El Superblog Fantastico de Erica

The Tale of Overconfident E

2011-08-02T23:16:00.000-07:00

Our poor friend E.

After a productive year of weight loss, E had recently began chunking out due to some health problems. Bummer. After a month or two of contemplating the best way to get in better shape, E went for a fun night out with Slim K at a local roller rink. Despite skates that were like homeless men's shoes affixed with dental wire to broken grocery cart wheels that veer to one side, E and K burnt up that rink with their smooth moves.

E thought to herself at the end of the night. My! I sure do like skating alot. And it's way more fun than running or using the elliptical. I wonder how awesome I could be at skating if I actually had real roller skates and practiced?

Visions of herself in derby gear floated through her head. Like Ellen Page in Whip It, she would race through the streets of her neighborhood, gaining confidence and skill. She would then be so awesome she would be spotted at a local rink and invited to join Lone Star Assassins or the Dead Kennedys where she would kick A and take names elbowing lesser skaters aside, bodies flying into beer can towers and fans in lawn chairs. Ahh. It would ROCK!!!

E carefully perused ebay for skates she could afford and eagerly awaited them in the mail. They arrived on a work day and on the first day she had off work, she had evening plans. DARN!!! But....E really wanted to try out the awesome skates. She guessed it would have to wait.

If only E had kept to this resolve.

On arriving home at 11pm.....E loving greeted her giant chihuahua shepherd, RoxMonster. She walked further into her house and saw her lovely new skates gleaming on the floor. What a thing of beauty!! Those skates NEEDED to be used. She sat on her couch and RoxMonster looked at her with pleading soft brown puppy eyes. Mommy- pweeese walk me!!!

In that instant an ingenious plan developed in E's twisted brain. It was too brilliant! E should take an inaugural skate while walking RoxMonster through her badly lit neighborhood!!!

She strapped the black and red demon skates to her unknowing feet and grabbed a leash. RoxMonster approached her and sniffed at the weird creatures attacking mommy's feet. Alien invaders!!!! E convinced the monster it was OK to proceed with the aliens and they went out the front door. E wobbled as she tried to hold RoxMonster back from the initial lunge out the door. E stepped down out of the house and turned to put the key in the lock. Finally, she turned and faced her future. She was gonna burn this neighborhood UP.

Crap. The sidewalk away from the house was all downhill and covered with mini-twigs and dirt. No problem. E just needed to get rolling. Get her groove on. RoxMonster hesitated by her side. E realized she needed to have room for her skates to push off so she shooed the monster into a trot and took off. Literally.

As E contemplated the night sky from her position on her back under a tree she saw some brilliant stars gleaming despite the city lights. Her legs felt bent in all crazy directions. She thought she felt a root sticking into her shoulder. RoxMonster quickly took advantage of the situation to climb slowly atop the heap of limbs. Her nose majestically pointed in the air, she howled her victory over the woman-hill, channeling her inner wolf-child, and letting the neighborhood dogs know she was on top. After a few moments of victory, the monster was apparently disturbed by the moaning and silent weeping interrupting her wolf-glory. RoxMonster began to bat her mommy in the face with her nose and slurped inquisitively at her cheek. Was she alive? It was hard to tell.

E used her hands to bring each skewed leg back into alignment and slowly arose. She wobbled her way back into the house, walking on the skate brakes. RoxMonster trailed behind on her leash, looking back longingly at the neighborhood, denied her victory tour.

E sat slowly on the couch, realized her tailbone was smooshed, she had scrapes everywhere, and her ankles and knees of steel had, for the the first time in her life, been minorly twisted or sprained. What the H? How could her brilliant plan have gone wrong?

It was a mystery. One that she would have ample time to solve while stuck on her couch with her tailbone making its previously faith-based existence insistently known.

Once again,Poor E.

The Adventures of Sleepy E in the PC World

2010-10-19T18:39:00.000-07:00

Poor Sleepy E. She had been working a looong shift and needed to go to help with an education class at work again the next afternoon at lunchtime. Which would allow Poor Sleepy E only 3 hours sleep max before heading out into the world to work again. The Agony!!! But alas Sleepy E's mad computer skillz had made her sign up to be an expert in new technology at her job.

As Sleepy E drove up to the Tower of Edumacation, she felt lightheaded and extremely nauseous beyond the normal. To the point that she considered getting back in her car and driving back home to have a therapeutic barf. But no. She pressed onward and arrived in the PC classroom with so many computers and new techie devices. The head teacher was so excited to see Sleepy E's arrival to help out with the class that she, a stranger, gave Sleepy E a bear hug, startling her further awake. We-eird.

Sleepy E helped to pass out all the new techie devices and handouts and saw a few friends from work that attended the class. They were all eagerly anticipating the start of class. And as it began, they learned that this was maybe not a class they should have anticipated, but dreaded. Due to the new technology you ask?? Oh no. Due to the fact that a man that was functionally illiterate/blind was in the class and could not do even one thing to follow instructions as apparently he could only see the device as a blob in his hand. As for clicking on words and making selections.....did I mention the device was just a blobby?

As the class reviewed the one series of actions they had to perform with the device to leave the class, he lay his head down on the desk with his face approximately an inch from the instructions and attempted to see the words to no avail. Sleepy E talked him through each step and was horrified as she thought to herself "What on earth does this man do at work if he literally cannot see ANYTHING?? How does he read medications, know policies, or SHUDDER.....start IV's?!?!"

All of Sleepy E's coworkers needed to stay for a 2nd part of the class that this poor man did not need. But he had to finish his practice exercise and then take a test. Yup. An online test. And they wouldn't start the second half of class until he had finished and left the room. And so Sleepy E's coworkers started to grow beards and curly fingernails as they waited in vain for this man to finish. FOREVER. But then finally the miracle of miracles happened and he was done. Hooray!

By this point poor Sleepy E was feeling so sick and awful she considered dragging a trash can around with her in case she puked. This class needed to end. STAT. Haha...a little hospital humor....I digress...Anyways, the 2nd half was about to start. And so Sleepy E handed out more equipment and sat down to wait and see if anyone needed help. But one of those moments in life, so precious and so few, was about to occur to make every agonizing moment of Sleepy E's day worthwhile.

The people in the second section of the class needed to learn some new technology for creating......Breastmilk Labels. Yes, that's right world. Breastmilk is now a friggin drug and healthcare workers need to get up in the middle of the night(for them) to take classes on label making.

Now reader......sitting next to the blind man, was a spicy older Latina nurse, now alone at her computer station for this second half. Very vocal in not understanding new technologeez. Very prone to hitting bizarre places on her screen and then screeching for help. She was absolutely sure that instead of just hitting CANCEL when reaching the wrong screen she instead needed both Sleepy E and the teacher to both come look at her scanner personally and tell her YES HIT CANCEL. Every time. And stall the class further.

So as they started the 2nd half, Sleepy E was sure it would lead to more shouts of "Just Hit CANCEL!!! For the Love!!!" The teacher began the class. 1st action.

"Click on the picture of a baby bottle. 2nd action. Scan your baby's patient ID band. This will bring up a ID screen which you read and click OK to confirm ID info for your patient. Just to be helpful the screen is Pink for Baby Girls. Blue for Baby Boys. Also class there is a Yellow Screen you may see if a baby is born with undetermined anatomy. "

At which point Latina nurse stops struggling with clicking on her scanner and looks directly at the teacher with a serious look on her face. " That is for the Baybeez Gay. "

Teacher bites her lip and says "If you say so" and continues with the Scanner instructions as if nothing was said. A better woman that Sleepy E. Taking the higher ground of just letting it go.

Meanwhile Sleepy E and a coworker turn to each other and mouth " Baybeez Gay?" And then try to hide their tears and shaking. Then Sleepy E tries to imagine how a labor and delivery would go where the baby is declared with a bad accent "Dees es un how do you say...Baybee Gay" immediately on exit of womb.

Does the baby come out with a He-ey! instead of a squeal? Does the baby's skin rash up on hospital blankies and demand Egyptian cotton with a higher thread count? Does assumed straight girl baby throw up on only the pink blankies and thus come out? Oh the possibilities are as endless as they are offensive.

And in that bright shining moment of unexpectedly offensive commentary, Sleepy E knew coming to class that day WAS worth it!!!

A Saturday Mitzvah

2010-07-17T05:06:00.000-07:00

Here my friends, for your viewing enjoyment, is the funniest series of emails about a lost cat ever known to existence.

If you are in a place where you cannot be loud or cry real tears. Wait to read this.

http://www.27bslash6.com/missy.html

And for my fellow Alaska vacationers here are tips about Wilderness Survival. But not really.

http://www.27bslash6.com/lost.html

For those of you looking for the perfect man....especially after speed dating last week....here is a man who is a "good drawer" and writes a series of novels about a time traveling sex predator.

http://www.27bslash6.com/willdrawforfood.html

I scanned a few of the other blog articles and they are not for the faint of heart let's say. I just thought you all might enjoy some weekend funnies.

Another in the series of ways I torture myself on the weekends

2010-07-09T23:51:00.000-07:00

So ........I went to a speed dating activity tonight. I know what you are thinking to yourself now. Erica- why do you need to speed date when you are so fabulous? Erica-how did you fight off all the men who didn't want to leave your scintillating conversation? Erica- how do you decide who to date and who to let down after such a horde of men are introduced to you???

Friends- I write this blog to answer all your burning questions.

1. Erica why do you need to speed date when you are so fabulous?

My fabulous lifestyle lately has left me with no time to meet any fabulous men. I also watch millionaire matchmaker and wondered if I could stand up to the competition of a roomful of women. I believe Patty would be proud me. I looked good and only talked about fun things and avoided awkward questions or depressing topics when able.

Why these same men can't just talk to people at dances when they are obviously not dancing either is a mystery to me but if speed dating is what it takes, so be it.

2. Erica how do you fight off all the men who don't want to leave your scintillating conversation?

First we are assuming it's not just me talking. I could talk forever as we all know. I was however limited to four minutes. Fortunately there were many amazing conversationalists besides myself and you are about to reap the benefits of conversational tidbits heard around the room.

After a warning NOT to ask stupid questions like "what animal would you be?" in the dating intro......

What inner animal are you? I am half hawk and half zebra. (Which half is which? is my question)

Do you believe in love at first sight?(Not now)

Did you know I drove all the way from Waco to do this?(my dad's comment- so you had to get away from where the locals knew your MO?)

A lady asks...So what do you do? I'm a carpenter.....like my older brother(said with gravity and reverence)

Do you like children?(no I'm a pediatric nurse because I hate kids)

You're a pediatric icu nurse? How do you feel when babies die? (Like I should have taken my lunch before their vitals started crashing....it makes me sad too duh!!!) I heard that one multiple times if you can believe it.

And then this gem.....

So what do you do? I'm a pediatric cardiac nurse. Oh.....my heart is in the medical field and I got into nursing school but I never went. Really, why? Well no offense, but my mom told me I was smart enough to be a doctor. Oh...so you're a doctor? No I'm a software engineer. I had my first son and decided to drop out. (CRICKETS).......So you DO know that there are reasons to be a nurse and not a doctor that have nothing to do with brains. I don't understand why you wouldn't want to be a doctor if you were smart enough. I wanted to care for people instead of diagnosing people and walking away. I only changed my mind because the schooling took too long. I'd still like to tell people what's wrong with them. (stifling sarcastic comment/laughter) Well I just want to take care of sick people so that's why I'm a nurse. AND SCENE

3. Erica how do you decide who to date and who to let down after such a horde of men are introduced to you?

It's actually pretty easy. First we eliminate like the first 10 men I talked to because they were over 50 and were supposed to be in a different dating circle but when no women showed in the bad weather they told them to join the young circle. WHAAATTTT??!!! And they did. In a long line starting with me and my friends and wasting an hour of hour time talking to men with grandchildren. AND yet they still would visibly cross us off their dating list as certain points in the conversation. I was all GRAMPS I WAS NEVER AN OPTION!!! But I digress. Then we finally get to the men in their 40's divorced with grown children. After talking to gramps these seemed more like an option. But they were figuring out their careers still or wanted us women to have exotic and interesting hobbies and then made faces at them like our hobbies were not up to par......and when asked their hobbies said spending time with my kids. Really? Your only interest? We'll have that in common then.

Oh, one told me he was disappointed I was so young and didn't play sports regularly. Ewwwwwwww.

Then we move on to the men my own age.....oh no wait. .....we don't. They never made it around the circle to us. SO we still don"t know any men our own age or even close. FAB. What a productive way to spend my time.

So if we count all the men who I talked to charmingly and asked for my number at the end we come to a grand total of ZERO. And my other friends ZERO. The Zebra/Hawk asked to Facebook us all which totally does not count.

And I forgot my favorite Hot Pink Super Huge Bowl at the activity in my haste to get the %$$% out of Dodge by that point. Poo. I loved that bowl.

Brave New World

2010-05-02T19:10:00.000-07:00

As of Friday I am officially on a "for reals" big girl diet. The first real diet in my life. I don't count the sabotage diet used while living with my grandma to avoid being stuffed like a turkey.

I am scared. I am much more well adjusted today than the two previous days. I thought at many points I was gonna die. I wasn't hungry so much as lightheaded and headachey. I am sure my body was withdrawing from chocolate or pasta. Today I am much better. I also went to a potluck where I kind of had no choice but to cheat a little just cause I had nothing to eat. I didn't have dessert though so that was something. I don't think anyone even brought an item that didn't have cream of mushroom soup in it in some way. Except the desserts.

Some of you may be asking yourself.....dude.....why can't you just start eating better- dieting is unrealistic. My counterpoint- I tried eating better consciously and I lost like 2 pounds in a month. And probably gained it all back again with one pasta breakdown. I want to lose a significant amount of weight and 1 or 2 pounds a month just ain't gonna do it.

Plus I figured that if I join a center and have some accountability I will be more likely to succeed. I also like the idea of having some easy food ready to go instead of doing all the grocery shopping. And I am treating this like something I better get my money out of and that I will treat like a prescription for health. I follow medical instructions for pills and stuff. Why can't I treat this like a prescription? I spend time and effort on so many dumb things. I have decided to use my time and money to get my body more fit and healthy. I feel like I am always getting sick. I want to see if losing weight has any effect on that too.

Part of the plan is to stay with a counselor for a full year learning how to maintain your weight when you incorporate all the normal foods back into your diet after you've lost the weight. I guess there will still be someone there to make sure I don't go hog wild. I don't think I will. I maintained my weight just fine before. Until Nursing. And endless drive through and cafeteria food.

So anyways. This is my official announcement. Me on a diet. Weird. Be mean to me if I even consider cheating. You have my permission.

Inside the KS Acting Studio - Paypal Accepted

2010-03-22T22:09:00.000-07:00

Welcome dear friends and sit yourself down in a nice comfy folding metal chair. Today is the first and only class in the course you recently signed up for through our studios ....."Pouting your way through film : a study of the acting style of Kristen Stewart

Normally, I'd say grab a drink and snack but in all reality- "not eating" is key and this won't take very long.

Throughout the early 2000's primarily the world began to see the styling of an acting genius named Kristen Stewart. From her uncredited role as "ring toss girl" in The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas, to her roles in Catch That Kid, Zathura, or What Just Happened? she took Hollywood by storm with the subtlety and mystery in her acting. "Was she just acting?" some experts would question as they watched her films. Ohhhh was she.

As a privileged child with a screenwriter mother and a producer father you would think she had been exposed to training.

As these quotes demonstrate, she has put much of herself into her characters.

On the subject of working in smaller indie movies she had this thought "It's your movie and you can do anything you want, and nobody's going to have anything to say." Indeed, you do leave them speechless with your talent my dear.

"Acting is such a personal thing, which is weird because at the same time it's not." With this quote K shows how her acting both demonstrates that SHE is NOT the character but at the same time.....who IS the character?? Who IS anyone really. She then said "You should have the opportunity to be more than one person with different people - because you have that within you" Inner potential for multiple personalities......or for acting all the time with everyone- hard to tell which prospect I find more pleasant.

"I don't want to make movies for kids, and I don't want to make movies for adults either." The wise critic asks herself- are Kristen's movies really FOR anyone?

She has been pursued by paparazzi and asked many questions but in her view"Really, I'm incredibly disjointed and not candid. Just in general, my thoughts tend to come out in little spurts that don't necessarily connect." I just knew some of her lines were meant to be in a stream of consciousness.

And for those of you who thought the acting was joy enough.....she has plans to conquer the world with her writing. "I mean, I definitely will always do what I've been doing. I've also started taking a lot of pictures, and they help the writing. The pictures help the writing. I mean, I want to make books. I want to take pictures and then write all over the pictures. And then I don't have to say a complete story, because I have the picture, and I have just a word." Apparently these will be children's books or coffee table graffiti books? Maybe a new genre entirely.

Ahh the gems of knowledge we have learned from our esteemed K. Stewart. But you all came her not just to learn the theory but the practice of Kristen.

Let us begin.

1. Moisturize the lips. Carmex, vaseline, lip smackers...it matters not which one. But they need to be in pouting shape. No peelies or crackies!

2. Those pearly whites must be in evidence. I mean HUGE. If you cannot see the front teeth at all times, from any camera angle how will you emote??? No one wants to see tears or forehead crinkles....what the eye is drawn to in any emotional scene is the slight glare off the front teeth and how you use your lips to display them.

3. Now you must choose how to emphasize the lip/tooth connection. You may bite the lip at center to be coy or torn apart, bite to one side to show confusion or shyness. You may pull the full lower lip up to partially cover the teeth while mouth still slightly gapes open to annoyance.

4. If there is to be a kissing scene you shall lick your lips at the approach and then bite them. Even if this is an unwanted kiss, you will still show how pouty and inviting and moist your lips are.

5. These rules also apply to child actors. It is never too early to start the lip biting.

6. NEVER smile. You lose all credibility as an actor. No character in any movie is truly happy anyways. If you smile it looks like you're too connected to the part and not busy being half personal and half distant.

7. Having sloppy hair cut to fall over your eyes is essential. You can bite your lip all you want but if it is not followed by a toss of the locks, what have you really expressed?

8. Don't open you eyes too wide. Having a deadened stare or even better....a vacant one shows depth and history.

9. The tone of your voice should be deep and low. If the amount of emotion you need to display calls for loud shouting and or screaming which will fall into a womanly or girly tone....then only be as loud as you can in a low tone. No valley girl or breathless sighs. Of course if the director absolutely forces you to scream...say if you're having a bad dream that seems like an acid trip where your voice comes out of Nearly Headless Ed's head....then you can scream but you must follow it up with some manly grunts of reassurance that you're fine back in the low tones again. If a word is meant to be shouted, you can emote it in a lower tone successfully by repeating it many times over and over. Instead of NOOOOOO!!!! deeply intone No No No and shake your locks a few times for emphasis. Then say No No No again. More lock shaking. And repeat until someone says cut. The police have told me this is super effective and what most women do when they need to fight off attackers. A low no is the way to go. Catchy right?

10. I can't emphasize to you enough how tasty your lips are and how much you can't stop chewing on them.

I hope you have learned today class and opened your minds. Maybe you too can play Joan Jett or Bella Swan, or any one of various famous 13 yr old emo boys with the skills you have learned today. Your range is as unlimited as your talent.

Best Wishes.

The Staff of the KS Acting Studio

PS- Don't forget to take a poster of the star herself for inspiration.

The Tale of E the Gourmet

2010-03-19T19:43:00.000-07:00

E was a good cook. This was a fact she knew like breathing in or breathing out. Not to be a conceited pain about it, but it is important to the telling of today's tale. E came from a family of good cooks who were constantly asked to bring labor intensive favorites to people's parties or to host dinner for holidays. E also learned very early on that she would make using the word "NO" an important part of her vocab so as not to get stuck making yummy treats on call for people all the time. She only wanted to cook for fun.

All this being said, E really loved to try new dishes. As a single girl she made desserts to take to events a lot, but didn't have much opportunity for entrees as she was normally cooking for herself(and no, I'm not crying..I'm just chopping onions to make a lasagna....for one)

E's dad's birthday was coming up(we shall call him Cheney). Cheney expressed no birthday present desires. NONE. She had already bought him every conceivable type of clothing this past year and even resorted to a theme for father's day of As-Seen-On-TV due to the options drying up. E suggested shopping at Kohl's. Cheney didn't need more clothes. No gun accessories. No garage gadgets or tools. E bought his some exotic soda and mustard but was stumped and needing something to up the ante and give something better than condiments and a six-pack.

For an extended length of time E had been telling Cheney to go and eat at Blue Mesa and try a delicious corn based dish. Cheney rarely ate out beyond the staples surrounding the family casa and had not yet ventured to try her suggestion. Suddenly E had a brilliant idea! What if there was a restaurant cheater website with Blue Mesa dishes??? She could bring Blue Mesa to Cheney and rock his palate with something yummy and new!

E quickly got onto the interweb and found that Blue Mesa itself had a website with recipes of favorites. E saw a personal fave- the Adobe Pie! YUMMM!! She found a few other websites with "stolen" Blue Mesa recipes and they all seemed to have quite different ingredients but that did not phase E, she would go for the difficult and authentic original.

After a trip to Central Market, and many stops to buy the "Standard" size of ramekin which apparently is NOT standard, E began her prep. She cooked chicken and mixed it with a green chile pesto and pico and prepared to use it to stuff her pies the next day.

Late Sunday afternoon E began her adventure with the main ingredient. Masa. A spanish corn flour made of corn kernels soaked in lime juice and then ground up.

The masa was mixed into a lovely dough with butter and baking soda salt and chicken stock. E used the masa to line the ramekins and then filled them and layered more masa on top. The ramekins looked pretty but E looked at the masa and thought to herself....I wonder how this becomes the lovely fluffy corn pie I remember from the restaurant. Little did she know.......

At the dramatic unveiling of the ramekins from their hot water bath, the hopes were high and the smell was delicious. The ramekins were flipped out onto plates and the lovely golden corn pies were ready to eat. E picked up her fork and dug in.

Cough Cough. BIG DRINK OF WATER. Wow!! Those corn pies were a little dry! And not in ANY way like the corn pie they served at the restaurant. E scooped a little sour cream onto her pie. Took another bite.

Chew Chew. Cough. Blech! It's like eating straight cornmeal! Somehow Blue Mesa had created a recipe that rivaled the feeling of shredded wheat stuck in your gullet. Score! And the corn powder-ey-ness was so overwhelming that it covered up the taste of the super yummy chicken and pesto. Grrrrrrr!

E's parents assured her it was delicious, but both left 90% of the corn on their plates. Riiiiight.

E looked at the recipe and she had done everything correctly. Blue Mesa had seriously sabotaged their own recipe to make sure no one could cook it the same. JERKS!!! On the recipe stealer websites crisco and cream and other delightfully bad for you ingredients were included in the corn masa dough. I wonder how it disappeared off of Blue Mesa's recipe?? Must be those magical internet recipe fairies that ruin the allrecipes and chefs.com recipes. OH WAIT. Those all turn out.

E vowed then and there that she would write about what dirty special event ruining rat-bastards the Blue Mesa website people are and warn all others that their recipes are CRAP.

E was just overjoyed that she had been able to talk up a recipe for a year and then serve Cheney a mouthful of dry cornflour. What a perfect birthday gift. Thank you Blue Mesa for making it possible.

The only good thing about the meal was that even the small amount of corn flour you couldn't avoid eating with the chicken filled you up for HOURS ON END. Maybe this recipe has diet potential for both an easy fast fill up and turning you off of food for life.

Delightful.

Guten Tag

2010-03-19T19:39:00.000-07:00

I looked at my google analytics today and saw that I have a bunch of readers in Germany. Hrm. I don't know anyone in Germany so I am wondering if they speak German and this blog translates or if it's people who speak English or if it's military linked to Rammstein or something. If this is you please comment cause I'm fascinated.

I think I'm paranoid

2010-03-10T08:28:00.000-08:00

Today's post my bloggy friends is about going "lady commando" aka bra-less. I know what you are all thinking....Yay! Erica's going to write a blog on boobs!

Let the fun commence. I have been working on putting in a tile backsplash in my kitchen. After training at work yesterday I put on my jammies and began the gross and horrible task of grouting the tile. It was even more awful than I could have imagined. I was about a third of the way through when I realized I would probably need another container of grout. It was 8:15 pm. I would need to make a quick run to Home Depot before they closed.

Here is where the critical decision was made. I was in jammies that were basically sweatpants and a tee. Why change? Yes I had taken off the bra for comfort but why go to the hassle of putting it back on just for home depot? I mean I would be in there 5 minutes max. And I was thinking ahead. I would put on a jacket to further cover up. No prob.

So I headed out with my fleece encased girls and walked in with a box of extra tile to return in my arms. The man at the return desk declined to help me and made me go to the service desk. Jerk. So I returned my tile and went and got more grout. As I walked down the main stretch to self-checkout suddenly JERK is back and in a very artificially cheery voice he asks how he can help me.

Waaaaaait. Weren't you the jerk who refused to help me? Suddenly all the paranoid thinking begins.....OH CRAP I had a box in front of me before. Is he suddenly being helpful because the has eyes with fleece-removing tractor beam vision? Was I walking with too much.....jiggle for my jacket to disguise?

In all likelihood the Jerk saw nothing but going lady commando made me so paranoid I was taught the valuable lesson to never do so again unless I wear a sumo suit or something.

Being lazy was just not worth the mental torture. I am just not a girl who was meant to be "free" .

Bad ideas while dieting

2010-02-24T21:08:00.000-08:00

Just a few thoughts on dieting (eating less drive thru crap is the real plan)....Since I didn't start the day off feeling particularly starved or about to jump off the wagon, what happened to change that?

1) I am really in the mood for some strawberries. I have none. I seem to want to try a little of everything to see if it fills the need. Nope. I still want some strawberries. I am also too lazy to go to the store today and need to paint like...now.

2) Watching the food network is just a bad bad bad idea. I turned it on so my mom could watch something she likes while she was over and it just happened to be Throwdown with Bobby Flay and the challenge was for CHICKEN POT PIES. I think the sight of a golden puff pasty crust and herbs gently floating in a light cream sauce over smoked chicken and pearl onions was the clincher. BAD IDEA.

3) When trying to eat healthier do not buy Easter candy for other people that is supposed to sit around until Easter. Why hello Russell Stovers brownie egg....fancy meeting you here in my otherwise healthy pantry....

4) DO not have your parents order out for better food cause your stuff isn't appealing to them and they are becoming addicted to your local pizza joint as much as you are. MEAN MEAN parents!!!

5) Do not justify to yourself that you just ate dinner at breakfast time so maybe you should add a blueberry eggo or 2 to your meal to make it breakfasty.

6) If your Special K cereal sounds good to you at the moment just eat it cause if you wait an hour you will change your mind and want mac and cheese or pancakes or french bread pizza or all three. I don't know how many times I could have gotten by with the bowl of cereal if I had just eaten it when I first thought of it.

OK that is all for now. I am sure no one cares to hear about this but I need to remind myself.

New Year, Same Me

2010-02-23T01:47:00.000-08:00

I recently joined a local 24 hr fitness now that I am permanently located somewhere it's about time. Oh the fun that has ensued. People should pretend to work out and just people watch. I have been missing out in my apartment gyms all these years.

Day 1-

Arrive at gym. View that there are approximately 200 seemingly fit people there working out. Choose to try the most physically challenging looking cardio there because I am a hard A##.

As I put my feet in the safety pedals look to my side and see an incredibly anorexic girl working out with a time spent of 56 minutes. She is also "striding" with an effort and speed that I would only use if escaping an onrushing lava flow. Holy crap.

No worries, I start my workout and have a respectable speed and calorie burn. I am not in a competition. No wait, maybe I am. As anorexic girl's machine times 60:00 she slows down finally, then looks at my machine. I am four minutes in. Whoopty do. She looks up at me then back at my machine. I am not sure what the gym etiquette is for a polite way to say "Step Off B before I show you just how heavy my fist is" so I keep my thoughts to myself. She gets back on her machine and starts up. She lasts for thirty more minutes as I burn calories with a forced smile on my face and try to torture her to death. I don't sweat alot just as a part of my viking genes so I have a red face but still am as dry and cool as an Irish glen while she looks like she's in the final throes of malaria. Take that! Finally after those thirty extra minutes she steps down, looks at my machine again and walks away. Defeated. YEAH THAT'S RIGHT!! DEFEATED!! OK maybe she had an hour on me but she couldn't outlast me like she planned. I guess she had no extra fat reserves for energy in emergencies. It must be sad to be skinny.

I keep striding like the beast I am. Yeah!! I WIN!! And to prove it I kept on striding for one whole minute longer than it took her to walk down the stairs to the locker room. That's right B. Fat girl strode for like 2 whole minutes longer than you once the challenge began. I then exercised my arms and legs on the various machines to delay going into the locker room and make her think I had really kept striding even longer. Because fat girls are better at games too. Except maybe dodge ball. Then they may have the advantage at dodging.

Day 2 - After debacle of working out with the spartan army on Saturday afternoon I choose to return at 2pm on a weekday. I walk in to many open machines and ....what is this??....hot fireman workout time?? JACKPOT. Oh...but they can see me too. Oh well. It's nice to have motivation.

I head to my fave machine that served me so well. No one else is even using the machines so I am all alone. Bliss! I get going and about 5 minutes in a really really creepy man in his 40's comes and takes the machine right next to me. Really? I am pretty sure you are supposed to take one of the other 10 free ones but I am only 1 day in and know very little gym etiquette as I mentioned before. Ewww. I listen to my ipod and try to not notice he is there. Then a smaller Asian man comes and takes the machine on my other side. GREAT. I seriously almost go and grab another machine since there are now 7 off to the side with no-one.

About 3 minutes later my nose starts to twitch. I wiggle it and take a deep breath in and realize it was signaling a smell alert. My new Asian friend is apparently sweating soy sauce or some other gross smell(insert racial slur here). Fab. I try to not start gagging as time passes and it only gets worse. To my joy, he only strides for a few minutes till it proves too much and he goes to bike. Older man also leaves after only 15 minutes. Finally. I look to my side and a super hot fireman type is now striding. I stop my machine and decide since there is so much eye candy today I should maybe stay a little longer and use the weight machines there instead of my hand weights at home. Can you feel the tingling sensation of a bad decision about to happen?? I can!

I use some kind of shoulder stretching thingy(I'm sure I knew the names in high school when I used machines but whatever). Then I move on to the arm curl(oooh lala I know one). I see a lady positioned on the instructions where it says to adjust the platform till your elbows turn at the same level as the machine bends at. Hrm. I can adjust the platform up and down but I am having some difficulty getting it to match my elbows no matter what I do. I start trying to do some reps and as I feel myself being heaved forward I realize...Boobs. That is the factor they are not including in the adjustment. The platform cannot be made any shorter. I cannot get any closer to the weights across the platform. My spectacular rack is now preventing me from getting anywhere near the correct position. What misogynistic gay troll invented this machine and put a woman ON THE INSTRUCTIONS and didn't realize women have some chest-related space issues?? I don't want to embarrass myself by walking away as a few people were looking at me like I might need help(in a condescending guitar center fashion)so I do the best I can for 3 sets of 10 and then walk away. I went home that night and felt fine.

I woke up in time for work the next night and realized my arms and especially my elbows were killing me. They were super tight. I thought to myself I will warm them up at work lifting babies and everything will be fine. By midnight at work, one of my arms was not locked in a 90 degree angle and needed a sling and the other more at a 30 degree angle. I felt like Randy from A Christmas Story. "I can't straighten my ARMS!!!" I cried. Being at a hospital, but lacking a sling I carried my worse arm with my bad arm all night. The pain and inability to straighten my arms continued for three days.

Moral of the story - Stick to your home hand weights and don't use machines that look like they were made as medieval instruments of torture and entrapment akin to the "rack". Racks and racks don't mix.

Must write again........

2010-02-23T01:15:00.000-08:00

Ok friends, after a loooong hiatus I think I am back in the saddle again. Or on a completely new saddle to be accurate. I have a new ebay impulse purchase buddy. Meet Mini pronounced "meee-neeee" my new couch buddy.

She is lovely, sleek, and was selling ridiculously cheap on ebay because someone did not appreciate her. I felt her pain.

Now Mini and I are able to sit on my couch and get all kinds of things done while I catch up on DVR or am too lazy to sit at my desk. Tonight I did 3 indexing projects while watching the ice dancing free skate. Previously I would have gotten nothing done.

I hope this is the beginning of many posts to come. I need to write as a part of my innate erica-ness. Otherwise some poor sap has to listen to me talk this all out. And then I will still feel like I should have written. What if I come up with some amazing Julie/Julia type blogging idea? I best write my brialliance down.

What NOT to say

2009-09-24T22:48:00.000-07:00

I realize I haven't blogged in quite a while. I've been a busy little bee on my few days off. After spending a lot of time on the computer at work the last thing I want to do lately is get on my computer at home. But you know something would have to inspire me after a while...if only to use my blog to vent.

Upon meeting a person for the first time let me just give a general recommendation. Do not ask WHY they don't have kids.

What could you possibly imagine would be a positive outcome from this question? The only possible responses:

1) I don't want to have kids (ie they don't like kids- let's hope not in my profession)

2) I am physically unable to have kids or trying unsuccessfully

3) I'm single

The best part of this whole thing.......It's not anyone's business why ANYONE doesn't have kids unless they are a close friend and it's shared with them willingly. The fact that I keep on repetitively getting asked this question lately is freaking ridiculous.

Now I understand....I am a pediatric nurse. Moms generally do ask if I have kids of my own at home. I say no.....and they MOVE ON. I can't believe more and more people think it's OK to ask why!!!

I mean....imagine if my answer WAS infertility or something tragic. Are you really prepared to deal with my raw emotions 5 minutes after we meet if I say "I CAN'T HAVE BABIES OF MY OWN! WAAAAHHHHHHH!" and start bawling. Or just quietly tear up.

I always say I don't have any kids right now because I'm single but I plan to have a family some day. I think that's a nice answer to a RUDE RUDE question. But au contraire mon freres. Rude people can't stop there.

"What does being single have anything to do with it? "

"Why don't you just get married then?"

"Why do you think you need a "relationship" to have kids if you really wanted them?"

And with the greatness going on at my work lately parents and guests can be as rude as they wanna be and there's nothing I can do about it or somehow it will all come back on me.

I don't even know how to give a non-rude response to that kind of stuff. I mean anything I can say back to them in response to that makes it look like I'm judging them(The unmarried moms and dads and guests are always the ones asking me all this). Which I don't care about but they bring the topic up and then force me into a corner where all I can do is just say it:

"I believe in marriage before kids"
"I can't force getting married."

I had one woman (illegal alien of course) telling me you have kids just cause you want them and the whole man part is optional and I had everything all wrong. I should just have babies and everything in the government is made to help take care of me. I wanted to SLAP her. On so many levels. (Goodbye tax dollars.. nice knowing you! wheeeeee!)

So anyways... What a fun topic.

These conversations lately have been about as fun as the ones where people ask why I'm not married or why aren't you dating that guy? I love love love getting to point out my own undesirability every time. It's like a instant emotional transport to the debbie downer depression level of Eeyore.

You can imagine a great house party and sparkling conversation and then some idiot asks the dreaded question and instantly I've gone from Pink starting the party to a Donkey on Lexapro "Nobody wants me. I'm all alone. That's why. Now someone pin on my tail again and I'll go float down the river."

Ok venting over. Deep cleansing breaths. I'll try to post a house blog soon after I get the keys next week so I can show all my DIY projects.

Words Glorious Words

2009-08-02T23:54:00.000-07:00

I was thinking today about words that sound just like what they are.

For instance:

Delectable

Putrid

Crust

Splurge

Colostomy

Swamp

Fiasco

Squelch

WickedTickets

Just to name a few.... and of course I can't remember the one word that made me start thinking of this topic. CURSES!!

Roxy gets a Dog-over

2009-08-02T23:50:00.001-07:00

Thanks to Kristen for the idea using Kitty. Roxy is now sporting the "Kate". Now she just needs to have a litter.

The Tale of the Desperate Encounter of E-Shizzle, TinyK, Peanut and Pooh

2009-07-17T20:52:00.000-07:00

Submitted for your reading pleasure......

The Tale of the Desperate Encounter of E-Shizzle, TinyK, Peanut and Pooh

On the blessed occasion of the one score and a half plus one Birthday of E-Shizzle, She and TinyK headed off to Hurricane Holla...I mean Harbor for a day of fun in the sun.

E-Shizzle was garbed in her new black bathing suit with little ruffles around the bosoms. And an extra panel sewn in for the small children in the viewing public. She was also wearing a pair of men's board shorts for her own comfort and security. As her fat was not yet tan or toned it needed to be covered.

TinyK was her usual cute and skinny self in her cute suit. And expensive but useless sunscreen. But I digress.

Both lovely ladies made it to the park and had the most charming time riding the rides and burning the @#$ out of their feet. Nachos, Chicken strips, Strawberry Daquiris. Oh my!

And Oh! the people watching. They were having a great time. Since the criminals who manage the park made certain rides open late, the girls were happy when one of their faves was finally open for business. The girls ran, and ran, and walked fast, and ...gasp.....trudged, then dragged up the stairs to the ride. As they almost made it to the top they heard a voice behind them.

"Do you ladies know if this ride is scary?"

E-Shizzle and TinyK looked at each other. Uh. what?

E-Shizzle answered "It's not as bad as Geronimo. There's an 8yr old in front of us riding it. I think you'll be fine"

A fine young black man approached her. "My name's Peanut and this is my man Pooh. "

E-Shizzle and TinyK tried to contain their hysteria.

"Me and Pooh came up here and rented a hotel for a while and got passes to Six Flags and Hurricane Harbor to have fun going back and forth for a while. So where are you ladies from? Do you have plans tonight?"

Pooh looked on disinterestedly like he'd seen Peanut rejected many times before. Pooh also had some unfortunate man-grooming issues that should have been resolved before removing his shirt, so maybe he was just anticipating rejection for himself.

Tiny K answered and said "We're from Richardson and it's my sister's birthday so we have to go home early for a family dinner party", the lie pouring forth like water from a tube chute.

Peanut replied" Are you sure you can't come party with us at the hotel?"

E- Shizzle said "Sorry but no thanks."

Peanut then counter offered " It's your birthday. I promise I can make it special"

OH NO HE DI'ENT!!!

TinyK at this point says "How old are you guys? " hoping of course that she can tell them to try with girls their own age.

Peanut says " Well I'm thirty. How old are you two?"

FOILED AGAIN!! Tiny K says in a depressed little voice "I'm 26 and my sister is turning 31 today" to which Peanut replies " So we are just the right ages!!"

So TinyK pulls out the big guns and quickly says into the awkward silence(in a strangely loud voice)"I have a boyfriend."

E-Shizzle thinks to herself. Wow. That sounds believable.

Peanut says" Oh, well we should still party sometime. How can I get y'all's numbers?"

E-Shizzle and TinyK look at each other like how can this man be any more desperate? And yet Peanut wasn't bad looking. Sad.

TinyK says" Ummm we're all at Hurricane Harbor. It's not like anyone has a phone or a pen with them in their bathing suit. Sorry."

At this point even Pooh is getting annoyed. Pooh makes some "Oh well! and Darn maybe next time" type gestures and mutters and tries to shuffle off.

Peanut is not one to give up though. " Really? How am I gonna get your numbers? This is so annoying."

At this point E-Shizzle is totally enjoying keeping quiet and hearing what crap TinyK will say next.

"There's really no way you CAN get our numbers. OH WELL" Says TinyK in a very final way.

Peanut then awkwardly turns to face the oncoming ride. " So you're sure this ride isn't too scary?" Pooh snorts.

And E-Shizzle and Tiny K hope that by the time they reach the bottom of the slide they will once again be free to roam the park sans desperate Peanut and Pooh. But oh the story they will have to tell their friends.......

Little did Peanut know, but he did make E-Shizzle's birthday special.

The Tale of Shop-E and the Stalk-Squad

2009-06-18T22:03:00.001-07:00

Put on your Texas Summer Parkas my friends for the chilling .......

Tale of Shop-E and the Stalk-Squad

Whilst perusing homes earlier in the week Shop-E started snapping pics of the amazing house she was planning to bid on (alas-to no avail) when she realized 3/4 of the pictures reminded her of her evil nemesis' mind .....dark and shady....

OH SNAP!! Shop-E's precious camera- her birthday present after coming home from her mission full of crap-tastic photos, was once again dead. That's right. For the second time. The first time the factory recalled the problem and it got revived for free but this appeared to be Taps for the trusty buddy.

What was a shamelessly shopportunistic girl like Shop-E to do? Check out the open box items online at her local Microcenter and then go to Best Buy to play with the merchandise first.

Our darling Shop-E entered the store and was met by the door greeter/ineffectively skinny security guy. He asked if she needed help. Nope. She walked on to the cameras. To meet up with the official Geek Squad. Nope. And another Geek. Nope. This was getting REDONKULOUS!! Shop-E picked up a few cameras of which only half actually would turn on. How can you pick out a camera if you can't even see it's displays?? At which point (about 30- seconds after entering the camera area and turning down geeks 2 & 3) the manager approaches Shop-E.

"Hello." says the manager(ummmmm...... did I stumble into Buy Mart? thinks Shop-E? It's a big black grumpy manager!! Where's Chuck??)

"Hi"
" Can we help you today? "
"Nope. I know what I'm looking for."
"Well you seem to not want our help."
"You're right. I don't need help. But thanks."
"I'm not sure why you keep turning down help. We are here for you."

At this point Shop-E is ready to give the manager a piece of her mind but decides to shame him instead.

"The only help I really need is for you to make the electrical connection to your cameras actually work. Half of the cameras won't turn on despite being connected with the power light glowing."
The manager turns greenish. "Ummm.......can you show me that?"
Shop-E hands him the camera she is holding which, to his chagrin, is lit up like Christmas on the power connector but won't turn on.
Manager turns to Geek #3." Can you just get one out that has a fresh battery. Heh heh. This camera appears to be...uh... not working well"

Geek #3 opens a new camera and hands it to Shop-E.
Manager then says" Aren't you glad you spoke to us? See we are very helpful!"

Shop-E gives him a look that tells him what she thinks of a store where "help" has to be there to fix broken merchandise.
Shop-E then takes the little camera around to compare it to the others that are actually working. After a few minutes Shop-E decides that none of the cameras are speaking to her. None say " I am zee camera' of jour dreemz E" so she hand the camera back to Geek #3 , says thanks, and heads out.

It is only as Shop-E entered the Half-Price Books next door that she realized her purse was gaping open. She must not have zipped it after getting out of her car. WOW.

And now the question must be answered......was Shop-E being harassed because Best Buy cannot leave people alone for one stinking minute if you are there on a weekday at 2(a valid theory) or did those dorks really think she was gonna shove a camera in her purse??? A camera that was freaking dead bolted to the display table??? There was no portable merchandise in the area she was shopping!! Holy Cow people!!

And her purse is CU-UTE! Not the purse of a stealer one would hope. And so jammed packed she couldn't have fit in a camera with the counter attached one would guess.

And so the episode of Best Buy Harassment with remain a mystery!

And Shop-E might just have to go to Fry's. Where she might get in REAL trouble.

E-Disharmony

2009-05-22T23:25:00.000-07:00

Due to the request that I include these gems in my blog..... I now give to you all a hidden treasure and the reason I am not an internet dater.

These come from a while back when I joined e-harmony to support a friend and THIS is who they thought I was compatible with. Among other more normal men.

Their profiles are in black and my comments in hot pink. The spelling mistakes are all their own. I cut and pasted their profiles with some info removed to protect identities. Although if you knew these two I am sure you might recognize them.

GORDON
Occupation: I work eight hours a day.

The one thing gordon is most passionate about:

Most passionate about my family and a healthy life style. I enjoy talking and dating l.d.s. woman. I enjoy motorsports vehicles, and just relaxing around the home on days off from work. I like be near the lakes, rivers, and ponds in the summer time and during winter, be indoors. I eat a varity of healthy foods like salads and vegetables(I’m glad to know this information!! Do you run with scissors? I need to know that too.) I drink water, no candy, pop or milk.(Yay!! A man who is 5’5 and hates food…..I can be Jack Sprat’s wife….a lifelong dream to be the 0 in a 10 relationship can now be fulfilled)

The three things which gordon is most thankful for:

My personal rights to speak English (I am soooo excited that you are so focused on your political right to speaking English that you even include it in dating profiles…then again it’s probably easy to be racist when you can’t eat any of our nation’s delicious ethnic foods as most include demon cheese), choosing to vote, and read and write as I wish.

Give and recieve love by friends, and family members.

Have a great physical body, and can experince many good feelings. (Please keep this part about your body’s ability to experience good feelings to yourself in the future)

The most influential person in gordon's life has been:

Many teachers have been influential in my life. Honestly, Jesus Christ is the best example of a great life here on earth taught by reading the scriptures. There are many good examples in life, happening all the time, but did you see them or are you blind? When was the last time you helped someone in need? (HOLY CRAP!!! I thought we were a total love match Gordon… I was feeling good feelings in my physical body and then POW you call me out for being selfish……you condemnatory minx!)

gordon's friends describe him as:

Hard Working
Intelligent
Kind
Spiritual

Three of gordon's best life-skills are:

Raising and/or caring for children (Isn’t that a little premature to say?)
Maintaining an organized life
Making improvements and repairs around the house

The most important thing gordon is looking for in a person is:

Looking for an active lds woman who will be my best friend; whick will talk to me, give advise when asked(speak only when spoken to?), be a good listener when explaining a situation to her, help do home projects in and out doors on our home(slave labor). Caring for each other is important too. I like the story of the tree, wanting it to be balanced, where the trunk, limbs and leaves are all in good shape, and if possible, finding the seedlings and sap. We must have quailities that are close to each other.(I don’t think I have enough sap for us to be compatible unfortunately )

The first thing you'll probably notice about gordon when you meet him:

That I'm honest w/ other people(cause you can’t hide crazy!! ), happy, see the good in something or a person.

The one thing gordon wishes MORE people would notice about him is:

I have great teeth and smile. I brush them alot, to keep clean and white.(Here’s where the OCD becomes obvious)

gordon typically spends his leisure time:

My leisure time is spent doing activities in or near homes.(Hiding in closets or behind bushes) I see the county fairs in fall, car shows in summer and spring is busy w/ home expo. Leisure time is watching tv for two hrs a day, doing something for a person, and spending alot of time on the computer to chat to the ladies, so I CAN go on a date. It take time to wash and keep items clean and neat in your houses and yard. I shop alot for new parts and pieces whick make a home improve in quality and function.

The things gordon can't live without are:

Electrical appliance. (I am afraid to ask which one)
A home or place to live.
Money to buy food.
Eight hour to sleep.
Clean clothes, mind, and body. (He really took this too literally I think- like it’s a science and not a personality question)

The last book gordon read and enjoyed:

I enjoy reading mag. more than books. I go often to a Barns and Noble store in the mall and flip through them. I spend a few hrs. each month as new editions are released on to the shelfes. I read books that will teach me how to do a skill better, for work or employment needs. I just read book on stuff that would be fun to do as a hobbie or fun. (I have bin waiting my hole life to find man who shares my hobbie of snicking into Barnse & Nooble and look at mags but not have to pay for them. And Gordon seims to be handy so maybe he can help instal my book shelfes. Bee stil my beeteng hart.)

One thing that only gordon's best friends know is:

NO eatting or drinking of milk products, icecream, yogurts, cottage cheese, and milk. I LIKE TO EAT PIZZA, but get it with no cheese. I have alot of small molles all over my body.

Some additional information gordon wanted you to know is:

I'm have three other brothers, one sister, and parents who are still alive.(Is he implying there are ones who AREN’T still alive?) I like to operate gas powered vehicles.(Are wood chippers gas powered? Just asking…) I'm not outdoors when the weather is really hot or cold, an example, above 90 and below 30. The seasons that I like best are spring and fall, based on temperature of outdoors. I like to exercise, and try two times a wk. I enjoy doing water sports; swimming, fishing and boating. I'm a handsome guy, but not a model. My waist is 32 and inseam is 29. I obey the "Law of Chasity and Word of Wisdom" I like the colors red and blue. I have built a small garge and rebuild alot of homes, concrete work, walls,(concrete in walls where he hides bodies maybe?) window and doors, plumbing.

AND NOW FOR YOUR VIEWING PLEASURE THE TOTAL CONTRAST OF

DANIEL

The one thing Daniel is most passionate about:

My religion is central to my life. I will only marry in an LDS temple. I am very involved in local politics, having won an election or two in the County Republican party. I feel I have an obligation to my future children to work now on their behalf. I believe we have a responsibility to learn all we can in this life, and to do the right thing, even when it hurts. I am passionate about music, theater, and literature.

The three things which Daniel is most thankful for:

Obvious : God, Country, and Family

Personal : My Testimony, Kung Fu, and Birds (Lets get 2 Love Birds and name them Little grasshopper and Lamoni if we get married…..we can combine all your faves)

Whimsy : Jelly Bellies, The Desert Star Playhouse, and Tickling Little Kids (molester?)

The most influential person in Daniel's life has been:

There are a great many men I admire. I have been privileged to know some of the finest people God ever created. Soldiers, Teachers, Children, Authors, Thinkers, Tinkerers, Clergy, and Astronauts. My Father is greater than them all.

Daniel's friends describe him as:

Intelligent
Kind
Funny
Spiritual

Three of Daniel's best life-skills are:

Continuing to expand my knowledge and awareness
Finding creative solutions to everyday problems
Communicating my innermost thoughts and feelings

The most important thing Daniel is looking for in a person is:

I am looking for a phenomenal woman who will not only love me, but can sustain me in fulfilling the full measure of our purpose here on earth. She loves her country, her family, and her God. She is affectionate physically and verbally. She is happy looking out over a forested lake, in a formal gown at the symphony, or putting her hands in finger paint. She is fit, feminine, and confident. She loves to laugh, and will do it all the more when I am with her. She seeks out truth, wherever it leads, and inspires all with her integrity and grace. Most important, she is prepared to be loved, protected, and cherished for eternity. ( I think she is prepared…….to be translated….GEEZ!!)

The first thing you'll probably notice about Daniel when you meet him:

My Confidence. Often mistaken as arrogance, regrettably,(Arrogant?? Quel surprise!) but I know exactly who I am. I am a son of God. I am the man I want to be, and the kind of man I hope my future daughters find.(I think my hands are literally reaching out to strangle him through cyberspace) I always trust my instincts. They are based in my own experience and in gospel principals.

The one thing Daniel wishes MORE people would notice about him is:

My Candor. I speak no guile. I will only lie if I think it's funny(what a relief!). Makes dating very difficult, but I know my patience will pay off in time. The right woman will love me for it.

Daniel typically spends his leisure time:

I love stories. On page, stage, or film. I devour books. I am writing a book (me, and half of America). I almost always have music playing. Might be John Denver, Beasie Boys, Mozart's Requiem, or Harry Connick Jr. I like to sing, and know alot of Irish drinking songs. And Scottish. And Australian.

The things Daniel can't live without are:

Life - In all it's varied splendor.
Liberty - God bless America
Pursuit of Happiness - 2 Nephi 2:25
Sunlight- I'm just a happy dork in the Perriwinkle (Is a comment necessary?)
Water - I love being wet. Squirt guns or pools.

The last book Daniel read and enjoyed:

Last book was "Lone Survivor - The Eyewitness Account of Operation Redwing and the Lost Heroes of SEAL Team 10". I can not read the title without choking up. God bless those brave, brave souls. I find the books I read most often are the books I loved as a child. I've read and re-read "The Black Cauldron" series, Enders Game, Cyrano, 3 Musketeers, Frankenstien and Dune at least a dozen times each. Maybe more. I also read the "Book of Mormon" (at least one verse) every single day.

One thing that only Daniel's best friends know is:

I have no secrets. Though very active as a young man, I left the Church for a few years in my late teens-early twentys. I am grateful for the pain and hunger that led me back home. It has forged my testimony in adamant. I have not faltered since my return 7 years ago. His goodness, like a fetter, has bound my wandring heart to him. I consider myself a convert.( English experts…….I have never seen adamant used that way? Is that a correct usage- it sounds weird…..but then again he IS weird)

Some additional information Daniel wanted you to know is:

I am a lover and a fighter. A warrior poet, if you will. Gruff, at times, yet beloved by children. I tinker. I laugh. I tickle. Doing field repair means I work with my hands, and with my mind. I am a disk jockey who loves the quiet. A country boy who loves rock and roll. A son of God who can do without Provo. My mind is efficient, strategically bent, analytical, and precise, yet I always follow my instincts. I know that God wants an exceptional life from every last one of us. And I intend to deliver. (He’s a warrior poet and tickler?? HOLY CRAP?!! Like a mix of William Wallace and red fuzzy muppet. Make me yours Tickle- Me Maximus!!)

The End.

The Tale of Little E and the Suicidal Aged

2009-04-26T22:05:00.000-07:00

Little E had been feeling old. Not ancient, but very mature compared to the 18 yr olds around her and the boys, yes boys, in their late twenties trying to date them. Constantly bugged at work about how and when she was ever going to meet anyone she heard of a magical gathering of mature single mo's and knew it was the perfect answer. She looked at her Calendar of Despair and had the weekend free. Little E was overjoyed. New friends! New scene! So much to look forward too.

Little E fretted all week about what she would wear for comfort as it seemed she might be sitting all day and then dancing. Little E fretted that she wouldn't fit in. Luckily Little E's friends Reluctant Ri and JJ were going to go with her and it made all her worries disappear.

The day dawned and Little E got 4 amazing hours of sleep the night before and dragged herself out of bed. She barely had time to get dressed and didn't even really dry her hair. She packed some water and a raincoat for the cloudy day and she was off. Reluctant Ri texted she would be late. Little E wished she had slept in too. Meeting up with JJ, Little E had a fabulous drive to exotic distant Arlington. The two friends entered the building and their natural exuberance was immediately hushed by the startling scene before them. Elderly people shuffled in and out of the chapel. A medic room was set up next to the door for casualties. The scent of roses and moth balls pervaded the arctic air. Everyone that turned to see Little E and JJ was extremely overly excited. They were given name tags and schedules and note pads and everyone was very kind. They entered the chapel to see an endless sea of seniors and the handicapped. Little E wondered if they had made a wrong turn or gotten false information, but no. This was the place. Just not the place for Little E and JJ. And Reluctant Ri who shortly arrived.

At lunch time they were given mini sized sandwiches and big cookies and a pile of chips. Little E wondered if the tiny sandwich was trying to suggest something. But they were told to grab extras if they were still hungry and HECK YES they were. They then brought out fruit after Little E had already gotten ill from eating 2 cookies to get full. So sad. This is how you make people fat thought Little E. Serve fruit for dessert.

Then Little E, JJ and Reluctant Ri headed back to the chapel for the endless setlist. Errmmm.. I mean the Conference workshops. 4 straight hours in the coldest chapel known to man. Little E felt both her leg hair AND arm hair growing. And icicles forming in her still damp hair. And poor Reluctant Ri was dressed for a sunny summer's day. And unprepared with extra coat. Luckily JJ went to her car and got out her trusty plaid camping blanket just for such occasions. And the event hosts began passing out fleece lap blankets to all of the wheelchairs in the front of the chapel. Little E wondered why only the handicapped were supposed to be freezing their A##es off. Hrm?

Hours passed. Wonderful talks were given, but all Little E could think about was how much longer she was expected to sit there in that chapel. Should she try to build an igloo like an Eskimo? Maybe the cold was to encourage cuddling but there was no one cuddle-able for her. The three friends minds wandered. Finally they took a break outside to warm up. They did not want to go back in due to the cold and general booty numbness, but they pressed on. As the hours passed Little E began to get the impression that the speakers considered the audience to be filled with deeply depressed old fogies who needed to be prevented from committing suicide. As the hymns about sunshine and the talks about life taking "different" paths kept on and on Little E began to feel an uncomfortabl-ness and coldness that had nothing to do with the temperature. A short light was seen in the abyss of deep depression when the Texas Boys Choir sang for the seated popsicle-people. But then they went back for another few hours about trying to stay cheerful when your life is meaningless and empty. Little E thought she had heard the worst, but was unprepared for the upcoming special musical number. As the woman started to sing " I know you are on the edge, unable to hang on any more, in deep despair.....etc" Little E felt a burning urge inside her. She felt her limbs moving almost on their own to stand. She forced her legs to be still. But her mouth was starting to move too. She could feel a mighty shout building up inside her. She wanted to scream " SHUT UUUUUUPPPPP!!!!!" from the depths of her frozen soul. But she did not.

Finally the un-magical gathering came to an end. Oh awaited hour! Little E was so relieved. Reluctant Ri made a faster exit than Taco Bell in a model with IBS. JJ and Little E looked at each other wondering could they stand to stay even a moment longer or might they venture to meet and mingle at the dance? Heck yes they did!! As the dance started Little E went to the restroom and met a nice lady in her 40's. Maybe the closest person to Little E in age. Little E watched as she straightened her "I Love JESUS!" sparkle pin on her turtleneck sweater. Little E knew she was in for a fun filled night.

The dance took place in a cruise decorated gym. The walls were fake cruise ship rails with life preservers. Lemonade and water fountains adorned the snack table along with mints and bags of frosted animal cookies. As the DJ broke into the "Danger Zone" so did the white haired dancers who shook what they had in a non-age appropriate, yet restrained way. Little E's eyes widened. Holy Schnikies! An older man who had dressed for their unannounced theme in a tropical shirt and hat picked unsuspecting women out and asked every single one of them to dance- for only a few moments before picking out another and abandoning his current victim. Please let him skip me prayed Little E in her head. She developed a sudden urge to lock herself in JJ's car in the parking lot. At that moment a different seemingly nice older man asked JJ to dance and said he'd be back for Little E. OK, thought Little E, I am about to officially enter the waters of the Oldies Cruise Dance. As the man came back for her the gentle strains of Usher's "Yeah Yeah" began to play. The man was unfazed. They began to shake it. Little E realized she was completely a dork dancing to Usher if she was unable to truly shake her booty. She felt like she was all arms and frozen old lady hips. Her booty wanted to take on a life of its own. Little E said "No booty. You shall not get your fix of Usher tonight. " As Usher asked for a lady in the street and a freak in the bed Little E looked to see shocked faces but then realized the sweet people around her probably couldn't hear the lyrics anyways. How awkward to dance with a man in his 60's to Usher. Little E returned to her seat and continued to dance on occasion with men nowhere near her age. At one point Little E introduced herself to some people her own age, but they seemed uninterested in dancing. How sad. Truly Little E had entered a depressing world.

She and JJ finally decided to escape the wraith like claws of the retirement cruise of death and headed back to their happy and comfortably room-temperature homes. They bid adieu to their new found friends and what the? The light went on and the dance was over. They had stayed til the end?? This was unacceptable. They had meant to cut out early. What a weird dance. No last slow songs or anything?? Really? None?

Ok forget the graceful exit. JJ and Little E hightailed it out of there to miss all of the Lincoln Continentals backing out at 0.5 miles an hour. See ya lata!! They sped out of the parking lot with a squeal of the wheels and not a backward glance, glad to leave behind the most depressing experience of their short short short(did I mention they were young? ) lives.

Roxy Update

2009-04-25T00:42:00.000-07:00

How cute is she now????? I believe her ears are getting reception from Timbuktu.

Why My B-Day Rocks...... GO SEVEN SEVEN!!!!

2009-04-25T00:02:00.000-07:00

To start off with....no you all did not miss it.......It's July 7th.

Yeah that's right ........the coolest day ever. 7-7 baby. We won't talk about the year but it also includes 7.

So.....I got the grand idea of wiki-ing my b-day to see what historical significance it has and you all can judge for yourselves how much my b-day is truly "me". And yes I might have saved this blog for my b-day but I might forget it the way my memory is working right now( Yay lack of sleep!) so I'll post it now anyways.

My fave events of 7-7:

1456 – A retrial verdict acquits Joan of Arc of heresy 25 years after her death. (Awesome- God CAN speak to women ye turds of France!)

1846 – Mexican-American War: American troops occupy Monterey and Yerba Buena, thus beginning the United States conquest of California.( We're going back to Cali- to Cali, to Cali)

1898 – President William McKinley signs the Newlands Resolution annexing Hawaii as a territory of the United States.( Heck Yes!! Aloha!! Sign me up!)

1928 – Sliced bread is sold for the first time by the Chillicothe Baking Company of Chillicothe, Missouri. It is described as “the greatest forward step in the baking industry since bread was wrapped". ( Just proving once again the theory that I may be the greatest thing since sliced bread)

1947 – Alleged and disputed Roswell UFO incident.( The truth is out there)

1953 – Che Guevara sets out on a trip through Bolivia, Peru, Ecuador, Panama, Costa Rica, Nicaragua, Honduras, and El Salvador.( Shout out Mendoza!! Aguantele Argentina!!)

There was bad news too but I'll ignore that.

And now..... the birthdays in common with me!!!!

1860 – Gustav Mahler, Austrian composer (d. 1911) (YAY- Music and Austria!!)

1887 – Marc Chagall, Russian painter (d. 1985) (Yay Pretty Paintings!! sigh.)

1899 – George Cukor, American director (d. 1983) ( Yay director of part of Gone with the Wind and My Fair Lady!)

1943 – Joel Siegel, American film critic (d. 2007) (Yay being judgemental about movies!)

1949 – Shelley Duvall, American actress( Yay Faerie Tale Theater! Who owns all the DVD's ME that's who! thanks to Gabby for clearing up which Shelley was rocking my b-day)

1959 – Billy Campbell, American actor (Yay for Hot Men!)

1966 – Jim Gaffigan, American comedian (Don't be jealous cause we can have cake and hot pockets!)

1980 – Michelle Kwan, American figure skater (Yay figure skaters who are asian!! Shout out Kristi and Michelle - you're still my girlz!)

And now deaths......which I think are pretty significant

1890 – Henri Nestlé, Founder of Nestlé S.A. (b. 1814) (And he left me a legacy of chocolate.....bless him)

1930 – Arthur Conan Doyle, Scottish writer (b. 1859) (And so the game was afoot!)

1973 – Veronica Lake, American actress (b. 1919) (The previous icon of sexy blonde hair and sweaters. The torch must be passed)

And now you have my ode to my own birthday. 7-7 you are indeed the coolest and I salute you. And myself. We rock.

More on my Millionaire Matchmaker obsession

2009-04-02T21:58:00.000-07:00

So...... you all know how I love to watch Millionaire Matchmaker? That show is CRACK I tell you! Who the crap cares about watching people live together in a house, or work for Trump, or go to rehab, or try to date a perv rock star? People want to see total creeps try to date pretty girls who are willing to date them for their money........ and then see the creeps get ripped apart by Patty Stanger about their dating skillz or lack thereof. This is quality reality TV.

This is Shauna the lady millionaire. 20 yr old male models are lining up!

The latest season has me in it's grip. There are women millionaires....my favorite one was Shauna, botox and restylaned into a shell of a tight face. And wanted to find herself an Ashton Kutcher. They then paraded all of these young hot studs(seriously-drool) in front of her and they all claim they like her and are into older women blah blah blah. Are you kidding me? YEAH- you're into an older woman who is as hot as Demi Moore. Are you into a woman whose face has been tightened and frozen and who already has skinny frail old lady body? Seriously? No -that's right....you're into her money. Geez. I feel bad for women who can't read it when a man is lying. I mean Ashton didn't go looking for a hot mom to date. He just happened to meet Demi. Do you really think there are a ton of really really fine young men out there who WANT to be with a woman in her forties? I mean I know about the "cougar" thing but the women prey on them in that case. Or they are sick kiddos looking for a replacement mom. This is not a healthy form of relationship. And I feel the same about the reverse ....if men who are 50 think a 20 yr old hottie with her head on straight picks you as her first choice.....you are mistaken. Ask just about anyone......"would you prefer to marry a rich man who is within 10 yrs of your age or a rich man with a 20 yr age difference?" They will pick close to their age. Now ask "would you date a poor man within 10 yrs of your age or a rich man 20 yrs older?" and the answers get all mixed up depending on the person. And the difference was MONEY.

I mean- why are all of these people OK with being paraded like meat in front of millionaires? Money! And they're just hoping to find a millionaire who doesn't look like a troll. Or maybe only a little like a troll. It is VERY rare to see a couple together on that show that I think would last if the millionaire lost all their money.

The worst is that they pretend they aren't letting the millionaires "buy" a relationship. This is NOT like a dating in the real world. Or even like a normal matchmaking service. I mean- if they had real dating skills they would just date, and if they had a hard time meeting women they would join a normal dating service. They join Patty's service because they know that they will get to pick from a room full of perfect 10's who will all fake interest in them for the rest of their lives the way women in a dating service would not...because Patty's girls know they are millionaires. In a real dating service...these men could never find anyone without saying "I am rich". And they would still get rejected by tons of women who could care less about your money if you are a robo-nerd or a creep. Patty weeds out the possibility that the women will reject you right off the bat. You have to work to prove to them the money isn't worth tolerating you.

Occasionally there are pretty successful women in the 10's and I think they really are just trying to find men who are motivated and successful like they are, but they NEVER get picked although Patty sets them up sometimes for mini dates. The creeps and the nerds always go for the airhead 20 yr old. I bet the normal millionaires who want to date a normal good woman are probably not on TV. I admit it would be more like watching a wedding story or a baby story on TLC if they showed normal men dating. Gag. Who wants to see normal people date? Not me.

I am perfectly content to watch looneys buy themselves a date. Bring it on.

Why the Internetz Rock!

2009-04-02T21:45:00.000-07:00

So last night at work, I was sitting there chilling with my homegirlz and discussing an upcoming singles conference that one wants to attend with me. Fun! So one of the girl comes up with the idea that we should all try sped dating together. She asked us all if we had done it before and we all said no, so she said we needed to try it out together to see if it would work.

So she tries to look up a speed dating service in Dallas to contact them later and get some info. And what does her search return to us? A list of local cheap motels. Literally. I can't remember what search engine she was using, but it came back with motel locations. We literally died laughing.

I asked her if she had accidentally looked up "quickie" instead of "speed" but nope- I looked over her shoulder and it was speed dating in Dallas.

I am personally scared by the idea of speed dating as it sort of forces you to quick judgements based on awkward first date conversation. I mean what are they gonna think of me?

Wow- she's a little chunky and she managed to fit a H of a lot of words in 60 seconds, some of which I think she intentionally mispronounced to sound more "ghetto". SCARY!

Those are things that someone will inevitable know about me, but do I want them to be the sole basis of a future date's decision? No.

Roxy!

2009-03-04T20:04:00.000-08:00

More pics of the pup called Roxy!

Shaved belly courtesy of gettin fixed.

WHAT IS THAT THING IN FRONT OF ME??!!!

See all my pretty colors?? I'm a fluffy brindle!

My New Pup- as yet unnamed

2009-03-04T13:14:00.001-08:00

It's a girl! My new puppy- freshly washed and home from the SPCA!!!!

Now that my blog is already a total downer.....

2009-03-01T23:44:00.000-08:00

SO I got robbed of a puppy this weekend. Not once but TWICE.

I found out that I can't have new puppies at my apartments complex so I need to get a dog like...yesterday to make sure it's old enough when I move in. I am not one to be forced into dog-motherhood by outside forces, but I found the cutest dog ever online this Friday night. Her name was Molly(more on that) and she was a pug-chihuahua-terrier mix which translated to looking like none of those breeds, but a sweet teeny white and tan English bulldog with a smooshy nose. SO STINKING CUTE!!!!

So I go visit her at Petsmart Saturday morning and long story short I made it to the top of the list and she was mine. Only prob- all prospective parents need a home visit from the rescue agency. They were supposed to stop by and look and leave the dog with me right after the Petsmart event closed. So I waited at home. Dee deee. Check watch.....an hour passes. It sure must take alot of time to pack up puppies in crates.....crickets chirp... paint dries... So finally my mom produces the rescue president's card out of her purse which we have been looking for for an hour. I call her. Where is Molly? She says.....uh.......you don't have your dog yet??? Let me call the lady who was gonna drop her off.

So ten minutes later......OOOPS!!! The lady drove your dog over to the house of another applicant further down the list cause she got the applicants order mixed up. Sorry!!! Want an adult chihuahua consolation prize?? No? Ok bye!

So I miss my evening plans waiting around and don't get my precious dog. Woe is me. What a disorganized pain!!! My heart is ripped out. Blah Blah.

Then like an hour later she calls again. Ummmm....you wanted the pug Molly right? Not the shepherd Molly? I say yes....the pug was supposed to be mine. So she says........OH MY GOODNESS!!!! I made a huge mistake. We didn't give your dog away!!!! I can be at your house ASAP if you want!! I say no- you can just come tomorrow. That's fine. So we arrange to meet at noon.

I go buy my dog a collar and leash, food, a bed. And spend all night thinking of puppy names and typing up a list.

So this morning at 11:30 she leaves me a voicemail that OOOOPS!!! She did give my dog away. And OOOPSSS!!! A tragic accident this morning killed the brother of my dog so there's no other options. And she can't talk now- she's too scarred by the accident.

Seriously? SERIOUSLY!!!??? I mean she got me mad the first time she screwed up. Really mad. But to call me and reconfirm I was actually gonna get my dog and still be mistaken???I mean- how did she confirm that she still had my dog? I am not sure how you can be wrong about still having a pug among 10 chihuahuas. Especially after spending an hour double checking. And to share the unnecessary but painful info that the other puppy died???

My heart got ripped apart 2 times for NO REASON!!!!! GRRRRRR!!!!!

So basically had she been competent in any way I would have gotten my dog at 5 yesterday and the other pup would have gone to a runner-up applicant. But no. She screwed up so badly that not only did the wrong people get my dog, but one died at her house???

Also- apparently they thought they were being cute and cashing in on "Marley and me" and had a litter of pugs(mine) and a litter of shepherds that they all gave the same names all starting with "m" so they were all mollyies and marlies and maggies etc. And they had leftover M chihuahuas from other litters. Ummmm....I think anyone could have said that was a stupid idea. They couldn't even keep track in conversation at Petsmart of who they were talking about.

If I am in a pissy mood for like the next ......year....you all will know why. She has messed up all my "happy places" cause my calming thoughts usually involve cuddling with dogs, and the prospect of my new apartment. Both of which are now tainted.

And no, I don't want to go to the local shelter and get a pit bull mix to fill the void. And yes I have tried to find another cute small dog on Petfinder today and they are all ugly and awful and have behavior probs cause they are the Sunday night leftovers.

And to all you a-holes on craigslist......NO, nobody wants your 3 yr old lab/pit mix now that she's badly trained and you are sick of her and also NO, nobody is gonna take her off your hands AND pay a "rehoming" fee of 500 dollars!!!! What the?? A rehoming fee?? Sorry Billy Ray, your idea of how to get more drinkin' money crapped out.

AAAHHHHHHHH!! The humanity!!!!!!!!

Further Evidence that Mean People Suck

2009-02-03T21:11:00.000-08:00

So today I was minding my own business, driving along trying to go to the mall to avoid traffic. Yes- that is my justification. I could spend an hour shopping or and hour mad at people parked on 75. I chose the mall. So anyways....

I am driving into the parking lot and an elderly lady visibly limping/hunched over starts to cross the road in front of me. I stop to wait for her to cross the road and a dude in a silver mustang(that car is a WHOLE other blog topic) pulls up behind me. The car waits a split second and then lays on the horn. What the???!?!! I turn to look behind me in disbelief. SERIOUSLY??!!! I can't wait for the lady to cross the road?? Are you kidding me? The old lady stopped and glared in his general direction.

Later I went home tonight and watched a TV show "What Would You Do?" for a special Dateline segment where they had a hidden camera to see if people would intervene in different bad situations. What was awful to me was realizing the actors they hired to play the complete jerks were so accurate to real life. One of the situations was a baby left in a car in hot weather. I remember my dad laying into a woman at a Hobby Lobby parking lot when I was in high school. She was getting out and left her newborn in the car seat and like an 18 month old climbing around the seats and just walked off toward the store. He was all....um...excuse me but are you intending to leave your kids in the car? Of course she was and she then tried to lay into him for interfering a la Dateline. Never one to mince words when defending truth and right, I believe my dad used words like CPS and police, child abuse, jailtime, citizen's arrest, and foster care, and she got back in her car and drove off.

I also was introduced by my dear sister to the joy of Jeana's son Shane on Real Housewives of Orange County. For any other non-watchers this charmer is a 21 yr old minor league ball player which puts him above the other kids in the series because he at least is pursuing a career-ish. His mom and little brother and another housewife friend flew to Chicago to see him play. So he wasn't in the original lineup so he texts his mother something to the effect of "Don't you %^&^come here or I'll kill you" . Her friend is HORRIFIED he talks to her that way and they go to the game anyways. It is a meet and greet for all the fans so they go to see him before the game. He screams obscenities at her in front of the small kid fans and storms off the field. Then after the game- he actually plays after a lineup change and is MVP. So at a celebratory dinner he tells people not to talk to his mother because she is loud and annoying and they need to teach her a lesson. Then he tells her that she is lucky he didn't hit her in the face with a bat for disobeying him and coming to the game. Then he tells her he wishes she were on life support so he could pull the plug already and get his inheritance and stop working. And he says all of these things with obscenities laced throughout in front of even more friends of hers and their small children and his girlfriend(what is she thinking??). I was so sickened by him. And what's worse is his little brother is talking to mom that way too.

My sister has a natural selection idea for cars where you install a paintball gun on cars so you can hit them when they drive like freaks and then you will be able to see the accident causers coming from their paint job. She also thinks you should earn your car with driving skills so that bad drivers get a used pinto etc. I LOVE this idea but I wish it worked for people too. I wish all of the jerks I saw today had gotten paintballed to mark them forever as the selfish evil people they are.

It was a depressing day for humanity for me. I don't know how some people grow up to treat everyone so badly. Can't people just live by the golden rule? How can you miss the "let old ladies cross the street" lesson? No one doesn't know that? And who A) cusses out their own mother and B) does it in front of her friends and little kids. Who doesn't know you don't drop f-bombs in front of kids? I want to hit that Shane dude so bad right now. I guess violence would maybe make me one of them too though.

I am just not one to sit down and let injustice pass me by. I am totally a girl with white knight syndrome. I am a defender of innocents. In elementary school I made a well-thought-out decision to punch out my little buddy across the street for trying to play dangerous stunts on my sister and his little sister. And I am NOT violent at all. I just knew it was his only form of communication so I was willing to get beat myself to show him he didn't scare everyone and I would fight back for the little kids. In high school I was a goody two shoes who only got in trouble really once for defending fellow students getting screwed over by an unfair teacher. My teacher I think was afraid to follow through and send me to the principal cause my case was so solid she WOULD have gotten busted. In college I threw out a roomie's boyfriend for treating her badly.

Grrrrrrrr! Stuff like this just chaps my hide. I need to go watch some L&O and see some perps prosecuted. See some vicarious fictional justice. Dun Dun.

The Sausage Party that is Guitar Center

2009-01-07T21:03:00.001-08:00

Peeps- prepare yo selves. I am about to vent. I am enraged. I am surprised I am still speaking to my father since he is a man.

So......after a bajillion years of wanting to get a guitar and saying it was in my plans....I am finally going to do it. I am not going to get some super nice guitar as was my plan many years ago. All my money(and more happy Visa money) got spent on school. Surprise!!! But I did get a Christmas check allocated toward getting me a crappy guitar to at least have something to learn on. YAY!

But secretly inside I knew what it really was preventing me from getting a guitar. In the world of crappy cheapo guitars I really want to see and hear the one I buy. Ebay and Craigslist are then OUT. So my only real option is ........gag......Guitar Center. They have the most selection. The inevitability of having to spend even one moment of time in Guitar Center trying to actually get helped by their oh-so-full-of-themselves employees was what was really keeping me from making my purchase.

Let us make some sweeping and stereotypical assumptions about these Guitar Center employees so you know what I am talking about in case you haven't experienced the wonder for yourselves.

1) He is a male. 99.95% of their employees are males.

2) He is in a band that has not made it quite yet.

3) He has no educational pursuits. College is for tools.

4) He dresses for work as if making himself look like a rock star or tragically unappreciated grungy acoustic player was the only thing to prove he knows what he is talking about. But he will bore you to DEATH by showing off his talent in case you missed the outfit.

5) He will jam out by himself on the merchandise and ignore you completely unless his manager is watching or you touch something expensive. Then he will annoy you to DEATH.

6) There will be 50 employees in the store standing around watching you from across the room but the one you need to talk to in your instrument section is ALWAYS already jamming with someone. ALWAYS. And those other 50 employees are totally and completely incapable of stepping out from their areas to assist you. Even on a Wednesday at 11am when there are no freaking customers but you and the one other guy jamming with Mr. Helpful.

Here is another thing you need to know. That you don't know anything. Inevitably you will need a piece of equipment or an accessory that is hidden better than the holy grail ever was. You cannot really function in the store without the help of one of these jerks unless you are making a really basic purchase.

And now we will enter into my actual experience today at GC.

So I head into the acoustic section. Score 1 point for me that I don't have to get a map or ask the Nikki Sixx wannabe (who I couldn't get away from and couldn't stop looking at- he was freaking me out with his awesome hair)or one of his 6 fellow employees who are behind the Electric counter. OF COURSE once I get to acoustics there is one employee whom we shall call Toolio and he is sitting on some boxes jamming with some old dude in a band. He doesn't even acknowledge I have entered his sacred lair. So like 5 minutes pass and finally I walk up and say I need some help. When you have time of course. The jammer says - go help her I'm just messing around here. Ha. As if I needed him to tell me that. No one sits around jamming forever if they're actually going to buy today. So Toolio is all ......OK what are you looking for?

I tell him I play viola, I want to learn guitar, from the little I know about guitars I know that I want a 6-string acoustic smallish and a darker color. Also I tell him I prefer a used instrument. I do not believe in buying new instruments. It comes from being a viola player. I want a well loved, used guitar. That is how I roll.

So he proceeds to tell me that they just got in a shipment of guitars that are perfect for beginners. Toolio doesn't look me in the eye. This worries me. I think to myself"Please don't take me over to the stack of little girl's hot pink daisy guitars!!"

Toolio then proceeds to a stack of boxes of shiny new guitars and rips open a new light yellow monstrosity. We shall call it Big Banana. I turn and look at him with my "You've got to be kidding me look". He ignores said look. He then starts jamming out on Big Banana. And keeps on jamming. Obviously he is looking for compliments. He is not going to get them. I start talking over his playing. SOOOOO Toolio, do you have anything else more like what I asked for? Toolio stops. How do you like the sound of this guitar? Ummmm....It's nice.... I say. This is a great value. They won't last long he says. I give him a "What are you smoking? look." I think to myself "Seriously? You want me to believe Yamaha won't keep making new guitars? Riiiiight"

So he hands me Big Banana. I awkwardly strum the monster guitar that I can barely hold in my arms. (Hmmmmm......sudden thought! Maybe it's their lack of breasts that keep these men from understanding why I don't want, and feel awkward holding the huge guitars!) So anyways I give it the old college try and tell him- well I really can't play AT ALL which is what I told you but I fully agree the sound is great. BUT do you have anything used and smaller and darker?

So Toolio tells me they don't have anything used(liar) and then goes off about how I need to get a new guitar and make it my own and scratch it up myself and that's how everyone starts out. I give him the "Whatever you're selling I ain't buying" look. So he walks me over to an Ibanez that is a different style and smaller size. He jams out for a minute and says can you tell the sound quality is not as good? I say Yes I Can. But I like the size better.

He then shows me to the wall of acoustic electrics and suggests them for a better size, but I need to spend more money. I say I understand they cost more. Toolio then turns to ask jammer man if he needs anything(obviously Toolio is bored with me) and jammer says yeah man....I'm gonna check out I guess. So Toolio asks what he wants to buy and he buys PICKS. PICKS I tell you. I was getting ignored and delayed and having to wait during the endless jam for a PICK purchase?? They soooo didn't roll like this at Brook Mays I thought to myself. No hours of jamming on their instruments with no intent to buy. And the employees were .....helpful. Imagine that. You'd never have to interrupt any employee at Brook Mays during a jam session or a rocking solo to force them to help you. But I digress. I continue to wander the acoustic room at GC. Still carting around Big Banana waiting for Toolio to come back and take it and box it again. Big Banana needs to go back to his home. I see a female employee walk in and I am so excited that Toolio wised up and sent in a girl that I can barely contain myself. But she goes over to the counter and makes some calls that reveal she is in the financing department. Of course. I should have guessed. Finally I set BB on his box and walk to the front and see that the jammer is long gone and Toolio is just chillin with his fellow tools in the toolbox. And I then storm out. Seriously. If I had received even one iota of helpful assistance he would have most likely sold me a guitar. And now once again I am swearing off Guitar Center. What a Hellhole. What a Toolbox. What a MotherFlippin Sausage Party.

I am so getting a guitar off ebay now. Grrrrrrrrrrrr.

Grody

2009-01-07T10:02:00.000-08:00

At work we received a thrilling little giftcard for 10 bucks to use at our cafeteria or hospital Starbucks as a christmas present. YAY! Just what mama wanted for Christmas. But that giftcard allowed me to have this gem of an experience.

The Tale of the Really Really Bad Barista

Baddy was having a crappy day. To start off with, she had to go to work at the butt-crack of dawn. Those healthcare workers need their daily shot of incredibly overpriced caffeine and they start their day really early. And they know they are about to be exhausted by their day too. Not too many smiling faces.

The reason this day was excruciatingly craptastic was that it had been like 80 degrees out the day before and suddenly this morning she woke up to 30 degree weather. What the? And of course the "Starbucks in a hallway" she worked at was a total wind tunnel entrance to the building. Brrrrr!!! So Baddy bundled on her fleece jacket over her thermals and trudged in to work bleary eyed and miserable.

She made it through the first few hours of her morning like a drone. Luckily she was at checkout and pastry duty. All she had to do was punch buttons and shout orders and swipe credit cards. It really chapped her hide when people payed cash. Then she had to wake up and think for a second. Ug. But hours passed, and the young doctors and parents and nurses slowly thinned out as their shifts started and the hospital got it's morning underway. Yesssssss!!!! The morning rush was over.

Baddy looked around her and blinked her glazed over eyes a few times. Suddenly she saw what had happened over the course of the morning. It looked like it had rained coffee inside the Starbucks. Sloshed non-dairy creamer, spilled caramel, crumbs. And coffee, don't forget the drips of coffee. So much coffee.....EVERYWHERE!!!! Caffeine addicts don't act very friendly if you stop the movement of the line to clean up for a few minutes. Finally, now she could take a breath and restore some order to her station. What a filthy mess.

Unfortunately Baddy was about to commit a cardinal sin in the food industry. Everyone knows the kitchen is dirty. BUT YOU NEVER TALK ABOUT IT TO A CUSTOMER!!!! Baddy was just such a friendly girl she couldn't help herself. Commiserating about her woes, or the customer's woes just came naturally to her.

Nurse E was just finishing a really really long night at work. In fact it had taken her so long to get out that the rush had cleared away and there was no line at Starbucks- Holy Schnikies!!! Normally she walked cheerfully past the junkies lined up to waste their whole paycheck on their daily hit, but today, after that looong night, and the prospect of sleeping in her warm bed and relishing a super cold day with a book and DVR, she thought to herself " I have a giftcard burning a hole in my wallet- why not start this amazing morning a Salted Caramel Hot Chocolate while it is still available?"

Abruptly she turned and approached Baddy and proudly presented her shiny new giftcard. "A Grande Salted Caramel Hot Chocolate Please!" Nurse E giggled in glee at the glory about to be bestowed upon her. And she looked up at Baddy......as Baddy seriously tried to use the sides of her fingers, her elbows, chopsticks.....anything to NOT have to touch the register keys. Nurse wondered to herself " Do her fingies hurt? What the crap?" And then Baddy let her in on a little secret.

"Everything is so disgusting in here I don't want to touch it. I am trying to not touch anything at all but I guess I'll have to."

"YUM" thought Nurse E. "Just what I want to hear from the person about to serve me food."

She turned to look more closely at the inside of the Starbucks and indeed, it was nasty. But she moved over to the pickup area and took her delicious hot chocolate and called herself lucky to get even a dirty cup of it for free.

And she looked back at Baddy as she walked away and thought to herself......."Oh well. I hope they give me another giftcard for more dirty cocoa next year. Or dirty cider. That stuff is amazing too. MMMMM!"

An early present

2008-12-07T23:41:00.000-08:00

Since everyone enjoys embarrassing things from my past, I thought I would share a recently discovered gem with you all that I found while cleaning out a box of journals. I give you........

A Forced Letter To Myself about my "Plans"

By: Me

At: A Lame Young Women's Activity

Dear Me,

I have basically no plans for the future. I hope to make a lot of money. I want to marry a politician because that means I will have to have nice clothes and a big house for entertaining. If I don't get married by around 21, I'll have a high paying career of my own. I have no spiritual plans. I know I will graduate from college. I will complete my Mia Maid and Laurel awards because my mother is forcing me. I will own all of the Judith McNaught books(trashy romance novels). I will read every sequel to Gone With The Wind just to see if they can make anything worse than Scarlett with Joanne Whalley-Kilmer. These are my plans.

Wow. I have said I was Daria in high school. Now I have proof. A money grubbing Daria.

This letter made me bust a gut laughing.

My mother is Phoebe. Mystery Solved.

2008-12-07T23:07:00.000-08:00

For anyone who knows my parents, you all are going to love this story, so prepare yourselves.

Tonight I came home from church to see my parents sprawled on their respective couches watching a movie. I was on the phone in a totally engrossing conversation, but I did look over and think to myself "WHAT THE CRAP!!!!!!???? They are watching Old Yeller???!!!"

But then I moved along. About a half hour later my phone got disconnected(tragedy!!) and I head to kitchen to eat dinner. I sit down with my meatloaf to eat for a second before I head out and my mom asks

Mom: " Do you want to watch Old Yeller with us- it's a really good movie!"

Me: "Heck no. I'm heading to Porter's. And I don't feel like crying tonight."

Mom:" Have you ever seen it?"

Me: "Are you kidding?" .......crickets......" Mom- everyone gets to watch it a million times in elementary school. It's the first time you get to embarrass yourself by openly crying in front of classmates"

Mom: "Why would you cry? It's not sad is it?"

Me(freaking out): " Are you KIDDING ME??? Have YOU seen Old Yeller??!!"

Mom: "No- it seems pretty cute so far except for all the animals getting rabies"

Me(looking at her in disbelief......then looking at my dad): "This is your fault. I want no part of this. Also- this is an episode of Friends. Goodbye"

Time passes. I go to Porter's. And we re-enter our scene........

Me: " So.......how was it? Do you blame dad?"

Dad:" I didn't remember anything about the movie but that it had a yellow dog. I was as shocked as she was."

Mom: " I've been crying. "

Me: " Yeah- I knew that plot would blindside you with all your comments about how it seemed like all the cute animals kept getting rabies. SHOCKER! Also- Dad- I personally do not believe any human can have ever seen this movie and forget that the dog dies. Not only dies- is killed by it's owners. SERIOUSLY!!! I still blame you"

Mom:" It's OK- the Parent Trap is on now. I think the girls are really gonna get the parents back together."

Me(crying on the inside): " You are seriously kidding me now."

Mom:" No- look there's sparks at that little show they're putting on."

Me: " Mom- Walt Disney apparently made these movies at just your speed. You are seriously the master of the obvious tonight. "

Mom: "You are just getting all of your mean out on me."

Me: "No- you just managed to forget the plots of movies every human breathing on the planet has already seen and can see coming in the first 10 minutes of the movie. "

Mom: " I just think I was childhood movie deprived or something."

Me: "Mom when we went to Disneyland when I was five you told me you and Aunt Les(her twin) despised Haley Mills for stealing your chance to be Disney's golden movie children because she wasn't a legit twin. You SAW this movie. If not as a child, I watched it like 50 times too."

Mom: " Nope. I think I saw the sequel though."

Me:" The one in the 80's where Haley Mills is the mom? Yeah- I think THAT'S how you already guessed the plot of the parent trap. "

Dad(crying in laughter)

Mom: " I'm just gonna watch now meanies."

Me" OK."

An hour or two later............

Mom: "Oooh I love Pollyanna so far. I can't imagine why this isn't more popular."

Me: " This is another one you don't even remember renting for me I take it? "

Mom: " No. There's no way you saw all these Disney movies and I didn't. If I missed them I am sure it was because I was cooking or doing laundry or cleaning up after you all"

Me: "I'm sure the fact that you pay no attention and talk all the time when we rent movies had nothing to do with it. It's all slave labor all the time here. "

Mom(gestures in my direction jen's fave gesture)

Me: "Whatever. Watch your wholesome Haley Mills movie. But don't blame me if there's no kleenex in the house tomorrow. "

Mom: " Oh no!! Is this one sad too?"

Me: " You've watched like 3 movies so far in the marathon and you haven't gotten the fact that all Disney live actions from this period have a "twist" at the end???!!! I cannot help you woman"

So I thought I would share my revelation with you all. My mother is apparently Phoebe. This explains alot. ALOT.

Are the men half-price too?

2008-11-25T20:19:00.000-08:00

As a lazy girl, now that I have weird hours and days I have off in the middle of the week where I will probably see no-one, I have ....GASP!!!.....lowered my standards.

It used to be that Erica the Fantastica did not leave the house (unless getting flu supplies) without mascara and a decent (at least clean) outfit. And every day I HAD to wash my hair sometimes twice. Even with the flu. I am a fanatic about clean hair.

Oh how the mighty have fallen.

As a side note I should mention that every person with a normal amount of hair and especially my hairdressers tell me- "Erica you are committing a crime by washing your hair every day. You should wash every other day or third day. Your hair needs natural oils to not break" blah blah blah. My hair is shiny enough and strong enough for me. What you people do not understand is that since I have so little hair and a super greasy head I develop pose-able hair by day 2. It literally sits on my hair in dark chunks at the roots. SO NASTY. I am not about to let that happen. Icky poo puppies!

Now you are asking yourself why is she telling us this and how does this have to do with the title of the blog? Well now I'll tell you.

Since I started working night I don't wash my hair sometimes. I know I will spend all my awake hours in my jammies watching DVR anyways. I decided to try to let my hair wallow in it's splendor of organic conditioning once or twice a week. It grosses me out, but no one sees me right?

Au contraire mon frere. Lazy girls totally make quick runs to Walgreens or Walmart for unforeseen needs on their lazy days. I operate on a stealth mission. I wear the most awful and badly fitting clothes I own, sometimes wear a ballcap(yikes) and don't have on any makeup. Or maybe I have leftover makeup from the night before making me have dark circles under my eyes. Basically I am completely incognito. If incognito means fugly.

So ....today I decided I need a supply of reading material for the 1/2 of a part of a holiday I get to be home this week. I primped for the outing by removing my mascara flakes, putting my greasy locks in a ponytail that parts itself, and wearing a ugly thermal shirt for maximum comfort. Then I headed myself over to my home planet, the beacon that calls to me every night as I drive to work. The Half Price Books Warehouse on Northwest Highway. (Laaaaah!!! Angels sing!!)

As every desperate girl knows- if you are completely open to dating anyone of any religion, a likely place to meet your perfect nerd guy is HPB. Hello!!! Not only does he READ!!! He reads so much he wants a discount cause his habit is too expensive otherwise. SCORE!

Since religion matters to me in dating, HPB is not a place I go to troll for men. Is there a place I could troll for Mormon men even if i wanted to?? But I digress, I arrived at HPB looking freaking fantastic and went to pick out my books. I gotta be honest there was some fine fine eye candy at the bookstore tonight. Multiple men in their twenties or early thirties and with that cultured and intelligent look. They had cute glasses so I was glad my ....uhh...disguise prevented them from seeing my true self and falling madly in love with me. Whew! Close getaway!

But lo.....the magical pull of HPB does not draw only cool singles such as myself. As I cruised the aisles I was continually followed by middle aged Navajo in a Bomber Jacket. With his piercing stare and apparently tribal taught hunting skills he kept circling and waiting, circling and waiting. My fugliness only proved to him that I was unattractive enough to settle for a 45yr old. Curses!!

I held my books up high and covered my not-lovely face with this stupid zit that wants to make my whole chin red which was of course not covered by makeup. I ducked and ran for the mystery section. Where I encountered Really Sad Guy There With His Mom. As his mommy picked out hot novels from the romance section he kept standing awkwardly at the end of each of my aisles and looking around me but not at me. Obviously not a reader, how he planned to scam some babes at HPB I had no idea. But apparently he thought being only in hearing distance of mom somehow made him just another cool guy there to get a girl. Picking up random books and putting them down without reading the backs, stomping around loudly, sneaking to romance to talk to mom and answer her shouted questions and then coming right back to hover again. But getting closer each time and trying to brush up against me. Ewwwww! He had no game. I sneaked over to the cooking section to look for Giada's book. Oh crap!!! Incoming Indian!!! Dive Dive!!!

I literally went to the Arts and Crafts and Travel book section on the opposite side of the warehouse to escape and then tried to make my way back to fiction by way of Collectors Edition books, but apparently I was acting a little too sneaky. I noticed that the Policeman I had seen in the parking lot was now discreetly following me around the store. Seriously!!! Although I did have on a big jacket to hide my thermal shirt greatness. But my books were on my arm in the open!! So I think to myself.....hmmmm...if I am being followed by a cop let's see what happens to the men. I boldly head back to fiction and take my stand.

Suddenly Momma's Boy heads into romance and is fascinated by the titles(creepy!! but I am thankful he's gone) and I see the Big Chief head over to foreign language and make fast tracks to the back of the store. Safe now, I perused to my little heart's content. And run into a tall cutie with curling brown locks and adorable glasses who recoils in fear when he looks up from reading his back cover and sees my gremlin-ey self shuffling along with my greasy locks and books and parka and policeman.

The moral of the story. Erica needs to dress up to go to Half Price. If I get all clean-like: the cuties will at least acknowledge me, the lowlifes will not think they have a chance, and the police will not have a reason to be suspicious of my excessive layering of clothing. The End.

Why today was a Poo-ey day

2008-11-19T21:02:00.001-08:00

1) I worked out(awesome). I worked out using my new Ipod arm sports band(awesome). I worked out twice as much and at twice the speed(awesome). I shook it like Beyonce when I heard my sweet JT or Christina(so FUN). I worked out so hard I got incredibly sick to my stomach an hour later and spent the rest of the day trying to decide if I needed to use the potty or throw up(DANG IT)

2) Because I got so sick I couldn't go to the temple tonight much less stand up or move around.

3) I wasted my day off and couldn't run errands I needed to run- except for grocery shopping which was my one attempt to see if I could hack it getting out of bed and I almost hurled in the frozen food section of Tom Thumb. True Story. I though today might be the day a non-drunk girl throws up in her purse.

4) Because everyone likes to bug me about it, I thought I would buy some legitimate american-made ulcer meds. Which turned out to be like 1 dollar a pill and only half my strength. IE - two freaking dollars a day as opposed to my Indian made drugs which were like 33 cents a day. I am sorry but I may have to buy Bollywood drugs. I have student loans to pay off. Sorry Detroit auto workers. Sorry american drug assembly line peeps. I am not paying 2 bucks for something that costs practically nothing to make. Even Canada has psychotically better prices than us. We are totally the world's overpriced Sugar Daddy paying for everyone else to get cheap or free meds by inflating our own prices. I won't be a part of it.

5) I watched Pushing Daisies knowing everyone I love leaves me eventually. Just like Ned. Why are my fave shows always canceled?

6) I realized today someone dissed a friend and am sad about it. Grr. And a little(lot) angry.

7) I realized that in order to make myself feel better I wore my Forks High shirt today .....when I should have saved it for going to see Twilight this week. Now I have to do laundry?? Not happening. I love you Edward, but apparently it will only show on the inside.

8) I looked at a friend's cute dog pics and I want one bad. When am I moving out yet? Oh yeah...after I pay off the CC. DANG IT!!!!! Denied!!!!

So since I gave all those whiny reasons I hated today.....Here is why today was okey dokey.

1) I bought Yakisoba Cheddar ramen type noodley stuff and it rocked hard for a sick girl.

2) I did get to watch both episodes of Golden Girls this morning.

3) I have the satisfaction of knowing my Ipod is helping me work out better- even if it is also killing me.

4) I saw Ned. It's bittersweet. This is the sweet part. You already heard about bitter.

5) I had tonight off so I did call in to the temple, but at least I didn't have to call in to work and get in trouble. We have a new hard core sick/being late policy that is scary!!!

Okay that is all. I will go back to watching Van Helsing on TBS and eating animal crackers. Totally the sweet life if it wasn't crackers to keep from vomiting. Oh well. We can't have it all.

An Open Letter to my Beloved

2008-11-18T21:56:00.000-08:00

Dearest Kohl's,

We have been lovahs for some time now, but I have always been bothered by something, now more than ever. You seem to give your love away at a discount all the darn time. I am now having trouble during our secret rendezvous telling whether I am really being given a special price or not. It seems that every day is a holiday or a reason to give it away practically for free. I have no problem with you being cheap. I love you more for it. I just feel a little like the person who came to help the kid who cried wolf. Tell me when it's really a sale different from every other day of the week and I will come. For now I am too distraught and confused. Super Sale, 6 hour Sale, Early Bird Sale, Amazing Sale Days, Sale-a-thon. Not that I could stay away for long. I am addicted to you like crack. And when I move into an apartment I'm sure I'll have little reminders of you all over my new place. But please- be more honest. I need it to mean something to you too.

The Tale of Old Blue the Shopping Granny

2008-11-12T04:12:00.000-08:00

Whilst our narrator was shopping after work yesterday for costuming apparel at Goodwill, she happened upon one of the Grannies that makes growing old seem worthwhile.

On first seeing Old Blue, she seemed a stereotype of the crazy friends of the narrator's own Granny. Blue had a helmet of poofy thick white hair- dyed to the shade of a bluebird's egg for fashion's sake. Her brows were shaved off and then painted on a charcoal grey- one slightly arched and higher than the other, with hot pink lipstick bleeding into her wrinkly granny pout.

Since she was making an outing that day Blue had worn a prized kittens and flowers applique sweater to show she meant business.....and was still a fine figure of a woman for any WWII vets also there to take advantage of the senior discount.

Blue had up till this point in the story perused the abandoned knick-nacks and found quite a few only-slightly-broken figurines and tacky vases. The top of her cart showed her prizes, but her real treasure was hidden in the bottom of the cart- as we all shall see.

Or narrator was in line to check out behind a hispanic family of like 5 older ladies and a poor put-upon middle aged man obviously driving las abuelas around and killing time while they shopped away. Las abuelas made quite a crowd so the line was muy looooong.

Old Blue drunkenly drives her cart through the narrow aisles of crap and makes a sideswipe at the man as she reaches the end of the aisle. "MOVE OVER LADY!!!" She says. Then a few seconds later. "Oh- you're not a lady. Move anyways!!!!" He moves aside and is laughing at her on the inside just as much as the narrator. So she approaches a checkout booth that is closed and tells everyone- "I wanted to check out NOW!" No luck Old Blue.

So she then steers her cart back behind the only open line and appears to plan to make a close personal friend of our narrator, but then a lady with dyed dark brown cotton candy hair comes up to stand with her. Cotton has the standard painted brows(brown at least) and crazy lipstick with applique sweater, but hers is black so she is obviously a darker more morose personality despite the puppies. She and Old Blue then get in a loud discussion about the most prized and previously hidden item in their cart. PEE PADS. Seriously. Who donates Pee pads to Goodwill? Someone apparently. These two have lined the bottom of their cart with packages of blue super thick pee pads. JACKPOT!! and Cotton tells all that she called her son and he said that they are so lucky to have found the pads at such a good price and he can't believe their good fortune either.

To kill time Blue makes a few comments to everyone in line about how amazing her pee pads are(1 1/2 inch thick dry!!) and then about her vases- and reveals that she is slightly ......let's say senile.... and repeatedly uses the wrong words and has obvious volume control issues with her voice. Which only endears her more to all she meets.

Our narrator finally reaches the front of the line and is making her purchases, and Blue comes up beside her at the counter, turns to her and says in a whisper(or so she thinks)" You know those are the pads they have at houses for retarded people!!"

"Retired people" says Cotton.

"Retired people" repeats Blue.

"They do look nice" chokes out our narrator, holding in all of the laughter she is capable of. Tears run out the sides of her eyes as she turns to stare in the opposite direction to calm herself and not hurt dear Blue's feelings.

Cotton then tells Blue as the narrator carries off her loot. " OOOOH!! I am gonna get even more of a steal on the Pads.....I am gonna tell them the package is open so they should be half price!!!" Riiiiiiiiipppp.

Ahhh retired people. We love them so.

Life Lessons from Hitchcocktober

2008-10-09T15:23:00.001-07:00

After unexpectedly getting off work earlier than anticipated yesterday, I went to see Dial M for Murder- one of the few Hitchcock movies I haven't seen. Yay! It was cheesier and more hysterical than I ever anticipated. And the thrilling movie had many lessons to teach me. As a young person there is much I apparently never knew about life and I will share it with the rest of you.

1) If you have a Lover, you should keep only the most dirty letter around and call it "the letter" cause if you only saved one of many, as a guy, your lover will know which one it is when you say " You know... THE Letter".

2) The face you make when accused of a murder out of nowhere - also the same face you make when you think you smell pancakes. Nostrils flared, mouth open, occasional sniffing. It's not nearly as shocking as I had previously thought. Apparently it's pretty mouth-watering to be accused of murder.

3) It is apparently perfectly acceptable to be excited about your tramp girlfriend accused of murder having a complete mental breakdown in the future. And I quote " You're going to have the most fantastic breakdown!" Said with all the glee of a kid about to get a new bike at Christmas while hugging her to comfort her. Well....as long as I have something to look forward to I guess I CAN go through the death penalty trial with my chin up. Thanks honey!

4) Writing in all CAPS makes any handwriting totally unintelligible. Seriously. It's like your note fell from an alien planet. Who could have written this?? We'll never know- it was written in caps. Might be Bobo the Elephant with a pen in her trunk....might be a first grader....or even the Unibomber. It will forever remain a mystery ...alas.

5) Police stealing of evidence is totally cool as long as you can use it in a dramatic way to catch a crook. The fact that you had to run errands around town with the evidence for hours if not days to figure out what you had stolen and what to do with it is irrelevant. You're a cop. Feel free to try stuff out.

6) UK courts have a totally awesome idea. Place kinderfoto backgrounds behind the witness box so that when a person is filmed for a trial they have an attractive faux finish behind them instead of the boring courtroom.

7) They totally have hot rollers at the prison. And they will keep the clothes you got booked in nice and cute and clean for you in case you have an impromptu visit home. A girl can't go home from prison looking less than swell.

8) I am glad they don't have "radio programs" anymore or all you married girls might be stuck at home. How can a woman want to go out and see friends on a Saturday night? Are you being ridiculous? Men may go out all night, but women should stay in. It's the law. That's like asking to go out to the market without stockings on. Preposterous! Your hubbie says just listen to your radio program or do some mending. That's entertaining enough for the females.

9) It is extremely difficult if not impossible to use your Visa to hire a hitman. The lesson- take out ordinary sums all the time from the ATM and save them. Then gamble alot to throw people off the trail if you do get seen with money and in a year you might have enough in small bills to hire your killer. Wait. That doesn't make sense. I thought you lost money gambling weekly. That lesson makes no sense at ALL. I protest Hitchcock. I don't think you can hoard money AND have a gambling habit. Maybe I just don't know how to do it right.

10) Really attractive, really rich women still scrape the bottom of the barrel with men. Is there hope for anyone? Only if you're OK with cheaters who are amused by your mental breakdown. Sad......tear.

11) Sleeping alone in a twin bed is no reason not to wear a hot negligee, tousle your curls and wear red lipstick to bed. You're dressing for you, not some man.

Ok- off to curl my hair and darn socks. That's how us wealthy girl stay wealthy.

PLAGIARIZERS BEWARE!!!

2008-10-07T16:58:00.000-07:00

Ok- for reals. For MONTHS now I have had like 3 or 4 hits a day on my review of A Thousand Splendid Suns. I would have absolutely no problem with sharing my point of view and throwing my opinion out into the wide wide world of electronic data.....EXCEPT - out of three or four hits a day, maybe one search is the title of the book and the other three are "A Thousand Splendid Suns Book Report". CHEAP! People, I fully understand researching a topic and getting stuff to talk about for papers. I have spent more than my share of time in school, but seriously. I never googled the words "Book Report".

I seriously feel like looking up some universities and sending them my blog just to screw you all over. Be original cretins. And FYI- my thoughts aren't that original I am sure. Probably everyone who read the book thought the same thing. AND my research numbers alone prove that you are all turning in the same thing. How 'bout them apples?

Go read the flipping book. It was good. You probably know that from reading my just-for-fun report. If knowledge is power, reading is an arsenal in your hands. But use your arsenal for peace. That is another lesson from the book. That is all.

Breaking News for all He-men

2008-10-01T08:40:00.000-07:00

Hey Red-Blooded American Men, no not you Emo types......... the ones who watch Monday Night Football and think they can get the babes in beer commercials(and still call them babes), the man who needs a Hungry Man meal and not some femme lean cuisine.........here's an announcement for you!

In case you were worrying about your dry skin but are way too lumberjack to use a pansy body wash with microbeads or some such crap, We the makers of Gillette(the best a man can get) have a much less wussy option for you.

Gillette now offers you a Body Wash that will take off at least 3 layers of man stink in a single shower. AND since we know you were worried, but too butch to say anything, we are announcing an earth shatteringly amazing new discovery that is included in the body wash. DRY SKIN HYDRATOR.

We know what you are saying to yourself.

"Holy SHIZ. I have been waiting my whole life for something to hydrate my skin. My wife/Mom/Sister says use some lotion before your hands crack in half, but I ain't the type of guy to use "lotion" if you get what I'm saying...........in case ya didn't get that - not using lotion means I'm straight."

We at Gillette heard you. We did not create a bodywash with lotion. HECK NO! The Dry Skin Hydrator is in no way a lotion. It uses cyborg alien micro....chips from a far off planet to invade and colonize your skin cells with moisture. No wait....not moisture....guys hate moisture.....they colonize you with H20 and lube. Yeah lube.

So get your woman/mom to go to the store and buy you some Gillette Body Wash with Dry Skin Hydrator. She may say to you"You mean Body Wash with Lotion?" or "You mean Cream Body Wash?" and you can feel confident in saying to her "DID I SAY LOTION??? NO!!! I want the one with alien cyborg H20 microchips made for MEN. Duh!? Now go back to the kitchen"

No need to thank us. We're Gillette. We're too straight to feel comfortable with praise from other men. Unless you feel like giving us a sports trophy or a raise.

The Tale of the Sonic Shadow and the Bunny

2008-09-26T13:47:00.001-07:00

And now for your Halloween reading pleasure......I give you the spooky story of.....

The Sonic Shadow and the Bunny

Let us hearken back .......many many years ago. Sooooooo many years ago. Back to when the George Bush Toll Road/190 did not exist. When no one but the Packards had heard of Wylie or....... how do you say it .....Sack-See? A day in the early 90's. When Madonna had a Secret and not an adopted African child. The distant past.

In these olden days, a Daria-like high school age girl was off from her monotonous job slaving away at a local Ross. Where customer service was really a front for the local narcotics trade. But I digress. This particular day she wanted to relax and enjoy the summer. But she had been stuck at home with her younger sister who is known as The Bunny. The Bunny always got her way in their house by using her Bunny eyes and her Bunny whine on their parents. Thus the Bunny wanted to try out her new driving skills and be the chauffeur for a trip to ......Lake Lavon. Alterna-Daria protested, but the Bunny was determined and AD figured her life was less at risk in the middle of a weekday than at any other time so she agreed.

The Bunny managed to safely make her way to the Lake(or is it a cess pit?) and the girls tried to attract all of the cancerous UV rays they could to their slave-labor pasty bodies. As Texas was an inferno in August then, as it continues to be now, the young ladies were FRIGGIN HOT. They would have liked to dedicate more time to their melanomas, but they were mere millimeters from heat stroke. Especially Alterna-Daria who only sweats from her face and retains heat. Bunny and AD decided to make their way back home to avoid AD tossing her cookies. Back in the day in Wylie, one store, one beacon of hope existed for summer sufferers. SONIC. Like a mirage in the middle of abandoned carpet stores and trailer homes with Playschool gyms, the Sonic stood for all that was good and right and tasty in the world.

The Bunny and Alterna-Daria made a pilgrimage to this sacred Sonic every time they came to the Lake(?). The Bunny pulled in to a parking space and rolled down her window. She and AD ordered their Route 66 drinks and The Bunny rolled her window back up to conserve the car's A/C. As she pushed the window-up button, the skies darkened slightly and a crow cawed as it landed on the red Sonic roof.

The girls sang along to "Genie in a Bottle" and talked away, unaware that a devilish fate was circling in upon them. Minutes passed and AD looked for their girl-on-wheels to bring the drinks but the Bunny sang away and never once glanced outside of the car. She was completely oblivious that the seconds ticking away brought her closer to ......The Shadow.

Our villainous Shadow worked inside the Sonic and was known for her stealthy moves and invisible style, but only to those who knew she existed. Many employees had only heard of the Shadow, but had never seen her. She was that good at the shadowy game. She had grown up a middle child with mousy brown hair in a middle class family. No one ever paid her any mind which bothered her for quite some time until she realized that invisibility could work to her advantage. She began to study the art of spying and disappearing into the woodwork. Forced by her middle class mediocrity to seek a job, she applied at the local Sonic and figured she could practice her "ghost on wheels" technique. She had delivered many a Coney, many a Tot, and no one remembered the elusive phantom who delivered the fatty goodness.

This hot August day, the Shadow figured she had her perfect storm. Two girls singing along like fools to the music in the car. Blonds too. Blech. They'd never realize she'd been there till she was back in the kitchen moving on to her next victim. The fools.

The Shadow loaded up the Route 66 drinks on her tray and rolled toward the crappy white Mystique. As her skates turned, she prepared her most forgettable voice. "1.98 please. Thanks." roll away. It was almost TOO perfect. As she approached, the taller girl turned and saw her, but the younger one in the driver's seat kept singing. And singing. Was she ever going to realize her order had arrived?? How unorthodox. Typically people watched for their food. This younger girl seemed to NOT CARE about her drink. It was over 100 degrees out. Was she crazy?? The Shadow was perplexed. What to do??

Making a decision she would regret her whole life, the Shadow bit her lower lip and knocked on the window. And all hades broke loose.

The young blond girl turned into a raving maniac, screaming at the top of her lungs and ripping away at the ceiling of the car. She kicked her feet into the gas pedal and floorboards of the parked car as if she was being attacked. The scream went on and on, even after she turned and looked the Shadow dead in the eye and saw her order sitting right there.

The Shadow, unnerved by the convulsive epileptic death scream, started to scream herself and tossed the drinks in the air. Luckily she managed to catch them on the tray before they spilled all over her. The Shadow's stealth operation was now not only compromised, she was totally humiliated.

The young girl rolled down the window of the white car, and, barely able to breathe, said "I'm sorry- you scared me." The older blond girl only laughed- apparently also unable to breathe. The Shadow thought she heard her say "I swear I'm gonna pee myself" but she could never be certain.

The Shadow said"1.98 please. Thanks." And rolled away in shame. Her shoulders hunched. Her invisibility having been too effective for the first time. As the kitchen door swung shut, the wind carried her cry"Marsha Marsha Marsha!!"

And the Bunny? What happened to our blond fluffy friend? Did the trauma of the Shadow's silent attack affect her in any way? Nope- still hopping along to Sonic. But now she stares at the kitchen door like a hawk. Bunny will never allow the Shadow to sneak up on her again. But she will continue to need a Cherry Limeade during the summer. It's Texas. Mortal Fear vs. Refreshing Drink -it's really a cost/benefit analysis type of situation.

Bad Writing Challenge!!!

2008-09-20T15:26:00.000-07:00

Ok friends. On one of those dumb ads on facebook they managed to suck me in to a contest to write the best story in six words. How F*U*N is that?!!! But you had to create a membership to their website blah blah blah. Not gonna happen.

So let's bring it on right here right now. A writing contest. But in 7 words cause that is my lucky number.

Your best story or funny poem in 7 words.

For example:

Men, Chocolate:Love one, lose the other.

Green Frog + Pink Pig/amber waves=LOVE

Erica says "This calls for Lady Gloves!"

Let the madness begin.....

Film Noir Vignettes

2008-09-15T20:40:00.000-07:00

Instead of the typical quotes I now have for you a series of conversations for you. Please take them in the avante-garde, art-house film style they were meant to be shown in. This is classy stuff. Imagine a foggy night where the black and white film is mostly shades of gray........

A woman pulls her blue hoodie up over her hair, dons her big sunglasses and rolls down the car the car window........

"Hey look! I'm Little Blue Riding G! Whut!"

She then tries to spit her gum out the car window like a man and instead launches it about three inches in front of her to land on the upholstery.

In an attempt to imitate a creepy kid in Texas Chainsaw Massacre..........

"The road don't go there." unsuccessful snort

"Excuse me?"

"The road don't go there." slightly more successful snort

"Whatever you say Clarisse"(in Hannibal Lecter voice)

"Huh? I'm quoting Texas Chainsaw Massacre- not Silence of the Lambs"

"I'm sorry to tell you that unfortunately you sound more like Anthony Hopkins" very successful snort

"FINE. The road don't go there" Snooooort. "Fava Beans and Chianti"

"What is that in the middle of the road? Cement and black stuff?"

"It looks like a grey sweater and tire parts"

"I think it's grey cement and something that goes with grey cement"

"To me I say a cement ploppy and a dastardly mustache shaped tire part"

"Hee hee! Oh NO!!!!! You're driving too close to it! AAAHHHHH! Oh ...it's really just cement"

"I know."

"Maybe a cement turd if you will."

"I prefer cement ploppy but whatever. It was a messy pile o' cement."

"OOooh. I take that back. Cement and turd don't go together."

"They do if you eat shredded wheat. "

"Too true. That reminds me I need to stop eating oatmeal at work."

Quotitas Fantabulosas

2008-09-11T19:49:00.000-07:00

"Surely you can clean your pile while I am still sitting in your pile"

"When did you have your warm delight? Last night?!!! Is that why it looks like a crusty delight now?"

"My mascara looks like Jessica Simpson when she goes on TV."

"I wanna itch my butt like Baloo the bear! You mean against a tree? Not just any tree- a coconut tree."

"I want to thank you for one thing about today ...which was the opportunity to meet someone more anal retentive than myself."

"The only reason we seem immature and talkative is because they are old and introverted. So their opinions don't matter. They're introverts dang it!! Why are they getting any input? Why are they even talking? Maybe I should stop talking."

A Little List of Things You Never Say

2008-09-06T22:00:00.001-07:00

So while I was at work today someone crossed a social line that I thought was pretty much uncrossable. Along the same lines as the "don't ask a woman her age, don't ask if they've put on weight" rule.

Today a LADY I had never met walked up and looked at my co-worker's engagement photos. Which are way way cute I might add. So this LADY walks up and says....oh....are these your engagement photos? So my coworker says yes. And they are taped into her work"box o supplies" so they are obviously pics she likes......or so you would think if you were a normal person.

So my co-worker says ...yeah I am amazed they came out so well with it being 100 degrees out. If you compare the beginning of the session to the end you can see we look flushed from the heat. But they came out really well. My fiancee looks so cute.

So LADY says hmmm you look really awkward in these though. His arms are all stiff and unnatural. This one looks better than the rest though. It's hard to pick which is good- sweat versus awkward pose.

So my coworker had no response. Just uncomfortable laughter and a hurt look.

SERIOUSLY??!!!! WHO on EARTH thinks it's OK to criticize someones engagement pics which are already final and they obviously love and have taped to their work space???

It is one thing to help a friend pick out which shots are best when they are still evaluating and asking your honest opinion. It is a WHOLE other thing to walk up and comment about pics they already chose. What's awful to me is that all of the pictures really are adorable and I hope my coworker isn't all self conscious now about them cause of one crazy person. They didn't look awkward at all. Or sweaty. I know if I was her I would probably obsess over it though.

It's like telling someone they have an cute-ish baby or their boyfriend looks like he is a nice guy. What? You obviously hope to say that in a super passive aggressive way so the person is hurt and has doubts but is unable to blame you. LAME.

Did I mention that I can't stand people who end saying ugly things with "I'm just being honest"

Grrrrrrrrr. People just have no business saying some things.

And now- a shout out to all my friends. I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!

I am glad I know such lovely people who give me proof that there are normal functioning people out there who aren't rude or mean. It is through your support that I am able to go out and face the world knowing I can get through anything. If I was around the "special" crowd night and day I don't know how I would survive. I thank you all for being fabulous,hilarious, and the kind of crazy I like to be around.

Be my sheep

2008-09-03T22:41:00.000-07:00

I just added the new "Followers" application to my blog. So....for the first time in my life I am saying...BE A FOLLOWER. You can be a leader too. I will follow your blogs. But for right now this is your next task should you choose to accept it. Then all my blog updates show up on your google-ey dashboard. And I can see who my readers are without stalking you on google analytics. FUN!

FYI- Re: stalking on google analytics. Whoever has read my blog from Algeria, New Zealand, Sweden, Finland, the UK, Turkey,Colombia etc keep it up. I heart random countries that read my blogs!!! It warms my heart with childlike wonder everytime I see a new country. I am all Carmen Sandiego fascinated about it.

The Story of Checkout Ben

2008-09-02T23:27:00.001-07:00

There once was a 19 yr old boy with tall, dark, & emo good looks whose only dream was to be in an amazing rock band. Or to play Rock Band. He would probably eventually become something quite nerdy for the money, but for now-it was all about the music.

The dreams of 19 year olds are not often already fulfilled and most unlucky post-high school acne-prone boys are forced to seek employment in places that are most absurd. Our hero Ben was driven by poverty and circumstance to apply at many stores in East Plano and it just so happened that Kohl's welcomed him as a valuable employee. You see... Ben was quite the diamond in the rough...and with Kohl's new lines of hard rockin' Hilary Duff and Miley Cyrus merchandise...Little Ben was sure to catch the eye of all of the teenyboppers in black leggings and plastic jewelry.

On this particular day though.....Ben was not living up to his potential. He had no reason to shine. All the cute girlies were back at school after Labor Day. It was windy outside. Just a quiet day to work in general. One of those days that there seemed to be no perks to working at a store famous for friggin awesome discounts.

As Ben stood there bored at his checkout counter.... a lovely and amazing woman(Cougar E) walked up to make her purchase. Ben thought to himself" If I were Mormon and like 10 years older I would aggressively pursue and marry this women, but Alas I am 19 and no one knows my religion." The lovely lady handed over her dirt cheap satiny shirt into Ben's capable hands. Ben said "Hi....Thanks for shopping at Kohl's today. Would you like to open a Kohl's charge and save 10%" which was secret code for "I love you".

The mysterious hottie said only " No thanks" which he knew meant "I think I love you too."

Made clumsy by his feelings, Ben turned quickly away and scanned the shirt's tag. And that was when tragedy ensued. Ben doubled over to get a bag for the shirt and stood up. He felt a funny feeling in the pit of his stomach and then his throat and then..NOOO!!!

BUUUUUUURPPPP!!!!

Silence. Crickets. It appears she didn't notice. Or maybe she noticed and she's too polite to say anything. Maybe I should say something. But what?

"Your shirt's so cute it made me burp."

Once again. Silence. No wait she's turning to look at me!

"Huh?" OH NO!! She's offended!!!

"Ummm...nothing. Cash or Charge?"

As she completed the transaction by herself using the card swiper, Ben had a mental breakdown filled with whys. Why had he drank a coke with lunch? Why had he leaned over so fast? Why had he BLAMED HER SHIRT???

As he stood there face flaming and turned to face the register he never noticed that the lady's eyes teared up and that she had to bite her lip to keep quiet. In reality the lady couldn't tell if he burped or if it was another sound and the shock caused a time delay. Then she was further shocked by the joke and her only intelligible response was "Huh?!" until crazy laughter took over.

As the lady walked out of the store, she said "Goodbye! Thanks!" but poor Ben was too distracted by his shame to hear.

And thus we see the beginning of Ben.....who will become a rock star. Once he figures out how to turn burp-shame and word-vomit into angst-ridden lyrics gold.

Poor Ben.

Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Nordstrom

2008-09-02T22:52:00.000-07:00

Dear Bloggie,

Since I had today off.....and totally slaved away yesterday....and totally didn't shop on Saturday.....I way deserved to shop today. So I did. No recriminations bloggie. It was some well needed me time. And as I was driving home tonight at 9pm I thought to myself...why do I love shopping so? (I also thought- I am glad I got lunch at 1 instead of "waiting til I get home to eat lunch" since my trip lasted a leeeetle bit longer than intended)

Here's another thinker bloggie- Why am I not on Project Runway since at least once a month I get an idea in my head for a whole outfit or maybe just one specific item that apparently does not in reality exist although it SHOULD. And I spend endless hours shopping for something that does not exist.

Let us review the items that I apparently cannot find.

1) A sweater dress made for a woman with boobs. Yes I said boobs. And all you flat girls bite me. I get to whine about clothes not fitting on my own blog darn it. I have literally tried on like 15 sweater dresses....not ONE of which fit me correctly. ARGGGGG!!!!!

2) A pair of grey knee high boots. For realz bloggie, this item has been my holy grail since 2006. I found one pair for about 400 dollars last year that were still not even exactly what I was looking for even if I was a lottery winner and didn't have monster calves that never fit in boots anyways. Even if I couldn't afford them or fit in them, to know my dream boots existed would make me happy. Right now those boots are like the rattle in your car that is not there when the mechanic drives it. Please prove that I'm not crazy !!! ACCIO BOOTS!!!

I am so frustrated by my search for jewelry that I resorted to going to Michael's and (beading) tonight. I would be ashamed of taking up the 12 yr old girls sleepover hobby, but I've been driven to it. DRIVEN bloggie. Over the edge it seems.

This obsessive need to locate the perfect item has occurred in the past. For example- my red hoodie search ended happily last summer at JC Penney after many years of fruitless searching and pining.

Do men understand this impulse at all bloggie? The need to find the item of your dreams? The pull of the sale rack? The satisfaction of buying a skirt at one store and shirt at another that totally match. And then finding amazing shoes later that were made for the outfit? The heavens smile down upon me sometimes, choirs sing, violins play, and a warm glow emanates from the "the perfect(and on SALE) outfit".

Bloggie....I see you looking at the shopping bags sitting in my room. Ummm.....(guilty smile)Listen, I am finished shopping for this week. Ok and next week too. I will totally be good and pay off more school stuff. And eat at home. And try to not buy another purse even though....

Ok one more

3) The perfect dark magenta soft leather purse. I see a bunch of wallets in the right color scheme but no purses. Where is my magenta purse??

Oh. Um. So yeah. I got distracted. What was I saying bloggie? Oh yeah. I promise not to buy stuff for a while. Apparently the fashion industry has your same interests at mind and won't make awesome stuff for me to buy anyways right now. Jerks.

Hey! I was calling them jerks, not you bloggie. You're so sensitive.

More Sugar!! More Dr. Pepper!!!!! Tylenol PM!!!!!

2008-08-30T12:39:00.000-07:00

So.....in a random conversation I had recently with myself in the car and then with others....a subject has come up.

The dating situation is crap. What to do...what to do????

So being the queen of random and inappropriate thoughts I pondered to myself- Why are there so many single people and yet none of us want to date each other? If we all got drunk and made out...I bet alot of lasting relationships might come from it. We are all way too uptight about dating. If there were more hormones or kick starts to make people take notice of each other......

The solution is not alcohol. This was just the random thought part.

But ....are lowered inhibitions a solution to the problem?? This is my lasting impression from the whole scenario. How do we get ourselves to be less obsessive and stuck thinking in our little boxes and go with the flow and be open to more options? Hmmmm.

Do you all have any ideas? There are all the Mo-Acceptable Drugs. There is the sugar high. That's just likely to make you even more annoying and obsessive. And with ADHD that will make you unable to focus on one person.

I am a happy camper after taking Tylenol PM but who knows what I might say and I will fall asleep on any date.

Hmmmm. I am open to suggestions.

Another reason I am drawn to Bravo like a traffic accident : The Slade Smiley Edition

2008-08-30T11:39:00.000-07:00

Prepare yourselves for some horrific metrosexual(to be kind) shots of the man I can't stand the most on TV right now. Mr Slade Smiley. There are so many reasons I can't stand him. For most of them you can just go to his Myspace and find out for yourself. The man is a former mountain biker/model. And if you look for former pics some are pretty obviously.........lets just say porn-tastic. ICK! Now he is a real estate mogul. Of course. Who wants to say they got their money from chesty shots for Men's Fitness and other less reputable mags. So anyways. The story of this travesty of TV is that he and his fiancee Jo were on Real Housewives and then broke up. Of course they can't let go of their 15 minutes of fame and Jo suddenly comes out of nowhere now as a talented singer(not a title expert/stay at home trophy). Apparently she had us all fooled by seeming like your average self-obsessed LA type plasti-girl. She is a plasti-girl with a voice dang it!!!!

Now we get the privilege of watching Jo do a dating show where(TWIST) all the men live with her ex Slade!!! DRAMA!!! GASP!!!

Who cares. Not me. But I got stuck watching since my sis has home for the day sick and of course you can't turn away from a train wreck. Or a She-man in a paisley scarf as the case may be. Exhibit A: The scarf.

Seriously. The man wore a black short sleeved tee and a woman's paisley scarf. The humanity. And he is seriously trying to confront this guy in this scene for making chocolate chip cookies in the shape of a woman with big boobs(supposed to be Jo) . Seriously. He could see nothing funny about it and wanted the guy kicked out of the house for being disrespectful. It's totally immature but seriously. If you ask a group of bored men to make cookies....what shape are you expecting them to all come out as??? It was totally ridiculous!!!! Slade is totally a wet blanket personality. Which leads us to Exhibit B....the water feature

Here are some of Jo's dates at the water feature. Don't you dare call it a pond. It is a water feature. No one is meant to get wet in it or disturb it in any way. In one episode Slade went crazy because the men played a game of making people look for coins they dropped on top of the rocks at the bottom of the pond...I mean water feature. And he was all......this is NOT a POND!!! It's a water feature!!!! Duh!!! Of course. I forgot all about the copy of the Gay man's guide to aquatic landscaping that arrived in the mail today along with the Men's Fitness. It IS a water feature.

Exhibit C- the v-neck shirt. That looks like a woman' fit shirt in boy colors. And he appears to shave his legs.
Exhibit D- any date with Adrienne Curry should tell you the quality of man he is. UG. And somebody cut or restyle those man-bangs before I have to shave his head myself.

Exhibit E- yet another freaking scarf. WHY??!!!!!! And now he appears to be a 14 yr old girl with ponytail holders on his wrist. They are an essential accessory. As a woman I understand the need to put your hair in a pony at any time.

Exhibit F- I don't even need to say anything. The sweater hat speaks for itself. The twist slightly to the side shows just how cool Slade is. In case you didn't get it by his wicked cool water feature, the scarves, the bangs or the ponytail holders.

And thus you have it. Why I can't stand Slade. Other than the sick and twisted psyche that is totally down with reality TV to promote the girl who is supposedly your ex dating other people with you as a part of the screening process. Not stomach wrenchingly wrong at all.

And if you look at his myspace....did they really break up?? Who promotes their ex's crap songs like that?? And if they really are broken up...who exploits their ex's possible 15 minutes of fame like that? It's just sad either way. Breaking up means MOVING ON.

SO MOVE SLADE!!!

Awkward

2008-08-25T19:50:00.000-07:00

This is another blog about those special people. This time about those who get their way by the sheer awkwardness/shock value of their behavior.

I prepare myself for the nosy people, the gossips, the jerks. I know to avoid the the nit-picky bosses and the lazy co-workers(not an issue now luckily- yay nursing!). Every once in a while someone breaks through the defenses I have set up by the sheer unexpectedness of their behavior. Asks the question NO ONE should ask , much less in public. Signs you up without asking to take on a task which you don't find out till to late to replace you. The HUMANITY!!!!!

Today was one of those days when someone got me. I admit it. They managed to do it by being a) socially unaware 99% of the time and b) talking to me across the room in front of like 6 other people. Normally I would be able to still be a total pain in the butt and defend myself against this onslaught of "special" behavior but when you add the two elements together........it's not as easy to be mean and evasive in public conversations. ARG!!!! I was USED!!!! MANIPULATED!!!! And there's not much I could do about it!!!!

And I admit it. Although I am my mother's role model for being an empowered woman who says no and controls her own destiny....I do frequently say yes when I should say

SCREW YOU!!!
HECK to tha NO!!
Why is my time less important than yours???!!!
It's none of your business!!
If you don't want to do that, why should I?
I don't want to get involved!
MAKE ME!!!
DO IT YOURSELF IF IT'S SO IMPORTANT!!!
Are you kidding me? Seriously?
And why would I want to do that??
That's not a talent or something I enjoy doing. Ask someone who actually likes to do that.
What made you ask me?
DO I look like I need another thing to do?
In the time it took to ask me you could have done it yourself.
WHO CARES????!!!!!
Why should I take one for the team again??? Isn't it your turn??

These are all expressions that maybe I should have used in many situations in my life. I let special people manipulate me because I don't want to hurt their feelings or damage their delicate psyches. Or I am unsuccessful in my stealth avoidance techniques of these people. Or I just can't get the words out. ARG!!!! The inner desire to please and be nice is always my downfall.

My evil self has been foiled again !!!!!

A mistake you only make once

2008-08-20T22:02:00.000-07:00

So here's a short little story for all of you that brightened my day and made me laugh until I cried.

Tonight I volunteered as I usually do on Wednesday nights. In the place I volunteeer there are many many many lockers available to store your stuff. The locker numbers are also completely and totally out of order. Not sure how it happened, but it's so bad there's almost no point to having a locker number. Each locker is supposed to have one hanger in it in case someone needs to hang stuff. There are also stalls to change your clothes.

This is not the actual locker room, just an example of a much smaller one.....Imagine what you would do to check that each locker had a hanger in it?

Often people grab the hangers to use them and then don't remember to put them back in the lockers at the end of the night, so one of the jobs you may do as a volunteer is to go to all the stalls and put the hangers back into the lockers that are empty. You walk by, open all the lockers, check for a hanger, if it needs one, you leave it open, then you go back and replace a hanger in all the open lockers after you clean the stalls. It takes like 2 minutes.

Tada. That is all the backstory you need.

So tonight someone relatively new(aren't you glad I am keeping you anonymous?) was given the task and told to make sure each locker had a hanger. It was also CRAZY busy. Insane amounts of people there using the lockers. IE- like half of them were missing keys and still locked. Our Friend started her task by checking the lockers and she thought to herself....if I leave a locker open, someone might walk by and close it(why they would do this... I don't know) ....so I better just lock all of the lockers without hangers and take their keys with me. Our friend then walked up to me with a pile of like 40 keys and was super proud that she had figured out which lockers needed hangers.

And now she had a pile of 40 keys and no way of finding the completely out of order lockers.

Being a super sensitive person, I laughed myself silly and then made her wait till a few more people could see her insane pile o' keys and then we spent the next while (with more helpers) matching back all of the keys to the lockers and Our Friend would hand us a hanger to use as we found them. We assumed they were from the stalls. She then proceeded to the stalls to clean them out.........where she picked up a ton of hangers which now had no homes because she had gotten new ones out from storage for the lockers. Seriously. It killed me. Then for the rest of the evening you could tell who had heard the story by who looked like they had cried recently.

Friend......Have I mentioned that I heart you deeply??

The Mo Connection

2008-08-14T16:47:00.001-07:00

So whilst stalking Stephenie Meyer this week I reflected on the fact that I had this overwhelming urge to walk up to her in the book-signing line and shout "I'M MORMON TOO!!" I truly felt like if she knew I was also her same age and mormon that we would become insta-BFF's and I would be the inspiration for a character in her new series and and we could listen to Muse together and have diet cokes and cheesecake.

Why am I so deluded? Why do I have this urge anytime anyone who is a semi-celeb and mormon visits? I feel like we are all nice people on the inside and knowing that we are all Mo's would give me instant special attention. Like they would meet me and say- I feel like you're my sister somehow ...there's a special glow in that girl. Oh...mystery solved...the spirit spoke to me.. It's cause she's mormon. I need to spend extra time meeting and talking to her ...maybe give a spiritual message and close with a prayer and hug.

I had this same instinct with the Aquabats concert I went to a few years ago, but I was too chicken to say or do anything....plus it's a concert and I'm in the audience. It's not conducive to meeting the band. All night Nick and I kept coming up with ideas for what to shout into moments of silence to reveal our secret connection. Stuff like "CTR!!" or "Families are Forever!!" I was a fan of "Modest is Hottest!" But being amazingly cool people we did nothing. Nick asked me at the end of the evening why I had not shouted something. Of course I had actually revealed my secret identity because the moshers had half ripped my shirt off and exposed my "testimony" halfway through the concert which I didn't realize until the lead singer poured a bottle of water on my head, then got an uncomfortable look in his eyes and turned away. I looked down to see a sleeve of grandma G. Lovely. I'm not only mo. I am grandma raggedy mo.

So anyways. Why do I have this compulsion?

And Stephenie Meyer.....as I said in line...I do totally love you and we do totally have the same taste in music and your books rock.

And WE ARE SISTERS IN ZION!!! Ok I said it. Ahhhhh. Relief. The burden of keeping my secret is lighter.

Here's Your Sign- The Seattle Edition

2008-08-14T16:14:00.000-07:00

I just got back from a fabulous trip to Seattle for the Breaking Dawn concert series. I will be posting more pics later, but for now a photo montage of the ridiculous things I saw in Seattle. Other than the girl dressed up as a lamb bride at the concert.

Our Hotel - By European style, they mean we provide you nothing but a bed. And the self-righteous feeling all environmentalists get for "conserving water" with each flush of the communal toilets.

A) How on EARTH could anyone start a business for Port-a-Potties and call it Honey Bucket???? And B) all I could think of was Honey Buckets of Oats. Which is even more wrong.

Safety cones are now avant garde art. (I had the voice of Mike Myers running through my head "If it's not scottish it's crap!" Actually he was mostly just saying "It's crap" in my head with a scottish accent)

Take your filthy paws off my silky drawers.

I confess to the sin of gluttony. And not being repentant at all for my gluttony.

You are now entering the LOVE ZONE. I enjoy that the "Love Zone" is also the place to get classy nails. I agree with an old friend that the minute you actually say the word "classy" something becomes NOT classy.

Ok-more fun later. And Hey You..... Grubby Hands!!! Keep your mits off those ripe cherries.

Celebrity Crushes - The D-List

2008-08-06T00:56:00.000-07:00

Did you ever have a "celebrity crush" on someone that you are embarrased to admit or had to explain who they were for like 10 minutes and then still got a blank stare in return?

Who cares if someone likes Brad Pitt or George Clooney or Catherine Zeta Jones or Angelina Jolie??? Who doesn't? I need some originality!

It is one of my favorite things in life to hear the wierd crushes. The fetishes. The obsessive love for someone who is cruising wayyyyy under the radar. It really tells you alot about people.

These are some of my favorites(from many people's crazy tastes) over the years.

1) Bruce Boxleitner on Babylon 5 and Lifetime movies(not in his heydey while he was on Scarecrow and Mrs. King). He is a fine looking man. I have to admit.

2) A politician's cute nephew

3) The furniture appraising twins on Antiques Roadshow.

4)The man who ran the lab on X-files.

5) The hot local redhead weatherman.(Yeah Aaron! It's gettin hot in here)

6) A sarcastic talk show host

7) Various SNL castmembers

8) Lead singers of 80's hair metal bands. Now that they're old.

9) Reality TV Stars. WOW. Really? That one? Isn't he gay? And mean?

10) A stuffy older manager on a TV show- not the younger cute characters.

To reveal my D-list celebrity loves...... I was an official member of the Internet group LOMIG or Lovers of Mulder in Glasses. I also loved Craig Kilborn when he was the host of the Daily Show. Like...... ridiculously loved him. I also have various crushes on british celebs who I am sure no one knows. DUMB.

So...um....now that I've embarrassed myself, feel free to post your embarassing crushes and enlighten us all!

A Rose by Any Other Name

2008-08-05T20:11:00.000-07:00

WARNING* Breaking Dawn Spoiler Alert*

In the light of my extreme hatred of the name given to Bella's baby, I decided to blog about names I can't stand.

1) Ugly names. Gertrude, Helga, Norbert etc. IF it sounds uncomfortable or stirs up phlegm coming out of my mouth- it is not a good name. I am sorry. It is the rule.

2) Names based on emotions/virtues. I am ok with say....Hope and Faith.....I draw the line at Chastity, Divinity, Serenity. Don't name your kid Happy, Delight, Miracle, Blessing I feel like you curse your child to NOT have that virtue/personality tendency by giving them that name. This may just be my opinion, but it comes with years of observation.

3) Ridiculous made up names. You know the names of which I speak. Or ridiculous spellings of real names.

4) Mean names. The names that make your kid the punchline of a joke for years to come. IE- my mom's ex-bf was named Buck Shott. Haha. Now the joke's over. And he's stuck with the name. And we know that's a mild version of the parental punchline.

5) Trying too hard to make the name "cool". Celebs always want to have a kid with a cool and original name. Like Pilot Inspektor, or Apple etc. This is a bizarre subject. I don't like poor Rumer Willis's name. I think Apple Martin is cute actually, but the cuteness will be outgrown really soon. I wonder if there are any Bananas out there? B-A-N-A-N-A-S. Kingston Rosdale is cute but very .....la-di-da sounding- verging on the next category of names I hate. I kind of like Francis Bean Cobain. I love Nicole Richie's baby Harlow's name. I don't know. Some original names are super cute and others are just stupid.

6) Country Club names. People- your kid isn't gonna be a Kennedy no matter how hard you try. I used to love a bunch of the names....when I was 12. Then I was all.....ICK. I am still in the ICK phase. I am so over Madison.

In conclusion, I am chock full of bad/sad/ridiculous naming ideas. I will save them for my pets. If I ever get over my allergies I want two black cats named Boris and Natasha. Will I name my children after the pursuers of Moose and Squirrel? No.

And just in case my sister and I ever marry our dream men we have our celeb children's names picked out. And yes they are completely ridiculous. But they rock hard.

Sprout Groban and Creme Buble

I may get a dog and name it Sprout. It's so cute.

Why the Night-time is the Right Time

2008-08-01T06:29:00.000-07:00

Since the beginning of Erica......the night-time has always been the best time of day. THE BEST. My favorite color is midnight blue. But not just midnight blue. It's that midnight blue fading into purple color just after sunset when you can see the stars appearing. Also - I love stars. Ridiculously love them. Most romantic moment of my life- yup- it was outside with Christmas lights framed as stars overhead. I couldn't have asked for anything more perfect unless it was that it be with someone I was actually dating and that it work out. Sigh. It was so dreamy.

Seriously. I LOVE the night. I am way more awake at night. I feel better at night (I wake up nauseous most mornings-I'm not pregnant thanks). I am in a bad mood in the morning even if I got enough sleep. I just feel like the best "me" at night.

Now I'm working at night. Everyone else seems to hit a wall at a certain hour. Not me. I'm just fine and have to force myself to go to bed when I get home. It's crazy.

The only odd result of this new schedule is that I sleep weird hours and take naps on my days off. The reason I am telling you this tale is that my life has now resulted in MADNESS. For the past two weeks I have had one day of the week where I popped awake at like 4 or 5 am on my day off and felt the overwhelming need to be productive. WHAT THE??? ME???? Alive in the morning???? Perish the thought??!!!!!

So last Sunday I made pancakes at like 6 am and then went back to bed and left the batter for my family. Today I have been up since like 3 and I made a Dutch Pancake with caramelized fresh peaches and blueberries. I would have posted a pic of this culinary masterpiece but it was so freaking amazing my dad and I ate the whole thing and now there's not even leftovers to show for all my effort. (NOTE TO READERS: My bitter feelings about morning in no way reflect any animosity toward breakfast foods as you can see here) Normally I would browse stores online if I was awake in the middle of the night, but since I can't move for a few months, and need to save money, all of my efforts to be industrious end in baking something and reading books. And watching L & O or Golden Girls which are on in the morning. BTW- Golden Girls is like the perfect show to eat breakfast by. But I digress.

A new world has been opened up to me by being awake and alive in the morning once or twice a week. And am I enjoying it? HECK to the NO.

Morning is sooooo boring. It's like an endless business meeting in the accounting department. I feel like I should be asleep and that being awake is like a form of punishment. Not that I haven't been awake before 6am for most of my adult life, but I never have enjoyed it. And now that I have moments of being truly jazz hands awake at 6 am I would like to say morning bites.

Maybe If I could wake up and roll over and see Jim Halpert I would feel differently.

I have been accused (and admit freely) of having a muppet face on many occasions. If you have seen me smile like a muppet(at night) let me promise you I am like a wasted Oscar the Grouch or sleepy Big Bird or recently awoken Miss Piggy in the morning.

I have got to find a better way of spending this wasted early morning time. GEEEEEEZZ!!!

Crossing my fingers the stereotypes are true

2008-07-30T00:22:00.000-07:00

You know how some people think ......

1) All Latinos instinctively know how to Salsa
2) All Italians are awesome cooks
3) All tall people can play basketball

Well.....I just got an ABBA karaoke CD. My life is so stinkin busy that I haven't had the opportunity to play with it yet, but I am hoping that for once I can reap the rewards from all my Swedish Ancestry. There has to be some benefit to growing up with fine blonde hair and a father who eats kipper snacks. I think I deserve to be able to sing ABBA better since they are my people so to speak.

Only time will tell.

A Gift for my Sarcastic Sisters

2008-07-28T07:22:00.000-07:00

Literally this blog makes me (almost) wet myself. Go back to some of the first posts to truly understand it.

http://seriouslysoblessed.blogspot.com/

Superficial People Annoy Me

2008-07-28T05:47:00.000-07:00

For so very many reasons this week, I am annoyed with people whose lives revolve around judgements based on money and looks.

Disclaimer: I realize I wear a new outfit or shoes like every other week at church and that I go overboard with makeup and hair. This being said- they really don't matter all that much to me - I just think fashion is fun. I mean hello peeps? I did wear the same 2 super stained outfits for a year and half in argentina. I just appreciate my ability to wear different stuff now and I am taking full advantage of it. In the manner of a broke girl. Moving on.

So, it is slightly frustrating to me to shop for houses online (just for fun) and have the everyone around me chime in cute or not while one person says- I can't believe you're looking at crappy houses like those. Gee thanks! That makes me feel great about myself. Since my life(and the lives of all your other fellow co-workers) bores you so...... we can all go look for uber-expensive houses for you. YAY! Fun times. I am sorry that we shabby members of the rest of the world cannot make demands that the countertops have to be granite, the pool huge with space for water sports and a side yard for your herb garden, there be a "grand entrance" staircase and room for 3 cars and a boat. It must be a tough life. And it really makes us all have sympathy when you whine about the difficulty of picking out this dream mini-mansion from among all the ones where the previous owners had bad taste in paint color. Such a tragedy. When I am ripping down 7o's wood paneling and wallpaper and de-popcorning my future home's ceiling I will be sure to break out my violin and play a sad tune for the painters you hire to make your home all beige again.

Ok, Round Two-shout out to all the shallow men out there. Who knew that being visibly in front of people at church this week would inspire the interest of PEOPLE I ALREADY KNOW? There is nothing I HATE more than guys who you are introduced to like 5 times who won't give you the time of day as a living breathing human because their lives involve one interest only- The Flavor of the Week. There are a ton of people I really don't care to ever be friends with because they are such jerks when you are not in the Top 3 that day. You can tell that they are being coerced to even respond with words as a friend introduces you. Usually they turn their head to the side and don't even look to see who you are as you are being introduced. I am always super disgusted. So anyways, this week's particular loser I have met on .......like 4 occasions now. (against my will I might add)I have actually been at a dance with him and another male friend and stood there and talked for like 3 hours. I could tell 100% at the time that I couldn't stand him and thought to myself- it annoys him that I am even here alive and breathing and not a hot 18 yr old. Must be frustrating to have to talk to the non-beautiful people on a day to day basis when your shallow-meter is so sensitive. So apparently I must have been looking Mighty Fine yesterday because after church he runs up out of nowhere to introduce himself and say How could we have never met before?!!- please tell me all about yourself now!!! Because I am a huge chicken I just said hi and gave a quick response before walking off. In my head this is how the conversation went.

"Hello. We've never met and I don't know how that can be. I'm ______"

"Hello _____. I would tell you my name but I've already given it to you like 5 times so I don't think it's worth telling you again. "

"Seriously? I'm so sorry. Just tell me again because I'm bad with names."

"Actually you're bad with people in general. You're only good with hot girls. And they don't particularly like you or you wouldn't have to learn a new one's name every week."

So anyways, this is my beef. I don't care if men are visual creatures. Whatever. I could care less. But PEOPLE should be nice to PEOPLE. Then when your eyes are opened suddenly to someone being hot to you, you can say "Erica...you look amazing this week. I've never seen you this way before. We should do something." and not "Ummm hi..... I don't think we've met." If you have met and you don't remember it, you are starting off in a hole you may never dig yourself out of. Jerks. Seriously. I wonder if on the inside he knows he has been introduced and he really thought to himself that acting like we've never met was the intelligent way to start off if he couldn't remember my name. Major points could have been won back if he had opened with "I know we've met before a bunch of times, but remind me of your name again- I just wanted to tell you you looked pretty today. "

See. Is that so hard? Although in reality -why am I even trying? These people wouldn't be reading this blog as it has no pictures.

And I Quote - Potty Humor.

2008-07-28T05:44:00.000-07:00

I know this is Alison's thing but I heard a real gem this week.

"Pooing is my greatest pleasure in life right now. The only thing I do that is both good for me and makes me feel good. " -Anonymous.

Wow.

In the beginning...there was beef and the beef was slathered in KC Masterpiece.

2008-07-20T21:36:00.000-07:00

For any poor soul who doesn't know this- take note- you will help yourself out. Use this blog as a reference guide or survival manual if ya will. First recognize something.

We are Southern People. We do things a different way. The right way.

Now that we have made that clear, allow me to give you a lesson that might save your life one day.

Let me preach to you .........the Gospel of Meat.

What is a Cookout? I think universally this term denotes cooking outside. Hot dogs and hamburgers might be involved.

Helpful Tip - (if only hot dogs are going to be cooked you might want to call it a weenie roast(if you are secure enough if your manhood) or just say- We're going to have hot dogs. So simple and easy. Both are a safe bet to prevent the irate hamburger lover's disappointed wrath)

A cookout is something enjoyed around the nation for special events and for cheap dining for family nights. Whee! We're outside. Whee! It smells like something was burning! We have accomplished a caveman-esque task of human life. We burn meat. Make fire. Grrr. (Chest thump)

Now- pay real close attention here Yankees and save yourself a whole world of trouble.

What is a Barbeque?

A Barbeque is an event where real cuts of meat will be served. Real meat. At this point you might be thinking to yourself " Miss Erica, ground beef is real meat that's been ground to itty-bitty pieces!!" That may be nice for you in the North but down here I expect brisket when I attend something someone calls a barbeque. Possibly grilled chicken, maybe ribs, or steak, or sausage. There dang well better be some type of quality real still-in one-piece meat or blood might be shed. And it might be yours. Or your kin's. It behooves those who have been warned to warn their neighbor.

I have literally gone home in tears because some unknowing fool announced a barbeque and I showed up to hot dogs. It shouldn't happen. I lose my cool and start hitting things when I expect brisket and get Oscar Mayer parts. Heaven help us when I have a craving for brisket that gets thwarted!!!

If you can't put barbeque sauce on it- you can't call it barbeque. That should be simple enough.

I have lived in the South for the past 25 years and let me tell you what. If I want a freaking hot dog I will drive through Sonic for a Foot-long Coney. Can you recreate that genius combination of chili and melted cheese and fresh bun for me at your "BBQ"- I think not. And if so will you serve it to me with a Cherry Limeade or an Ocean Water? I rest my case. So ......if y'all are gonna cook and eat outside you best do it right. With real meat.

I honestly can't understand why hot dogs are worth the effort of outdoor cooking outside of camping. If you're gonna go outside and you can keep your meat refrigerated- use the real stuff. Do yourself and everyone a favor. If you've gotta be a cheapo- call it what it is and prevent your appearance on the next edition of COPS as the victim of the skewering.

I'm just trying to help you out. Bless your hearts. It makes me feel good to lift y'all from the bonds of ignorance. Don'tcha feel freer? Do ya minds feel enlightened with wisdom?

Now go home and apply this in your daily lives and trouble me no more with your dang hot dog barbeques.

There are so many reasons I don't deal with the paparazzi

2008-07-19T00:31:00.000-07:00

As a little girl(very little) I had a dream that one day I would be rich and famous and wear pretty dresses on TV. Much like Vanna White who was the epitome of a live Barbie to me. What a dream job! Spelling AND Taffeta/Sequins.

It didn't take me long to figure out that although fame usually brings money- it is also a huge hassle. I believe that I realized that while watching Madonna get mobbed by fans in the early lace glove/bustier phase. People were desperately seeking her apparently.

Since then I have had moments where I think to myself I would love to act or do something comedic or maybe musical onstage, but I am aware enough to know that a) fat chance and b) if you succeed, your whole life changes and may truly start to suck. I mean hello- how many paparazzi does Brit back into every week? It's a total hassle.

Recently I was looking up a certain mormon semi-celeb from the RM etc. who I was pretty sure I saw on a beer commercial. Turns out I was right. I found out this important info by googling him and finding a bajillion fellow mo's chiming in with their opinion about him going to hell or just shocked in general. I was also pretty shocked. But I was more appalled(yes appalled Sam) by the horror of imagining what would happen if every decision in my life became a topic for public judgemental semi-religious debate. YIKEYS. The guy apparently had no money or other work options. I am not sure I would make the same decision, but having a family to support and no money is hard. I've never been in his place. I then thought of so many other mormons ripped apart in the public forum. IE- Julie from the Real World back in the day. I was so jealous and sure I would have been a much more fun mormon for MTV consumption. And poor Marie Osmond. Her family problems, her weight. Who would want the public to pick that apart? Ug. And what about all the other mo's on DWTS? I am all up in Julianne and Danny's Hough's love lives. Those poor people.

In conclusion, being famous sucks. From the many pictures of me with muppet face/ sucked in "evil" cheeks, to the bad videos, I shudder to think of how bad life could be if I were famous. All of those awful pictures they take of celebs at LAX after a late flight. The opportunity to buy ridiculously expensive clothes that will be out of fashion two weeks later. Being put in the "Who Wore it Better" column where they can tell me that 99% of people think Sienna Miller looks better in the same dress. As if I needed them to tell me that. Having my weight talked about. I would have to kill people.

Fame just is not a dream of mine. How on earth do people deal with it? It is a mystery to me.

On the Occasion of My Approaching B-Day - Reasons I am Irresistible to Men

2008-07-02T00:31:00.000-07:00

In honor of my upcoming landmark birthday- I decided to honor myself with a photo montage of my greatness. As I considered and pondered over the many milestones of my life and what has made me who I am today, it seemed the only thing lacking in my future True Hollywood Story is a person to share my perfect life with. It is a baffling and tragic mystery why I am not as yet married. Maybe as we take a nostalgic look back, we will solve the puzzle......

And so I present to you........Erica

1) Possibly the first place I went wrong was in taking childhood pics at Kinderfoto where I was exposed to toxic pink radiation. There is a whole generation of people who might have children with two heads. Seriously. We're all gonna be pink in the great annals of History (Wikipedia) when we are dust and the future a mere memory.

2) As far as this picture goes, I have always been a kind of a summer beach baby. It is hard to explain my appearance on Toddlers Gone Wild. I freely admit it. I think I had one too many Otter Pops and I was convinced at the time that reality TV was an avant garde form of art and not exploitation.

3) I have always been pretty much a money-grubbing opportunist. Imaginary characters were the least of the people I have charmed for cold hard cash or bling.
4) For a brief period of time I was a bandit. A peace loving bandit, but a bandit nonetheless.

5) In order to change my ways after my years of criminal activity, I became a superhero. I am still occasionally called upon to save people and fight the forces of evil using the red knee highs of justice. This obligation of mine leads to much less free time than I would like, even now.

6) I have been surgically enhanced, but it's so subtle I thought no one would notice. Men like girls with curves right?

7) Ok my teeth are not perfect little Chiclets, but at least they're straight. To my credit- you'd never think I was British.

8) I might have an unnatural love of cake and chocolate. And yes I did wear the occasional bow. That looks like my head is being attacked my a vampire bat. I realize now that was a fashion mistake.

9) I lost my possibility of a modeling contract with Teen Magazine over that love of cake and chocolate. And insisting on wearing jelly bracelets at the shoot. Come on, a girl needs accessories!I had the waif look down far before Kate Moss ever did.

10) In desperation at the loss of my dream career as a teen model, I became a little.......well...needy and .....OK I'll say it...desperate. Even if I advertised myself a Russian Mail Order Bride, I never went through with it OK? I have some pride.

11) Laurels activities are not my fault. Their creepiness and forced participation is evident in my eyes I think. And if men see me in this hot wedding dress and don't wish they were the lucky groom......well....then...maybe I can blame my advisor for her plan completely backfiring. It is not at all off-putting that I have temple wedding pics with no wedding. Not at all.

12) I just love costumes and especially holidays. And home cooked food. Recent new stories have probably helped to promote men's deep desires for a wife with poofy hair and a bonnet and gingham dress. I am ready to be your pioneer wifey-poo!

13) Maybe I have gone overboard with my hairstyles a bit. Men can be intimidated by a high maintenance beauty routine. As you can see from my cousin's face, a lengthy regimen can make you start your day off a bit grumpy.

14) I might have the bird flu. I'm just sayin.

15) I started off in life with some hard core habits. Books and the beer are hard ones to kick my friend. A man would only come second or third really in my priorities.

16) Still drinkin the hard stuff years later. Men don't like it when you take the last one. Ahh root beer memories....if only I remembered them.

17) My moustache is more luxurious and full than many people would expect. I have tried waxing and bleaches, but I think I am just destined to be a just little bit Magnum PI. It's OK. I have detective skillz too. The mustache and crime solving genes are linked. My grief over the mustache gets even out with my joy over a good mystery solved.

18) I try to be a good cook. It's just so hard! Maybe it's a natural gift for some women, but as many times as I try to bake for men, things just turn out yucky. It did not look like that when Giada made it. Where did I go wrong?

19) I am a Gryffindor. There appears to be a really high mortality rate with Gryffindor men, so the male/female ratio is now wayyy off since the war with Voldemort ended. I suppose I could date people from other houses, but seriously. Seriously. Can you imagine me and a Hufflepuff? It's just not right. I'd rather kiss a dementor.

20) I have a huge time commitment and travel schedule with my band. Maybe when we stop touring I'll have more time. That's what I always tell myself.

In conclusion, my singleness is a seriously disturbing and captivating mystery. It's right up there with Area 51 and the disappearance of the Maya or Amelia Earhart. Men have no clue what they are missing.

Or maybe they are afraid of trying to get wit all this babe-lisciousness and being rejected. It is a real and valid fear. As a former Model/Superhero/Rocker I do tend to leave hearts strewn along the road in my wake. Heartbreaker has always been one of my favorite songs. Maybe one day I will stop using men like kleenex and just find that one special one. My lobster. My other half. Until then I shall wait patiently. I mean I have all the time in the world. I may have tons of student debt and my eggs may be rotting and turning to dust inside me (thanks Arthur) but at least I still have my looks.

Happy B-Day to MEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

It's cool baby

2008-06-26T21:01:00.000-07:00

So the awfulness of my day at work Monday has had the effect of making me more calm than usual. Working in an area of the hospital where people really do die is a total downer, but I knew that was what I was getting myself in for when I signed up and I'm OK with it. But is also has the effect of clobbering me over the head with eternal perspective which I definitely need sometimes.

So I have had all kinds of stupid personal drama this week. Some of you have heard about it, but it's not even exciting personal drama, so I won't go into it. The main point is, all things considered, I would probably not be sleeping super well at night, would have a racing heart from anxiety, be sniping at everyone around me under normal circumstances. I'm a worrier. But some how I am not. I am relatively OK and actually feeling kind of hippie peace love cool man daddy-o about life right now. Whatever baby. It's alright.

I am doing what I want to be doing finally. YAY! I am getting a paycheck finally(and on a regular basis) YAY! I am still getting to go to Zumba once in a while YAY! I get to go see Stephenie Meyer again YAY!

Not to say that I don't have other issues in my life, but the positives are outweighing the negatives right now. Or at least I am having an increased ability to focus on the positives. I just hope the effect my work has on me doesn't completely wear off.

So anyways I haven't blogged during the week this week, but here are the thing people have told me to blog about:

1) A lady at Zumba wore a thong (visible) that she had to keep pulling up. Super classy and attractive. And did I mention that Khalilah and I are the only women under 45 there? Can I make a thong age limit? Actually I'm anti-thing at any age. I gotta be honest. And VISIBLE? That is just so.......desperate.

2) At Jen's request - And I quote: myself : "You should have been here so you could go get mystic tans with my sister and me and look like a baked potato too. Or toast. Mmmm carbs."

3) An Ode to my Heating Pad. This was actually my idea but I am too lazy to take a pic and download it for you all. I felt that a blog all about how much I love my heating pad (or ice packs) would necessitate visuals. I ain't got that kind of energy this week. I'll include some of my deep feelings though anyways for your reading pleasure.

Oh my dear sweet heating pad, you are a joy in my life. Anytime I am in pain, there you are for me, like a bear hug from the Sun. I love you HP and you are almost an addiction to me at times. You give me a pain-free buzz so it is only right that I have never used you on any other power level than high. Why do they even have other levels? Who uses them? People who are coldhearted or maybe the reptile family. But I digress. Oh heating pad, I don't have a pet, but if you are with me I can close my eyes and imagine I have a warm little doggie curled up next to me. But a doggie would get up to bark and have bad breath and lick my face so heating pad- in reality you are better than a pet. More constant, More loyal, More hot, Less smelly. Cheaper. Lower maintenance. When I feel blue, heating pad, you give me the feeling of love, of being wrapped in grandma's quilt or sitting next to a campfire with my friends. Heating Pad, in my current circumstances you are better than any boyfriend I could have, because you are able to sleep with me and keep my popsicle toes warm. Ya know, unless I went off the deep end and got a Lovah. In which case maybe you would have second place in my heart. For a while, I have to be honest, I thought electric blanket had it going on. But then I began to feel smothered by his warmth. He was too big, and a little overwhelmingly hot for the long term. But HP, you are just right. If I fall asleep, you just take the other side of the bed and you are there for me when I need you again, so secure of yourself that you don't ever act needy like that blanky. In short, Heating Pad you got it going on.

The Ballad of the Vegorexic and Carnivorosa

2008-06-21T23:25:00.001-07:00

The Scene: New Nurse Training
The Characters:
Cool Black Girl(CBG)- A new nurse from Arkansas
Nice Latina Nurse(NLN)- a friend of CBG
The Vegorexic- A new super emaciated nurse from Minnesota(equipped with Frances McDormand accent with a huge helping of valley girl)
Carnivorosa(me)

The Vegorexic was a lonely and anal retentive girl who walked the earth feeling slightly lost and damaged. Ya. She did. So she moved to Texas because a friend told her to and embarked on a new nursing career.

Texas was totally hot. Oh gee. And the free lunches always came with a few vegetarian entrees. You would think to yourself that this would make a vegetarian Minnesotan happy, but you would be wrong because our dear nursey was .....vegorexic. A distinct difference from the typical vegetarian who doesn't like meat. Little Vegorixec didn't want to eat at all and used vegetarianism as a front to opt out of eating.

She though she was fooling everyone, but unfortunately Carnivorosa had too much experience with vegorexics to miss the clues. When Vegorexic picked up a knife and fork to eat her veggie wrap there was a hint that something was off. Then she cut it into tiny pieces and then separated each veggie into piles which she then moved around the plate and started eating one carrot shred at a time and then threw away the plate without having eaten more than 5 carrot shreds and said "That was yummy -I am sooo full!" Carnivorosa knew now exactly what she was dealing with.

One fine summer day Cool Black Girl and the Vegorexic started a conversation about how gosh darn skinny our Vegorixec was. CBG said to Veg " I have got to lose some weight and you are sooo thin. Whatever you are doing it must be working. Really Working. Are you on a diet?"

"No. I'm not on a diet. I'm just a vegetarian and we eat really healthy. You should totally try it. You'll never go back once you do because you won't miss meat(or food in general thought Carnivorosa). Trust me." CBG gives Veg a skeptic look. "I'll never miss meat? I don't know about that. I don't think I could be a vegetarian."

At this point Carnivorosa walked up to the group and entered the conversation along with
Nice Latina Nurse. Veg turns to CBG and NLN and says"Have you ever tried a Veggie burger? They are EXACTLY the same as a real one only no nasty meat!!" CBG says "For reals? I never had one." NLN shakes her head no that she never tried one either. Veg turns to Carnivorosa and asks "What about you?" Carnivorosa says" Yes, I have had a veggie burger and although I like them I could NEVER say they are exactly like a real hamburger- it's not the same. I like them, but it's a different taste"

This inspires an animation in Veg to prove Carnivorosa wrong. "That's not possible. They are just as good as real burgers. Do you have a Red Robin here in Dallas?" At this point Carnivorosa thought to herself - Why the Crap would you bring up the holy grail of juicy burger goodness to convert us to your sick "tasteless veggie food is easier to lose weight because you won't want to eat it" plan? Now I want a fruity beverage and a Whisky River Barbeque Burger- but what Carnivorosa said was " Heck yes we have Red Robin. Why?"

Veg replied,"Go order their Veggie burger. It's so amazing you'll never want meat again. That is totally the same as any burger." With thoughts of onion curls and a toasty bun in her head Carnivorosa said "I might try that sometime, but all you did was make me crave a bacon cheeseburger or something by mentioning Red Robin." At the mention of demon bacon Vegorexic began to dry heave and make gagging noises. After regaining control she hissed much like Nagini in the last Harry Potter movie.

Meanwhile CBG and NLN's eyes go wide and CBG says "You almost had me going along with you Veg. I can't believe I almost gave up bacon cheeseburgers!?! I'm never gonna be a vegetarian. FREEEK! " NLN nods in agreement and CBG and NLN begin a discussion about how tasty bacon is. Vegorexic flashes a dark look at Carnivorosa, foiled in her attempt to create another minion of PETA. Carnivorosa just flashed her teeth in a predatory smile. Vegorexic thought she might have seen fangs and heard the low rumble of the purr of a big cat, but she was never really sure.

Non-Electric Avenue

2008-06-17T14:23:00.000-07:00

I HATE it when the power goes off right as I need to cook and do laundry. Today is my day mostly off and literally the power must have gone off right as I got home this afternoon. ARG! I needed a hot lunch ! I was not willing to eat a crappy sandwich. I wanted pizza or soup or grilled cheese. These are "Erica got rained on" foods. I had to settle for some cereal to tide me over and then around 3 I left to get Taco Bell. Geez! Can't a girl get a break on her day off?

In contrast I don't mind as much at night if there is no good TV on. Sometimes I think it is a message that I need to go to bed early for once. I also love walking around with candles and flashlights.

Ok -Back to laundryville. Now my power is back on I gotta wash like the wind.

EDITOR'S COMMENT: It is now a few hours later and I made myself biscuits to have with jam and butter. Life is good once more. Ahhhhh carbs.

Commandaoke? Project Karaoke? The title still needs work

2008-06-16T20:08:00.000-07:00

Peeps. This has been brewing for a loooong time. I love a good game and a good challenge. The promise of singing karaoke at Sam's B-day this weekend only spurred on the madness. Karaoke needs to be more challenging. Yes, that's right. Who cares if I totally can't sing as well as Mariah or Christina? Being good is not necessary for what I have in mind. Here are the new rules:

1. You throw in a ton of really well known songs in to a hat. Man songs, Woman songs, Not Sure songs.

2. You get another separate hat and into it you add the names of famous singers with trademark sounds or famous styles (Sonny, Cher, Barbara, Pee Wee Hermann, Snow White, Sarah Brightman, Louis Armstrong, Bob Dylan, Opera, Country, Beat Poetry, Rap, etc)

3. Contestants pick a song and a style and go to it! And train wreck.

4. People will have have gongs or buzzers. Sometimes it will be torturous. Life is agony sometimes and so is the greatest game ever. So bad it's good.

5. Hilarity will ensue.

I think singing in a particular style is both a) awful sounding and b) forces people not to take themselves seriously which are the key elements to karaoke when it is in public. You can sing Faith Hill when you're all alone and then no one has to listen or pretend they like it. And you can realize(as I have) that you are not as good as you sound in the car and maybe you shouldn't try out for American Idol. Unless you write a song and bring mums.

I know there will be naysayers. I have not presented my ingenius idea yet because pretty much everyone I know except Erin and Alison(who both do great Chers) has said "What are you smoking- I can't sing- why would you think I could karaoke and do it in a style?" My response is No I don't think you can sing. That is why I am suggesting this alternative where no one expects or wants you to sound good. That is why this idea could rock hard.

The only obstacle is that people are way too self conscious to tank a song like "Stand By Me" while singing like a large german opera singer apparently.

I am thinking my game only appeals to a select few. And to those to whom it appeals - we must play it someday and see if it is awesome or an abomination.

The Adventures of Opera Man and Goth Girl- A Cautionary Tale

2008-06-15T20:11:00.000-07:00

Ok, so today at church there was a lovely display right in front of my row. I had a person in front of me blocking the view(Thanks AMY!) so I was not as grossed out. I heard the account from my sister and Aibi that there was greatness taking place in church inappropriateness history. Let me recount for you The Adventures of Opera Man and Goth Girl: A Cautionary Tale

Once there lived a boy who liked cravats and medieval weaponry. He was raised with many varied interests and insatiable curiosity and he was in fact a very nice individual. As he grew to a man, the love of cravats only grew within him and started to necessitate MORE man-cessories to balance silken knots. Thus our hero needed special vests, and jackets with tails, and knee high leather boots to complete "the look". His hair also grew at an astonishing rate until like Sampson of old it became a source of his powers. With his silky locks and "ravisher of wenches" outfits he became known as Opera Man.

One day our hero met a girl with a look as dramatic as his own. With heavy eyeliner, and dramatic black clothing she was as goth as a girl can be. Without being macabre or dangerous which is the essence of true goth if you ask the narrator, not just wearing constant funeral attire, but I digress. When Opera Man met Goth Girl it was love at first dramatic gesture.

As time passed and Sunday neared they decided to attend church. Opera Man wore his normal attire, and Goth Girl wore the standard black, but in a homage to 80's Madonna. No one knew how their two secret powers would combine to blow the minds of their fellow attendees. It all began when they sat directly in front of a crowd that were already annoyed by summer people coming in 30 minutes late and giving shout-outs and by constant laughter and talking around them every week disrupting the reverence. As Opera Man and Goth Girl sat there the fates collided. Opera Man had brushed his gleaming locks an extra 200 brush strokes that morning to make it extra touchable. The unsuspecting Goth Girl, in the fervor of all of the accessory possibilities inherent in the imitation of 80's Madonna, put on her trademark lace fingerless gloves.

As they sat in the sunlit church, Goth Girl's fingers itched to touch the silky locks. Dared she? Oh yes, she dared! Goth Girl began to run her fingers through Opera Man's hair. So Soft! So Shiny! Does he use leave-in conditioner? She couldn't get enough. As she ran her fingers through for a 100th and 150th time, steam began escaping from the ears of the two girls behind her, but Goth Girl was so enraptured she didn't notice. If only she had payed attention to the feelings of those around her, tragedy could have been avoided! As her lacy hand rose comb through for the 151st time, a small tangle in Opera man's hair, caused by her greedy fingers, caught in the rough lace of the Madonna glove. Goth Girl tried to stop, but there was too much momentum in her hand. The glove started to unravel and the lace caught up even more in the locks of poor Opera Man. Goth Girl gasped as her naked hand was exposed to the gaze of the angry girls behind her. In the same moment Opera Man realized he had a massive knot of black thread and silky locks on the back of his head. THE HORROR! He began tearing at the knot and in his rush of emotion he started shredding the locks of his hair until much of it was in his lap and that which was left was furry and split-ended. Goth Girl looked down at her outfit and realized that without the black glove, she had lost the required noire:pasty ratio, she was just another girl in a black dress and not really Goth at all.

At that moment a dove flew into the chapel and a single tear escaped it's eye and POOF the dramatic couple was gone forever. The two girls behind them were instantly able to pay attention to the meeting. Until the next week when the magical row in front of them sucked in yet another couple with its "people who need to get a room or want to show off that they have unlimited texting" magnet.

The End.

Hott Springz- The Top 10

2008-06-09T19:32:00.000-07:00

Could my weekend have been any more hilarious? I doubt it. Let us add up all the elements that led to the awesomeness since Alison covered only some of the weekend on her blog.

1) Driving every wrong way possible on what appeared to be one highway but apparently had a bunch of turn offs. Then doing it again. And again. Then 4 hours of success. Then another completely non labeled highway turn off. Greatness.

2) Who knew Cher sounded so awesome singing the Immaculate Collection?

3) Hugh Dancy was in 2 movies we watched......and british and adorable and putting his feeling out there yet he somehow seems a little vulnerable which is rare in a man. I'll stop talking now.

4) Semi-drunkenness from lack of sleep, old bathhouse for pedis, patio full o' junk, homeless looking man in a wife beater...wait....look again!!!

Man with wife beater shaped tan lines. I seriously bet people heard us cackling for miles from our vantage point at the top of the bathhouse.

5) Man on bike giving us a quick little handout and riding quickly away- to tell us we were going to HELL.

Well apparently there MUST be friends in hell as everyone I know is going there according to his little booklet. It will be one rockin partay. Holla!

6) Fish shaped everything in our house. Fish platters and plates and commemorative stamps and paintings and pillows and wall hangings. Really the best were the MASSIVE fish shaped pillows in the living room. I wish this picture of Aibi showed the catfish's incredibly unbalanced whiskers. One was really long and the other short. Priceless.

7) An electronic keyboard+ The theme to Deliverance+Strings setting= Emo Deliverance. It made me want to cut myself while gutting a fish.

8)An unending string of justifications to eat every dessert in the place consecutively the first night.

a) We need matches so we can't have smores. I'll have fruit and a weight watchers ice cream.

b) Bomb Pops are practically water anyways and it's still hot out.

c) I am still slightly hungry and we need to wait up for Amy and Aibi so a chocolate chip cookie will give me a caffeine boost.

d) Technically you don't need a fire for smores- you can make them golden on the stovetop. Shame to have smores only one night when it could have been two. Shame to eat only one smore.

9) Here's to CHAD awareness and support. Whatever the heck CHAD actually was.

10) Staying up late for Aibi and Amy was worth it just to watch Best Week Ever(I guarantee it!) and Bear Grylls(this part of the monitor is sooo tasty!)

Ladies- I miss you all already. What a weekend.

A Mother's Secret (Lifetime movie pending)

2008-06-03T14:22:00.000-07:00

"Holy Crap! That is NOT worth a lollipop!" Slow slide to floor. And scene.

So I am totally unable to use my left arm today. I went to my pre-employment check-up yesterday and they saw it had been 8 yrs since my last Tetanus shot and they give it with Pertussis now to adults(like 4 of my instructors actually got whooping cough last year from being at Children's) they gave me a dpT (diptheria pertussis tenatus) on the spot. And drew blood and gave me a Tb test. On the same arm. YAY!

So the nurse said it would hurt possibly last night or this morning and be a bit achy and I might get a fever or headache. So an hour later I was like OWWWWWW. It was hurting already. I went home and felt crappy so I took a 4 hour nap. 4 HOURS! Then I sat around all night whining about my arm and then fell asleep at like 11:30 and slept for like 10 hours. And tossed and turned all night because stuff kept touching my arm. I was forced to skip my precious Zumba class this morning due to arm gimp and then have sat at home going OW OW OW all day. I went grocery shopping and had to do everything with one arm. Then I came home and had issues putting groceries away because I couldn't lift my arm at all.

Why am I telling you this? It all ties in with the future Lifetime movie. My mom comes home from work this afternoon and asks how I am and I tell her my arm is a throbbing mess and she says....really why? (so apparently she pays no attention to anything going on around her- not a suprise to anyone) So I say...um....hello? I got the dpT in it yesterday. And she's all "Oh....you didn't get all your shots as a child because you were allergic. You aren't supposed to get a dpT you just get Tetanus. "

Ok- isn't a mother supposed to tell her child is she had a horrible allergic reaction as a child? I was like.....mom...I have my shot records and no where on it does it say anything about me not getting all my baby shots for pertussis or me being allergic to anything? Why didn't you say anything about it? Or....maybe WRITE IT ON THE RECORD??????

And she's all "Well....I'm sure I've said something about it before."

And I'm all.....um NO you didn't - as far as I'm aware I have only one drug allergy and that's it. If I had another one you have never said anything or written it on any medical record EVER.

And her response" Well....you weren't supposed to get that shot. I bet your arm hurts bad."

Yes mom.....it does.

The sad reality is I probably would have had to get this shot anyways. Pertussis is way worse that a hurt arm or a possible anaphalactic reaction- right? Someone sell my story to pay off my student loans and credit card if I don't survive.

The Hidden Valley Incident

2008-06-01T20:40:00.001-07:00

So here's the story since Alison and my sis have not yet stolen the blogworthy event.

The Setting: Opening of Sunday School Lesson

Candice Meldrum(teacher):In the gospel there are a lot of words it is hard to describe. What are some words we use in the church that are confusing for people outside the church? ( I am paraphrasing)

Answer 1: Ward

Answer 2: Stake

Me: Ranch Dressing, I am telling you, it is SOOO hard to describe to someone who has never had it.

Everyone in class: weird looks in my direction

My sister(whispering): Erica stop now- that is NOT what she was asking!!!!

Aibi: so is it Tuna or Chicken Jessica?

And Scene.

Here is what I heard :

Candice: There are some things that are hard to describe in the church- what are some things that are hard to describe?

( I immediately think of the famous how do you describe the spirit? It's like Salt analogy)

Answer 1: (I didn't hear it)

Answer 2: Steak

Me: Ranch Dressing

(And yes, I WAS wearing Jessica Simpson Shoes. Aibi is psychic and very flattering too. Flatter Flatter. )

Miss Erica Regrets....

2008-05-31T23:57:00.000-07:00

I had a surreal moment that really got me thinking this week. (Note to self- if you have to think- should I go look at this person’s blog? The answer is probably NO)
I had one of those awful flashbacks to the past that you have put wayyyy behind you. The past you would rather remember fondly and distantly and not very often.

I’m talking about the relationships that ended badly or awkwardly and that you should have moved on from. I had a great guy friend a looooong time ago and I hadn’t heard from him other than knowing he got married while I was on my mission. I remember thinking to myself when I was young and dumb that we would eventually work our problems out and start dating and get married, but probably after we both served missions. I figured the Lord was keeping us as “just friends” cause we had stuff to accomplish. It was one of those awkward liking each other at different times type things. Well, the timing obviously didn’t ever work out and I hadn’t given him a thought in forever. FOREVER. Pretty much since I got the letter on my mission that he was getting married.

So- having had much agony, heartache and woe since then in actual dating life so that this became a childhood crush type thing, I was confident in myself and thought…..ooooh he has a blog! I’ll take a look down memory lane! Big mistake. I realized a) I really don’t know him at all anymore and he was probably the closest male friend I’ve ever had so that was tragically sad and b) As much as I ever think I’ve moved on from relationships, you may get over anger, jealousy and bad type emotions, but you don’t get over just caring about and missing someone.

So then I of course started reminiscing and it made me sad to have lost that close friendship. And I hadn’t given a thought to that at all recently so it’s like it brought a little dark cloud into my life where there was none.

I thought about the dumb arguments we had and how immature some of it was since we were so young. Then I realized…..hmm….actually….I think most of the immature points of view were on my part. It was a painful week of realizing that currently I say a lot of dumb things that I wish I could take back…..and apparently I have a loooong history of it. It is frustrating to wonder how you can make the same mistakes over and over again. But reassuring to know that the Lord loves me and even if I keep falling I am determined to pick myself up, brush myself off, and start all over again.

It really reminded me of the scriptures where it says “…notwithstanding the great goodness of the Lord, in showing me his great works, my heart exclaimeth: O wretched man that I am! Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities. I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me. And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted.”

I feel much more sure of myself now than back then and I think it’s because my testimony has grown stronger since then. I can make these mistakes and feel like I am still OK and the world’s not going to end.

It’s interesting to think about the people who seem so sure of themselves. My friend was one of the strongest people I have ever known. Ridiculously mature. Seemingly perfect in most aspects of the gospel. But was it all only on the outside? I know he had insecurities- he just wasn’t very vocal about them. Some people seem to really never change greatly in their personalities or habits. And thinking about myself…….wow…..I have had quite a few “maturity growth spurts”. I wonder if everyone has them but some people are just not as open about it. I hope so. I mean, I am sure he has had life altering growing experiences, but off the top of my head…. from the outside looking in, they have been through changes and not through mistakes he has made. Whereas in my life…..I makey the mistakeys. And lots of them.

From the outside looking in…….it’s pretty depressing to say that and fitting to how I feel in general right now. I used to have the inside scoop on his life, but now I can read his blog. I think most of the time when we beat ourselves up over comparisons we make to other people(why must we do that?) we have about that same level of closeness to the reality of their life as reading a blog. We don’t really know what’s going on inside their mind and heart as much as we may think we are getting the full story.

So, anyways, I am kind of glad my catlike curiosity made me open that page. Over the course of the week and through alot of thought, the little dark cloud has lightened and I do feel better about myself. I may have initally had some shellshock at the memories of my stupidity, but I think it has helped me take a moment to sort through who I am and who I want to be right now, and steps I should take to get there.

So to sum it all up - one of my favorite songs of all time. One I had in my mind all week. Even though obviously this is not some huge lost love or something, the truth of the chorus to this song has spoken to me since I was a child about all relationships. And when one of my favorite artists released her version it became a staple to my playlists. I give you ....

“The Heart of the Matter” by India Arie [originally performed by Don Henley]

I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And all the struggles we went through
How I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?

I've been learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew,
I'm learning them again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

These times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined
And people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age
And the trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill, I guess
Pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms
And the work they put between us,
You know it doesn't keep us warm

I've been trying to live without you now
But I miss you, baby
The more I know, the less I understand
And all the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my heart is so shattered
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

All the people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down, you know they hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; cause life goes on
You keep carrin' that anger, it'll eat you up inside

I wanna be happily ever after
And my heart is so shattered
But I know it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me

I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
Because the flesh gets weak
And the ashes will scatter
So I'm thinkin' about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if you don't love me anymore
Even if you don't love me anymore

For the Kids

2008-05-29T16:05:00.000-07:00

I was listening to the radio while I was coming home today and I heard the lady on the radio(not a station I normally listen to so I don't know her name) start a conversation about famous people being from Texas. She mentioned American Idol's Jason Castro because apparently today they are having an event in Rockwall for him.

Now here's the awesome part. She suggested that he should come into her studios so she could cut his hair. She was polling women on the phone and they all said his hair was heinously awful. And here's where it gets really good. The radio host started suggesting (with all seriousness) that Jason should come in so she could cut his hair on the air and donate it to Locks of Love. Let's think about that for a moment shall we.

Can you imagine that those sick dreds are actually useful to an organization that makes wigs? Off the top of my head I knew this, but for your info the rules are

- 10 inch minimum length of hair cut

-Not bleached or highlighted

-Clean and dry and in a ponytail

Then I checked the actual site and here is a quote for your reading pleasure :

"We cannot accept dreadlocks. Our manufacturer is not able to use them in our children’s hairpieces. "

And can you imagine the poor kids if they did?! Although his wig might be fun for the Make-A-Wish foundation for kids who want to be rasta for a day.

My Hero

2008-05-27T21:13:00.001-07:00

Friends I have two mental images for you.

1) A superhero with a monocle.

2) A lady love who navigates by sonar and makes dolphin noises to locate her man as he rescues her.

These are the elements that we included in our conversation tonight as we watched the original Bruceman. I mean Beetlejuiceman, I mean Batman.

I wonder if the reason Lois Lane could never tell Clark was Superman was because she was too proud to wear the Vicki Vale half-face covering glasses. Astigmatism and vanity has kept many a man's identity secret.

I heart the wilfull suspension of disbelief.

The Disturbing Possibilities......

2008-05-23T11:18:00.001-07:00

I finally finished the book that had been creeping me out. For anyone who is interested it was called The Historian and is about a girl researching the real history of Dracula and her family's past. It is not what I would call an easy read- when they say she is a historian we are talking medieval source docs and stuff and hours spent slaving over archives in musty libraries. This is no action packed Underworld type book. At most points at least.

So anyways, I finished it. I learned all kinds of information which I am not sure if it is all true(the research- not the are vampires real part) as some was obviously embellished for the story's sake, but the author really is a historian so.... my point is I'm not scared of vampires. I'm scared more of the other creepy stuff taking place in the book. For instance:

1) People getting drowsy while studying in their carrel in an almost empty library and waking to find that someone has been watching them and left them a present.

2) People finding out when you research subjects that are taboo to them (ie- what if the library had hackers who could see when you looked up research on ....carrots... and the wrath of the National carrot council came down upon you at your home one day). This most likely is reality. I wouldn't doubt that the NSA or CIA keeps track of what books get checked out or tracks IP addresses to see what websites get looked at. It's just creepy if it got into the hands of people who work for foreign governments or other special interest groups. In the book, it was Dracula psychically knowing you researched him. YIKES!!

3) The scary Eastern European countries in the 70's. You weren't really allowed to go there. And if you got in you ran ALOT of risk of not coming back due to being accused of spying etc. This would also still apply today to any number of countries.

In most of my favorite scary movies and books the key element of the plot is the disturbing possibility that parts of the story COULD be real. AHHHH!!! This is why I am a lover of the psychological thriller and not gore.

Here are some of my favorite movies:

1. Vertigo- Holy Crap- what an amazing movie and concept. If you didn't already know I worshipped Alfred Hitchcock here is your notice. Rear Window is also sheer genius, but I like the way Vertigo messes with your mind even more and makes the supernatural believable.

2. The Others- I like the use of Catholic Ritual which is creepy in and of itself, the children's allergy to light, the locking and shutting of doors, and how the fog almost becomes a character. I can't even tell you how much the pictures scare me. Why? Because they do exist in reality.

3. Dead Again- this is a classic for me. Kenneth Branagh and Emma Thompson are amazing. The first movie that introduced me to the concept of a movie with disturbing elements of truth mixed with more improbable stuff. Would I accept past lives on their own as a possibility? No. But can I dismiss having dreams that seem too real with info that you aren't sure how you know....uhhh....not completely. Awesome! Although the end is gory and cheesy. I love the buildup.

I know there are more but my brain is still focusing on the injustice that I cannot immediately visit Istanbul and Romania and Bulgaria and France to see the main sites in The Historian. ARG! I need to travel hard core.

Peeping through my fingers doesn't work so well for reading

2008-05-20T15:02:00.000-07:00

Ever been so creeped out that you needed to be with another alive and friendly human being in order to read a book or watch a scary movie? It's a necessity sometimes.

Back in college I was in a late night showing of "What Lies Beneath", maybe it wouldn't be super creepy by daylight, but our filmstrip got messed up after like 5 minutes of movie. Just where it got a little creepy. Then an hour later they restarted the movie and we didn't get out til like 2 am. I am telling you......driving through a completely empty small town in the middle of a weeknight after a creepy movie......my roommate and I were so glad we had each other. We screamed out loud multiple times. So embarrassing, but alone- I can't even imagine how awful.

When I watched "The Grudge" my friend Rindi and I had to take breathing breaks because the movie was so intense. I also lost some skin on my leg to her nails. I think we needed an actual male presence to handle that one. It would have been much better. She is also the person who let out a blood-curdling scream in The Village before anything happened that made everyone in the theater start laughing at her. She also bruised my thighs with the nails (that time I had jeans on).

I bring this up because I have a most-likely very lame show DVR'd. I have had it there for like 2 months now. My sister and I are determined to watch it together for moral support. I think it is too lame for my dad though. There is always the fear though- what if it's not lame but really scary!?!?! My sister and I are about as effective at relieving each others fear as Shaggy and Scooby.

And the most pathetic of all is the need for moral support while reading a book. Unfortunately I usually don't realize I am thoroughly freaked out until it is like 2 am and I am alone in the dark house listening to the AC and some mysterious rustling outside my window just as the AC turns off. Then I sit in bed sure that there is a mass murderer peeping at me. And my heart races and it takes me an hour to go to bed. ARG!

This happened last night. Reading about an undead librarian chasing young academic researchers through the library stacks and stalking them all over Europe apparently seemed more of a reality at 2 am last night. Now I feel stupid. But I will most likely get freaked again tonight. I may have to just stay up suuuuper late and finish the book so that there is closure and I know good triumphs etc. I have a bad feeling that may not be in the cards though. YIKES!