In honor of my upcoming landmark birthday- I decided to honor myself with a photo montage of my greatness. As I considered and pondered over the many milestones of my life and what has made me who I am today, it seemed the only thing lacking in my future True Hollywood Story is a person to share my perfect life with. It is a baffling and tragic mystery why I am not as yet married. Maybe as we take a nostalgic look back, we will solve the puzzle......

And so I present to you........Erica

1) Possibly the first place I went wrong was in taking childhood pics at Kinderfoto where I was exposed to toxic pink radiation. There is a whole generation of people who might have children with two heads. Seriously. We're all gonna be pink in the great annals of History (Wikipedia) when we are dust and the future a mere memory.



2) As far as this picture goes, I have always been a kind of a summer beach baby. It is hard to explain my appearance on Toddlers Gone Wild. I freely admit it. I think I had one too many Otter Pops and I was convinced at the time that reality TV was an avant garde form of art and not exploitation.


3) I have always been pretty much a money-grubbing opportunist. Imaginary characters were the least of the people I have charmed for cold hard cash or bling.
4) For a brief period of time I was a bandit. A peace loving bandit, but a bandit nonetheless.


5) In order to change my ways after my years of criminal activity, I became a superhero. I am still occasionally called upon to save people and fight the forces of evil using the red knee highs of justice. This obligation of mine leads to much less free time than I would like, even now.



6) I have been surgically enhanced, but it's so subtle I thought no one would notice. Men like girls with curves right?



7) Ok my teeth are not perfect little Chiclets, but at least they're straight. To my credit- you'd never think I was British.



8) I might have an unnatural love of cake and chocolate. And yes I did wear the occasional bow. That looks like my head is being attacked my a vampire bat. I realize now that was a fashion mistake.


9) I lost my possibility of a modeling contract with Teen Magazine over that love of cake and chocolate. And insisting on wearing jelly bracelets at the shoot. Come on, a girl needs accessories!I had the waif look down far before Kate Moss ever did.

10) In desperation at the loss of my dream career as a teen model, I became a little.......well...needy and .....OK I'll say it...desperate. Even if I advertised myself a Russian Mail Order Bride, I never went through with it OK? I have some pride.

11) Laurels activities are not my fault. Their creepiness and forced participation is evident in my eyes I think. And if men see me in this hot wedding dress and don't wish they were the lucky groom......well....then...maybe I can blame my advisor for her plan completely backfiring. It is not at all off-putting that I have temple wedding pics with no wedding. Not at all.


12) I just love costumes and especially holidays. And home cooked food. Recent new stories have probably helped to promote men's deep desires for a wife with poofy hair and a bonnet and gingham dress. I am ready to be your pioneer wifey-poo!



13) Maybe I have gone overboard with my hairstyles a bit. Men can be intimidated by a high maintenance beauty routine. As you can see from my cousin's face, a lengthy regimen can make you start your day off a bit grumpy.


14) I might have the bird flu. I'm just sayin.

15) I started off in life with some hard core habits. Books and the beer are hard ones to kick my friend. A man would only come second or third really in my priorities.



16) Still drinkin the hard stuff years later. Men don't like it when you take the last one. Ahh root beer memories....if only I remembered them.


17) My moustache is more luxurious and full than many people would expect. I have tried waxing and bleaches, but I think I am just destined to be a just little bit Magnum PI. It's OK. I have detective skillz too. The mustache and crime solving genes are linked. My grief over the mustache gets even out with my joy over a good mystery solved.



18) I try to be a good cook. It's just so hard! Maybe it's a natural gift for some women, but as many times as I try to bake for men, things just turn out yucky. It did not look like that when Giada made it. Where did I go wrong?




19) I am a Gryffindor. There appears to be a really high mortality rate with Gryffindor men, so the male/female ratio is now wayyy off since the war with Voldemort ended. I suppose I could date people from other houses, but seriously. Seriously. Can you imagine me and a Hufflepuff? It's just not right. I'd rather kiss a dementor.

20) I have a huge time commitment and travel schedule with my band. Maybe when we stop touring I'll have more time. That's what I always tell myself.

In conclusion, my singleness is a seriously disturbing and captivating mystery. It's right up there with Area 51 and the disappearance of the Maya or Amelia Earhart. Men have no clue what they are missing.

Or maybe they are afraid of trying to get wit all this babe-lisciousness and being rejected. It is a real and valid fear. As a former Model/Superhero/Rocker I do tend to leave hearts strewn along the road in my wake. Heartbreaker has always been one of my favorite songs. Maybe one day I will stop using men like kleenex and just find that one special one. My lobster. My other half. Until then I shall wait patiently. I mean I have all the time in the world. I may have tons of student debt and my eggs may be rotting and turning to dust inside me (thanks Arthur) but at least I still have my looks.

Happy B-Day to MEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

13 comments:

Rhia Jean said...

Oh Erica! I love you! You are totally killin' me. I absolutely love the note to the tooth fairy. I almost spit my jamba juice all over the computer screen. And after that pic of you in a wedding dress, I mean, how will all the men resist you? We'll never see you again with all of the dates you'll be going on and all the marriage proposals you'll be getting. :) Happy Birfday my friend!

Erika said...

That was fabulous! I'm honored that such a celebrity would not deign to associate with us poor mortals. I think #10 is my favorite--please tell me there were fans blowing to gently waft your hair!

Happy Birthday!

Erin said...

ROOMIE!!!! You are THE funniest! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! I miss you and wish men weren't so dumb. (sorry guys but it's a well documented fact) Also as side note I found our list of the worst dates ever while I was unpacking. I showed them to Russ and he was APPALLED. He says men are dumb too. The only unmarried man I know cool enough to date you and keep up with your wit and intelligence (maybe) lives in Utah. He's one of Molly's old friends which should be recommendation enough really. Anyway, I'm rambling so I'll stop. I love you and hope your birthday is wonderful!!

Alison said...

"Toxic pink radiation" and "My moustache is more luxurious and full than many people would expect." hehe. I LOOOOOVED this one. And I also love looking at old pictures. Yours are sweet!

Happy Birthday, old lady! ;)

Erica said...

Sorry to burst your bubble Erika, there are no fans in Russia. Only oppression, squalor, and vodka. At least back then. I believe the cold war was still on when that pic was taken.

The Oakleys said...

You're fantabulous...and a riot! You crack me up!!! Happy B-day!

Tamara said...

oh Erica! Hap hap happy birthday! I am just wondering when and where we'll all party like it's 1999 to approximate an appropriate level of frivolity to celebrate your big day?

"Men don't like it when you drink the last one..." Where do you come up with these?

Molly said...

I love you to pieces and think you may have success as a Russian MAB. In the words of our well-educated youth, "hit that."

amazinamazon said...

Happy Bday Erica! Only a chick hot from the outside in can truly rock a stach.

Lori said...

Erica! Oh girl ~ I am cracking up! Seriously, you are too funny. Love the old pictures. I remember taking a few of the same in those days. Good times! I hope you had a very Happy Birthday . . . and welcome to the 30's club! Hope to see you when I get back to Dallas!

The Moffitt's said...

Hey, we're finally both in the 30's club! I remember when I came to D-11 and 18...all the 30's were cool. Yeah. Glad Molls pointed me to your blog. I look forward to reading your life...you are so smart and creative! If you want to read mine, send me your email at wormfrog@hotmail.com and I'll send you an invite. -Heather

Bethany & Huey said...

Hahahahaha! Loved the pics and the comments to go along with them. I miss ya!

Kristen said...

umm. yeah. Thanks for including me in your embarassing "Montage". At least you didn't post The Pictures... you know what I'm talkin' bout... the ones that are probably burned or hidden at the very least. I think we got some kind of wax/mortuary poisoning from those babies. My racial classification is now also in question.
Maybe we'll save those for after we're married because the shame would be too much for any man to handle.