The Tale of Overconfident E

Our poor friend E.

After a productive year of weight loss, E had recently began chunking out due to some health problems. Bummer. After a month or two of contemplating the best way to get in better shape, E went for a fun night out with Slim K at a local roller rink. Despite skates that were like homeless men's shoes affixed with dental wire to broken grocery cart wheels that veer to one side, E and K burnt up that rink with their smooth moves.

E thought to herself at the end of the night. My! I sure do like skating alot. And it's way more fun than running or using the elliptical. I wonder how awesome I could be at skating if I actually had real roller skates and practiced?

Visions of herself in derby gear floated through her head. Like Ellen Page in Whip It, she would race through the streets of her neighborhood, gaining confidence and skill. She would then be so awesome she would be spotted at a local rink and invited to join Lone Star Assassins or the Dead Kennedys where she would kick A and take names elbowing lesser skaters aside, bodies flying into beer can towers and fans in lawn chairs. Ahh. It would ROCK!!!

E carefully perused ebay for skates she could afford and eagerly awaited them in the mail. They arrived on a work day and on the first day she had off work, she had evening plans. DARN!!! But....E really wanted to try out the awesome skates. She guessed it would have to wait.

If only E had kept to this resolve.

On arriving home at 11pm.....E loving greeted her giant chihuahua shepherd, RoxMonster. She walked further into her house and saw her lovely new skates gleaming on the floor. What a thing of beauty!! Those skates NEEDED to be used. She sat on her couch and RoxMonster looked at her with pleading soft brown puppy eyes. Mommy- pweeese walk me!!!

In that instant an ingenious plan developed in E's twisted brain. It was too brilliant! E should take an inaugural skate while walking RoxMonster through her badly lit neighborhood!!!

She strapped the black and red demon skates to her unknowing feet and grabbed a leash. RoxMonster approached her and sniffed at the weird creatures attacking mommy's feet. Alien invaders!!!! E convinced the monster it was OK to proceed with the aliens and they went out the front door. E wobbled as she tried to hold RoxMonster back from the initial lunge out the door. E stepped down out of the house and turned to put the key in the lock. Finally, she turned and faced her future. She was gonna burn this neighborhood UP.

Crap. The sidewalk away from the house was all downhill and covered with mini-twigs and dirt. No problem. E just needed to get rolling. Get her groove on. RoxMonster hesitated by her side. E realized she needed to have room for her skates to push off so she shooed the monster into a trot and took off. Literally.

As E contemplated the night sky from her position on her back under a tree she saw some brilliant stars gleaming despite the city lights. Her legs felt bent in all crazy directions. She thought she felt a root sticking into her shoulder. RoxMonster quickly took advantage of the situation to climb slowly atop the heap of limbs. Her nose majestically pointed in the air, she howled her victory over the woman-hill, channeling her inner wolf-child, and letting the neighborhood dogs know she was on top. After a few moments of victory, the monster was apparently disturbed by the moaning and silent weeping interrupting her wolf-glory. RoxMonster began to bat her mommy in the face with her nose and slurped inquisitively at her cheek. Was she alive? It was hard to tell.

E used her hands to bring each skewed leg back into alignment and slowly arose. She wobbled her way back into the house, walking on the skate brakes. RoxMonster trailed behind on her leash, looking back longingly at the neighborhood, denied her victory tour.

E sat slowly on the couch, realized her tailbone was smooshed, she had scrapes everywhere, and her ankles and knees of steel had, for the the first time in her life, been minorly twisted or sprained. What the H? How could her brilliant plan have gone wrong?

It was a mystery. One that she would have ample time to solve while stuck on her couch with her tailbone making its previously faith-based existence insistently known.

Once again,Poor E.

The Adventures of Sleepy E in the PC World

Poor Sleepy E. She had been working a looong shift and needed to go to help with an education class at work again the next afternoon at lunchtime. Which would allow Poor Sleepy E only 3 hours sleep max before heading out into the world to work again. The Agony!!! But alas Sleepy E's mad computer skillz had made her sign up to be an expert in new technology at her job.

As Sleepy E drove up to the Tower of Edumacation, she felt lightheaded and extremely nauseous beyond the normal. To the point that she considered getting back in her car and driving back home to have a therapeutic barf. But no. She pressed onward and arrived in the PC classroom with so many computers and new techie devices. The head teacher was so excited to see Sleepy E's arrival to help out with the class that she, a stranger, gave Sleepy E a bear hug, startling her further awake. We-eird.

Sleepy E helped to pass out all the new techie devices and handouts and saw a few friends from work that attended the class. They were all eagerly anticipating the start of class. And as it began, they learned that this was maybe not a class they should have anticipated, but dreaded. Due to the new technology you ask?? Oh no. Due to the fact that a man that was functionally illiterate/blind was in the class and could not do even one thing to follow instructions as apparently he could only see the device as a blob in his hand. As for clicking on words and making selections.....did I mention the device was just a blobby?

As the class reviewed the one series of actions they had to perform with the device to leave the class, he lay his head down on the desk with his face approximately an inch from the instructions and attempted to see the words to no avail. Sleepy E talked him through each step and was horrified as she thought to herself "What on earth does this man do at work if he literally cannot see ANYTHING?? How does he read medications, know policies, or SHUDDER.....start IV's?!?!"

All of Sleepy E's coworkers needed to stay for a 2nd part of the class that this poor man did not need. But he had to finish his practice exercise and then take a test. Yup. An online test. And they wouldn't start the second half of class until he had finished and left the room. And so Sleepy E's coworkers started to grow beards and curly fingernails as they waited in vain for this man to finish. FOREVER. But then finally the miracle of miracles happened and he was done. Hooray!

By this point poor Sleepy E was feeling so sick and awful she considered dragging a trash can around with her in case she puked. This class needed to end. STAT. Haha...a little hospital humor....I digress...Anyways, the 2nd half was about to start. And so Sleepy E handed out more equipment and sat down to wait and see if anyone needed help. But one of those moments in life, so precious and so few, was about to occur to make every agonizing moment of Sleepy E's day worthwhile.

The people in the second section of the class needed to learn some new technology for creating......Breastmilk Labels. Yes, that's right world. Breastmilk is now a friggin drug and healthcare workers need to get up in the middle of the night(for them) to take classes on label making.

Now reader......sitting next to the blind man, was a spicy older Latina nurse, now alone at her computer station for this second half. Very vocal in not understanding new technologeez. Very prone to hitting bizarre places on her screen and then screeching for help. She was absolutely sure that instead of just hitting CANCEL when reaching the wrong screen she instead needed both Sleepy E and the teacher to both come look at her scanner personally and tell her YES HIT CANCEL. Every time. And stall the class further.

So as they started the 2nd half, Sleepy E was sure it would lead to more shouts of "Just Hit CANCEL!!! For the Love!!!" The teacher began the class. 1st action.

"Click on the picture of a baby bottle. 2nd action. Scan your baby's patient ID band. This will bring up a ID screen which you read and click OK to confirm ID info for your patient. Just to be helpful the screen is Pink for Baby Girls. Blue for Baby Boys. Also class there is a Yellow Screen you may see if a baby is born with undetermined anatomy. "

At which point Latina nurse stops struggling with clicking on her scanner and looks directly at the teacher with a serious look on her face. " That is for the Baybeez Gay. "

Teacher bites her lip and says "If you say so" and continues with the Scanner instructions as if nothing was said. A better woman that Sleepy E. Taking the higher ground of just letting it go.

Meanwhile Sleepy E and a coworker turn to each other and mouth " Baybeez Gay?" And then try to hide their tears and shaking. Then Sleepy E tries to imagine how a labor and delivery would go where the baby is declared with a bad accent "Dees es un how do you say...Baybee Gay" immediately on exit of womb.

Does the baby come out with a He-ey! instead of a squeal? Does the baby's skin rash up on hospital blankies and demand Egyptian cotton with a higher thread count? Does assumed straight girl baby throw up on only the pink blankies and thus come out? Oh the possibilities are as endless as they are offensive.

And in that bright shining moment of unexpectedly offensive commentary, Sleepy E knew coming to class that day WAS worth it!!!

A Saturday Mitzvah

Here my friends, for your viewing enjoyment, is the funniest series of emails about a lost cat ever known to existence.

If you are in a place where you cannot be loud or cry real tears. Wait to read this.

http://www.27bslash6.com/missy.html

And for my fellow Alaska vacationers here are tips about Wilderness Survival. But not really.

http://www.27bslash6.com/lost.html

For those of you looking for the perfect man....especially after speed dating last week....here is a man who is a "good drawer" and writes a series of novels about a time traveling sex predator.

http://www.27bslash6.com/willdrawforfood.html

I scanned a few of the other blog articles and they are not for the faint of heart let's say. I just thought you all might enjoy some weekend funnies.

Another in the series of ways I torture myself on the weekends

So ........I went to a speed dating activity tonight. I know what you are thinking to yourself now. Erica- why do you need to speed date when you are so fabulous? Erica-how did you fight off all the men who didn't want to leave your scintillating conversation? Erica- how do you decide who to date and who to let down after such a horde of men are introduced to you???

Friends- I write this blog to answer all your burning questions.

1. Erica why do you need to speed date when you are so fabulous?

My fabulous lifestyle lately has left me with no time to meet any fabulous men. I also watch millionaire matchmaker and wondered if I could stand up to the competition of a roomful of women. I believe Patty would be proud me. I looked good and only talked about fun things and avoided awkward questions or depressing topics when able.

Why these same men can't just talk to people at dances when they are obviously not dancing either is a mystery to me but if speed dating is what it takes, so be it.


2. Erica how do you fight off all the men who don't want to leave your scintillating conversation?

First we are assuming it's not just me talking. I could talk forever as we all know. I was however limited to four minutes. Fortunately there were many amazing conversationalists besides myself and you are about to reap the benefits of conversational tidbits heard around the room.

After a warning NOT to ask stupid questions like "what animal would you be?" in the dating intro......

What inner animal are you? I am half hawk and half zebra. (Which half is which? is my question)

Do you believe in love at first sight?(Not now)

Did you know I drove all the way from Waco to do this?(my dad's comment- so you had to get away from where the locals knew your MO?)

A lady asks...So what do you do? I'm a carpenter.....like my older brother(said with gravity and reverence)

Do you like children?(no I'm a pediatric nurse because I hate kids)

You're a pediatric icu nurse? How do you feel when babies die? (Like I should have taken my lunch before their vitals started crashing....it makes me sad too duh!!!) I heard that one multiple times if you can believe it.

And then this gem.....

So what do you do? I'm a pediatric cardiac nurse. Oh.....my heart is in the medical field and I got into nursing school but I never went. Really, why? Well no offense, but my mom told me I was smart enough to be a doctor. Oh...so you're a doctor? No I'm a software engineer. I had my first son and decided to drop out. (CRICKETS).......So you DO know that there are reasons to be a nurse and not a doctor that have nothing to do with brains. I don't understand why you wouldn't want to be a doctor if you were smart enough. I wanted to care for people instead of diagnosing people and walking away. I only changed my mind because the schooling took too long. I'd still like to tell people what's wrong with them. (stifling sarcastic comment/laughter) Well I just want to take care of sick people so that's why I'm a nurse. AND SCENE



3. Erica how do you decide who to date and who to let down after such a horde of men are introduced to you?


It's actually pretty easy. First we eliminate like the first 10 men I talked to because they were over 50 and were supposed to be in a different dating circle but when no women showed in the bad weather they told them to join the young circle. WHAAATTTT??!!! And they did. In a long line starting with me and my friends and wasting an hour of hour time talking to men with grandchildren. AND yet they still would visibly cross us off their dating list as certain points in the conversation. I was all GRAMPS I WAS NEVER AN OPTION!!! But I digress. Then we finally get to the men in their 40's divorced with grown children. After talking to gramps these seemed more like an option. But they were figuring out their careers still or wanted us women to have exotic and interesting hobbies and then made faces at them like our hobbies were not up to par......and when asked their hobbies said spending time with my kids. Really? Your only interest? We'll have that in common then.

Oh, one told me he was disappointed I was so young and didn't play sports regularly. Ewwwwwwww.

Then we move on to the men my own age.....oh no wait. .....we don't. They never made it around the circle to us. SO we still don"t know any men our own age or even close. FAB. What a productive way to spend my time.

So if we count all the men who I talked to charmingly and asked for my number at the end we come to a grand total of ZERO. And my other friends ZERO. The Zebra/Hawk asked to Facebook us all which totally does not count.

And I forgot my favorite Hot Pink Super Huge Bowl at the activity in my haste to get the %$$% out of Dodge by that point. Poo. I loved that bowl.

Brave New World

As of Friday I am officially on a "for reals" big girl diet. The first real diet in my life. I don't count the sabotage diet used while living with my grandma to avoid being stuffed like a turkey.

I am scared. I am much more well adjusted today than the two previous days. I thought at many points I was gonna die. I wasn't hungry so much as lightheaded and headachey. I am sure my body was withdrawing from chocolate or pasta. Today I am much better. I also went to a potluck where I kind of had no choice but to cheat a little just cause I had nothing to eat. I didn't have dessert though so that was something. I don't think anyone even brought an item that didn't have cream of mushroom soup in it in some way. Except the desserts.

Some of you may be asking yourself.....dude.....why can't you just start eating better- dieting is unrealistic. My counterpoint- I tried eating better consciously and I lost like 2 pounds in a month. And probably gained it all back again with one pasta breakdown. I want to lose a significant amount of weight and 1 or 2 pounds a month just ain't gonna do it.

Plus I figured that if I join a center and have some accountability I will be more likely to succeed. I also like the idea of having some easy food ready to go instead of doing all the grocery shopping. And I am treating this like something I better get my money out of and that I will treat like a prescription for health. I follow medical instructions for pills and stuff. Why can't I treat this like a prescription? I spend time and effort on so many dumb things. I have decided to use my time and money to get my body more fit and healthy. I feel like I am always getting sick. I want to see if losing weight has any effect on that too.

Part of the plan is to stay with a counselor for a full year learning how to maintain your weight when you incorporate all the normal foods back into your diet after you've lost the weight. I guess there will still be someone there to make sure I don't go hog wild. I don't think I will. I maintained my weight just fine before. Until Nursing. And endless drive through and cafeteria food.

So anyways. This is my official announcement. Me on a diet. Weird. Be mean to me if I even consider cheating. You have my permission.

Inside the KS Acting Studio - Paypal Accepted

Welcome dear friends and sit yourself down in a nice comfy folding metal chair. Today is the first and only class in the course you recently signed up for through our studios ....."Pouting your way through film : a study of the acting style of Kristen Stewart

Normally, I'd say grab a drink and snack but in all reality- "not eating" is key and this won't take very long.

Throughout the early 2000's primarily the world began to see the styling of an acting genius named Kristen Stewart. From her uncredited role as "ring toss girl" in The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas, to her roles in Catch That Kid, Zathura, or What Just Happened? she took Hollywood by storm with the subtlety and mystery in her acting. "Was she just acting?" some experts would question as they watched her films. Ohhhh was she.

As a privileged child with a screenwriter mother and a producer father you would think she had been exposed to training.

As these quotes demonstrate, she has put much of herself into her characters.

On the subject of working in smaller indie movies she had this thought "It's your movie and you can do anything you want, and nobody's going to have anything to say." Indeed, you do leave them speechless with your talent my dear.

"Acting is such a personal thing, which is weird because at the same time it's not." With this quote K shows how her acting both demonstrates that SHE is NOT the character but at the same time.....who IS the character?? Who IS anyone really. She then said "You should have the opportunity to be more than one person with different people - because you have that within you" Inner potential for multiple personalities......or for acting all the time with everyone- hard to tell which prospect I find more pleasant.

"I don't want to make movies for kids, and I don't want to make movies for adults either." The wise critic asks herself- are Kristen's movies really FOR anyone?

She has been pursued by paparazzi and asked many questions but in her view"Really, I'm incredibly disjointed and not candid. Just in general, my thoughts tend to come out in little spurts that don't necessarily connect." I just knew some of her lines were meant to be in a stream of consciousness.

And for those of you who thought the acting was joy enough.....she has plans to conquer the world with her writing. "I mean, I definitely will always do what I've been doing. I've also started taking a lot of pictures, and they help the writing. The pictures help the writing. I mean, I want to make books. I want to take pictures and then write all over the pictures. And then I don't have to say a complete story, because I have the picture, and I have just a word." Apparently these will be children's books or coffee table graffiti books? Maybe a new genre entirely.

Ahh the gems of knowledge we have learned from our esteemed K. Stewart. But you all came her not just to learn the theory but the practice of Kristen.

Let us begin.

1. Moisturize the lips. Carmex, vaseline, lip smackers...it matters not which one. But they need to be in pouting shape. No peelies or crackies!

2. Those pearly whites must be in evidence. I mean HUGE. If you cannot see the front teeth at all times, from any camera angle how will you emote??? No one wants to see tears or forehead crinkles....what the eye is drawn to in any emotional scene is the slight glare off the front teeth and how you use your lips to display them.

3. Now you must choose how to emphasize the lip/tooth connection. You may bite the lip at center to be coy or torn apart, bite to one side to show confusion or shyness. You may pull the full lower lip up to partially cover the teeth while mouth still slightly gapes open to annoyance.

4. If there is to be a kissing scene you shall lick your lips at the approach and then bite them. Even if this is an unwanted kiss, you will still show how pouty and inviting and moist your lips are.

5. These rules also apply to child actors. It is never too early to start the lip biting.

6. NEVER smile. You lose all credibility as an actor. No character in any movie is truly happy anyways. If you smile it looks like you're too connected to the part and not busy being half personal and half distant.

7. Having sloppy hair cut to fall over your eyes is essential. You can bite your lip all you want but if it is not followed by a toss of the locks, what have you really expressed?

8. Don't open you eyes too wide. Having a deadened stare or even better....a vacant one shows depth and history.

9. The tone of your voice should be deep and low. If the amount of emotion you need to display calls for loud shouting and or screaming which will fall into a womanly or girly tone....then only be as loud as you can in a low tone. No valley girl or breathless sighs. Of course if the director absolutely forces you to scream...say if you're having a bad dream that seems like an acid trip where your voice comes out of Nearly Headless Ed's head....then you can scream but you must follow it up with some manly grunts of reassurance that you're fine back in the low tones again. If a word is meant to be shouted, you can emote it in a lower tone successfully by repeating it many times over and over. Instead of NOOOOOO!!!! deeply intone No No No and shake your locks a few times for emphasis. Then say No No No again. More lock shaking. And repeat until someone says cut. The police have told me this is super effective and what most women do when they need to fight off attackers. A low no is the way to go. Catchy right?

10. I can't emphasize to you enough how tasty your lips are and how much you can't stop chewing on them.

I hope you have learned today class and opened your minds. Maybe you too can play Joan Jett or Bella Swan, or any one of various famous 13 yr old emo boys with the skills you have learned today. Your range is as unlimited as your talent.

Best Wishes.

The Staff of the KS Acting Studio

PS- Don't forget to take a poster of the star herself for inspiration.

The Tale of E the Gourmet

E was a good cook. This was a fact she knew like breathing in or breathing out. Not to be a conceited pain about it, but it is important to the telling of today's tale. E came from a family of good cooks who were constantly asked to bring labor intensive favorites to people's parties or to host dinner for holidays. E also learned very early on that she would make using the word "NO" an important part of her vocab so as not to get stuck making yummy treats on call for people all the time. She only wanted to cook for fun.

All this being said, E really loved to try new dishes. As a single girl she made desserts to take to events a lot, but didn't have much opportunity for entrees as she was normally cooking for herself(and no, I'm not crying..I'm just chopping onions to make a lasagna....for one)

E's dad's birthday was coming up(we shall call him Cheney). Cheney expressed no birthday present desires. NONE. She had already bought him every conceivable type of clothing this past year and even resorted to a theme for father's day of As-Seen-On-TV due to the options drying up. E suggested shopping at Kohl's. Cheney didn't need more clothes. No gun accessories. No garage gadgets or tools. E bought his some exotic soda and mustard but was stumped and needing something to up the ante and give something better than condiments and a six-pack.

For an extended length of time E had been telling Cheney to go and eat at Blue Mesa and try a delicious corn based dish. Cheney rarely ate out beyond the staples surrounding the family casa and had not yet ventured to try her suggestion. Suddenly E had a brilliant idea! What if there was a restaurant cheater website with Blue Mesa dishes??? She could bring Blue Mesa to Cheney and rock his palate with something yummy and new!

E quickly got onto the interweb and found that Blue Mesa itself had a website with recipes of favorites. E saw a personal fave- the Adobe Pie! YUMMM!! She found a few other websites with "stolen" Blue Mesa recipes and they all seemed to have quite different ingredients but that did not phase E, she would go for the difficult and authentic original.

After a trip to Central Market, and many stops to buy the "Standard" size of ramekin which apparently is NOT standard, E began her prep. She cooked chicken and mixed it with a green chile pesto and pico and prepared to use it to stuff her pies the next day.

Late Sunday afternoon E began her adventure with the main ingredient. Masa. A spanish corn flour made of corn kernels soaked in lime juice and then ground up.

The masa was mixed into a lovely dough with butter and baking soda salt and chicken stock. E used the masa to line the ramekins and then filled them and layered more masa on top. The ramekins looked pretty but E looked at the masa and thought to herself....I wonder how this becomes the lovely fluffy corn pie I remember from the restaurant. Little did she know.......

At the dramatic unveiling of the ramekins from their hot water bath, the hopes were high and the smell was delicious. The ramekins were flipped out onto plates and the lovely golden corn pies were ready to eat. E picked up her fork and dug in.

Cough Cough. BIG DRINK OF WATER. Wow!! Those corn pies were a little dry! And not in ANY way like the corn pie they served at the restaurant. E scooped a little sour cream onto her pie. Took another bite.

Chew Chew. Cough. Blech! It's like eating straight cornmeal! Somehow Blue Mesa had created a recipe that rivaled the feeling of shredded wheat stuck in your gullet. Score! And the corn powder-ey-ness was so overwhelming that it covered up the taste of the super yummy chicken and pesto. Grrrrrrr!

E's parents assured her it was delicious, but both left 90% of the corn on their plates. Riiiiight.

E looked at the recipe and she had done everything correctly. Blue Mesa had seriously sabotaged their own recipe to make sure no one could cook it the same. JERKS!!! On the recipe stealer websites crisco and cream and other delightfully bad for you ingredients were included in the corn masa dough. I wonder how it disappeared off of Blue Mesa's recipe?? Must be those magical internet recipe fairies that ruin the allrecipes and chefs.com recipes. OH WAIT. Those all turn out.

E vowed then and there that she would write about what dirty special event ruining rat-bastards the Blue Mesa website people are and warn all others that their recipes are CRAP.


E was just overjoyed that she had been able to talk up a recipe for a year and then serve Cheney a mouthful of dry cornflour. What a perfect birthday gift. Thank you Blue Mesa for making it possible.

The only good thing about the meal was that even the small amount of corn flour you couldn't avoid eating with the chicken filled you up for HOURS ON END. Maybe this recipe has diet potential for both an easy fast fill up and turning you off of food for life.

Delightful.