That's Mrs. Bartowski to you

Thursday, February 7, 2008 |

Why oh why must hollywood and the entertainment industry promote the idea of the amazing handsome and socially adept(yet slightly shy and insecure) nerd?

I was tortured by the absence of my only nerd harbor in the the writers strike storm this week. No Chuck. I was Bartowski-less. TRAGEDY!!!! Have I mentioned how much I hate reality TV? Why on EARTH would I want to watch two crazy women trade houses and then argue about who is more sane? What do I care if anyone can beat a new american gladiator? How many times is it amusing to see American Idol build up an obviously abnormal person's hopes only to humiliate them in front of the world? I want to see a tall lanky hot man who we call a "nerd" (so that women such as myself will falsely hold out hope that someday we will meet and marry such a man) fight villians and make LOTR references while reprogramming people's broken electronic devices and trying to make Sarah admit she loves him back. GEEZ!!! I also want to ogle the amazing male beauty that is Captain Awesome. He truly is awesome. Such perfection of form and features. But I digress. My true love is the one with the brown tousled locks and the Nerd Herd nametag.

I was driving around yesterday and realizing that I had no TV episodes of my fave shows to watch due to the writers strike. Not even Chuck this week. So cruel. And suddenly it dawned on me. What devious imp of Satan whispered in Hollywood casting's ear that the best ideas for shows for the past few years would be to cast truly attractive men as nerds? As misunderstood and completely available hotties. It is SOOOO WRONG!!!! Talk about unrealistic expectations of men. I mean it was bad enough with just Jim Halpert to rock my nerd world the past few years, but now to have Chuck and Jim???? And NEITHER ONE ON THIS WEEK???!!! It's only in their absence that I realized I was deceived. (willingly......droolingly)

Now I walk into Best Buy and look around for the former stanford engineeer who is amazingly hot and single and looking for a normal girl. Riiiiiiight. And I expect guys who slave away in an office all day to be sweet and sensitive and super charming with devious senses of humor and an attraction to sweatersets and comfortable flats. Baby I got what you want right here!!! Bend and SNAP! Why you runnin away from meeeee!!!!

All I have to say is some female has turned traitor on her sacred sisterhood and revealed secrets that are going to topple us all. No man could be intuitive or observant enough to figure out the girl code and how to crack even the hardest woman's heart. WE HAVE BEEN COMPROMISED!!! This is Threat Level Midnight people. I would say we need to boycott the shows but that would alert the men that we know that they know. And I would be forced to not watch Chuck and Jim and that's pretty much not gonna happen.

But here's the "New Plan". I'm thinking we need some hard core Bourne-type espionage to catch the mole. We need to release some misinformation and watch it travel until we see it leaked. The question is what is a plausible lie? What can we say we want that we will still enjoy seeing on TV even though it is a complete crock. Women want a man who......bakes pies? Yeah- who cares about pie baking skillz?? CRAP!! Pushing Daisies....I totally forgot about Ned. He makes pie baking look good. DANG IT. They have totally got us where they want us. Maybe we can't escape.

Women want men who ...........use floaties to swim. I can't see myself falling for that. And it would be funny to watch. Or women can't resist a man who ....has a canadian accent. Great for laughs!! And just hearing him say "tomorrow" or "about" will kill all attraction AND make me wet myself just a little.

Ok let's move forward with this plan ladies. Seriously- we need to act decisively now before I try to seduce a fake psychic con artist/crimesolver or his pharmaceutical sales rep BFF. (PS- I love you Sean and Gus.....sigh)

We are all in danger!!! Trust no one. (dang it........maybe this plan has been going on for mulder)

In all reality the men are doing is shooting themselves in the foot cause now I heart men that dont exist in reality. So like 80 yrs from now when the planet is devoid of inhabitants due to all the women not procreating, and I am the last human alive, chillin with my dogs and watching Psych reruns, the men will regret that they tried to pull one over on the women.

They can't mess with our heads all they want but they will never be able to make babies on their own. The end. Game Set Match. How do ya like them apples? SUCKA!!!


Alison said...

"WE HAVE BEEN COMPROMISED!!! This is Threat Level Midnight people."

Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! Oh, Erica. You are so entertaining. And, yes, there is a mole. ;)