Men are so money and they don't even know it

Monday, February 4, 2008 |

OK- I am sooo sick of buying products aimed at women.
Men have NO CLUE how much money they save every month just by not having to be so darn clean and good smelling and made-up.

If I was a man this would be my monthly beauty list:
Shaving gel
Shampoo(like once every 6 months...right? my dad doesn't even use it!! then again he's bald)
Maybe a face cleanser if you are super girly or skin conscious
Lotion(Once every 3 to 5 years or just whatever some female relative bought and left at my place out of desperation 10 yrs ago)

Oooh and if I was a guy I would buy myself AXE so I would smell hot. But maybe I shouldn't include this for the average uninformed non babe-liscious guy.

And now as a WOMAN- here is my list in all it's glory. And I'm probably forgetting some.
Body Wash to smell clean and slightly tropical
Coordinating smell of lotion so my shaved legs aren't scaly
Face wash with scrubber beads
Face moisturizer(Quarterly)
Moisturizer with SPF 30 for days I go outside
Undereye intense moisture cream
More intense face wash for when I'm having breakouts
Face mask for when I'm breaking out(Probably a year supply)
Face mask for when I'm dry(yearly)
Shampoo for highlighted hair
Conditioner for highlighted hair
Intense weekly conditioner for color treated hair(This is like a quarterly purchase)
Face powder
Mascara(seriously this is a monthly purchase for me- I SWEAR I am cursed to buy bottles that go old early)
Intense foot and heel lotion for sandal weather
Lip gloss
oh yeah...

And this is me being CHEAP and not replacing the other makeup as often as I am supposed to. Not even NEAR as often.
Can you imagine having to keep up with all this? I swear I have to make a run to Walgreen's or ULTA at least twice a week.

And this is of course not counting in lipstick, nail polish(which I can't wear now DARN YOU NURSING SCHOOL), foundation, eyeshadow, eyeliner, blush, bronzer, eyebrow pencil, rubber bands, bobby pins, various broken appliances like curling irons, blow dryers, straightening irons(woo hoo finally I have an advantage!)

And what about the clothes necessary to be a cute girl. Not a crazy high maintenance super shopper. Your average bargain at Ross type girl. We can't be like a boy and repeat the same 4 shirts with the same 2 pants. And each of our outfits requires a matching pair of shoes.

And we need to keep ourselves in supportive and cute underclothing which is also FREAKING EXPENSIVE. And don't forget that our haircuts are like 10 times the price of yours. And that's assuming all we do is cut our hair. Let's not forget how many of us have color too!!
We also have other expenses that I won't go into that involve monthly needs for chocolate and a new supply of Aleve, Motrin etc. in addition to other ridiculously highly priced items.
And my favorite part is when guys say that they don't understand why we buy all this extra junk. They don't notice what we're wearing and we look best when we have no makeup or it's "more natural". Oh you'd notice alright if we stopped.

If I suddenly showed up every day with zits all over my face and mousy dishwater blonde hair and white-lashed eyes with fuzzy broken ends on my hair you'd certainly notice. What if my scent was Eau de "what's on sale" ....that subtle blend of Ocean Watermelon Citrus funk from clashing shampoo and conditioner and bodywash. Oh and I forgot to put on my Old lady vaseline smelling hand lotion. PERFECT!!! Now I am officially ready to go out into the world and leave men panting in my wake.

I would probably get married tomorrow if it weren't for my insane beauty habits.

Want a pic of what the world would look like if women took men's advice and stopped being so silly and vain??

That's right.



Alison said...

I LOOOOOOOOOVE the Hansen picture! Oh, it's just wonderful. Such a perfect illustration for the topic. You know, I try not to think of all the money involved in looking presentable, but you just reminded me and now I'm a little depressed. sigh. All that money I'd have if I were only a guy. Darn you, genetics! Ok, maybe not, but still...*humph*!

Molly said...

OMGOSH my brother had a pic of the Hanson bros on his fridge once. He said "That middle chick'll be hot one day." I didn't have the heart to tell him the truth...WAHAHAAHA.

If I were a man, I'd wash my face with soap and use body lotion as moisturizer. I'd use ghetto shampoo and let my eyebrows get scary, because it would be expected.

Kristen said...

Me thinks I still heart Hanson.......