Why Millionares Need Matchmakers

Tuesday, March 4, 2008 |

Have you seen the Millionaire Matchmaker?

For those who don't know it's a Bravo show where a lady tries to act like she's not running a bimbo hookup service for pedophiles and alien pods with money in the LA area.

They keep rerunning an episode with the "ethnic" millionaire and the short millionaire. I don't even watch live TV and I must have walked past my sister watching it or flipping past it like 8 times this week. Wanna know why like every single man on her show is single?

They have tons of money but all the females they know already realize how creepy they are or they hang with a crowd where the women are not good looking enough for them to date if you take into account how much money they have.

This is LA people.....Anyone with money obviously DESERVES to have his pick of plastic-enhanced starlets half his age(even if he looks like Mr. Burns ) who will pretend they are monetary and intellectual equals for Bravo's sake. No one calls Patty a Madam when she says a 50 year old with hair plugs and a twitch is "meant to be" with the 20 year old cheerleading team builder.

It absolutely kills me that she talks to the men and tells them she has all of these super-intellectual women that are their equals and perfect matches...and listens to the men's protests that the only reason they haven't married is their whole life has been focused on money and not women...She never asks why they came to her instead of just asking women out???!!! No...... cause then the whole illusion that they are normal would be ruined and she's have to admit these are creeps looking for a Barbie who takes cash.

So then she hosts these parties where they meet a ton of women or they look at them through a freaking police mirror while Patty interrogates the girls

.......then the Kittens all tell the camera ...
"My name is Kimmie and I'm 22 and I just moved to LA from Arizona to be an actress and I think I am compatible with the millionaire because I know how to dress and stuff and all women should be treated like princesses. And I would love to travel to foreign countries like Canadia"

And Patty says.....See Monty.....out of all the girls I think Kimmie would be best for you because you both love trees and her hair is yellow and your teeth are yellow. It's like fate!

My absolute favorite guy so far has to be from tonight's new episode which my sister made me come and see because of how spectacularly wierd this dude was. he looked soo normal at first and he seemed smart but really kind of .......dead inside or something. A definite pod in the pod vs. pedophile debate. At first seemingly normal with the personality of a rock.

Then they go and groom him and suddenly he looks like two fuzzy black caterpillars died on his face in the eyebrow area. How can his brows look so girly and plucked and yet be so HUGE!! The humanity. Let him be a hairy man please!! This just increases the creepy factor.

Then he goes on his date and proposes to the girl on the first date. AND SHE ACCEPTS. And she was much less bimbo-ey than the usual. Getting her Masters in Journalism. I wanted to die on her behalf. It was eeeecking us out to watch. You can seriously see in her face she is like
"WHAAAATTTTT.....Think quick.....Ok I'm 27 and I want to be supported in the style I'm accustomed in Beverly Hills....he is good looking-ish if I can fix the whole eyebrow issue.....And he's psychotically rich........I can't turn him down until he comes out and says he likes little boys. It's just not financially sound. " Ok I say yes as long as we get to know each other better first.

The horror.

Anyways. I was defenseless on the couch and could not escape due to my headachey-ness. I do not endorse this show in any way. It was a train wreck /can't look away kind of captivating.

Meanwhile......I was all....Tuesdays are stupid. I want to watch something FIERCE, Why can't Wednesday be here already so I can watch Project Runway. Oh....I'm going to the temple tomorrow night. YIKES. I'll need to record Christian's greatness. I wish my hair was avant garde. But in a straight girl way.

So ummmm.....the lesson friends is be glad life is good. Things could always be worse ...you are neither a golddigger starlet sleeping your way to the top nor a personality black hole with money.


Alison said...

None of us are ever going to get married. Know why? Because apparently you have to be nuts to get married, or date for that matter. And I don't mean "nuts" like, "you so crazy" endearing nuts, no I mean certifiably nuts.

These people have not had successful relationships because they are weird, yes, but they'll end up with someone because they're all psycho. Any guy that thinks that the perfect chick will just fall in his lap after "focusing on his career" is crazy. And any girl that says she should be treated like a "princess" by her man is in La Land de Denial.

But they'll get married all the same, reproduce, and then bring their screwed up kid to me to educate. Wow, I sure sound pretty harsh . . . but it's the truth. sigh.

Rhia Jean said...

I am officially frightened.

Got Bombshell? said...

Awesome post! I have watched .5 episodes of that show and it totally grossed me out. The caliber of people: bimbo, millionaire, and matchmaker alike, is slipping out there. And don't even get me started about my theory that the matchmaker lady is a man in drag.