The Tale of E and the Friend Date

Monday, September 29, 2014 |

After a loooong break due to work and school, I give you readers a tale of woe, misery and dry heaving.....the Tale of E and the Friend Date.

E was not dating much (#dying alone) so when she was asked on a friend date, she was overjoyed. Not only was the date referred to as a "date"in the asking, it involved dinner and then concert tickets. Legit. He forked out yo.

E was a bit wary as it was approximately a billion degrees outside in the Texas summer heat, but she figured she could try to rock that dewy glow. Or whatever....every other female there would be dripping in sweat too so no one would have room to judge. She still bought a cute outfit and was ready at the door on time for a fun night out. As she and her date zipped away he leaned over her and reached to roll down her window. She was puzzled. "I don't need the window down, but thanks!" she said. And Mr. Date gave an ominous reply " The air conditioner on my car is broken, but it's fine. I'm used to the heat." E urgently shrieked "But we can take my car!!! Please!! We're only a few blocks away and it's HOT!!" Mr. Date smiled. "No. I want to drive my car. It's fine with the windows down." But it wasn't. Clearly he was very concerned for her comfort. (Editor's note: This tale is narrated by Vincent Price in case that wasn't clear)

They arrived to the dinner/concert location. She was already covered in sweat and feeling ill. They walked to a food festival a bit down the road with tons of local restaurants selling their best menu items. He had already paid their entry to the festival. Yummy! But alas.....he did not intend to fork out for purchasing any food. He thought it was all free with entry. She tried to look for free samples and cheaper items. E offered to pay for their food, but received a gruff "No I already PAID, we can find something!" in reply. Eventually he bought them each an item and they sat to eat. E needed a break. She was about to start dry heaving from heat exhaustion and it was only 90 minutes in to the date. She said "Mr. Date, I need to use the restroom, back in a minute!" and she headed to the public restrooms about 20 feet from where they were sitting. She gave her self a "You can do this, you won't die from one date" pep talk in the bathroom. No water fountains. Ugh. She washed her hands and blotted her face. So sweaty!!! Why did she even try!!Why buy a new outfit for a friggin friend? And she looked like a drowned rat at this point from the sweating!!

She took a deep breath and walked out. Mr. Date was not in their seats. Odd. She began to walk to their "spot" only to hear "HEY" from behind her. He had waited at the bathroom door. Her skin began to crawl. Maybe that would be gentlemanly to some but it felt like there was no escaping him even for a moment. The bathroom was literally feet from their table, In sight. Shudder. It was all becoming a bit weird now too. Maybe she was going crazy from the heat. Maybe it was the opposite of stockholm syndrome. Maybe her heat stroke was making her view an innocent man as her evil captor. Who knows? The heat does things to your mind.

They began to head over to the concert. E was wilting. The 100+ degree heat was melting her. And she has just eaten some food but with no drink. She mentioned to Mr. Date," I am dying for a cold drink. It's super hot out!" He told her buying drinks was a waste of money. They continued walking to the concert when he stopped her and said" I hope you don't mind sitting on grass." She was puzzled. " You told me we had lawn seats so I am fine with it." "NO" he said. "I mean actually sitting on the grass. I left the blanket in the car and I don't want to go get it." E's smile froze. That lawn was famous for being inundated with puke and beer on a nightly basis. "Mr. Date, I don't really want to sit on that grass if the blanket is here. I can wait for you to go get it."  "Well then, WE can go get it." And so E psyched herself up for 30 more minutes of walking in the Saharan heat. When they reached the car he opened the trunk only to exclaim in delight " Look! I found some water bottles I forgot I had! It may be hot but now I don't have to buy us anything!" E looked on in horror. "But but....that water is HOT!" "It's fine and it's free" he said. They walked back. By now her feet were beginning to blister from the heat of all the walking on pavement, burning and melting through her sandals. Owwwie!!

They entered the concert and he quickly guided her past all of the vendors hawking cold drinks and food. Heaven forbid she get a cold drink that night! They sat. She began to pray the sun would go down so she could cool off. Mr. Date chugged his hot water, She opened hers to give it a try. NOPE. Gag reflex blocked the attempt. It was not gonna happen or it would come back out.

The concert started. The opening act was great. Mr. Date took off his shoes. She kicked off her sandals. He moved his legs in to sit with them crossed and started to "Oh NO...What the.....No No No....Don't gag! Don't gag" PICK THE DEAD SKIN CHUNKS OFF THE BOTTOM OF HIS FEET. She looked away. She swallowed deeply a few times to try to get control. She thought about running away. Nope he'd follow her if she tried a bathroom excuse. Could she just run and call someone? Maybe she could talk to him like a personal date coach and say "Mr. Date, that is a level of unacceptable that I never thought I would encounter. When you take a woman out you need to not groom your feet. OK? " Nope. She couldn't even. She didn't know how to say "Gross Dude" and remain friends. So she sucked it up. She tried to focus on the concert, but he started to try to reach for her hand. She shuffled farther away on the blanket. He lay down in a different position and casually reached again. She was basically off the blanket at this point. This poor guy did not have a clue.

The sun set and a night full of stars came into view. The temperature came down mercifully. Other couples on dates began to enter after the first act and the women all looked fresh and lovely and had beautiful wavy locks that were in stark contrast to E's wet rat look. She tried to fluff her mangled sweaty hair, but finally gave up. She was sure she was a super stunner. Perfect.

As the temp continued to decrease E was feeling more herself again. They stood for the main act of the concert with the rest of the crowd. Suddenly two men began running through the crowd behind E and Mr. Date. A thief maybe? .......and a security guard. The thief was running at top speed downhill and bumped into them from behind. The thief turned and ran off at a different angle down the hill. Mr. Date and E started to turn to see what had hit them when the security guard still running in their direction lost his balance. To keep upright and to change direction to the thief's new path, the guard sucker punched E right in the bicep. She looked at him in shock as he ran off without even a word. Other people in the crowd looked at her with big eyes and open mouths. " I just got punched!" E said. "I can't believe he sucker punched me!" "I know!" Mr. Date said, "I got bumped around!" E's shocked face changed into her what the heck is wrong with you face. "But.....I got punched." "I know" he repeated. "Those guys just smashed into all of us in the crowd." E was now pretty much disgusted. She was about to run after them on her own behalf to demand an apology. (Editor's note: This is the point where E's dad says she should have asked for a cold drink.....for her arm)

She stood there stunned for the rest of the concert cradling her arm. They drove home. He wanted to use her bathroom. Of course. She let him use Slim K's. He would not freaking leave. He tried to make a move on her again and her puppy SpazMila attacked in her puppy way. She growled and tried to jump into mommy's arms for a hug. When a 65 pound fluff jumps at her mom to protect her, it pretty much seems like as assassination attempt regardless. And finally Mr. Date left. And E sighed with relief. And vowed never ever ever to go on a friend date again. Like ever.