Just a few thoughts on dieting (eating less drive thru crap is the real plan)....Since I didn't start the day off feeling particularly starved or about to jump off the wagon, what happened to change that?
1) I am really in the mood for some strawberries. I have none. I seem to want to try a little of everything to see if it fills the need. Nope. I still want some strawberries. I am also too lazy to go to the store today and need to paint like...now.
2) Watching the food network is just a bad bad bad idea. I turned it on so my mom could watch something she likes while she was over and it just happened to be Throwdown with Bobby Flay and the challenge was for CHICKEN POT PIES. I think the sight of a golden puff pasty crust and herbs gently floating in a light cream sauce over smoked chicken and pearl onions was the clincher. BAD IDEA.
3) When trying to eat healthier do not buy Easter candy for other people that is supposed to sit around until Easter. Why hello Russell Stovers brownie egg....fancy meeting you here in my otherwise healthy pantry....
4) DO not have your parents order out for better food cause your stuff isn't appealing to them and they are becoming addicted to your local pizza joint as much as you are. MEAN MEAN parents!!!
5) Do not justify to yourself that you just ate dinner at breakfast time so maybe you should add a blueberry eggo or 2 to your meal to make it breakfasty.
6) If your Special K cereal sounds good to you at the moment just eat it cause if you wait an hour you will change your mind and want mac and cheese or pancakes or french bread pizza or all three. I don't know how many times I could have gotten by with the bowl of cereal if I had just eaten it when I first thought of it.
OK that is all for now. I am sure no one cares to hear about this but I need to remind myself.
I recently joined a local 24 hr fitness now that I am permanently located somewhere it's about time. Oh the fun that has ensued. People should pretend to work out and just people watch. I have been missing out in my apartment gyms all these years.
Day 1-
Arrive at gym. View that there are approximately 200 seemingly fit people there working out. Choose to try the most physically challenging looking cardio there because I am a hard A##.
As I put my feet in the safety pedals look to my side and see an incredibly anorexic girl working out with a time spent of 56 minutes. She is also "striding" with an effort and speed that I would only use if escaping an onrushing lava flow. Holy crap.
No worries, I start my workout and have a respectable speed and calorie burn. I am not in a competition. No wait, maybe I am. As anorexic girl's machine times 60:00 she slows down finally, then looks at my machine. I am four minutes in. Whoopty do. She looks up at me then back at my machine. I am not sure what the gym etiquette is for a polite way to say "Step Off B before I show you just how heavy my fist is" so I keep my thoughts to myself. She gets back on her machine and starts up. She lasts for thirty more minutes as I burn calories with a forced smile on my face and try to torture her to death. I don't sweat alot just as a part of my viking genes so I have a red face but still am as dry and cool as an Irish glen while she looks like she's in the final throes of malaria. Take that! Finally after those thirty extra minutes she steps down, looks at my machine again and walks away. Defeated. YEAH THAT'S RIGHT!! DEFEATED!! OK maybe she had an hour on me but she couldn't outlast me like she planned. I guess she had no extra fat reserves for energy in emergencies. It must be sad to be skinny.
I keep striding like the beast I am. Yeah!! I WIN!! And to prove it I kept on striding for one whole minute longer than it took her to walk down the stairs to the locker room. That's right B. Fat girl strode for like 2 whole minutes longer than you once the challenge began. I then exercised my arms and legs on the various machines to delay going into the locker room and make her think I had really kept striding even longer. Because fat girls are better at games too. Except maybe dodge ball. Then they may have the advantage at dodging.
Day 2 - After debacle of working out with the spartan army on Saturday afternoon I choose to return at 2pm on a weekday. I walk in to many open machines and ....what is this??....hot fireman workout time?? JACKPOT. Oh...but they can see me too. Oh well. It's nice to have motivation.
I head to my fave machine that served me so well. No one else is even using the machines so I am all alone. Bliss! I get going and about 5 minutes in a really really creepy man in his 40's comes and takes the machine right next to me. Really? I am pretty sure you are supposed to take one of the other 10 free ones but I am only 1 day in and know very little gym etiquette as I mentioned before. Ewww. I listen to my ipod and try to not notice he is there. Then a smaller Asian man comes and takes the machine on my other side. GREAT. I seriously almost go and grab another machine since there are now 7 off to the side with no-one.
About 3 minutes later my nose starts to twitch. I wiggle it and take a deep breath in and realize it was signaling a smell alert. My new Asian friend is apparently sweating soy sauce or some other gross smell(insert racial slur here). Fab. I try to not start gagging as time passes and it only gets worse. To my joy, he only strides for a few minutes till it proves too much and he goes to bike. Older man also leaves after only 15 minutes. Finally. I look to my side and a super hot fireman type is now striding. I stop my machine and decide since there is so much eye candy today I should maybe stay a little longer and use the weight machines there instead of my hand weights at home. Can you feel the tingling sensation of a bad decision about to happen?? I can!
I use some kind of shoulder stretching thingy(I'm sure I knew the names in high school when I used machines but whatever). Then I move on to the arm curl(oooh lala I know one). I see a lady positioned on the instructions where it says to adjust the platform till your elbows turn at the same level as the machine bends at. Hrm. I can adjust the platform up and down but I am having some difficulty getting it to match my elbows no matter what I do. I start trying to do some reps and as I feel myself being heaved forward I realize...Boobs. That is the factor they are not including in the adjustment. The platform cannot be made any shorter. I cannot get any closer to the weights across the platform. My spectacular rack is now preventing me from getting anywhere near the correct position. What misogynistic gay troll invented this machine and put a woman ON THE INSTRUCTIONS and didn't realize women have some chest-related space issues?? I don't want to embarrass myself by walking away as a few people were looking at me like I might need help(in a condescending guitar center fashion)so I do the best I can for 3 sets of 10 and then walk away. I went home that night and felt fine.
I woke up in time for work the next night and realized my arms and especially my elbows were killing me. They were super tight. I thought to myself I will warm them up at work lifting babies and everything will be fine. By midnight at work, one of my arms was not locked in a 90 degree angle and needed a sling and the other more at a 30 degree angle. I felt like Randy from A Christmas Story. "I can't straighten my ARMS!!!" I cried. Being at a hospital, but lacking a sling I carried my worse arm with my bad arm all night. The pain and inability to straighten my arms continued for three days.
Moral of the story - Stick to your home hand weights and don't use machines that look like they were made as medieval instruments of torture and entrapment akin to the "rack". Racks and racks don't mix.
Ok friends, after a loooong hiatus I think I am back in the saddle again. Or on a completely new saddle to be accurate. I have a new ebay impulse purchase buddy. Meet Mini pronounced "meee-neeee" my new couch buddy.
She is lovely, sleek, and was selling ridiculously cheap on ebay because someone did not appreciate her. I felt her pain.
Now Mini and I are able to sit on my couch and get all kinds of things done while I catch up on DVR or am too lazy to sit at my desk. Tonight I did 3 indexing projects while watching the ice dancing free skate. Previously I would have gotten nothing done.
I hope this is the beginning of many posts to come. I need to write as a part of my innate erica-ness. Otherwise some poor sap has to listen to me talk this all out. And then I will still feel like I should have written. What if I come up with some amazing Julie/Julia type blogging idea? I best write my brialliance down.
I realize I haven't blogged in quite a while. I've been a busy little bee on my few days off. After spending a lot of time on the computer at work the last thing I want to do lately is get on my computer at home. But you know something would have to inspire me after a while...if only to use my blog to vent.
Upon meeting a person for the first time let me just give a general recommendation. Do not ask WHY they don't have kids.
What could you possibly imagine would be a positive outcome from this question? The only possible responses:
1) I don't want to have kids (ie they don't like kids- let's hope not in my profession)
2) I am physically unable to have kids or trying unsuccessfully
3) I'm single
The best part of this whole thing.......It's not anyone's business why ANYONE doesn't have kids unless they are a close friend and it's shared with them willingly. The fact that I keep on repetitively getting asked this question lately is freaking ridiculous.
Now I understand....I am a pediatric nurse. Moms generally do ask if I have kids of my own at home. I say no.....and they MOVE ON. I can't believe more and more people think it's OK to ask why!!!
I mean....imagine if my answer WAS infertility or something tragic. Are you really prepared to deal with my raw emotions 5 minutes after we meet if I say "I CAN'T HAVE BABIES OF MY OWN! WAAAAHHHHHHH!" and start bawling. Or just quietly tear up.
I always say I don't have any kids right now because I'm single but I plan to have a family some day. I think that's a nice answer to a RUDE RUDE question. But au contraire mon freres. Rude people can't stop there.
"What does being single have anything to do with it? "
"Why don't you just get married then?"
"Why do you think you need a "relationship" to have kids if you really wanted them?"
And with the greatness going on at my work lately parents and guests can be as rude as they wanna be and there's nothing I can do about it or somehow it will all come back on me.
I don't even know how to give a non-rude response to that kind of stuff. I mean anything I can say back to them in response to that makes it look like I'm judging them(The unmarried moms and dads and guests are always the ones asking me all this). Which I don't care about but they bring the topic up and then force me into a corner where all I can do is just say it:
"I believe in marriage before kids"
"I can't force getting married."
I had one woman (illegal alien of course) telling me you have kids just cause you want them and the whole man part is optional and I had everything all wrong. I should just have babies and everything in the government is made to help take care of me. I wanted to SLAP her. On so many levels. (Goodbye tax dollars.. nice knowing you! wheeeeee!)
So anyways... What a fun topic.
These conversations lately have been about as fun as the ones where people ask why I'm not married or why aren't you dating that guy? I love love love getting to point out my own undesirability every time. It's like a instant emotional transport to the debbie downer depression level of Eeyore.
You can imagine a great house party and sparkling conversation and then some idiot asks the dreaded question and instantly I've gone from Pink starting the party to a Donkey on Lexapro "Nobody wants me. I'm all alone. That's why. Now someone pin on my tail again and I'll go float down the river."
Ok venting over. Deep cleansing breaths. I'll try to post a house blog soon after I get the keys next week so I can show all my DIY projects.
I was thinking today about words that sound just like what they are.
For instance:
Delectable
Putrid
Crust
Splurge
Colostomy
Swamp
Fiasco
Squelch
WickedTickets
Just to name a few.... and of course I can't remember the one word that made me start thinking of this topic. CURSES!!
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Thanks to Kristen for the idea using Kitty. Roxy is now sporting the "Kate". Now she just needs to have a litter.
The Tale of the Desperate Encounter of E-Shizzle, TinyK, Peanut and Pooh
Friday, July 17, 2009 | Labels: A Day in E's Life, Fairy TalesSubmitted for your reading pleasure......
The Tale of the Desperate Encounter of E-Shizzle, TinyK, Peanut and Pooh
On the blessed occasion of the one score and a half plus one Birthday of E-Shizzle, She and TinyK headed off to Hurricane Holla...I mean Harbor for a day of fun in the sun.
E-Shizzle was garbed in her new black bathing suit with little ruffles around the bosoms. And an extra panel sewn in for the small children in the viewing public. She was also wearing a pair of men's board shorts for her own comfort and security. As her fat was not yet tan or toned it needed to be covered.
TinyK was her usual cute and skinny self in her cute suit. And expensive but useless sunscreen. But I digress.
Both lovely ladies made it to the park and had the most charming time riding the rides and burning the @#$ out of their feet. Nachos, Chicken strips, Strawberry Daquiris. Oh my!
And Oh! the people watching. They were having a great time. Since the criminals who manage the park made certain rides open late, the girls were happy when one of their faves was finally open for business. The girls ran, and ran, and walked fast, and ...gasp.....trudged, then dragged up the stairs to the ride. As they almost made it to the top they heard a voice behind them.
"Do you ladies know if this ride is scary?"
E-Shizzle and TinyK looked at each other. Uh. what?
E-Shizzle answered "It's not as bad as Geronimo. There's an 8yr old in front of us riding it. I think you'll be fine"
A fine young black man approached her. "My name's Peanut and this is my man Pooh. "
E-Shizzle and TinyK tried to contain their hysteria.
"Me and Pooh came up here and rented a hotel for a while and got passes to Six Flags and Hurricane Harbor to have fun going back and forth for a while. So where are you ladies from? Do you have plans tonight?"
Pooh looked on disinterestedly like he'd seen Peanut rejected many times before. Pooh also had some unfortunate man-grooming issues that should have been resolved before removing his shirt, so maybe he was just anticipating rejection for himself.
Tiny K answered and said "We're from Richardson and it's my sister's birthday so we have to go home early for a family dinner party", the lie pouring forth like water from a tube chute.
Peanut replied" Are you sure you can't come party with us at the hotel?"
E- Shizzle said "Sorry but no thanks."
Peanut then counter offered " It's your birthday. I promise I can make it special"
OH NO HE DI'ENT!!!
TinyK at this point says "How old are you guys? " hoping of course that she can tell them to try with girls their own age.
Peanut says " Well I'm thirty. How old are you two?"
FOILED AGAIN!! Tiny K says in a depressed little voice "I'm 26 and my sister is turning 31 today" to which Peanut replies " So we are just the right ages!!"
So TinyK pulls out the big guns and quickly says into the awkward silence(in a strangely loud voice)"I have a boyfriend."
E-Shizzle thinks to herself. Wow. That sounds believable.
Peanut says" Oh, well we should still party sometime. How can I get y'all's numbers?"
E-Shizzle and TinyK look at each other like how can this man be any more desperate? And yet Peanut wasn't bad looking. Sad.
TinyK says" Ummm we're all at Hurricane Harbor. It's not like anyone has a phone or a pen with them in their bathing suit. Sorry."
At this point even Pooh is getting annoyed. Pooh makes some "Oh well! and Darn maybe next time" type gestures and mutters and tries to shuffle off.
Peanut is not one to give up though. " Really? How am I gonna get your numbers? This is so annoying."
At this point E-Shizzle is totally enjoying keeping quiet and hearing what crap TinyK will say next.
"There's really no way you CAN get our numbers. OH WELL" Says TinyK in a very final way.
Peanut then awkwardly turns to face the oncoming ride. " So you're sure this ride isn't too scary?" Pooh snorts.
And E-Shizzle and Tiny K hope that by the time they reach the bottom of the slide they will once again be free to roam the park sans desperate Peanut and Pooh. But oh the story they will have to tell their friends.......
Little did Peanut know, but he did make E-Shizzle's birthday special.
