The Tale of Overconfident E

Tuesday, August 2, 2011 |

Our poor friend E.

After a productive year of weight loss, E had recently began chunking out due to some health problems. Bummer. After a month or two of contemplating the best way to get in better shape, E went for a fun night out with Slim K at a local roller rink. Despite skates that were like homeless men's shoes affixed with dental wire to broken grocery cart wheels that veer to one side, E and K burnt up that rink with their smooth moves.

E thought to herself at the end of the night. My! I sure do like skating alot. And it's way more fun than running or using the elliptical. I wonder how awesome I could be at skating if I actually had real roller skates and practiced?

Visions of herself in derby gear floated through her head. Like Ellen Page in Whip It, she would race through the streets of her neighborhood, gaining confidence and skill. She would then be so awesome she would be spotted at a local rink and invited to join Lone Star Assassins or the Dead Kennedys where she would kick A and take names elbowing lesser skaters aside, bodies flying into beer can towers and fans in lawn chairs. Ahh. It would ROCK!!!

E carefully perused ebay for skates she could afford and eagerly awaited them in the mail. They arrived on a work day and on the first day she had off work, she had evening plans. DARN!!! But....E really wanted to try out the awesome skates. She guessed it would have to wait.

If only E had kept to this resolve.

On arriving home at 11pm.....E loving greeted her giant chihuahua shepherd, RoxMonster. She walked further into her house and saw her lovely new skates gleaming on the floor. What a thing of beauty!! Those skates NEEDED to be used. She sat on her couch and RoxMonster looked at her with pleading soft brown puppy eyes. Mommy- pweeese walk me!!!

In that instant an ingenious plan developed in E's twisted brain. It was too brilliant! E should take an inaugural skate while walking RoxMonster through her badly lit neighborhood!!!

She strapped the black and red demon skates to her unknowing feet and grabbed a leash. RoxMonster approached her and sniffed at the weird creatures attacking mommy's feet. Alien invaders!!!! E convinced the monster it was OK to proceed with the aliens and they went out the front door. E wobbled as she tried to hold RoxMonster back from the initial lunge out the door. E stepped down out of the house and turned to put the key in the lock. Finally, she turned and faced her future. She was gonna burn this neighborhood UP.

Crap. The sidewalk away from the house was all downhill and covered with mini-twigs and dirt. No problem. E just needed to get rolling. Get her groove on. RoxMonster hesitated by her side. E realized she needed to have room for her skates to push off so she shooed the monster into a trot and took off. Literally.

As E contemplated the night sky from her position on her back under a tree she saw some brilliant stars gleaming despite the city lights. Her legs felt bent in all crazy directions. She thought she felt a root sticking into her shoulder. RoxMonster quickly took advantage of the situation to climb slowly atop the heap of limbs. Her nose majestically pointed in the air, she howled her victory over the woman-hill, channeling her inner wolf-child, and letting the neighborhood dogs know she was on top. After a few moments of victory, the monster was apparently disturbed by the moaning and silent weeping interrupting her wolf-glory. RoxMonster began to bat her mommy in the face with her nose and slurped inquisitively at her cheek. Was she alive? It was hard to tell.

E used her hands to bring each skewed leg back into alignment and slowly arose. She wobbled her way back into the house, walking on the skate brakes. RoxMonster trailed behind on her leash, looking back longingly at the neighborhood, denied her victory tour.

E sat slowly on the couch, realized her tailbone was smooshed, she had scrapes everywhere, and her ankles and knees of steel had, for the the first time in her life, been minorly twisted or sprained. What the H? How could her brilliant plan have gone wrong?

It was a mystery. One that she would have ample time to solve while stuck on her couch with her tailbone making its previously faith-based existence insistently known.

Once again,Poor E.


Erika said...

Oh! Poor, poor E! I'm sorry to hear your inaugural venture ended in such tragedy and trauma. I send best wishes for a rolling recovery.

Miss Nesbit said...

:( I'm sorry about your injury but I loved the story! It made me laugh and then made me sad that I was laughing at your pain. :(

Kristen said...

Alternate Title.. Twice Dented Cans... and other tales of Woe.