Undercover Special Agents

Tuesday, January 29, 2008 |

Are you an unknowing member of the undiagnosed part of the world's mental health patients?

And if so......do you recognize it?

I met someone......actually like 3.....wait...4 someones today in the course of my rotations that were very......lets say special. People who were so melodramatic and up then down, and mean to you....then your best friend. Accusing you of trying to kill them one moment and then begging you not to leave. Making crap up.

I have, of course, met many people like this in my lifetime and was diagnosing them myself looooong before I did my psych rotations at the state mental hospital. Most of the special people I meet are luckily not quite special enough to merit a stay at the state's holding facility for the extra special. But lucky me.....I feel like I am a magnet for the special attentions of the special. Oh the stories I could to tell about how the special just love to love me. Another day perhaps.

So anyways...all of the loverly people I met today got me to thinking. I wonder just how many of the people you see walking around at Walmart and waiting in line next to you are just one moment away from a complete breakdown.

How much of the seemingly harmless chit chat you engage in with complete strangers is 100% false but they love to lie so much that they even lie about dumb things because they can. I bet you probably 6 out of 10 people who tell me "I'm at the store today to pick up laundry detergent(soap,cake mix, cat litter) before my son visits this weekend" are lying about having a washer, or a cat, or a son. And they get a super secret high out of me having bought into the lie.....secret special agent mission completed!!! It's true - a lady you don't know and who doesn't care didn't catch on that you're really buying cat litter for your imaginary lemur Buster. SUCCESS!!

And another thing.....holy crap why would you get into a relationship with one of these people!! Does this require you to be special also? One of the incognito special agents I met today was getting used and abused by a verrry special wife. Who signs up for that? Or is he given some kind of drug that I have not yet studied in pharmacology ........that makes him crave special like I crave chocolate? Is he a hostage that was waiting for me to see the pleading in his eyes and call 1-800-THE-LOST and get his picture off that milk carton once and for all?

This also begs the question.....if people really were just hostages to bad love and could be rescued....why doesn't the national center for missing persons set up its headquarters at Six Flags where we know ALL the special couple are drawn like moths to a candle flame?

And here's the scariest question of all......maybe NO ONE KNOWS THEY'RE SPECIAL!!!!! AHHH! Maybe it's me and you and we are having blackouts during all the times we wandered into the mall and tried to start fights with clerks by making returns without receipts. And then turned to our secret special significant other(who we never knew even cared when we're conscious) and walked to the food court where we let them eat 3 slices of Sbarro pizza and get sauce all over their face without telling them .....and we cry and snot as they loudly and publicly tell us we're not good enough for them to have a baby with until we get a boob job and move to Tyler and pay off the kitchen remodel. And we apologize for being such a disappointment and say we'll try to do better. And when lunch is over we wander out of the mall separetely and .......the sun gets in our eyes and ....Huh? what? ....we come to ourselves and say..."Wow did my whole lunch hour pass just walking around in the mall? What a boring day. I better go reapply my makeup with my last five minutes before I have to be back at work- it always seems like my eyemakeup just disappears by lunchtime." And thus we are a part of the .....Doo Doo doo doo......Unknowing special agents.

Yikes. I better end now before I have nightmares.

Or ruin Sbarro pizza for everyone. That would be a crime.


Alison said...

"Your imaginary lemur Buster"? Haha! I love that! I really hope we're not blacking out and acting nuts . . . scary. :S Although, your whole senario of what happens during the black out is hilarious--I saw it playing in my mind. I love you, Erica. :)