoyed:

I enjoy reading mag. more than books. I go often to a Barns and Noble store in the mall and flip through them. I spend a few hrs. each month as new editions are released on to the shelfes. I read books that will teach me how to do a skill better, for work or employment needs. I just read book on stuff that would be fun to do as a hobbie or fun. (I have bin waiting my hole life to find man who shares my hobbie of snicking into Barnse & Nooble and look at mags but not have to pay for them. And Gordon seims to be handy so maybe he can help instal my book shelfes. Bee stil my beeteng hart.)

One thing that only gordon's best friends know is:

NO eatting or drinking of milk products, icecream, yogurts, cottage cheese, and milk. I LIKE TO EAT PIZZA, but get it with no cheese. I have alot of small molles all over my body.

Some additional information gordon wanted you to know is:

I'm have three other brothers, one sister, and parents who are still alive.(Is he implying there are ones who AREN’T still alive?) I like to operate gas powered vehicles.(Are wood chippers gas powered? Just asking…) I'm not outdoors when the weather is really hot or cold, an example, above 90 and below 30. The seasons that I like best are spring and fall, based on temperature of outdoors. I like to exercise, and try two times a wk. I enjoy doing water sports; swimming, fishing and boating. I'm a handsome guy, but not a model. My waist is 32 and inseam is 29. I obey the "Law of Chasity and Word of Wisdom" I like the colors red and blue. I have built a small garge and rebuild alot of homes, concrete work, walls,(concrete in walls where he hides bodies maybe?) window and doors, plumbing.


AND NOW FOR YOUR VIEWING PLEASURE THE TOTAL CONTRAST OF

DANIEL

The one thing Daniel is most passionate about:

My religion is central to my life. I will only marry in an LDS temple. I am very involved in local politics, having won an election or two in the County Republican party. I feel I have an obligation to my future children to work now on their behalf. I believe we have a responsibility to learn all we can in this life, and to do the right thing, even when it hurts. I am passionate about music, theater, and literature.

The three things which Daniel is most thankful for:

Obvious : God, Country, and Family

Personal : My Testimony, Kung Fu, and Birds (Lets get 2 Love Birds and name them Little grasshopper and Lamoni if we get married…..we can combine all your faves)

Whimsy : Jelly Bellies, The Desert Star Playhouse, and Tickling Little Kids (molester?)

The most influential person in Daniel's life has been:

There are a great many men I admire. I have been privileged to know some of the finest people God ever created. Soldiers, Teachers, Children, Authors, Thinkers, Tinkerers, Clergy, and Astronauts. My Father is greater than them all.

Daniel's friends describe him as:

Intelligent
Kind
Funny
Spiritual

Three of Daniel's best life-skills are:

Continuing to expand my knowledge and awareness
Finding creative solutions to everyday problems
Communicating my innermost thoughts and feelings

The most important thing Daniel is looking for in a person is:

I am looking for a phenomenal woman who will not only love me, but can sustain me in fulfilling the full measure of our purpose here on earth. She loves her country, her family, and her God. She is affectionate physically and verbally. She is happy looking out over a forested lake, in a formal gown at the symphony, or putting her hands in finger paint. She is fit, feminine, and confident. She loves to laugh, and will do it all the more when I am with her. She seeks out truth, wherever it leads, and inspires all with her integrity and grace. Most important, she is prepared to be loved, protected, and cherished for eternity. ( I think she is prepared…….to be translated….GEEZ!!)

The first thing you'll probably notice about Daniel when you meet him:

My Confidence. Often mistaken as arrogance, regrettably,(Arrogant?? Quel surprise!) but I know exactly who I am. I am a son of God. I am the man I want to be, and the kind of man I hope my future daughters find.(I think my hands are literally reaching out to strangle him through cyberspace) I always trust my instincts. They are based in my own experience and in gospel principals.

The one thing Daniel wishes MORE people would notice about him is:

My Candor. I speak no guile. I will only lie if I think it's funny(what a relief!). Makes dating very difficult, but I know my patience will pay off in time. The right woman will love me for it.

Daniel typically spends his leisure time:

I love stories. On page, stage, or film. I devour books. I am writing a book (me, and half of America). I almost always have music playing. Might be John Denver, Beasie Boys, Mozart's Requiem, or Harry Connick Jr. I like to sing, and know alot of Irish drinking songs. And Scottish. And Australian.

The things Daniel can't live without are:

Life - In all it's varied splendor.
Liberty - God bless America
Pursuit of Happiness - 2 Nephi 2:25
Sunlight- I'm just a happy dork in the Perriwinkle (Is a comment necessary?)
Water - I love being wet. Squirt guns or pools.

The last book Daniel read and enjoyed:

Last book was "Lone Survivor - The Eyewitness Account of Operation Redwing and the Lost Heroes of SEAL Team 10". I can not read the title without choking up. God bless those brave, brave souls. I find the books I read most often are the books I loved as a child. I've read and re-read "The Black Cauldron" series, Enders Game, Cyrano, 3 Musketeers, Frankenstien and Dune at least a dozen times each. Maybe more. I also read the "Book of Mormon" (at least one verse) every single day.

One thing that only Daniel's best friends know is:

I have no secrets. Though very active as a young man, I left the Church for a few years in my late teens-early twentys. I am grateful for the pain and hunger that led me back home. It has forged my testimony in adamant. I have not faltered since my return 7 years ago. His goodness, like a fetter, has bound my wandring heart to him. I consider myself a convert.( English experts…….I have never seen adamant used that way? Is that a correct usage- it sounds weird…..but then again he IS weird)

Some additional information Daniel wanted you to know is:

I am a lover and a fighter. A warrior poet, if you will. Gruff, at times, yet beloved by children. I tinker. I laugh. I tickle. Doing field repair means I work with my hands, and with my mind. I am a disk jockey who loves the quiet. A country boy who loves rock and roll. A son of God who can do without Provo. My mind is efficient, strategically bent, analytical, and precise, yet I always follow my instincts. I know that God wants an exceptional life from every last one of us. And I intend to deliver. (He’s a warrior poet and tickler?? HOLY CRAP?!! Like a mix of William Wallace and red fuzzy muppet. Make me yours Tickle- Me Maximus!!)

The End.

9 comments:

JaneHeiress said...

Wow. That's all I can say. I'm...stunned.

So I'm willing to give people the benefit of a doubt when it comes to online profiles (not to the extent of joining a dating service), because some people just have no conception of how they're coming across whether they're normal or not (experience from reading many many resumes and cover letters). But do those two not have sisters that could have proofread their profiles for them?

Allie said...

Holy... Uhmmm I really have no comment, I am speechless, which is saying a lot... I think E harmony may have gotten you a little wrong:D

to be translated (perhaps my fave qoute) I think he is going to have to be patient until he dies and is ressurected (I am positive I spelled that wrong) , cause guess what NO ONE IS PERFECT HERE:D

Gabby said...

So I will begin by saying you're doing better than me. What, how's that, you say???? WELL, WAY back in the day, I joined eHarmony, mostly just for fun. See, I had a coworker who tried and her compatibility profile told her there were NO matches. I wondered what it would tell me. And lo and behold, it told me the same thing. Seems a little cruel, I thought. At least some compatibility with someone, right? Ah, well, didn't need it anyway.

What's sad about those guys is (besides their bad grammar/spelling -- oh, and yes, adamant was used QUITE incorrectly) that, like JaneHeiress said, they have no idea how they're coming across. I get that in emails a lot, people just seems different, at times. AND, theses guys think that what they wrote sounds okay (who puts their waist and inseam size in a profile???) and not the least bit creepy or overly zealous in proclaiming their convictions. What's sadder is that these are people we either probably know, or have known. Or at least people like them. They probably seem mostly decent, but they just don't know how to portray themselves.

nonchalantgirl.blogspot.com

Rhia Jean said...

Good gracious Erica! I had no idea...

I laughed so hard...cause I mean, you like to go to Barnes and Noble to flip through magazines? Pick up a book man! Learn how to spell for crying out loud! And Mr. Perfect likes to tickle...and said so several times. Yuck. That spells closet freak to me...

Alison said...

I remember reading this the first time, and laughing so hard I almost wet myself. It was even better the second time around. I heart you and your witty self! :D

Erin said...

WAHAHA!!! It brought back horrifyingly funny memories of my (short) time on eharmony. Perhaps the guy meant adamantium (as in what wolverine's claws are made of)instead of adamant... Just a possibility. Unfortunately given the rest of his profile he probably just used the word incorrectly. How in the world did eharmony find you compatible with those two nuts?!

Lone Star Couple said...

You crack me up! You can't hide crazy!!

Miss Nesbit said...

Freakin' Awesome! Geez thanks, you totally distracted me from preparing my lesson for tomorrow... That was great!

Mrs.Joe said...

I found your blog through my friend veronica's blog and we have decided that you would be our best friend in real life. This post has single - handedly turned my crappy day around. Thanks!