After a loooong break due to work and school, I give you readers a tale of woe, misery and dry heaving.....the Tale of E and the Friend Date.
E was not dating much (#dying alone) so when she was asked on a friend date, she was overjoyed. Not only was the date referred to as a "date"in the asking, it involved dinner and then concert tickets. Legit. He forked out yo.
E was a bit wary as it was approximately a billion degrees outside in the Texas summer heat, but she figured she could try to rock that dewy glow. Or whatever....every other female there would be dripping in sweat too so no one would have room to judge. She still bought a cute outfit and was ready at the door on time for a fun night out. As she and her date zipped away he leaned over her and reached to roll down her window. She was puzzled. "I don't need the window down, but thanks!" she said. And Mr. Date gave an ominous reply " The air conditioner on my car is broken, but it's fine. I'm used to the heat." E urgently shrieked "But we can take my car!!! Please!! We're only a few blocks away and it's HOT!!" Mr. Date smiled. "No. I want to drive my car. It's fine with the windows down." But it wasn't. Clearly he was very concerned for her comfort. (Editor's note: This tale is narrated by Vincent Price in case that wasn't clear)
They arrived to the dinner/concert location. She was already covered in sweat and feeling ill. They walked to a food festival a bit down the road with tons of local restaurants selling their best menu items. He had already paid their entry to the festival. Yummy! But alas.....he did not intend to fork out for purchasing any food. He thought it was all free with entry. She tried to look for free samples and cheaper items. E offered to pay for their food, but received a gruff "No I already PAID, we can find something!" in reply. Eventually he bought them each an item and they sat to eat. E needed a break. She was about to start dry heaving from heat exhaustion and it was only 90 minutes in to the date. She said "Mr. Date, I need to use the restroom, back in a minute!" and she headed to the public restrooms about 20 feet from where they were sitting. She gave her self a "You can do this, you won't die from one date" pep talk in the bathroom. No water fountains. Ugh. She washed her hands and blotted her face. So sweaty!!! Why did she even try!!Why buy a new outfit for a friggin friend? And she looked like a drowned rat at this point from the sweating!!
She took a deep breath and walked out. Mr. Date was not in their seats. Odd. She began to walk to their "spot" only to hear "HEY" from behind her. He had waited at the bathroom door. Her skin began to crawl. Maybe that would be gentlemanly to some but it felt like there was no escaping him even for a moment. The bathroom was literally feet from their table, In sight. Shudder. It was all becoming a bit weird now too. Maybe she was going crazy from the heat. Maybe it was the opposite of stockholm syndrome. Maybe her heat stroke was making her view an innocent man as her evil captor. Who knows? The heat does things to your mind.
They began to head over to the concert. E was wilting. The 100+ degree heat was melting her. And she has just eaten some food but with no drink. She mentioned to Mr. Date," I am dying for a cold drink. It's super hot out!" He told her buying drinks was a waste of money. They continued walking to the concert when he stopped her and said" I hope you don't mind sitting on grass." She was puzzled. " You told me we had lawn seats so I am fine with it." "NO" he said. "I mean actually sitting on the grass. I left the blanket in the car and I don't want to go get it." E's smile froze. That lawn was famous for being inundated with puke and beer on a nightly basis. "Mr. Date, I don't really want to sit on that grass if the blanket is here. I can wait for you to go get it." "Well then, WE can go get it." And so E psyched herself up for 30 more minutes of walking in the Saharan heat. When they reached the car he opened the trunk only to exclaim in delight " Look! I found some water bottles I forgot I had! It may be hot but now I don't have to buy us anything!" E looked on in horror. "But but....that water is HOT!" "It's fine and it's free" he said. They walked back. By now her feet were beginning to blister from the heat of all the walking on pavement, burning and melting through her sandals. Owwwie!!
They entered the concert and he quickly guided her past all of the vendors hawking cold drinks and food. Heaven forbid she get a cold drink that night! They sat. She began to pray the sun would go down so she could cool off. Mr. Date chugged his hot water, She opened hers to give it a try. NOPE. Gag reflex blocked the attempt. It was not gonna happen or it would come back out.
The concert started. The opening act was great. Mr. Date took off his shoes. She kicked off her sandals. He moved his legs in to sit with them crossed and started to "Oh NO...What the.....No No No....Don't gag! Don't gag" PICK THE DEAD SKIN CHUNKS OFF THE BOTTOM OF HIS FEET. She looked away. She swallowed deeply a few times to try to get control. She thought about running away. Nope he'd follow her if she tried a bathroom excuse. Could she just run and call someone? Maybe she could talk to him like a personal date coach and say "Mr. Date, that is a level of unacceptable that I never thought I would encounter. When you take a woman out you need to not groom your feet. OK? " Nope. She couldn't even. She didn't know how to say "Gross Dude" and remain friends. So she sucked it up. She tried to focus on the concert, but he started to try to reach for her hand. She shuffled farther away on the blanket. He lay down in a different position and casually reached again. She was basically off the blanket at this point. This poor guy did not have a clue.
The sun set and a night full of stars came into view. The temperature came down mercifully. Other couples on dates began to enter after the first act and the women all looked fresh and lovely and had beautiful wavy locks that were in stark contrast to E's wet rat look. She tried to fluff her mangled sweaty hair, but finally gave up. She was sure she was a super stunner. Perfect.
As the temp continued to decrease E was feeling more herself again. They stood for the main act of the concert with the rest of the crowd. Suddenly two men began running through the crowd behind E and Mr. Date. A thief maybe? .......and a security guard. The thief was running at top speed downhill and bumped into them from behind. The thief turned and ran off at a different angle down the hill. Mr. Date and E started to turn to see what had hit them when the security guard still running in their direction lost his balance. To keep upright and to change direction to the thief's new path, the guard sucker punched E right in the bicep. She looked at him in shock as he ran off without even a word. Other people in the crowd looked at her with big eyes and open mouths. " I just got punched!" E said. "I can't believe he sucker punched me!" "I know!" Mr. Date said, "I got bumped around!" E's shocked face changed into her what the heck is wrong with you face. "But.....I got punched." "I know" he repeated. "Those guys just smashed into all of us in the crowd." E was now pretty much disgusted. She was about to run after them on her own behalf to demand an apology. (Editor's note: This is the point where E's dad says she should have asked for a cold drink.....for her arm)
She stood there stunned for the rest of the concert cradling her arm. They drove home. He wanted to use her bathroom. Of course. She let him use Slim K's. He would not freaking leave. He tried to make a move on her again and her puppy SpazMila attacked in her puppy way. She growled and tried to jump into mommy's arms for a hug. When a 65 pound fluff jumps at her mom to protect her, it pretty much seems like as assassination attempt regardless. And finally Mr. Date left. And E sighed with relief. And vowed never ever ever to go on a friend date again. Like ever.
The Tale of E and the Friend Date
Monday, September 29, 2014 | Labels: A Day in E's Life, Bad Ideas, Funny, Men, Woe is MeOur poor friend E.
After a productive year of weight loss, E had recently began chunking out due to some health problems. Bummer. After a month or two of contemplating the best way to get in better shape, E went for a fun night out with Slim K at a local roller rink. Despite skates that were like homeless men's shoes affixed with dental wire to broken grocery cart wheels that veer to one side, E and K burnt up that rink with their smooth moves.
E thought to herself at the end of the night. My! I sure do like skating alot. And it's way more fun than running or using the elliptical. I wonder how awesome I could be at skating if I actually had real roller skates and practiced?
Visions of herself in derby gear floated through her head. Like Ellen Page in Whip It, she would race through the streets of her neighborhood, gaining confidence and skill. She would then be so awesome she would be spotted at a local rink and invited to join Lone Star Assassins or the Dead Kennedys where she would kick A and take names elbowing lesser skaters aside, bodies flying into beer can towers and fans in lawn chairs. Ahh. It would ROCK!!!
E carefully perused ebay for skates she could afford and eagerly awaited them in the mail. They arrived on a work day and on the first day she had off work, she had evening plans. DARN!!! But....E really wanted to try out the awesome skates. She guessed it would have to wait.
If only E had kept to this resolve.
On arriving home at 11pm.....E loving greeted her giant chihuahua shepherd, RoxMonster. She walked further into her house and saw her lovely new skates gleaming on the floor. What a thing of beauty!! Those skates NEEDED to be used. She sat on her couch and RoxMonster looked at her with pleading soft brown puppy eyes. Mommy- pweeese walk me!!!
In that instant an ingenious plan developed in E's twisted brain. It was too brilliant! E should take an inaugural skate while walking RoxMonster through her badly lit neighborhood!!!
She strapped the black and red demon skates to her unknowing feet and grabbed a leash. RoxMonster approached her and sniffed at the weird creatures attacking mommy's feet. Alien invaders!!!! E convinced the monster it was OK to proceed with the aliens and they went out the front door. E wobbled as she tried to hold RoxMonster back from the initial lunge out the door. E stepped down out of the house and turned to put the key in the lock. Finally, she turned and faced her future. She was gonna burn this neighborhood UP.
Crap. The sidewalk away from the house was all downhill and covered with mini-twigs and dirt. No problem. E just needed to get rolling. Get her groove on. RoxMonster hesitated by her side. E realized she needed to have room for her skates to push off so she shooed the monster into a trot and took off. Literally.
As E contemplated the night sky from her position on her back under a tree she saw some brilliant stars gleaming despite the city lights. Her legs felt bent in all crazy directions. She thought she felt a root sticking into her shoulder. RoxMonster quickly took advantage of the situation to climb slowly atop the heap of limbs. Her nose majestically pointed in the air, she howled her victory over the woman-hill, channeling her inner wolf-child, and letting the neighborhood dogs know she was on top. After a few moments of victory, the monster was apparently disturbed by the moaning and silent weeping interrupting her wolf-glory. RoxMonster began to bat her mommy in the face with her nose and slurped inquisitively at her cheek. Was she alive? It was hard to tell.
E used her hands to bring each skewed leg back into alignment and slowly arose. She wobbled her way back into the house, walking on the skate brakes. RoxMonster trailed behind on her leash, looking back longingly at the neighborhood, denied her victory tour.
E sat slowly on the couch, realized her tailbone was smooshed, she had scrapes everywhere, and her ankles and knees of steel had, for the the first time in her life, been minorly twisted or sprained. What the H? How could her brilliant plan have gone wrong?
It was a mystery. One that she would have ample time to solve while stuck on her couch with her tailbone making its previously faith-based existence insistently known.
Once again,Poor E.
The Adventures of Sleepy E in the PC World
Tuesday, October 19, 2010 | Labels: A Day in E's Life, Fairy TalesPoor Sleepy E. She had been working a looong shift and needed to go to help with an education class at work again the next afternoon at lunchtime. Which would allow Poor Sleepy E only 3 hours sleep max before heading out into the world to work again. The Agony!!! But alas Sleepy E's mad computer skillz had made her sign up to be an expert in new technology at her job.
As Sleepy E drove up to the Tower of Edumacation, she felt lightheaded and extremely nauseous beyond the normal. To the point that she considered getting back in her car and driving back home to have a therapeutic barf. But no. She pressed onward and arrived in the PC classroom with so many computers and new techie devices. The head teacher was so excited to see Sleepy E's arrival to help out with the class that she, a stranger, gave Sleepy E a bear hug, startling her further awake. We-eird.
Sleepy E helped to pass out all the new techie devices and handouts and saw a few friends from work that attended the class. They were all eagerly anticipating the start of class. And as it began, they learned that this was maybe not a class they should have anticipated, but dreaded. Due to the new technology you ask?? Oh no. Due to the fact that a man that was functionally illiterate/blind was in the class and could not do even one thing to follow instructions as apparently he could only see the device as a blob in his hand. As for clicking on words and making selections.....did I mention the device was just a blobby?
As the class reviewed the one series of actions they had to perform with the device to leave the class, he lay his head down on the desk with his face approximately an inch from the instructions and attempted to see the words to no avail. Sleepy E talked him through each step and was horrified as she thought to herself "What on earth does this man do at work if he literally cannot see ANYTHING?? How does he read medications, know policies, or SHUDDER.....start IV's?!?!"
All of Sleepy E's coworkers needed to stay for a 2nd part of the class that this poor man did not need. But he had to finish his practice exercise and then take a test. Yup. An online test. And they wouldn't start the second half of class until he had finished and left the room. And so Sleepy E's coworkers started to grow beards and curly fingernails as they waited in vain for this man to finish. FOREVER. But then finally the miracle of miracles happened and he was done. Hooray!
By this point poor Sleepy E was feeling so sick and awful she considered dragging a trash can around with her in case she puked. This class needed to end. STAT. Haha...a little hospital humor....I digress...Anyways, the 2nd half was about to start. And so Sleepy E handed out more equipment and sat down to wait and see if anyone needed help. But one of those moments in life, so precious and so few, was about to occur to make every agonizing moment of Sleepy E's day worthwhile.
The people in the second section of the class needed to learn some new technology for creating......Breastmilk Labels. Yes, that's right world. Breastmilk is now a friggin drug and healthcare workers need to get up in the middle of the night(for them) to take classes on label making.
Now reader......sitting next to the blind man, was a spicy older Latina nurse, now alone at her computer station for this second half. Very vocal in not understanding new technologeez. Very prone to hitting bizarre places on her screen and then screeching for help. She was absolutely sure that instead of just hitting CANCEL when reaching the wrong screen she instead needed both Sleepy E and the teacher to both come look at her scanner personally and tell her YES HIT CANCEL. Every time. And stall the class further.
So as they started the 2nd half, Sleepy E was sure it would lead to more shouts of "Just Hit CANCEL!!! For the Love!!!" The teacher began the class. 1st action.
"Click on the picture of a baby bottle. 2nd action. Scan your baby's patient ID band. This will bring up a ID screen which you read and click OK to confirm ID info for your patient. Just to be helpful the screen is Pink for Baby Girls. Blue for Baby Boys. Also class there is a Yellow Screen you may see if a baby is born with undetermined anatomy. "
At which point Latina nurse stops struggling with clicking on her scanner and looks directly at the teacher with a serious look on her face. " That is for the Baybeez Gay. "
Teacher bites her lip and says "If you say so" and continues with the Scanner instructions as if nothing was said. A better woman that Sleepy E. Taking the higher ground of just letting it go.
Meanwhile Sleepy E and a coworker turn to each other and mouth " Baybeez Gay?" And then try to hide their tears and shaking. Then Sleepy E tries to imagine how a labor and delivery would go where the baby is declared with a bad accent "Dees es un how do you say...Baybee Gay" immediately on exit of womb.
Does the baby come out with a He-ey! instead of a squeal? Does the baby's skin rash up on hospital blankies and demand Egyptian cotton with a higher thread count? Does assumed straight girl baby throw up on only the pink blankies and thus come out? Oh the possibilities are as endless as they are offensive.
And in that bright shining moment of unexpectedly offensive commentary, Sleepy E knew coming to class that day WAS worth it!!!
Another in the series of ways I torture myself on the weekends
Friday, July 9, 2010 | Labels: A Day in E's LifeSo ........I went to a speed dating activity tonight. I know what you are thinking to yourself now. Erica- why do you need to speed date when you are so fabulous? Erica-how did you fight off all the men who didn't want to leave your scintillating conversation? Erica- how do you decide who to date and who to let down after such a horde of men are introduced to you???
Friends- I write this blog to answer all your burning questions.
1. Erica why do you need to speed date when you are so fabulous?
My fabulous lifestyle lately has left me with no time to meet any fabulous men. I also watch millionaire matchmaker and wondered if I could stand up to the competition of a roomful of women. I believe Patty would be proud me. I looked good and only talked about fun things and avoided awkward questions or depressing topics when able.
Why these same men can't just talk to people at dances when they are obviously not dancing either is a mystery to me but if speed dating is what it takes, so be it.
2. Erica how do you fight off all the men who don't want to leave your scintillating conversation?
First we are assuming it's not just me talking. I could talk forever as we all know. I was however limited to four minutes. Fortunately there were many amazing conversationalists besides myself and you are about to reap the benefits of conversational tidbits heard around the room.
After a warning NOT to ask stupid questions like "what animal would you be?" in the dating intro......
What inner animal are you? I am half hawk and half zebra. (Which half is which? is my question)
Do you believe in love at first sight?(Not now)
Did you know I drove all the way from Waco to do this?(my dad's comment- so you had to get away from where the locals knew your MO?)
A lady asks...So what do you do? I'm a carpenter.....like my older brother(said with gravity and reverence)
Do you like children?(no I'm a pediatric nurse because I hate kids)
You're a pediatric icu nurse? How do you feel when babies die? (Like I should have taken my lunch before their vitals started crashing....it makes me sad too duh!!!) I heard that one multiple times if you can believe it.
And then this gem.....
So what do you do? I'm a pediatric cardiac nurse. Oh.....my heart is in the medical field and I got into nursing school but I never went. Really, why? Well no offense, but my mom told me I was smart enough to be a doctor. Oh...so you're a doctor? No I'm a software engineer. I had my first son and decided to drop out. (CRICKETS).......So you DO know that there are reasons to be a nurse and not a doctor that have nothing to do with brains. I don't understand why you wouldn't want to be a doctor if you were smart enough. I wanted to care for people instead of diagnosing people and walking away. I only changed my mind because the schooling took too long. I'd still like to tell people what's wrong with them. (stifling sarcastic comment/laughter) Well I just want to take care of sick people so that's why I'm a nurse. AND SCENE
3. Erica how do you decide who to date and who to let down after such a horde of men are introduced to you?
It's actually pretty easy. First we eliminate like the first 10 men I talked to because they were over 50 and were supposed to be in a different dating circle but when no women showed in the bad weather they told them to join the young circle. WHAAATTTT??!!! And they did. In a long line starting with me and my friends and wasting an hour of hour time talking to men with grandchildren. AND yet they still would visibly cross us off their dating list as certain points in the conversation. I was all GRAMPS I WAS NEVER AN OPTION!!! But I digress. Then we finally get to the men in their 40's divorced with grown children. After talking to gramps these seemed more like an option. But they were figuring out their careers still or wanted us women to have exotic and interesting hobbies and then made faces at them like our hobbies were not up to par......and when asked their hobbies said spending time with my kids. Really? Your only interest? We'll have that in common then.
Oh, one told me he was disappointed I was so young and didn't play sports regularly. Ewwwwwwww.
Then we move on to the men my own age.....oh no wait. .....we don't. They never made it around the circle to us. SO we still don"t know any men our own age or even close. FAB. What a productive way to spend my time.
So if we count all the men who I talked to charmingly and asked for my number at the end we come to a grand total of ZERO. And my other friends ZERO. The Zebra/Hawk asked to Facebook us all which totally does not count.
And I forgot my favorite Hot Pink Super Huge Bowl at the activity in my haste to get the %$$% out of Dodge by that point. Poo. I loved that bowl.
As of Friday I am officially on a "for reals" big girl diet. The first real diet in my life. I don't count the sabotage diet used while living with my grandma to avoid being stuffed like a turkey.
I am scared. I am much more well adjusted today than the two previous days. I thought at many points I was gonna die. I wasn't hungry so much as lightheaded and headachey. I am sure my body was withdrawing from chocolate or pasta. Today I am much better. I also went to a potluck where I kind of had no choice but to cheat a little just cause I had nothing to eat. I didn't have dessert though so that was something. I don't think anyone even brought an item that didn't have cream of mushroom soup in it in some way. Except the desserts.
Some of you may be asking yourself.....dude.....why can't you just start eating better- dieting is unrealistic. My counterpoint- I tried eating better consciously and I lost like 2 pounds in a month. And probably gained it all back again with one pasta breakdown. I want to lose a significant amount of weight and 1 or 2 pounds a month just ain't gonna do it.
Plus I figured that if I join a center and have some accountability I will be more likely to succeed. I also like the idea of having some easy food ready to go instead of doing all the grocery shopping. And I am treating this like something I better get my money out of and that I will treat like a prescription for health. I follow medical instructions for pills and stuff. Why can't I treat this like a prescription? I spend time and effort on so many dumb things. I have decided to use my time and money to get my body more fit and healthy. I feel like I am always getting sick. I want to see if losing weight has any effect on that too.
Part of the plan is to stay with a counselor for a full year learning how to maintain your weight when you incorporate all the normal foods back into your diet after you've lost the weight. I guess there will still be someone there to make sure I don't go hog wild. I don't think I will. I maintained my weight just fine before. Until Nursing. And endless drive through and cafeteria food.
So anyways. This is my official announcement. Me on a diet. Weird. Be mean to me if I even consider cheating. You have my permission.
Inside the KS Acting Studio - Paypal Accepted
Monday, March 22, 2010 | Labels: Books, Honing my Craft, Movies
E was a good cook. This was a fact she knew like breathing in or breathing out. Not to be a conceited pain about it, but it is important to the telling of today's tale. E came from a family of good cooks who were constantly asked to bring labor intensive favorites to people's parties or to host dinner for holidays. E also learned very early on that she would make using the word "NO" an important part of her vocab so as not to get stuck making yummy treats on call for people all the time. She only wanted to cook for fun.
All this being said, E really loved to try new dishes. As a single girl she made desserts to take to events a lot, but didn't have much opportunity for entrees as she was normally cooking for herself(and no, I'm not crying..I'm just chopping onions to make a lasagna....for one)
E's dad's birthday was coming up(we shall call him Cheney). Cheney expressed no birthday present desires. NONE. She had already bought him every conceivable type of clothing this past year and even resorted to a theme for father's day of As-Seen-On-TV due to the options drying up. E suggested shopping at Kohl's. Cheney didn't need more clothes. No gun accessories. No garage gadgets or tools. E bought his some exotic soda and mustard but was stumped and needing something to up the ante and give something better than condiments and a six-pack.
For an extended length of time E had been telling Cheney to go and eat at Blue Mesa and try a delicious corn based dish. Cheney rarely ate out beyond the staples surrounding the family casa and had not yet ventured to try her suggestion. Suddenly E had a brilliant idea! What if there was a restaurant cheater website with Blue Mesa dishes??? She could bring Blue Mesa to Cheney and rock his palate with something yummy and new!
E quickly got onto the interweb and found that Blue Mesa itself had a website with recipes of favorites. E saw a personal fave- the Adobe Pie! YUMMM!! She found a few other websites with "stolen" Blue Mesa recipes and they all seemed to have quite different ingredients but that did not phase E, she would go for the difficult and authentic original.
After a trip to Central Market, and many stops to buy the "Standard" size of ramekin which apparently is NOT standard, E began her prep. She cooked chicken and mixed it with a green chile pesto and pico and prepared to use it to stuff her pies the next day.
Late Sunday afternoon E began her adventure with the main ingredient. Masa. A spanish corn flour made of corn kernels soaked in lime juice and then ground up.
The masa was mixed into a lovely dough with butter and baking soda salt and chicken stock. E used the masa to line the ramekins and then filled them and layered more masa on top. The ramekins looked pretty but E looked at the masa and thought to herself....I wonder how this becomes the lovely fluffy corn pie I remember from the restaurant. Little did she know.......
At the dramatic unveiling of the ramekins from their hot water bath, the hopes were high and the smell was delicious. The ramekins were flipped out onto plates and the lovely golden corn pies were ready to eat. E picked up her fork and dug in.
Cough Cough. BIG DRINK OF WATER. Wow!! Those corn pies were a little dry! And not in ANY way like the corn pie they served at the restaurant. E scooped a little sour cream onto her pie. Took another bite.
Chew Chew. Cough. Blech! It's like eating straight cornmeal! Somehow Blue Mesa had created a recipe that rivaled the feeling of shredded wheat stuck in your gullet. Score! And the corn powder-ey-ness was so overwhelming that it covered up the taste of the super yummy chicken and pesto. Grrrrrrr!
E's parents assured her it was delicious, but both left 90% of the corn on their plates. Riiiiight.
E looked at the recipe and she had done everything correctly. Blue Mesa had seriously sabotaged their own recipe to make sure no one could cook it the same. JERKS!!! On the recipe stealer websites crisco and cream and other delightfully bad for you ingredients were included in the corn masa dough. I wonder how it disappeared off of Blue Mesa's recipe?? Must be those magical internet recipe fairies that ruin the allrecipes and chefs.com recipes. OH WAIT. Those all turn out.
E vowed then and there that she would write about what dirty special event ruining rat-bastards the Blue Mesa website people are and warn all others that their recipes are CRAP.
E was just overjoyed that she had been able to talk up a recipe for a year and then serve Cheney a mouthful of dry cornflour. What a perfect birthday gift. Thank you Blue Mesa for making it possible.
The only good thing about the meal was that even the small amount of corn flour you couldn't avoid eating with the chicken filled you up for HOURS ON END. Maybe this recipe has diet potential for both an easy fast fill up and turning you off of food for life.
Delightful.
I looked at my google analytics today and saw that I have a bunch of readers in Germany. Hrm. I don't know anyone in Germany so I am wondering if they speak German and this blog translates or if it's people who speak English or if it's military linked to Rammstein or something. If this is you please comment cause I'm fascinated.
Today's post my bloggy friends is about going "lady commando" aka bra-less. I know what you are all thinking....Yay! Erica's going to write a blog on boobs!
Let the fun commence. I have been working on putting in a tile backsplash in my kitchen. After training at work yesterday I put on my jammies and began the gross and horrible task of grouting the tile. It was even more awful than I could have imagined. I was about a third of the way through when I realized I would probably need another container of grout. It was 8:15 pm. I would need to make a quick run to Home Depot before they closed.
Here is where the critical decision was made. I was in jammies that were basically sweatpants and a tee. Why change? Yes I had taken off the bra for comfort but why go to the hassle of putting it back on just for home depot? I mean I would be in there 5 minutes max. And I was thinking ahead. I would put on a jacket to further cover up. No prob.
So I headed out with my fleece encased girls and walked in with a box of extra tile to return in my arms. The man at the return desk declined to help me and made me go to the service desk. Jerk. So I returned my tile and went and got more grout. As I walked down the main stretch to self-checkout suddenly JERK is back and in a very artificially cheery voice he asks how he can help me.
Waaaaaait. Weren't you the jerk who refused to help me? Suddenly all the paranoid thinking begins.....OH CRAP I had a box in front of me before. Is he suddenly being helpful because the has eyes with fleece-removing tractor beam vision? Was I walking with too much.....jiggle for my jacket to disguise?
In all likelihood the Jerk saw nothing but going lady commando made me so paranoid I was taught the valuable lesson to never do so again unless I wear a sumo suit or something.
Being lazy was just not worth the mental torture. I am just not a girl who was meant to be "free" .
Just a few thoughts on dieting (eating less drive thru crap is the real plan)....Since I didn't start the day off feeling particularly starved or about to jump off the wagon, what happened to change that?
1) I am really in the mood for some strawberries. I have none. I seem to want to try a little of everything to see if it fills the need. Nope. I still want some strawberries. I am also too lazy to go to the store today and need to paint like...now.
2) Watching the food network is just a bad bad bad idea. I turned it on so my mom could watch something she likes while she was over and it just happened to be Throwdown with Bobby Flay and the challenge was for CHICKEN POT PIES. I think the sight of a golden puff pasty crust and herbs gently floating in a light cream sauce over smoked chicken and pearl onions was the clincher. BAD IDEA.
3) When trying to eat healthier do not buy Easter candy for other people that is supposed to sit around until Easter. Why hello Russell Stovers brownie egg....fancy meeting you here in my otherwise healthy pantry....
4) DO not have your parents order out for better food cause your stuff isn't appealing to them and they are becoming addicted to your local pizza joint as much as you are. MEAN MEAN parents!!!
5) Do not justify to yourself that you just ate dinner at breakfast time so maybe you should add a blueberry eggo or 2 to your meal to make it breakfasty.
6) If your Special K cereal sounds good to you at the moment just eat it cause if you wait an hour you will change your mind and want mac and cheese or pancakes or french bread pizza or all three. I don't know how many times I could have gotten by with the bowl of cereal if I had just eaten it when I first thought of it.
OK that is all for now. I am sure no one cares to hear about this but I need to remind myself.
I recently joined a local 24 hr fitness now that I am permanently located somewhere it's about time. Oh the fun that has ensued. People should pretend to work out and just people watch. I have been missing out in my apartment gyms all these years.
Day 1-
Arrive at gym. View that there are approximately 200 seemingly fit people there working out. Choose to try the most physically challenging looking cardio there because I am a hard A##.
As I put my feet in the safety pedals look to my side and see an incredibly anorexic girl working out with a time spent of 56 minutes. She is also "striding" with an effort and speed that I would only use if escaping an onrushing lava flow. Holy crap.
No worries, I start my workout and have a respectable speed and calorie burn. I am not in a competition. No wait, maybe I am. As anorexic girl's machine times 60:00 she slows down finally, then looks at my machine. I am four minutes in. Whoopty do. She looks up at me then back at my machine. I am not sure what the gym etiquette is for a polite way to say "Step Off B before I show you just how heavy my fist is" so I keep my thoughts to myself. She gets back on her machine and starts up. She lasts for thirty more minutes as I burn calories with a forced smile on my face and try to torture her to death. I don't sweat alot just as a part of my viking genes so I have a red face but still am as dry and cool as an Irish glen while she looks like she's in the final throes of malaria. Take that! Finally after those thirty extra minutes she steps down, looks at my machine again and walks away. Defeated. YEAH THAT'S RIGHT!! DEFEATED!! OK maybe she had an hour on me but she couldn't outlast me like she planned. I guess she had no extra fat reserves for energy in emergencies. It must be sad to be skinny.
I keep striding like the beast I am. Yeah!! I WIN!! And to prove it I kept on striding for one whole minute longer than it took her to walk down the stairs to the locker room. That's right B. Fat girl strode for like 2 whole minutes longer than you once the challenge began. I then exercised my arms and legs on the various machines to delay going into the locker room and make her think I had really kept striding even longer. Because fat girls are better at games too. Except maybe dodge ball. Then they may have the advantage at dodging.
Day 2 - After debacle of working out with the spartan army on Saturday afternoon I choose to return at 2pm on a weekday. I walk in to many open machines and ....what is this??....hot fireman workout time?? JACKPOT. Oh...but they can see me too. Oh well. It's nice to have motivation.
I head to my fave machine that served me so well. No one else is even using the machines so I am all alone. Bliss! I get going and about 5 minutes in a really really creepy man in his 40's comes and takes the machine right next to me. Really? I am pretty sure you are supposed to take one of the other 10 free ones but I am only 1 day in and know very little gym etiquette as I mentioned before. Ewww. I listen to my ipod and try to not notice he is there. Then a smaller Asian man comes and takes the machine on my other side. GREAT. I seriously almost go and grab another machine since there are now 7 off to the side with no-one.
About 3 minutes later my nose starts to twitch. I wiggle it and take a deep breath in and realize it was signaling a smell alert. My new Asian friend is apparently sweating soy sauce or some other gross smell(insert racial slur here). Fab. I try to not start gagging as time passes and it only gets worse. To my joy, he only strides for a few minutes till it proves too much and he goes to bike. Older man also leaves after only 15 minutes. Finally. I look to my side and a super hot fireman type is now striding. I stop my machine and decide since there is so much eye candy today I should maybe stay a little longer and use the weight machines there instead of my hand weights at home. Can you feel the tingling sensation of a bad decision about to happen?? I can!
I use some kind of shoulder stretching thingy(I'm sure I knew the names in high school when I used machines but whatever). Then I move on to the arm curl(oooh lala I know one). I see a lady positioned on the instructions where it says to adjust the platform till your elbows turn at the same level as the machine bends at. Hrm. I can adjust the platform up and down but I am having some difficulty getting it to match my elbows no matter what I do. I start trying to do some reps and as I feel myself being heaved forward I realize...Boobs. That is the factor they are not including in the adjustment. The platform cannot be made any shorter. I cannot get any closer to the weights across the platform. My spectacular rack is now preventing me from getting anywhere near the correct position. What misogynistic gay troll invented this machine and put a woman ON THE INSTRUCTIONS and didn't realize women have some chest-related space issues?? I don't want to embarrass myself by walking away as a few people were looking at me like I might need help(in a condescending guitar center fashion)so I do the best I can for 3 sets of 10 and then walk away. I went home that night and felt fine.
I woke up in time for work the next night and realized my arms and especially my elbows were killing me. They were super tight. I thought to myself I will warm them up at work lifting babies and everything will be fine. By midnight at work, one of my arms was not locked in a 90 degree angle and needed a sling and the other more at a 30 degree angle. I felt like Randy from A Christmas Story. "I can't straighten my ARMS!!!" I cried. Being at a hospital, but lacking a sling I carried my worse arm with my bad arm all night. The pain and inability to straighten my arms continued for three days.
Moral of the story - Stick to your home hand weights and don't use machines that look like they were made as medieval instruments of torture and entrapment akin to the "rack". Racks and racks don't mix.
Ok friends, after a loooong hiatus I think I am back in the saddle again. Or on a completely new saddle to be accurate. I have a new ebay impulse purchase buddy. Meet Mini pronounced "meee-neeee" my new couch buddy.
She is lovely, sleek, and was selling ridiculously cheap on ebay because someone did not appreciate her. I felt her pain.
Now Mini and I are able to sit on my couch and get all kinds of things done while I catch up on DVR or am too lazy to sit at my desk. Tonight I did 3 indexing projects while watching the ice dancing free skate. Previously I would have gotten nothing done.
I hope this is the beginning of many posts to come. I need to write as a part of my innate erica-ness. Otherwise some poor sap has to listen to me talk this all out. And then I will still feel like I should have written. What if I come up with some amazing Julie/Julia type blogging idea? I best write my brialliance down.
I realize I haven't blogged in quite a while. I've been a busy little bee on my few days off. After spending a lot of time on the computer at work the last thing I want to do lately is get on my computer at home. But you know something would have to inspire me after a while...if only to use my blog to vent.
Upon meeting a person for the first time let me just give a general recommendation. Do not ask WHY they don't have kids.
What could you possibly imagine would be a positive outcome from this question? The only possible responses:
1) I don't want to have kids (ie they don't like kids- let's hope not in my profession)
2) I am physically unable to have kids or trying unsuccessfully
3) I'm single
The best part of this whole thing.......It's not anyone's business why ANYONE doesn't have kids unless they are a close friend and it's shared with them willingly. The fact that I keep on repetitively getting asked this question lately is freaking ridiculous.
Now I understand....I am a pediatric nurse. Moms generally do ask if I have kids of my own at home. I say no.....and they MOVE ON. I can't believe more and more people think it's OK to ask why!!!
I mean....imagine if my answer WAS infertility or something tragic. Are you really prepared to deal with my raw emotions 5 minutes after we meet if I say "I CAN'T HAVE BABIES OF MY OWN! WAAAAHHHHHHH!" and start bawling. Or just quietly tear up.
I always say I don't have any kids right now because I'm single but I plan to have a family some day. I think that's a nice answer to a RUDE RUDE question. But au contraire mon freres. Rude people can't stop there.
"What does being single have anything to do with it? "
"Why don't you just get married then?"
"Why do you think you need a "relationship" to have kids if you really wanted them?"
And with the greatness going on at my work lately parents and guests can be as rude as they wanna be and there's nothing I can do about it or somehow it will all come back on me.
I don't even know how to give a non-rude response to that kind of stuff. I mean anything I can say back to them in response to that makes it look like I'm judging them(The unmarried moms and dads and guests are always the ones asking me all this). Which I don't care about but they bring the topic up and then force me into a corner where all I can do is just say it:
"I believe in marriage before kids"
"I can't force getting married."
I had one woman (illegal alien of course) telling me you have kids just cause you want them and the whole man part is optional and I had everything all wrong. I should just have babies and everything in the government is made to help take care of me. I wanted to SLAP her. On so many levels. (Goodbye tax dollars.. nice knowing you! wheeeeee!)
So anyways... What a fun topic.
These conversations lately have been about as fun as the ones where people ask why I'm not married or why aren't you dating that guy? I love love love getting to point out my own undesirability every time. It's like a instant emotional transport to the debbie downer depression level of Eeyore.
You can imagine a great house party and sparkling conversation and then some idiot asks the dreaded question and instantly I've gone from Pink starting the party to a Donkey on Lexapro "Nobody wants me. I'm all alone. That's why. Now someone pin on my tail again and I'll go float down the river."
Ok venting over. Deep cleansing breaths. I'll try to post a house blog soon after I get the keys next week so I can show all my DIY projects.
I was thinking today about words that sound just like what they are.
For instance:
Delectable
Putrid
Crust
Splurge
Colostomy
Swamp
Fiasco
Squelch
WickedTickets
Just to name a few.... and of course I can't remember the one word that made me start thinking of this topic. CURSES!!
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Thanks to Kristen for the idea using Kitty. Roxy is now sporting the "Kate". Now she just needs to have a litter.
The Tale of the Desperate Encounter of E-Shizzle, TinyK, Peanut and Pooh
Friday, July 17, 2009 | Labels: A Day in E's Life, Fairy TalesSubmitted for your reading pleasure......
The Tale of the Desperate Encounter of E-Shizzle, TinyK, Peanut and Pooh
On the blessed occasion of the one score and a half plus one Birthday of E-Shizzle, She and TinyK headed off to Hurricane Holla...I mean Harbor for a day of fun in the sun.
E-Shizzle was garbed in her new black bathing suit with little ruffles around the bosoms. And an extra panel sewn in for the small children in the viewing public. She was also wearing a pair of men's board shorts for her own comfort and security. As her fat was not yet tan or toned it needed to be covered.
TinyK was her usual cute and skinny self in her cute suit. And expensive but useless sunscreen. But I digress.
Both lovely ladies made it to the park and had the most charming time riding the rides and burning the @#$ out of their feet. Nachos, Chicken strips, Strawberry Daquiris. Oh my!
And Oh! the people watching. They were having a great time. Since the criminals who manage the park made certain rides open late, the girls were happy when one of their faves was finally open for business. The girls ran, and ran, and walked fast, and ...gasp.....trudged, then dragged up the stairs to the ride. As they almost made it to the top they heard a voice behind them.
"Do you ladies know if this ride is scary?"
E-Shizzle and TinyK looked at each other. Uh. what?
E-Shizzle answered "It's not as bad as Geronimo. There's an 8yr old in front of us riding it. I think you'll be fine"
A fine young black man approached her. "My name's Peanut and this is my man Pooh. "
E-Shizzle and TinyK tried to contain their hysteria.
"Me and Pooh came up here and rented a hotel for a while and got passes to Six Flags and Hurricane Harbor to have fun going back and forth for a while. So where are you ladies from? Do you have plans tonight?"
Pooh looked on disinterestedly like he'd seen Peanut rejected many times before. Pooh also had some unfortunate man-grooming issues that should have been resolved before removing his shirt, so maybe he was just anticipating rejection for himself.
Tiny K answered and said "We're from Richardson and it's my sister's birthday so we have to go home early for a family dinner party", the lie pouring forth like water from a tube chute.
Peanut replied" Are you sure you can't come party with us at the hotel?"
E- Shizzle said "Sorry but no thanks."
Peanut then counter offered " It's your birthday. I promise I can make it special"
OH NO HE DI'ENT!!!
TinyK at this point says "How old are you guys? " hoping of course that she can tell them to try with girls their own age.
Peanut says " Well I'm thirty. How old are you two?"
FOILED AGAIN!! Tiny K says in a depressed little voice "I'm 26 and my sister is turning 31 today" to which Peanut replies " So we are just the right ages!!"
So TinyK pulls out the big guns and quickly says into the awkward silence(in a strangely loud voice)"I have a boyfriend."
E-Shizzle thinks to herself. Wow. That sounds believable.
Peanut says" Oh, well we should still party sometime. How can I get y'all's numbers?"
E-Shizzle and TinyK look at each other like how can this man be any more desperate? And yet Peanut wasn't bad looking. Sad.
TinyK says" Ummm we're all at Hurricane Harbor. It's not like anyone has a phone or a pen with them in their bathing suit. Sorry."
At this point even Pooh is getting annoyed. Pooh makes some "Oh well! and Darn maybe next time" type gestures and mutters and tries to shuffle off.
Peanut is not one to give up though. " Really? How am I gonna get your numbers? This is so annoying."
At this point E-Shizzle is totally enjoying keeping quiet and hearing what crap TinyK will say next.
"There's really no way you CAN get our numbers. OH WELL" Says TinyK in a very final way.
Peanut then awkwardly turns to face the oncoming ride. " So you're sure this ride isn't too scary?" Pooh snorts.
And E-Shizzle and Tiny K hope that by the time they reach the bottom of the slide they will once again be free to roam the park sans desperate Peanut and Pooh. But oh the story they will have to tell their friends.......
Little did Peanut know, but he did make E-Shizzle's birthday special.
The Tale of Shop-E and the Stalk-Squad
Thursday, June 18, 2009 | Labels: A Day in E's Life, Fairy TalesPut on your Texas Summer Parkas my friends for the chilling .......
Tale of Shop-E and the Stalk-Squad
Whilst perusing homes earlier in the week Shop-E started snapping pics of the amazing house she was planning to bid on (alas-to no avail) when she realized 3/4 of the pictures reminded her of her evil nemesis' mind .....dark and shady....
OH SNAP!! Shop-E's precious camera- her birthday present after coming home from her mission full of crap-tastic photos, was once again dead. That's right. For the second time. The first time the factory recalled the problem and it got revived for free but this appeared to be Taps for the trusty buddy.
What was a shamelessly shopportunistic girl like Shop-E to do? Check out the open box items online at her local Microcenter and then go to Best Buy to play with the merchandise first.
Our darling Shop-E entered the store and was met by the door greeter/ineffectively skinny security guy. He asked if she needed help. Nope. She walked on to the cameras. To meet up with the official Geek Squad. Nope. And another Geek. Nope. This was getting REDONKULOUS!! Shop-E picked up a few cameras of which only half actually would turn on. How can you pick out a camera if you can't even see it's displays?? At which point (about 30- seconds after entering the camera area and turning down geeks 2 & 3) the manager approaches Shop-E.
"Hello." says the manager(ummmmm...... did I stumble into Buy Mart? thinks Shop-E? It's a big black grumpy manager!! Where's Chuck??)
"Hi"
" Can we help you today? "
"Nope. I know what I'm looking for."
"Well you seem to not want our help."
"You're right. I don't need help. But thanks."
"I'm not sure why you keep turning down help. We are here for you."
At this point Shop-E is ready to give the manager a piece of her mind but decides to shame him instead.
"The only help I really need is for you to make the electrical connection to your cameras actually work. Half of the cameras won't turn on despite being connected with the power light glowing."
The manager turns greenish. "Ummm.......can you show me that?"
Shop-E hands him the camera she is holding which, to his chagrin, is lit up like Christmas on the power connector but won't turn on.
Manager turns to Geek #3." Can you just get one out that has a fresh battery. Heh heh. This camera appears to be...uh... not working well"
Geek #3 opens a new camera and hands it to Shop-E.
Manager then says" Aren't you glad you spoke to us? See we are very helpful!"
Shop-E gives him a look that tells him what she thinks of a store where "help" has to be there to fix broken merchandise.
Shop-E then takes the little camera around to compare it to the others that are actually working. After a few minutes Shop-E decides that none of the cameras are speaking to her. None say " I am zee camera' of jour dreemz E" so she hand the camera back to Geek #3 , says thanks, and heads out.
It is only as Shop-E entered the Half-Price Books next door that she realized her purse was gaping open. She must not have zipped it after getting out of her car. WOW.
And now the question must be answered......was Shop-E being harassed because Best Buy cannot leave people alone for one stinking minute if you are there on a weekday at 2(a valid theory) or did those dorks really think she was gonna shove a camera in her purse??? A camera that was freaking dead bolted to the display table??? There was no portable merchandise in the area she was shopping!! Holy Cow people!!
And her purse is CU-UTE! Not the purse of a stealer one would hope. And so jammed packed she couldn't have fit in a camera with the counter attached one would guess.
And so the episode of Best Buy Harassment with remain a mystery!
And Shop-E might just have to go to Fry's. Where she might get in REAL trouble.
Due to the request that I include these gems in my blog..... I now give to you all a hidden treasure and the reason I am not an internet dater.
These come from a while back when I joined e-harmony to support a friend and THIS is who they thought I was compatible with. Among other more normal men.
Their profiles are in black and my comments in hot pink. The spelling mistakes are all their own. I cut and pasted their profiles with some info removed to protect identities. Although if you knew these two I am sure you might recognize them.
GORDON
Occupation: I work eight hours a day.
The one thing gordon is most passionate about:
Most passionate about my family and a healthy life style. I enjoy talking and dating l.d.s. woman. I enjoy motorsports vehicles, and just relaxing around the home on days off from work. I like be near the lakes, rivers, and ponds in the summer time and during winter, be indoors. I eat a varity of healthy foods like salads and vegetables(I’m glad to know this information!! Do you run with scissors? I need to know that too.) I drink water, no candy, pop or milk.(Yay!! A man who is 5’5 and hates food…..I can be Jack Sprat’s wife….a lifelong dream to be the 0 in a 10 relationship can now be fulfilled)
The three things which gordon is most thankful for:
My personal rights to speak English (I am soooo excited that you are so focused on your political right to speaking English that you even include it in dating profiles…then again it’s probably easy to be racist when you can’t eat any of our nation’s delicious ethnic foods as most include demon cheese), choosing to vote, and read and write as I wish.
Give and recieve love by friends, and family members.
Have a great physical body, and can experince many good feelings. (Please keep this part about your body’s ability to experience good feelings to yourself in the future)
The most influential person in gordon's life has been:
Many teachers have been influential in my life. Honestly, Jesus Christ is the best example of a great life here on earth taught by reading the scriptures. There are many good examples in life, happening all the time, but did you see them or are you blind? When was the last time you helped someone in need? (HOLY CRAP!!! I thought we were a total love match Gordon… I was feeling good feelings in my physical body and then POW you call me out for being selfish……you condemnatory minx!)
gordon's friends describe him as:
Hard Working
Intelligent
Kind
Spiritual
Three of gordon's best life-skills are:
Raising and/or caring for children (Isn’t that a little premature to say?)
Maintaining an organized life
Making improvements and repairs around the house
The most important thing gordon is looking for in a person is:
Looking for an active lds woman who will be my best friend; whick will talk to me, give advise when asked(speak only when spoken to?), be a good listener when explaining a situation to her, help do home projects in and out doors on our home(slave labor). Caring for each other is important too. I like the story of the tree, wanting it to be balanced, where the trunk, limbs and leaves are all in good shape, and if possible, finding the seedlings and sap. We must have quailities that are close to each other.(I don’t think I have enough sap for us to be compatible unfortunately )
The first thing you'll probably notice about gordon when you meet him:
That I'm honest w/ other people(cause you can’t hide crazy!! ), happy, see the good in something or a person.
The one thing gordon wishes MORE people would notice about him is:
I have great teeth and smile. I brush them alot, to keep clean and white.(Here’s where the OCD becomes obvious)
gordon typically spends his leisure time:
My leisure time is spent doing activities in or near homes.(Hiding in closets or behind bushes) I see the county fairs in fall, car shows in summer and spring is busy w/ home expo. Leisure time is watching tv for two hrs a day, doing something for a person, and spending alot of time on the computer to chat to the ladies, so I CAN go on a date. It take time to wash and keep items clean and neat in your houses and yard. I shop alot for new parts and pieces whick make a home improve in quality and function.
The things gordon can't live without are:
Electrical appliance. (I am afraid to ask which one)
A home or place to live.
Money to buy food.
Eight hour to sleep.
Clean clothes, mind, and body. (He really took this too literally I think- like it’s a science and not a personality question)
The last book gordon read and enjoyed:
I enjoy reading mag. more than books. I go often to a Barns and Noble store in the mall and flip through them. I spend a few hrs. each month as new editions are released on to the shelfes. I read books that will teach me how to do a skill better, for work or employment needs. I just read book on stuff that would be fun to do as a hobbie or fun. (I have bin waiting my hole life to find man who shares my hobbie of snicking into Barnse & Nooble and look at mags but not have to pay for them. And Gordon seims to be handy so maybe he can help instal my book shelfes. Bee stil my beeteng hart.)
One thing that only gordon's best friends know is:
NO eatting or drinking of milk products, icecream, yogurts, cottage cheese, and milk. I LIKE TO EAT PIZZA, but get it with no cheese. I have alot of small molles all over my body.
Some additional information gordon wanted you to know is:
I'm have three other brothers, one sister, and parents who are still alive.(Is he implying there are ones who AREN’T still alive?) I like to operate gas powered vehicles.(Are wood chippers gas powered? Just asking…) I'm not outdoors when the weather is really hot or cold, an example, above 90 and below 30. The seasons that I like best are spring and fall, based on temperature of outdoors. I like to exercise, and try two times a wk. I enjoy doing water sports; swimming, fishing and boating. I'm a handsome guy, but not a model. My waist is 32 and inseam is 29. I obey the "Law of Chasity and Word of Wisdom" I like the colors red and blue. I have built a small garge and rebuild alot of homes, concrete work, walls,(concrete in walls where he hides bodies maybe?) window and doors, plumbing.
AND NOW FOR YOUR VIEWING PLEASURE THE TOTAL CONTRAST OF
DANIEL
The one thing Daniel is most passionate about:
My religion is central to my life. I will only marry in an LDS temple. I am very involved in local politics, having won an election or two in the County Republican party. I feel I have an obligation to my future children to work now on their behalf. I believe we have a responsibility to learn all we can in this life, and to do the right thing, even when it hurts. I am passionate about music, theater, and literature.
The three things which Daniel is most thankful for:
Obvious : God, Country, and Family
Personal : My Testimony, Kung Fu, and Birds (Lets get 2 Love Birds and name them Little grasshopper and Lamoni if we get married…..we can combine all your faves)
Whimsy : Jelly Bellies, The Desert Star Playhouse, and Tickling Little Kids (molester?)
The most influential person in Daniel's life has been:
There are a great many men I admire. I have been privileged to know some of the finest people God ever created. Soldiers, Teachers, Children, Authors, Thinkers, Tinkerers, Clergy, and Astronauts. My Father is greater than them all.
Daniel's friends describe him as:
Intelligent
Kind
Funny
Spiritual
Three of Daniel's best life-skills are:
Continuing to expand my knowledge and awareness
Finding creative solutions to everyday problems
Communicating my innermost thoughts and feelings
The most important thing Daniel is looking for in a person is:
I am looking for a phenomenal woman who will not only love me, but can sustain me in fulfilling the full measure of our purpose here on earth. She loves her country, her family, and her God. She is affectionate physically and verbally. She is happy looking out over a forested lake, in a formal gown at the symphony, or putting her hands in finger paint. She is fit, feminine, and confident. She loves to laugh, and will do it all the more when I am with her. She seeks out truth, wherever it leads, and inspires all with her integrity and grace. Most important, she is prepared to be loved, protected, and cherished for eternity. ( I think she is prepared…….to be translated….GEEZ!!)
The first thing you'll probably notice about Daniel when you meet him:
My Confidence. Often mistaken as arrogance, regrettably,(Arrogant?? Quel surprise!) but I know exactly who I am. I am a son of God. I am the man I want to be, and the kind of man I hope my future daughters find.(I think my hands are literally reaching out to strangle him through cyberspace) I always trust my instincts. They are based in my own experience and in gospel principals.
The one thing Daniel wishes MORE people would notice about him is:
My Candor. I speak no guile. I will only lie if I think it's funny(what a relief!). Makes dating very difficult, but I know my patience will pay off in time. The right woman will love me for it.
Daniel typically spends his leisure time:
I love stories. On page, stage, or film. I devour books. I am writing a book (me, and half of America). I almost always have music playing. Might be John Denver, Beasie Boys, Mozart's Requiem, or Harry Connick Jr. I like to sing, and know alot of Irish drinking songs. And Scottish. And Australian.
The things Daniel can't live without are:
Life - In all it's varied splendor.
Liberty - God bless America
Pursuit of Happiness - 2 Nephi 2:25
Sunlight- I'm just a happy dork in the Perriwinkle (Is a comment necessary?)
Water - I love being wet. Squirt guns or pools.
The last book Daniel read and enjoyed:
Last book was "Lone Survivor - The Eyewitness Account of Operation Redwing and the Lost Heroes of SEAL Team 10". I can not read the title without choking up. God bless those brave, brave souls. I find the books I read most often are the books I loved as a child. I've read and re-read "The Black Cauldron" series, Enders Game, Cyrano, 3 Musketeers, Frankenstien and Dune at least a dozen times each. Maybe more. I also read the "Book of Mormon" (at least one verse) every single day.
One thing that only Daniel's best friends know is:
I have no secrets. Though very active as a young man, I left the Church for a few years in my late teens-early twentys. I am grateful for the pain and hunger that led me back home. It has forged my testimony in adamant. I have not faltered since my return 7 years ago. His goodness, like a fetter, has bound my wandring heart to him. I consider myself a convert.( English experts…….I have never seen adamant used that way? Is that a correct usage- it sounds weird…..but then again he IS weird)
Some additional information Daniel wanted you to know is:
I am a lover and a fighter. A warrior poet, if you will. Gruff, at times, yet beloved by children. I tinker. I laugh. I tickle. Doing field repair means I work with my hands, and with my mind. I am a disk jockey who loves the quiet. A country boy who loves rock and roll. A son of God who can do without Provo. My mind is efficient, strategically bent, analytical, and precise, yet I always follow my instincts. I know that God wants an exceptional life from every last one of us. And I intend to deliver. (He’s a warrior poet and tickler?? HOLY CRAP?!! Like a mix of William Wallace and red fuzzy muppet. Make me yours Tickle- Me Maximus!!)
The End.
The Tale of Little E and the Suicidal Aged
Sunday, April 26, 2009 | Labels: A Day in E's Life, Fairy TalesLittle E had been feeling old. Not ancient, but very mature compared to the 18 yr olds around her and the boys, yes boys, in their late twenties trying to date them. Constantly bugged at work about how and when she was ever going to meet anyone she heard of a magical gathering of mature single mo's and knew it was the perfect answer. She looked at her Calendar of Despair and had the weekend free. Little E was overjoyed. New friends! New scene! So much to look forward too.
Little E fretted all week about what she would wear for comfort as it seemed she might be sitting all day and then dancing. Little E fretted that she wouldn't fit in. Luckily Little E's friends Reluctant Ri and JJ were going to go with her and it made all her worries disappear.
The day dawned and Little E got 4 amazing hours of sleep the night before and dragged herself out of bed. She barely had time to get dressed and didn't even really dry her hair. She packed some water and a raincoat for the cloudy day and she was off. Reluctant Ri texted she would be late. Little E wished she had slept in too. Meeting up with JJ, Little E had a fabulous drive to exotic distant Arlington. The two friends entered the building and their natural exuberance was immediately hushed by the startling scene before them. Elderly people shuffled in and out of the chapel. A medic room was set up next to the door for casualties. The scent of roses and moth balls pervaded the arctic air. Everyone that turned to see Little E and JJ was extremely overly excited. They were given name tags and schedules and note pads and everyone was very kind. They entered the chapel to see an endless sea of seniors and the handicapped. Little E wondered if they had made a wrong turn or gotten false information, but no. This was the place. Just not the place for Little E and JJ. And Reluctant Ri who shortly arrived.
At lunch time they were given mini sized sandwiches and big cookies and a pile of chips. Little E wondered if the tiny sandwich was trying to suggest something. But they were told to grab extras if they were still hungry and HECK YES they were. They then brought out fruit after Little E had already gotten ill from eating 2 cookies to get full. So sad. This is how you make people fat thought Little E. Serve fruit for dessert.
Then Little E, JJ and Reluctant Ri headed back to the chapel for the endless setlist. Errmmm.. I mean the Conference workshops. 4 straight hours in the coldest chapel known to man. Little E felt both her leg hair AND arm hair growing. And icicles forming in her still damp hair. And poor Reluctant Ri was dressed for a sunny summer's day. And unprepared with extra coat. Luckily JJ went to her car and got out her trusty plaid camping blanket just for such occasions. And the event hosts began passing out fleece lap blankets to all of the wheelchairs in the front of the chapel. Little E wondered why only the handicapped were supposed to be freezing their A##es off. Hrm?
Hours passed. Wonderful talks were given, but all Little E could think about was how much longer she was expected to sit there in that chapel. Should she try to build an igloo like an Eskimo? Maybe the cold was to encourage cuddling but there was no one cuddle-able for her. The three friends minds wandered. Finally they took a break outside to warm up. They did not want to go back in due to the cold and general booty numbness, but they pressed on. As the hours passed Little E began to get the impression that the speakers considered the audience to be filled with deeply depressed old fogies who needed to be prevented from committing suicide. As the hymns about sunshine and the talks about life taking "different" paths kept on and on Little E began to feel an uncomfortabl-ness and coldness that had nothing to do with the temperature. A short light was seen in the abyss of deep depression when the Texas Boys Choir sang for the seated popsicle-people. But then they went back for another few hours about trying to stay cheerful when your life is meaningless and empty. Little E thought she had heard the worst, but was unprepared for the upcoming special musical number. As the woman started to sing " I know you are on the edge, unable to hang on any more, in deep despair.....etc" Little E felt a burning urge inside her. She felt her limbs moving almost on their own to stand. She forced her legs to be still. But her mouth was starting to move too. She could feel a mighty shout building up inside her. She wanted to scream " SHUT UUUUUUPPPPP!!!!!" from the depths of her frozen soul. But she did not.
Finally the un-magical gathering came to an end. Oh awaited hour! Little E was so relieved. Reluctant Ri made a faster exit than Taco Bell in a model with IBS. JJ and Little E looked at each other wondering could they stand to stay even a moment longer or might they venture to meet and mingle at the dance? Heck yes they did!! As the dance started Little E went to the restroom and met a nice lady in her 40's. Maybe the closest person to Little E in age. Little E watched as she straightened her "I Love JESUS!" sparkle pin on her turtleneck sweater. Little E knew she was in for a fun filled night.
The dance took place in a cruise decorated gym. The walls were fake cruise ship rails with life preservers. Lemonade and water fountains adorned the snack table along with mints and bags of frosted animal cookies. As the DJ broke into the "Danger Zone" so did the white haired dancers who shook what they had in a non-age appropriate, yet restrained way. Little E's eyes widened. Holy Schnikies! An older man who had dressed for their unannounced theme in a tropical shirt and hat picked unsuspecting women out and asked every single one of them to dance- for only a few moments before picking out another and abandoning his current victim. Please let him skip me prayed Little E in her head. She developed a sudden urge to lock herself in JJ's car in the parking lot. At that moment a different seemingly nice older man asked JJ to dance and said he'd be back for Little E. OK, thought Little E, I am about to officially enter the waters of the Oldies Cruise Dance. As the man came back for her the gentle strains of Usher's "Yeah Yeah" began to play. The man was unfazed. They began to shake it. Little E realized she was completely a dork dancing to Usher if she was unable to truly shake her booty. She felt like she was all arms and frozen old lady hips. Her booty wanted to take on a life of its own. Little E said "No booty. You shall not get your fix of Usher tonight. " As Usher asked for a lady in the street and a freak in the bed Little E looked to see shocked faces but then realized the sweet people around her probably couldn't hear the lyrics anyways. How awkward to dance with a man in his 60's to Usher. Little E returned to her seat and continued to dance on occasion with men nowhere near her age. At one point Little E introduced herself to some people her own age, but they seemed uninterested in dancing. How sad. Truly Little E had entered a depressing world.
She and JJ finally decided to escape the wraith like claws of the retirement cruise of death and headed back to their happy and comfortably room-temperature homes. They bid adieu to their new found friends and what the? The light went on and the dance was over. They had stayed til the end?? This was unacceptable. They had meant to cut out early. What a weird dance. No last slow songs or anything?? Really? None?
Ok forget the graceful exit. JJ and Little E hightailed it out of there to miss all of the Lincoln Continentals backing out at 0.5 miles an hour. See ya lata!! They sped out of the parking lot with a squeal of the wheels and not a backward glance, glad to leave behind the most depressing experience of their short short short(did I mention they were young? ) lives.
