Life Lessons from Hitchcocktober

Thursday, October 9, 2008 |

After unexpectedly getting off work earlier than anticipated yesterday, I went to see Dial M for Murder- one of the few Hitchcock movies I haven't seen. Yay! It was cheesier and more hysterical than I ever anticipated. And the thrilling movie had many lessons to teach me. As a young person there is much I apparently never knew about life and I will share it with the rest of you.

1) If you have a Lover, you should keep only the most dirty letter around and call it "the letter" cause if you only saved one of many, as a guy, your lover will know which one it is when you say " You know... THE Letter".  

2) The face you make when accused of a murder out of nowhere - also the same face you make when you think you smell pancakes. Nostrils flared, mouth open, occasional sniffing. It's not nearly as shocking as I had previously thought. Apparently it's pretty mouth-watering to be accused of murder. 

3) It is apparently perfectly acceptable to be excited about your tramp girlfriend accused of murder having a complete mental breakdown in the future. And I quote " You're going to have the most fantastic breakdown!" Said with all the glee of a kid about to get a new bike at Christmas while hugging her to comfort her. long as I have something to look forward to I guess I CAN go through the death penalty trial with my chin up. Thanks honey!

4) Writing in all CAPS makes any handwriting totally unintelligible. Seriously. It's like your note fell from an alien planet. Who could have written this?? We'll never know- it was written in caps. Might be Bobo the Elephant with a pen in her trunk....might be a first grader....or even the Unibomber. It will forever remain a mystery ...alas.

5) Police stealing of evidence is totally cool as long as you can use it in a dramatic way to catch a crook. The fact that you had to run errands around town with the evidence for hours if not days to figure out what you had stolen and what to do with it is irrelevant. You're a cop. Feel free to try stuff out.

6) UK courts have a totally awesome idea. Place kinderfoto backgrounds behind the witness box so that when a person is filmed for a trial they have an attractive faux finish behind them instead of the boring courtroom. 

7) They totally have hot rollers at the prison. And they will keep the clothes you got booked in nice and cute and clean for you in case you have an impromptu visit home. A girl can't go home from prison looking less than swell.

8) I am glad they don't have "radio programs" anymore or all you married girls might be stuck at home. How can a woman want to go out and see friends on a Saturday night? Are you being ridiculous? Men may go out all night, but women should stay in. It's the law. That's like asking to go out to the market without stockings on. Preposterous! Your hubbie says just listen to your radio program or do some mending. That's entertaining enough for the females. 

9) It is extremely difficult if not impossible to use your Visa to hire a hitman. The lesson- take out ordinary sums all the time from the ATM and save them. Then gamble alot to throw people off the trail if you do get seen with money and in a year you might have enough in small bills to hire your killer. Wait. That doesn't make sense. I thought you lost money gambling weekly. That lesson makes no sense at ALL. I protest Hitchcock. I don't think you can hoard money AND have a gambling habit. Maybe I just don't know how to do it right. 

10) Really attractive, really rich women still scrape the bottom of the barrel with men. Is there hope for anyone? Only if you're OK with cheaters who are amused by your mental breakdown. Sad......tear.

11) Sleeping alone in a twin bed is no reason not to wear a hot negligee, tousle your curls and wear red lipstick to bed. You're dressing for you, not some man. 

Ok- off to curl my hair and darn socks. That's how us wealthy girl stay wealthy. 


Alison said...

These are all invaluable lessons that I too only became aware of last night after having seen this movie for the first time. You did a wonderful job of organizing them in a way that all woman may easily grasp. What would we do without Grace Kelly to lead us down the path of womanly righteousness and salvation?

I'll tell you what we'd do--we'd all look like dudes after getting out of prison, scream inappropriately when accused of murder, and actually go out and do stuff instead of improving our sewing skills by darning our silk stockings and pasting our husbands' newspaper clippings while he's out boozin' it up.

Thank goodness we have this standard upon which to base our own behavior by.

JaneHeiress said...

Great commentary! I haven't seen this one in years--definitely not my favorite Hitchcock. I don't know why it's so famous. Sorry, Wrong Number is better IMO, and it isn't even a Hitchcock film, but has a similar plot (with a different twist).

Anyway, on the subject of Hitchcock films, Rebecca and Notorious are finally being rereleased on DVD next week! I've been dying ever since I lost my recorded tape, and am eagerly awaiting my Amazon pre-order.