The Tale of Overconfident E

Our poor friend E.

After a productive year of weight loss, E had recently began chunking out due to some health problems. Bummer. After a month or two of contemplating the best way to get in better shape, E went for a fun night out with Slim K at a local roller rink. Despite skates that were like homeless men's shoes affixed with dental wire to broken grocery cart wheels that veer to one side, E and K burnt up that rink with their smooth moves.

E thought to herself at the end of the night. My! I sure do like skating alot. And it's way more fun than running or using the elliptical. I wonder how awesome I could be at skating if I actually had real roller skates and practiced?

Visions of herself in derby gear floated through her head. Like Ellen Page in Whip It, she would race through the streets of her neighborhood, gaining confidence and skill. She would then be so awesome she would be spotted at a local rink and invited to join Lone Star Assassins or the Dead Kennedys where she would kick A and take names elbowing lesser skaters aside, bodies flying into beer can towers and fans in lawn chairs. Ahh. It would ROCK!!!

E carefully perused ebay for skates she could afford and eagerly awaited them in the mail. They arrived on a work day and on the first day she had off work, she had evening plans. DARN!!! But....E really wanted to try out the awesome skates. She guessed it would have to wait.

If only E had kept to this resolve.

On arriving home at 11pm.....E loving greeted her giant chihuahua shepherd, RoxMonster. She walked further into her house and saw her lovely new skates gleaming on the floor. What a thing of beauty!! Those skates NEEDED to be used. She sat on her couch and RoxMonster looked at her with pleading soft brown puppy eyes. Mommy- pweeese walk me!!!

In that instant an ingenious plan developed in E's twisted brain. It was too brilliant! E should take an inaugural skate while walking RoxMonster through her badly lit neighborhood!!!

She strapped the black and red demon skates to her unknowing feet and grabbed a leash. RoxMonster approached her and sniffed at the weird creatures attacking mommy's feet. Alien invaders!!!! E convinced the monster it was OK to proceed with the aliens and they went out the front door. E wobbled as she tried to hold RoxMonster back from the initial lunge out the door. E stepped down out of the house and turned to put the key in the lock. Finally, she turned and faced her future. She was gonna burn this neighborhood UP.

Crap. The sidewalk away from the house was all downhill and covered with mini-twigs and dirt. No problem. E just needed to get rolling. Get her groove on. RoxMonster hesitated by her side. E realized she needed to have room for her skates to push off so she shooed the monster into a trot and took off. Literally.

As E contemplated the night sky from her position on her back under a tree she saw some brilliant stars gleaming despite the city lights. Her legs felt bent in all crazy directions. She thought she felt a root sticking into her shoulder. RoxMonster quickly took advantage of the situation to climb slowly atop the heap of limbs. Her nose majestically pointed in the air, she howled her victory over the woman-hill, channeling her inner wolf-child, and letting the neighborhood dogs know she was on top. After a few moments of victory, the monster was apparently disturbed by the moaning and silent weeping interrupting her wolf-glory. RoxMonster began to bat her mommy in the face with her nose and slurped inquisitively at her cheek. Was she alive? It was hard to tell.

E used her hands to bring each skewed leg back into alignment and slowly arose. She wobbled her way back into the house, walking on the skate brakes. RoxMonster trailed behind on her leash, looking back longingly at the neighborhood, denied her victory tour.

E sat slowly on the couch, realized her tailbone was smooshed, she had scrapes everywhere, and her ankles and knees of steel had, for the the first time in her life, been minorly twisted or sprained. What the H? How could her brilliant plan have gone wrong?

It was a mystery. One that she would have ample time to solve while stuck on her couch with her tailbone making its previously faith-based existence insistently known.

Once again,Poor E.

The Adventures of Sleepy E in the PC World

Poor Sleepy E. She had been working a looong shift and needed to go to help with an education class at work again the next afternoon at lunchtime. Which would allow Poor Sleepy E only 3 hours sleep max before heading out into the world to work again. The Agony!!! But alas Sleepy E's mad computer skillz had made her sign up to be an expert in new technology at her job.

As Sleepy E drove up to the Tower of Edumacation, she felt lightheaded and extremely nauseous beyond the normal. To the point that she considered getting back in her car and driving back home to have a therapeutic barf. But no. She pressed onward and arrived in the PC classroom with so many computers and new techie devices. The head teacher was so excited to see Sleepy E's arrival to help out with the class that she, a stranger, gave Sleepy E a bear hug, startling her further awake. We-eird.

Sleepy E helped to pass out all the new techie devices and handouts and saw a few friends from work that attended the class. They were all eagerly anticipating the start of class. And as it began, they learned that this was maybe not a class they should have anticipated, but dreaded. Due to the new technology you ask?? Oh no. Due to the fact that a man that was functionally illiterate/blind was in the class and could not do even one thing to follow instructions as apparently he could only see the device as a blob in his hand. As for clicking on words and making selections.....did I mention the device was just a blobby?

As the class reviewed the one series of actions they had to perform with the device to leave the class, he lay his head down on the desk with his face approximately an inch from the instructions and attempted to see the words to no avail. Sleepy E talked him through each step and was horrified as she thought to herself "What on earth does this man do at work if he literally cannot see ANYTHING?? How does he read medications, know policies, or SHUDDER.....start IV's?!?!"

All of Sleepy E's coworkers needed to stay for a 2nd part of the class that this poor man did not need. But he had to finish his practice exercise and then take a test. Yup. An online test. And they wouldn't start the second half of class until he had finished and left the room. And so Sleepy E's coworkers started to grow beards and curly fingernails as they waited in vain for this man to finish. FOREVER. But then finally the miracle of miracles happened and he was done. Hooray!

By this point poor Sleepy E was feeling so sick and awful she considered dragging a trash can around with her in case she puked. This class needed to end. STAT. Haha...a little hospital humor....I digress...Anyways, the 2nd half was about to start. And so Sleepy E handed out more equipment and sat down to wait and see if anyone needed help. But one of those moments in life, so precious and so few, was about to occur to make every agonizing moment of Sleepy E's day worthwhile.

The people in the second section of the class needed to learn some new technology for creating......Breastmilk Labels. Yes, that's right world. Breastmilk is now a friggin drug and healthcare workers need to get up in the middle of the night(for them) to take classes on label making.

Now reader......sitting next to the blind man, was a spicy older Latina nurse, now alone at her computer station for this second half. Very vocal in not understanding new technologeez. Very prone to hitting bizarre places on her screen and then screeching for help. She was absolutely sure that instead of just hitting CANCEL when reaching the wrong screen she instead needed both Sleepy E and the teacher to both come look at her scanner personally and tell her YES HIT CANCEL. Every time. And stall the class further.

So as they started the 2nd half, Sleepy E was sure it would lead to more shouts of "Just Hit CANCEL!!! For the Love!!!" The teacher began the class. 1st action.

"Click on the picture of a baby bottle. 2nd action. Scan your baby's patient ID band. This will bring up a ID screen which you read and click OK to confirm ID info for your patient. Just to be helpful the screen is Pink for Baby Girls. Blue for Baby Boys. Also class there is a Yellow Screen you may see if a baby is born with undetermined anatomy. "

At which point Latina nurse stops struggling with clicking on her scanner and looks directly at the teacher with a serious look on her face. " That is for the Baybeez Gay. "

Teacher bites her lip and says "If you say so" and continues with the Scanner instructions as if nothing was said. A better woman that Sleepy E. Taking the higher ground of just letting it go.

Meanwhile Sleepy E and a coworker turn to each other and mouth " Baybeez Gay?" And then try to hide their tears and shaking. Then Sleepy E tries to imagine how a labor and delivery would go where the baby is declared with a bad accent "Dees es un how do you say...Baybee Gay" immediately on exit of womb.

Does the baby come out with a He-ey! instead of a squeal? Does the baby's skin rash up on hospital blankies and demand Egyptian cotton with a higher thread count? Does assumed straight girl baby throw up on only the pink blankies and thus come out? Oh the possibilities are as endless as they are offensive.

And in that bright shining moment of unexpectedly offensive commentary, Sleepy E knew coming to class that day WAS worth it!!!

The Tale of the Desperate Encounter of E-Shizzle, TinyK, Peanut and Pooh

Submitted for your reading pleasure......

The Tale of the Desperate Encounter of E-Shizzle, TinyK, Peanut and Pooh

On the blessed occasion of the one score and a half plus one Birthday of E-Shizzle, She and TinyK headed off to Hurricane Holla...I mean Harbor for a day of fun in the sun.

E-Shizzle was garbed in her new black bathing suit with little ruffles around the bosoms. And an extra panel sewn in for the small children in the viewing public. She was also wearing a pair of men's board shorts for her own comfort and security. As her fat was not yet tan or toned it needed to be covered.

TinyK was her usual cute and skinny self in her cute suit. And expensive but useless sunscreen. But I digress.

Both lovely ladies made it to the park and had the most charming time riding the rides and burning the @#$ out of their feet. Nachos, Chicken strips, Strawberry Daquiris. Oh my!

And Oh! the people watching. They were having a great time. Since the criminals who manage the park made certain rides open late, the girls were happy when one of their faves was finally open for business. The girls ran, and ran, and walked fast, and ...gasp.....trudged, then dragged up the stairs to the ride. As they almost made it to the top they heard a voice behind them.

"Do you ladies know if this ride is scary?"

E-Shizzle and TinyK looked at each other. Uh. what?

E-Shizzle answered "It's not as bad as Geronimo. There's an 8yr old in front of us riding it. I think you'll be fine"

A fine young black man approached her. "My name's Peanut and this is my man Pooh. "

E-Shizzle and TinyK tried to contain their hysteria.

"Me and Pooh came up here and rented a hotel for a while and got passes to Six Flags and Hurricane Harbor to have fun going back and forth for a while. So where are you ladies from? Do you have plans tonight?"

Pooh looked on disinterestedly like he'd seen Peanut rejected many times before. Pooh also had some unfortunate man-grooming issues that should have been resolved before removing his shirt, so maybe he was just anticipating rejection for himself.

Tiny K answered and said "We're from Richardson and it's my sister's birthday so we have to go home early for a family dinner party", the lie pouring forth like water from a tube chute.

Peanut replied" Are you sure you can't come party with us at the hotel?"

E- Shizzle said "Sorry but no thanks."

Peanut then counter offered " It's your birthday. I promise I can make it special"

OH NO HE DI'ENT!!!

TinyK at this point says "How old are you guys? " hoping of course that she can tell them to try with girls their own age.

Peanut says " Well I'm thirty. How old are you two?"

FOILED AGAIN!! Tiny K says in a depressed little voice "I'm 26 and my sister is turning 31 today" to which Peanut replies " So we are just the right ages!!"

So TinyK pulls out the big guns and quickly says into the awkward silence(in a strangely loud voice)"I have a boyfriend."

E-Shizzle thinks to herself. Wow. That sounds believable.

Peanut says" Oh, well we should still party sometime. How can I get y'all's numbers?"

E-Shizzle and TinyK look at each other like how can this man be any more desperate? And yet Peanut wasn't bad looking. Sad.

TinyK says" Ummm we're all at Hurricane Harbor. It's not like anyone has a phone or a pen with them in their bathing suit. Sorry."

At this point even Pooh is getting annoyed. Pooh makes some "Oh well! and Darn maybe next time" type gestures and mutters and tries to shuffle off.

Peanut is not one to give up though. " Really? How am I gonna get your numbers? This is so annoying."

At this point E-Shizzle is totally enjoying keeping quiet and hearing what crap TinyK will say next.

"There's really no way you CAN get our numbers. OH WELL" Says TinyK in a very final way.

Peanut then awkwardly turns to face the oncoming ride. " So you're sure this ride isn't too scary?" Pooh snorts.

And E-Shizzle and Tiny K hope that by the time they reach the bottom of the slide they will once again be free to roam the park sans desperate Peanut and Pooh. But oh the story they will have to tell their friends.......

Little did Peanut know, but he did make E-Shizzle's birthday special.

The Tale of Shop-E and the Stalk-Squad

Put on your Texas Summer Parkas my friends for the chilling .......

Tale of Shop-E and the Stalk-Squad

Whilst perusing homes earlier in the week Shop-E started snapping pics of the amazing house she was planning to bid on (alas-to no avail) when she realized 3/4 of the pictures reminded her of her evil nemesis' mind .....dark and shady....

OH SNAP!! Shop-E's precious camera- her birthday present after coming home from her mission full of crap-tastic photos, was once again dead. That's right. For the second time. The first time the factory recalled the problem and it got revived for free but this appeared to be Taps for the trusty buddy.

What was a shamelessly shopportunistic girl like Shop-E to do? Check out the open box items online at her local Microcenter and then go to Best Buy to play with the merchandise first.

Our darling Shop-E entered the store and was met by the door greeter/ineffectively skinny security guy. He asked if she needed help. Nope. She walked on to the cameras. To meet up with the official Geek Squad. Nope. And another Geek. Nope. This was getting REDONKULOUS!! Shop-E picked up a few cameras of which only half actually would turn on. How can you pick out a camera if you can't even see it's displays?? At which point (about 30- seconds after entering the camera area and turning down geeks 2 & 3) the manager approaches Shop-E.

"Hello." says the manager(ummmmm...... did I stumble into Buy Mart? thinks Shop-E? It's a big black grumpy manager!! Where's Chuck??)

"Hi"
" Can we help you today? "
"Nope. I know what I'm looking for."
"Well you seem to not want our help."
"You're right. I don't need help. But thanks."
"I'm not sure why you keep turning down help. We are here for you."

At this point Shop-E is ready to give the manager a piece of her mind but decides to shame him instead.

"The only help I really need is for you to make the electrical connection to your cameras actually work. Half of the cameras won't turn on despite being connected with the power light glowing."
The manager turns greenish. "Ummm.......can you show me that?"
Shop-E hands him the camera she is holding which, to his chagrin, is lit up like Christmas on the power connector but won't turn on.
Manager turns to Geek #3." Can you just get one out that has a fresh battery. Heh heh. This camera appears to be...uh... not working well"

Geek #3 opens a new camera and hands it to Shop-E.
Manager then says" Aren't you glad you spoke to us? See we are very helpful!"

Shop-E gives him a look that tells him what she thinks of a store where "help" has to be there to fix broken merchandise.
Shop-E then takes the little camera around to compare it to the others that are actually working. After a few minutes Shop-E decides that none of the cameras are speaking to her. None say " I am zee camera' of jour dreemz E" so she hand the camera back to Geek #3 , says thanks, and heads out.

It is only as Shop-E entered the Half-Price Books next door that she realized her purse was gaping open. She must not have zipped it after getting out of her car. WOW.

And now the question must be answered......was Shop-E being harassed because Best Buy cannot leave people alone for one stinking minute if you are there on a weekday at 2(a valid theory) or did those dorks really think she was gonna shove a camera in her purse??? A camera that was freaking dead bolted to the display table??? There was no portable merchandise in the area she was shopping!! Holy Cow people!!

And her purse is CU-UTE! Not the purse of a stealer one would hope. And so jammed packed she couldn't have fit in a camera with the counter attached one would guess.

And so the episode of Best Buy Harassment with remain a mystery!

And Shop-E might just have to go to Fry's. Where she might get in REAL trouble.

The Tale of Little E and the Suicidal Aged

Little E had been feeling old. Not ancient, but very mature compared to the 18 yr olds around her and the boys, yes boys, in their late twenties trying to date them. Constantly bugged at work about how and when she was ever going to meet anyone she heard of a magical gathering of mature single mo's and knew it was the perfect answer. She looked at her Calendar of Despair and had the weekend free. Little E was overjoyed. New friends! New scene! So much to look forward too.

Little E fretted all week about what she would wear for comfort as it seemed she might be sitting all day and then dancing. Little E fretted that she wouldn't fit in. Luckily Little E's friends Reluctant Ri and JJ were going to go with her and it made all her worries disappear.

The day dawned and Little E got 4 amazing hours of sleep the night before and dragged herself out of bed. She barely had time to get dressed and didn't even really dry her hair. She packed some water and a raincoat for the cloudy day and she was off. Reluctant Ri texted she would be late. Little E wished she had slept in too. Meeting up with JJ, Little E had a fabulous drive to exotic distant Arlington. The two friends entered the building and their natural exuberance was immediately hushed by the startling scene before them. Elderly people shuffled in and out of the chapel. A medic room was set up next to the door for casualties. The scent of roses and moth balls pervaded the arctic air. Everyone that turned to see Little E and JJ was extremely overly excited. They were given name tags and schedules and note pads and everyone was very kind. They entered the chapel to see an endless sea of seniors and the handicapped. Little E wondered if they had made a wrong turn or gotten false information, but no. This was the place. Just not the place for Little E and JJ. And Reluctant Ri who shortly arrived.

At lunch time they were given mini sized sandwiches and big cookies and a pile of chips. Little E wondered if the tiny sandwich was trying to suggest something. But they were told to grab extras if they were still hungry and HECK YES they were. They then brought out fruit after Little E had already gotten ill from eating 2 cookies to get full. So sad. This is how you make people fat thought Little E. Serve fruit for dessert.

Then Little E, JJ and Reluctant Ri headed back to the chapel for the endless setlist. Errmmm.. I mean the Conference workshops. 4 straight hours in the coldest chapel known to man. Little E felt both her leg hair AND arm hair growing. And icicles forming in her still damp hair. And poor Reluctant Ri was dressed for a sunny summer's day. And unprepared with extra coat. Luckily JJ went to her car and got out her trusty plaid camping blanket just for such occasions. And the event hosts began passing out fleece lap blankets to all of the wheelchairs in the front of the chapel. Little E wondered why only the handicapped were supposed to be freezing their A##es off. Hrm?

Hours passed. Wonderful talks were given, but all Little E could think about was how much longer she was expected to sit there in that chapel. Should she try to build an igloo like an Eskimo? Maybe the cold was to encourage cuddling but there was no one cuddle-able for her. The three friends minds wandered. Finally they took a break outside to warm up. They did not want to go back in due to the cold and general booty numbness, but they pressed on. As the hours passed Little E began to get the impression that the speakers considered the audience to be filled with deeply depressed old fogies who needed to be prevented from committing suicide. As the hymns about sunshine and the talks about life taking "different" paths kept on and on Little E began to feel an uncomfortabl-ness and coldness that had nothing to do with the temperature. A short light was seen in the abyss of deep depression when the Texas Boys Choir sang for the seated popsicle-people. But then they went back for another few hours about trying to stay cheerful when your life is meaningless and empty. Little E thought she had heard the worst, but was unprepared for the upcoming special musical number. As the woman started to sing " I know you are on the edge, unable to hang on any more, in deep despair.....etc" Little E felt a burning urge inside her. She felt her limbs moving almost on their own to stand. She forced her legs to be still. But her mouth was starting to move too. She could feel a mighty shout building up inside her. She wanted to scream " SHUT UUUUUUPPPPP!!!!!" from the depths of her frozen soul. But she did not.

Finally the un-magical gathering came to an end. Oh awaited hour! Little E was so relieved. Reluctant Ri made a faster exit than Taco Bell in a model with IBS. JJ and Little E looked at each other wondering could they stand to stay even a moment longer or might they venture to meet and mingle at the dance? Heck yes they did!! As the dance started Little E went to the restroom and met a nice lady in her 40's. Maybe the closest person to Little E in age. Little E watched as she straightened her "I Love JESUS!" sparkle pin on her turtleneck sweater. Little E knew she was in for a fun filled night.

The dance took place in a cruise decorated gym. The walls were fake cruise ship rails with life preservers. Lemonade and water fountains adorned the snack table along with mints and bags of frosted animal cookies. As the DJ broke into the "Danger Zone" so did the white haired dancers who shook what they had in a non-age appropriate, yet restrained way. Little E's eyes widened. Holy Schnikies! An older man who had dressed for their unannounced theme in a tropical shirt and hat picked unsuspecting women out and asked every single one of them to dance- for only a few moments before picking out another and abandoning his current victim. Please let him skip me prayed Little E in her head. She developed a sudden urge to lock herself in JJ's car in the parking lot. At that moment a different seemingly nice older man asked JJ to dance and said he'd be back for Little E. OK, thought Little E, I am about to officially enter the waters of the Oldies Cruise Dance. As the man came back for her the gentle strains of Usher's "Yeah Yeah" began to play. The man was unfazed. They began to shake it. Little E realized she was completely a dork dancing to Usher if she was unable to truly shake her booty. She felt like she was all arms and frozen old lady hips. Her booty wanted to take on a life of its own. Little E said "No booty. You shall not get your fix of Usher tonight. " As Usher asked for a lady in the street and a freak in the bed Little E looked to see shocked faces but then realized the sweet people around her probably couldn't hear the lyrics anyways. How awkward to dance with a man in his 60's to Usher. Little E returned to her seat and continued to dance on occasion with men nowhere near her age. At one point Little E introduced herself to some people her own age, but they seemed uninterested in dancing. How sad. Truly Little E had entered a depressing world.

She and JJ finally decided to escape the wraith like claws of the retirement cruise of death and headed back to their happy and comfortably room-temperature homes. They bid adieu to their new found friends and what the? The light went on and the dance was over. They had stayed til the end?? This was unacceptable. They had meant to cut out early. What a weird dance. No last slow songs or anything?? Really? None?

Ok forget the graceful exit. JJ and Little E hightailed it out of there to miss all of the Lincoln Continentals backing out at 0.5 miles an hour. See ya lata!! They sped out of the parking lot with a squeal of the wheels and not a backward glance, glad to leave behind the most depressing experience of their short short short(did I mention they were young? ) lives.

Grody

At work we received a thrilling little giftcard for 10 bucks to use at our cafeteria or hospital Starbucks as a christmas present. YAY! Just what mama wanted for Christmas. But that giftcard allowed me to have this gem of an experience. 

The Tale of the Really Really Bad Barista

Baddy was having a crappy day. To start off with, she had to go to work at the butt-crack of dawn. Those healthcare workers need their daily shot of incredibly overpriced caffeine and they start their day really early. And they know they are about to be exhausted by their day too. Not too many smiling faces. 

The reason this day was excruciatingly craptastic was that it had been like 80 degrees out the day before and suddenly this morning she woke up to 30 degree weather. What the? And of course the "Starbucks in a hallway" she worked at was a total wind tunnel entrance to the building. Brrrrr!!! So Baddy bundled on her fleece jacket over her thermals and trudged in to work bleary eyed and miserable. 

She made it through the first few hours of her morning like a drone. Luckily she was at checkout and pastry duty. All she had to do was punch buttons and shout orders and swipe credit cards. It really chapped her hide when people payed cash. Then she had to wake up and think for a second. Ug. But hours passed, and the young doctors and parents and nurses slowly thinned out as their shifts started and the hospital got it's morning underway. Yesssssss!!!! The morning rush was over. 

Baddy looked around her and blinked her glazed over eyes a few times. Suddenly she saw what had happened over the course of the morning. It looked like it had rained coffee inside the Starbucks. Sloshed non-dairy creamer, spilled caramel, crumbs. And coffee, don't forget the drips of coffee. So much coffee.....EVERYWHERE!!!!  Caffeine addicts don't act very friendly if you stop the movement of the line to clean up for a few minutes. Finally, now she could take a breath and restore some order to her station. What a filthy mess. 

Unfortunately Baddy was about to commit a cardinal sin in the food industry. Everyone knows the kitchen is dirty. BUT YOU NEVER TALK ABOUT IT TO A CUSTOMER!!!! Baddy was just such a friendly girl she couldn't help herself. Commiserating about her woes, or the customer's woes just came naturally to her. 

Nurse E was just finishing a really really long night at work. In fact it had taken her so long to get out that the rush had cleared away and there was no line at Starbucks- Holy Schnikies!!! Normally she walked cheerfully past the junkies lined up to waste their whole paycheck on their daily hit, but today, after that looong night, and the prospect of sleeping in her warm bed and relishing a super cold day with a book and DVR, she thought to herself " I have a giftcard burning a hole in my wallet- why not start this amazing morning a Salted Caramel Hot Chocolate while it is still available?"

Abruptly she turned and approached Baddy and proudly presented her shiny new giftcard. "A Grande Salted Caramel Hot Chocolate Please!" Nurse E giggled in glee at the glory about to be bestowed upon her. And she looked up at Baddy......as Baddy seriously tried to use the sides of her fingers, her elbows, chopsticks.....anything to NOT have to touch the register keys. Nurse wondered to herself " Do her fingies hurt? What the crap?" And then Baddy let her in on a little secret. 

"Everything is so disgusting in here I don't want to touch it. I am trying to not touch anything at all but I guess I'll have to." 

"YUM" thought Nurse E. "Just what I want to hear from the person about to serve me food." 

She turned to look more closely at the inside of the Starbucks and indeed, it was nasty. But she moved over to the pickup area and took her delicious hot chocolate and called herself lucky to get even a dirty cup of it for free. 

And she looked back at Baddy as she walked away and thought to herself......."Oh well. I hope they give me another giftcard for more dirty cocoa next year. Or dirty cider. That stuff is amazing too. MMMMM!"

The Tale of Old Blue the Shopping Granny

Whilst our narrator was shopping after work yesterday for costuming apparel at Goodwill, she happened upon one of the Grannies that makes growing old seem worthwhile. 

On first seeing Old Blue, she seemed a stereotype of the crazy friends of the narrator's own Granny. Blue had a helmet of poofy thick white hair- dyed to the shade of a bluebird's egg for fashion's sake. Her brows were shaved off and then painted on a charcoal grey- one slightly arched and higher than the other, with hot pink lipstick bleeding into her wrinkly granny pout.

Since she was making an outing that day Blue had worn a prized kittens and flowers applique sweater to show she meant business.....and was still a fine figure of a woman for any WWII vets also there to take advantage of the senior discount. 

Blue had up till this point in the story perused the abandoned knick-nacks and found quite a few only-slightly-broken figurines and tacky vases. The top of her cart showed her prizes, but her real treasure was hidden in the bottom of the cart- as we all shall see. 

Or narrator was in line to check out behind a hispanic family of like 5 older ladies and a poor put-upon middle aged man obviously driving las abuelas around and killing time while they shopped away. Las abuelas made quite a crowd so the line was muy looooong. 

Old Blue drunkenly drives her cart through the narrow aisles of crap and makes a sideswipe at the man as she reaches the end of the aisle. "MOVE  OVER LADY!!!" She says. Then a few seconds later. "Oh- you're not a lady. Move anyways!!!!" He moves aside and is laughing at her on the inside just as much as the narrator. So she approaches a checkout booth that is closed and tells everyone- "I wanted to check out NOW!" No luck Old Blue. 

So she then steers her cart back behind the only open line and appears to plan to make a close personal friend of our narrator, but then a lady with dyed dark brown cotton candy hair comes  up to stand with her. Cotton has the standard painted brows(brown at least) and crazy lipstick with applique sweater, but hers is black so she is obviously a darker more morose personality despite the puppies. She and Old Blue then get in a loud discussion about the most prized and previously hidden item in their cart. PEE PADS. Seriously. Who donates Pee pads to Goodwill? Someone apparently. These two have lined the bottom of their cart with packages of blue super thick pee pads. JACKPOT!! and Cotton tells all that she called her son and he said that they are so lucky to have found the pads at such a good price and he can't believe their good fortune either. 

To kill time Blue makes a few comments to everyone in line about how amazing her pee pads are(1 1/2 inch thick dry!!)  and then about her vases- and reveals that she is slightly ......let's say senile.... and repeatedly uses the wrong words and has obvious volume control issues with her voice. Which only endears her more to all she meets.  

Our narrator finally reaches the front of the line and is making her purchases, and Blue comes up beside her at the counter, turns to her and says in a whisper(or so she thinks)" You know those are the pads they have at houses for retarded people!!" 

"Retired people" says Cotton.

"Retired people" repeats Blue. 

"They do look nice" chokes out our narrator, holding in all of the laughter she is capable of. Tears run out the sides of her eyes as she turns to stare in the opposite direction to calm herself and not hurt dear Blue's feelings.

Cotton then tells Blue as the narrator carries off her loot. " OOOOH!! I am gonna get even more of a steal on the Pads.....I am gonna tell them the package is open so they should be half price!!!" Riiiiiiiiipppp. 

Ahhh retired people. We love them so.

The Tale of the Sonic Shadow and the Bunny

And now for your Halloween reading pleasure......I give you the spooky story of.....

The Sonic Shadow and the Bunny

Let us hearken back .......many many years ago. Sooooooo many years ago. Back to when the George Bush Toll Road/190 did not exist. When no one but the Packards had heard of Wylie or....... how do you say it .....Sack-See?  A day in the early 90's. When Madonna had a Secret and not an adopted African child. The distant past.

In these olden days, a Daria-like high school age girl was off from her monotonous job slaving away at a local Ross. Where customer service was really a front for the local narcotics trade. But I digress. This particular day she wanted to relax and enjoy the summer. But she had been stuck at home with her younger sister who is known as The Bunny. The Bunny always got her way in their house by using her Bunny eyes and her Bunny whine on their parents. Thus the Bunny wanted to try out her new driving skills and be the chauffeur for a trip to ......Lake Lavon. Alterna-Daria protested, but the Bunny was determined and AD figured her life was less at risk in the middle of a weekday than at any other time so she agreed. 

The Bunny managed to safely make her way to the Lake(or is it a cess pit?) and the girls tried to attract all of the cancerous UV rays they could to their slave-labor pasty bodies. As Texas was an inferno in August then, as it continues to be now, the young ladies were FRIGGIN HOT. They would have liked to dedicate more time to their melanomas, but they were mere millimeters from heat stroke. Especially Alterna-Daria who only sweats from her face and retains heat. Bunny and AD decided to make their way back home to avoid AD tossing her cookies. Back in the day in Wylie, one store, one beacon of hope existed for summer sufferers. SONIC. Like a mirage in the middle of abandoned carpet stores and trailer homes with Playschool gyms, the Sonic stood for all that was good and right and tasty in the world. 

The Bunny and Alterna-Daria made a pilgrimage to this sacred Sonic every time they came to the Lake(?). The Bunny pulled in to a parking space and rolled down her window. She and AD ordered their Route 66 drinks and The Bunny rolled her window back up to conserve the car's A/C. As she pushed the window-up button, the skies darkened slightly and a crow cawed as it landed on the red Sonic roof. 

The girls sang along to "Genie in a Bottle" and talked away, unaware that a devilish fate was circling in upon them. Minutes passed and AD looked for their girl-on-wheels to bring the drinks but the Bunny sang away and never once glanced outside of the car. She was completely oblivious that the seconds ticking away brought her closer to ......The Shadow.

Our villainous Shadow worked inside the Sonic and was known for her stealthy moves and invisible style, but only to those who knew she existed. Many employees had only heard of the Shadow, but had never seen her. She was that good at the shadowy game. She had grown up a middle child with mousy brown hair in a middle class family. No one ever paid her any mind which bothered her for quite some time until she realized that invisibility could work to her advantage. She began to study the art of spying and disappearing into the woodwork. Forced by her middle class mediocrity to seek a job, she applied at the local Sonic and figured she could practice her "ghost on wheels" technique. She had delivered many a Coney, many a Tot, and no one remembered the elusive phantom who delivered the fatty goodness.

This hot August day, the Shadow figured she had her perfect storm. Two girls singing along like fools to the  music in the car. Blonds too. Blech. They'd never realize she'd been there till she was back in the kitchen moving on to her next victim. The fools. 

The Shadow loaded up the Route 66 drinks on her tray and rolled toward the crappy white Mystique. As her skates turned, she prepared her most forgettable voice. "1.98 please. Thanks." roll away. It was almost TOO perfect. As she approached, the taller girl turned and saw her, but the younger one in the driver's seat kept singing. And singing. Was she ever going to realize her order had arrived?? How unorthodox. Typically people watched for their food. This younger girl seemed to NOT CARE about her drink. It was over 100 degrees out. Was she crazy?? The Shadow was perplexed. What to do??

Making a decision she would regret her whole life, the Shadow bit her lower lip and knocked on the window. And all hades broke loose. 

The young blond girl turned into a raving maniac, screaming at the top of her lungs and ripping away at the ceiling of the car. She kicked her feet into the gas pedal and floorboards of the parked car as if she was being attacked. The scream went on and on, even after she turned and looked the Shadow dead in the eye and saw her order sitting right there. 

The Shadow, unnerved by the convulsive epileptic death scream, started to scream herself and tossed the drinks in the air. Luckily she managed to catch them on the tray before they spilled all over her. The Shadow's stealth operation was now not only compromised, she was totally humiliated. 

The young girl rolled down the window of the white car, and, barely able to breathe, said "I'm sorry- you scared me." The older blond girl only laughed- apparently also unable to breathe. The Shadow thought she heard her say "I swear I'm gonna pee myself" but she could never be certain.

The Shadow said"1.98 please. Thanks." And rolled away in shame. Her shoulders hunched. Her invisibility having been too effective for the first time. As the kitchen door swung shut, the wind carried her cry"Marsha Marsha Marsha!!"

And the Bunny? What happened to our blond fluffy friend? Did the trauma of the Shadow's silent attack affect her in any way? Nope- still hopping along to Sonic. But now she stares at the kitchen door like a hawk. Bunny will never allow the Shadow to sneak up on her again. But she will continue to need a Cherry Limeade during the summer. It's Texas. Mortal Fear vs. Refreshing Drink -it's really a cost/benefit analysis type of situation. 

The Story of Checkout Ben

There once was a 19 yr old boy with tall, dark, & emo good looks whose only dream was to be in an amazing rock band. Or to play Rock Band. He would probably eventually become something quite nerdy for the money, but for now-it was all about the music.

The dreams of 19 year olds are not often already fulfilled and most unlucky post-high school acne-prone boys are forced to seek employment in places that are most absurd. Our hero Ben was driven by poverty and circumstance to apply at many stores in East Plano and it just so happened that Kohl's welcomed him as a valuable employee. You see... Ben was quite the diamond in the rough...and with Kohl's new lines of hard rockin' Hilary Duff and Miley Cyrus merchandise...Little Ben was sure to catch the eye of all of the teenyboppers in black leggings and plastic jewelry.

On this particular day though.....Ben was not living up to his potential. He had no reason to shine. All the cute girlies were back at school after Labor Day. It was windy outside. Just a quiet day to work in general. One of those days that there seemed to be no perks to working at a store famous for friggin awesome discounts.

As Ben stood there bored at his checkout counter.... a lovely and amazing woman(Cougar E) walked up to make her purchase. Ben thought to himself" If I were Mormon and like 10 years older I would aggressively pursue and marry this women, but Alas I am 19 and no one knows my religion." The lovely lady handed over her dirt cheap satiny shirt into Ben's capable hands. Ben said "Hi....Thanks for shopping at Kohl's today. Would you like to open a Kohl's charge and save 10%" which was secret code for "I love you".

The mysterious hottie said only " No thanks" which he knew meant "I think I love you too."

Made clumsy by his feelings, Ben turned quickly away and scanned the shirt's tag. And that was when tragedy ensued. Ben doubled over to get a bag for the shirt and stood up. He felt a funny feeling in the pit of his stomach and then his throat and then..NOOO!!!

BUUUUUUURPPPP!!!!

Silence. Crickets. It appears she didn't notice. Or maybe she noticed and she's too polite to say anything. Maybe I should say something. But what?

"Your shirt's so cute it made me burp."

Once again. Silence. No wait she's turning to look at me!

"Huh?" OH NO!! She's offended!!!

"Ummm...nothing. Cash or Charge?"

As she completed the transaction by herself using the card swiper, Ben had a mental breakdown filled with whys. Why had he drank a coke with lunch? Why had he leaned over so fast? Why had he BLAMED HER SHIRT???

As he stood there face flaming and turned to face the register he never noticed that the lady's eyes teared up and that she had to bite her lip to keep quiet. In reality the lady couldn't tell if he burped or if it was another sound and the shock caused a time delay. Then she was further shocked by the joke and her only intelligible response was "Huh?!" until crazy laughter took over.

As the lady walked out of the store, she said "Goodbye! Thanks!" but poor Ben was too distracted by his shame to hear.

And thus we see the beginning of Ben.....who will become a rock star. Once he figures out how to turn burp-shame and word-vomit into angst-ridden lyrics gold.

Poor Ben.

The Ballad of the Vegorexic and Carnivorosa

The Scene: New Nurse Training
The Characters:
Cool Black Girl(CBG)- A new nurse from Arkansas
Nice Latina Nurse(NLN)- a friend of CBG
The Vegorexic- A new super emaciated nurse from Minnesota(equipped with Frances McDormand accent with a huge helping of valley girl)
Carnivorosa(me)

The Vegorexic was a lonely and anal retentive girl who walked the earth feeling slightly lost and damaged. Ya. She did. So she moved to Texas because a friend told her to and embarked on a new nursing career.

Texas was totally hot. Oh gee. And the free lunches always came with a few vegetarian entrees. You would think to yourself that this would make a vegetarian Minnesotan happy, but you would be wrong because our dear nursey was .....vegorexic. A distinct difference from the typical vegetarian who doesn't like meat. Little Vegorixec didn't want to eat at all and used vegetarianism as a front to opt out of eating.

She though she was fooling everyone, but unfortunately Carnivorosa had too much experience with vegorexics to miss the clues. When Vegorexic picked up a knife and fork to eat her veggie wrap there was a hint that something was off. Then she cut it into tiny pieces and then separated each veggie into piles which she then moved around the plate and started eating one carrot shred at a time and then threw away the plate without having eaten more than 5 carrot shreds and said "That was yummy -I am sooo full!" Carnivorosa knew now exactly what she was dealing with.

One fine summer day Cool Black Girl and the Vegorexic started a conversation about how gosh darn skinny our Vegorixec was. CBG said to Veg " I have got to lose some weight and you are sooo thin. Whatever you are doing it must be working. Really Working. Are you on a diet?"

"No. I'm not on a diet. I'm just a vegetarian and we eat really healthy. You should totally try it. You'll never go back once you do because you won't miss meat(or food in general thought Carnivorosa). Trust me." CBG gives Veg a skeptic look. "I'll never miss meat? I don't know about that. I don't think I could be a vegetarian."

At this point Carnivorosa walked up to the group and entered the conversation along with
Nice Latina Nurse. Veg turns to CBG and NLN and says"Have you ever tried a Veggie burger? They are EXACTLY the same as a real one only no nasty meat!!" CBG says "For reals? I never had one." NLN shakes her head no that she never tried one either. Veg turns to Carnivorosa and asks "What about you?" Carnivorosa says" Yes, I have had a veggie burger and although I like them I could NEVER say they are exactly like a real hamburger- it's not the same. I like them, but it's a different taste"

This inspires an animation in Veg to prove Carnivorosa wrong. "That's not possible. They are just as good as real burgers. Do you have a Red Robin here in Dallas?" At this point Carnivorosa thought to herself - Why the Crap would you bring up the holy grail of juicy burger goodness to convert us to your sick "tasteless veggie food is easier to lose weight because you won't want to eat it" plan? Now I want a fruity beverage and a Whisky River Barbeque Burger- but what Carnivorosa said was " Heck yes we have Red Robin. Why?"

Veg replied,"Go order their Veggie burger. It's so amazing you'll never want meat again. That is totally the same as any burger." With thoughts of onion curls and a toasty bun in her head Carnivorosa said "I might try that sometime, but all you did was make me crave a bacon cheeseburger or something by mentioning Red Robin." At the mention of demon bacon Vegorexic began to dry heave and make gagging noises. After regaining control she hissed much like Nagini in the last Harry Potter movie.

Meanwhile CBG and NLN's eyes go wide and CBG says "You almost had me going along with you Veg. I can't believe I almost gave up bacon cheeseburgers!?! I'm never gonna be a vegetarian. FREEEK! " NLN nods in agreement and CBG and NLN begin a discussion about how tasty bacon is. Vegorexic flashes a dark look at Carnivorosa, foiled in her attempt to create another minion of PETA. Carnivorosa just flashed her teeth in a predatory smile. Vegorexic thought she might have seen fangs and heard the low rumble of the purr of a big cat, but she was never really sure.

The Adventures of Opera Man and Goth Girl- A Cautionary Tale

Ok, so today at church there was a lovely display right in front of my row. I had a person in front of me blocking the view(Thanks AMY!) so I was not as grossed out. I heard the account from my sister and Aibi that there was greatness taking place in church inappropriateness history. Let me recount for you The Adventures of Opera Man and Goth Girl: A Cautionary Tale

Once there lived a boy who liked cravats and medieval weaponry. He was raised with many varied interests and insatiable curiosity and he was in fact a very nice individual. As he grew to a man, the love of cravats only grew within him and started to necessitate MORE man-cessories to balance silken knots. Thus our hero needed special vests, and jackets with tails, and knee high leather boots to complete "the look". His hair also grew at an astonishing rate until like Sampson of old it became a source of his powers. With his silky locks and "ravisher of wenches" outfits he became known as Opera Man.

One day our hero met a girl with a look as dramatic as his own. With heavy eyeliner, and dramatic black clothing she was as goth as a girl can be. Without being macabre or dangerous which is the essence of true goth if you ask the narrator, not just wearing constant funeral attire, but I digress. When Opera Man met Goth Girl it was love at first dramatic gesture.

As time passed and Sunday neared they decided to attend church. Opera Man wore his normal attire, and Goth Girl wore the standard black, but in a homage to 80's Madonna. No one knew how their two secret powers would combine to blow the minds of their fellow attendees. It all began when they sat directly in front of a crowd that were already annoyed by summer people coming in 30 minutes late and giving shout-outs and by constant laughter and talking around them every week disrupting the reverence. As Opera Man and Goth Girl sat there the fates collided. Opera Man had brushed his gleaming locks an extra 200 brush strokes that morning to make it extra touchable. The unsuspecting Goth Girl, in the fervor of all of the accessory possibilities inherent in the imitation of 80's Madonna, put on her trademark lace fingerless gloves.

As they sat in the sunlit church, Goth Girl's fingers itched to touch the silky locks. Dared she? Oh yes, she dared! Goth Girl began to run her fingers through Opera Man's hair. So Soft! So Shiny! Does he use leave-in conditioner? She couldn't get enough. As she ran her fingers through for a 100th and 150th time, steam began escaping from the ears of the two girls behind her, but Goth Girl was so enraptured she didn't notice. If only she had payed attention to the feelings of those around her, tragedy could have been avoided! As her lacy hand rose comb through for the 151st time, a small tangle in Opera man's hair, caused by her greedy fingers, caught in the rough lace of the Madonna glove. Goth Girl tried to stop, but there was too much momentum in her hand. The glove started to unravel and the lace caught up even more in the locks of poor Opera Man. Goth Girl gasped as her naked hand was exposed to the gaze of the angry girls behind her. In the same moment Opera Man realized he had a massive knot of black thread and silky locks on the back of his head. THE HORROR! He began tearing at the knot and in his rush of emotion he started shredding the locks of his hair until much of it was in his lap and that which was left was furry and split-ended. Goth Girl looked down at her outfit and realized that without the black glove, she had lost the required noire:pasty ratio, she was just another girl in a black dress and not really Goth at all.

At that moment a dove flew into the chapel and a single tear escaped it's eye and POOF the dramatic couple was gone forever. The two girls behind them were instantly able to pay attention to the meeting. Until the next week when the magical row in front of them sucked in yet another couple with its "people who need to get a room or want to show off that they have unlimited texting" magnet.

The End.