For any poor soul who doesn't know this- take note- you will help yourself out. Use this blog as a reference guide or survival manual if ya will. First recognize something.

We are Southern People. We do things a different way. The right way.

Now that we have made that clear, allow me to give you a lesson that might save your life one day.

Let me preach to you .........the Gospel of Meat.

What is a Cookout? I think universally this term denotes cooking outside. Hot dogs and hamburgers might be involved.

Helpful Tip - (if only hot dogs are going to be cooked you might want to call it a weenie roast(if you are secure enough if your manhood) or just say- We're going to have hot dogs. So simple and easy. Both are a safe bet to prevent the irate hamburger lover's disappointed wrath)

A cookout is something enjoyed around the nation for special events and for cheap dining for family nights. Whee! We're outside. Whee! It smells like something was burning! We have accomplished a caveman-esque task of human life. We burn meat. Make fire. Grrr. (Chest thump)

Now- pay real close attention here Yankees and save yourself a whole world of trouble.

What is a Barbeque?

A Barbeque is an event where real cuts of meat will be served. Real meat. At this point you might be thinking to yourself " Miss Erica, ground beef is real meat that's been ground to itty-bitty pieces!!" That may be nice for you in the North but down here I expect brisket when I attend something someone calls a barbeque. Possibly grilled chicken, maybe ribs, or steak, or sausage. There dang well better be some type of quality real still-in one-piece meat or blood might be shed. And it might be yours. Or your kin's. It behooves those who have been warned to warn their neighbor.

I have literally gone home in tears because some unknowing fool announced a barbeque and I showed up to hot dogs. It shouldn't happen. I lose my cool and start hitting things when I expect brisket and get Oscar Mayer parts. Heaven help us when I have a craving for brisket that gets thwarted!!!

If you can't put barbeque sauce on it- you can't call it barbeque. That should be simple enough.

I have lived in the South for the past 25 years and let me tell you what. If I want a freaking hot dog I will drive through Sonic for a Foot-long Coney. Can you recreate that genius combination of chili and melted cheese and fresh bun for me at your "BBQ"- I think not. And if so will you serve it to me with a Cherry Limeade or an Ocean Water? I rest my case. So ......if y'all are gonna cook and eat outside you best do it right. With real meat.

I honestly can't understand why hot dogs are worth the effort of outdoor cooking outside of camping. If you're gonna go outside and you can keep your meat refrigerated- use the real stuff. Do yourself and everyone a favor. If you've gotta be a cheapo- call it what it is and prevent your appearance on the next edition of COPS as the victim of the skewering.

I'm just trying to help you out. Bless your hearts. It makes me feel good to lift y'all from the bonds of ignorance. Don'tcha feel freer? Do ya minds feel enlightened with wisdom?

Now go home and apply this in your daily lives and trouble me no more with your dang hot dog barbeques.


Tamara said...

This has been so enlightening. We Cali kids can be SO ignorant when it comes to meat. I'm devastated by my previous indiscretions involving misnomers of outdoor cooking. I owe you a debt of gratitude for your helpful tips.

Rhia Jean said...

Thank you for clarifying this in writing to the rest of the world. I have been trying for years but have been unsuccessful. If we stand together, it just might work.

Alison said...

Wow! You should see about running this an a public service announcement. Oh, the lives that would be saved!!

WhiteEyebrows said...

Yes... I made this mistake... once.

Now I refer to everything that involves my grill as "grilling". That way no one gets their hopes up.

I'm still learning.

Erika said...

I've been trying to drum this in to people for ages. Thanks for making it so clear. I may refer people to this blog...Bless their hearts!