It's cool baby

Thursday, June 26, 2008 |

So the awfulness of my day at work Monday has had the effect of making me more calm than usual. Working in an area of the hospital where people really do die is a total downer, but I knew that was what I was getting myself in for when I signed up and I'm OK with it. But is also has the effect of clobbering me over the head with eternal perspective which I definitely need sometimes.

So I have had all kinds of stupid personal drama this week. Some of you have heard about it, but it's not even exciting personal drama, so I won't go into it. The main point is, all things considered, I would probably not be sleeping super well at night, would have a racing heart from anxiety, be sniping at everyone around me under normal circumstances. I'm a worrier. But some how I am not. I am relatively OK and actually feeling kind of hippie peace love cool man daddy-o about life right now. Whatever baby. It's alright.

I am doing what I want to be doing finally. YAY! I am getting a paycheck finally(and on a regular basis) YAY! I am still getting to go to Zumba once in a while YAY! I get to go see Stephenie Meyer again YAY!

Not to say that I don't have other issues in my life, but the positives are outweighing the negatives right now. Or at least I am having an increased ability to focus on the positives. I just hope the effect my work has on me doesn't completely wear off.

So anyways I haven't blogged during the week this week, but here are the thing people have told me to blog about:

1) A lady at Zumba wore a thong (visible) that she had to keep pulling up. Super classy and attractive. And did I mention that Khalilah and I are the only women under 45 there? Can I make a thong age limit? Actually I'm anti-thing at any age. I gotta be honest. And VISIBLE? That is just so.......desperate.

2) At Jen's request - And I quote: myself : "You should have been here so you could go get mystic tans with my sister and me and look like a baked potato too. Or toast. Mmmm carbs."

3) An Ode to my Heating Pad. This was actually my idea but I am too lazy to take a pic and download it for you all. I felt that a blog all about how much I love my heating pad (or ice packs) would necessitate visuals. I ain't got that kind of energy this week. I'll include some of my deep feelings though anyways for your reading pleasure.

Oh my dear sweet heating pad, you are a joy in my life. Anytime I am in pain, there you are for me, like a bear hug from the Sun. I love you HP and you are almost an addiction to me at times. You give me a pain-free buzz so it is only right that I have never used you on any other power level than high. Why do they even have other levels? Who uses them? People who are coldhearted or maybe the reptile family. But I digress. Oh heating pad, I don't have a pet, but if you are with me I can close my eyes and imagine I have a warm little doggie curled up next to me. But a doggie would get up to bark and have bad breath and lick my face so heating pad- in reality you are better than a pet. More constant, More loyal, More hot, Less smelly. Cheaper. Lower maintenance. When I feel blue, heating pad, you give me the feeling of love, of being wrapped in grandma's quilt or sitting next to a campfire with my friends. Heating Pad, in my current circumstances you are better than any boyfriend I could have, because you are able to sleep with me and keep my popsicle toes warm. Ya know, unless I went off the deep end and got a Lovah. In which case maybe you would have second place in my heart. For a while, I have to be honest, I thought electric blanket had it going on. But then I began to feel smothered by his warmth. He was too big, and a little overwhelmingly hot for the long term. But HP, you are just right. If I fall asleep, you just take the other side of the bed and you are there for me when I need you again, so secure of yourself that you don't ever act needy like that blanky. In short, Heating Pad you got it going on.

The Ballad of the Vegorexic and Carnivorosa

Saturday, June 21, 2008 |

The Scene: New Nurse Training
The Characters:
Cool Black Girl(CBG)- A new nurse from Arkansas
Nice Latina Nurse(NLN)- a friend of CBG
The Vegorexic- A new super emaciated nurse from Minnesota(equipped with Frances McDormand accent with a huge helping of valley girl)

The Vegorexic was a lonely and anal retentive girl who walked the earth feeling slightly lost and damaged. Ya. She did. So she moved to Texas because a friend told her to and embarked on a new nursing career.

Texas was totally hot. Oh gee. And the free lunches always came with a few vegetarian entrees. You would think to yourself that this would make a vegetarian Minnesotan happy, but you would be wrong because our dear nursey was .....vegorexic. A distinct difference from the typical vegetarian who doesn't like meat. Little Vegorixec didn't want to eat at all and used vegetarianism as a front to opt out of eating.

She though she was fooling everyone, but unfortunately Carnivorosa had too much experience with vegorexics to miss the clues. When Vegorexic picked up a knife and fork to eat her veggie wrap there was a hint that something was off. Then she cut it into tiny pieces and then separated each veggie into piles which she then moved around the plate and started eating one carrot shred at a time and then threw away the plate without having eaten more than 5 carrot shreds and said "That was yummy -I am sooo full!" Carnivorosa knew now exactly what she was dealing with.

One fine summer day Cool Black Girl and the Vegorexic started a conversation about how gosh darn skinny our Vegorixec was. CBG said to Veg " I have got to lose some weight and you are sooo thin. Whatever you are doing it must be working. Really Working. Are you on a diet?"

"No. I'm not on a diet. I'm just a vegetarian and we eat really healthy. You should totally try it. You'll never go back once you do because you won't miss meat(or food in general thought Carnivorosa). Trust me." CBG gives Veg a skeptic look. "I'll never miss meat? I don't know about that. I don't think I could be a vegetarian."

At this point Carnivorosa walked up to the group and entered the conversation along with
Nice Latina Nurse. Veg turns to CBG and NLN and says"Have you ever tried a Veggie burger? They are EXACTLY the same as a real one only no nasty meat!!" CBG says "For reals? I never had one." NLN shakes her head no that she never tried one either. Veg turns to Carnivorosa and asks "What about you?" Carnivorosa says" Yes, I have had a veggie burger and although I like them I could NEVER say they are exactly like a real hamburger- it's not the same. I like them, but it's a different taste"

This inspires an animation in Veg to prove Carnivorosa wrong. "That's not possible. They are just as good as real burgers. Do you have a Red Robin here in Dallas?" At this point Carnivorosa thought to herself - Why the Crap would you bring up the holy grail of juicy burger goodness to convert us to your sick "tasteless veggie food is easier to lose weight because you won't want to eat it" plan? Now I want a fruity beverage and a Whisky River Barbeque Burger- but what Carnivorosa said was " Heck yes we have Red Robin. Why?"

Veg replied,"Go order their Veggie burger. It's so amazing you'll never want meat again. That is totally the same as any burger." With thoughts of onion curls and a toasty bun in her head Carnivorosa said "I might try that sometime, but all you did was make me crave a bacon cheeseburger or something by mentioning Red Robin." At the mention of demon bacon Vegorexic began to dry heave and make gagging noises. After regaining control she hissed much like Nagini in the last Harry Potter movie.

Meanwhile CBG and NLN's eyes go wide and CBG says "You almost had me going along with you Veg. I can't believe I almost gave up bacon cheeseburgers!?! I'm never gonna be a vegetarian. FREEEK! " NLN nods in agreement and CBG and NLN begin a discussion about how tasty bacon is. Vegorexic flashes a dark look at Carnivorosa, foiled in her attempt to create another minion of PETA. Carnivorosa just flashed her teeth in a predatory smile. Vegorexic thought she might have seen fangs and heard the low rumble of the purr of a big cat, but she was never really sure.

Non-Electric Avenue

Tuesday, June 17, 2008 |

I HATE it when the power goes off right as I need to cook and do laundry. Today is my day mostly off and literally the power must have gone off right as I got home this afternoon. ARG! I needed a hot lunch ! I was not willing to eat a crappy sandwich. I wanted pizza or soup or grilled cheese. These are "Erica got rained on" foods. I had to settle for some cereal to tide me over and then around 3 I left to get Taco Bell. Geez! Can't a girl get a break on her day off?

In contrast I don't mind as much at night if there is no good TV on. Sometimes I think it is a message that I need to go to bed early for once. I also love walking around with candles and flashlights.

Ok -Back to laundryville. Now my power is back on I gotta wash like the wind.

EDITOR'S COMMENT: It is now a few hours later and I made myself biscuits to have with jam and butter. Life is good once more. Ahhhhh carbs.

Commandaoke? Project Karaoke? The title still needs work

Monday, June 16, 2008 |

Peeps. This has been brewing for a loooong time. I love a good game and a good challenge. The promise of singing karaoke at Sam's B-day this weekend only spurred on the madness. Karaoke needs to be more challenging. Yes, that's right. Who cares if I totally can't sing as well as Mariah or Christina? Being good is not necessary for what I have in mind. Here are the new rules:

1. You throw in a ton of really well known songs in to a hat. Man songs, Woman songs, Not Sure songs.

2. You get another separate hat and into it you add the names of famous singers with trademark sounds or famous styles (Sonny, Cher, Barbara, Pee Wee Hermann, Snow White, Sarah Brightman, Louis Armstrong, Bob Dylan, Opera, Country, Beat Poetry, Rap, etc)

3. Contestants pick a song and a style and go to it! And train wreck.

4. People will have have gongs or buzzers. Sometimes it will be torturous. Life is agony sometimes and so is the greatest game ever. So bad it's good.

5. Hilarity will ensue.

I think singing in a particular style is both a) awful sounding and b) forces people not to take themselves seriously which are the key elements to karaoke when it is in public. You can sing Faith Hill when you're all alone and then no one has to listen or pretend they like it. And you can realize(as I have) that you are not as good as you sound in the car and maybe you shouldn't try out for American Idol. Unless you write a song and bring mums.

I know there will be naysayers. I have not presented my ingenius idea yet because pretty much everyone I know except Erin and Alison(who both do great Chers) has said "What are you smoking- I can't sing- why would you think I could karaoke and do it in a style?" My response is No I don't think you can sing. That is why I am suggesting this alternative where no one expects or wants you to sound good. That is why this idea could rock hard.

The only obstacle is that people are way too self conscious to tank a song like "Stand By Me" while singing like a large german opera singer apparently.

I am thinking my game only appeals to a select few. And to those to whom it appeals - we must play it someday and see if it is awesome or an abomination.

Ok, so today at church there was a lovely display right in front of my row. I had a person in front of me blocking the view(Thanks AMY!) so I was not as grossed out. I heard the account from my sister and Aibi that there was greatness taking place in church inappropriateness history. Let me recount for you The Adventures of Opera Man and Goth Girl: A Cautionary Tale

Once there lived a boy who liked cravats and medieval weaponry. He was raised with many varied interests and insatiable curiosity and he was in fact a very nice individual. As he grew to a man, the love of cravats only grew within him and started to necessitate MORE man-cessories to balance silken knots. Thus our hero needed special vests, and jackets with tails, and knee high leather boots to complete "the look". His hair also grew at an astonishing rate until like Sampson of old it became a source of his powers. With his silky locks and "ravisher of wenches" outfits he became known as Opera Man.

One day our hero met a girl with a look as dramatic as his own. With heavy eyeliner, and dramatic black clothing she was as goth as a girl can be. Without being macabre or dangerous which is the essence of true goth if you ask the narrator, not just wearing constant funeral attire, but I digress. When Opera Man met Goth Girl it was love at first dramatic gesture.

As time passed and Sunday neared they decided to attend church. Opera Man wore his normal attire, and Goth Girl wore the standard black, but in a homage to 80's Madonna. No one knew how their two secret powers would combine to blow the minds of their fellow attendees. It all began when they sat directly in front of a crowd that were already annoyed by summer people coming in 30 minutes late and giving shout-outs and by constant laughter and talking around them every week disrupting the reverence. As Opera Man and Goth Girl sat there the fates collided. Opera Man had brushed his gleaming locks an extra 200 brush strokes that morning to make it extra touchable. The unsuspecting Goth Girl, in the fervor of all of the accessory possibilities inherent in the imitation of 80's Madonna, put on her trademark lace fingerless gloves.

As they sat in the sunlit church, Goth Girl's fingers itched to touch the silky locks. Dared she? Oh yes, she dared! Goth Girl began to run her fingers through Opera Man's hair. So Soft! So Shiny! Does he use leave-in conditioner? She couldn't get enough. As she ran her fingers through for a 100th and 150th time, steam began escaping from the ears of the two girls behind her, but Goth Girl was so enraptured she didn't notice. If only she had payed attention to the feelings of those around her, tragedy could have been avoided! As her lacy hand rose comb through for the 151st time, a small tangle in Opera man's hair, caused by her greedy fingers, caught in the rough lace of the Madonna glove. Goth Girl tried to stop, but there was too much momentum in her hand. The glove started to unravel and the lace caught up even more in the locks of poor Opera Man. Goth Girl gasped as her naked hand was exposed to the gaze of the angry girls behind her. In the same moment Opera Man realized he had a massive knot of black thread and silky locks on the back of his head. THE HORROR! He began tearing at the knot and in his rush of emotion he started shredding the locks of his hair until much of it was in his lap and that which was left was furry and split-ended. Goth Girl looked down at her outfit and realized that without the black glove, she had lost the required noire:pasty ratio, she was just another girl in a black dress and not really Goth at all.

At that moment a dove flew into the chapel and a single tear escaped it's eye and POOF the dramatic couple was gone forever. The two girls behind them were instantly able to pay attention to the meeting. Until the next week when the magical row in front of them sucked in yet another couple with its "people who need to get a room or want to show off that they have unlimited texting" magnet.

The End.

Hott Springz- The Top 10

Monday, June 9, 2008 |

Could my weekend have been any more hilarious? I doubt it. Let us add up all the elements that led to the awesomeness since Alison covered only some of the weekend on her blog.

1) Driving every wrong way possible on what appeared to be one highway but apparently had a bunch of turn offs. Then doing it again. And again. Then 4 hours of success. Then another completely non labeled highway turn off. Greatness.

2) Who knew Cher sounded so awesome singing the Immaculate Collection?

3) Hugh Dancy was in 2 movies we watched......and british and adorable and putting his feeling out there yet he somehow seems a little vulnerable which is rare in a man. I'll stop talking now.

4) Semi-drunkenness from lack of sleep, old bathhouse for pedis, patio full o' junk, homeless looking man in a wife beater...wait....look again!!!

Man with wife beater shaped tan lines. I seriously bet people heard us cackling for miles from our vantage point at the top of the bathhouse.

5) Man on bike giving us a quick little handout and riding quickly away- to tell us we were going to HELL.

Well apparently there MUST be friends in hell as everyone I know is going there according to his little booklet. It will be one rockin partay. Holla!

6) Fish shaped everything in our house. Fish platters and plates and commemorative stamps and paintings and pillows and wall hangings. Really the best were the MASSIVE fish shaped pillows in the living room. I wish this picture of Aibi showed the catfish's incredibly unbalanced whiskers. One was really long and the other short. Priceless.

7) An electronic keyboard+ The theme to Deliverance+Strings setting= Emo Deliverance. It made me want to cut myself while gutting a fish.

8)An unending string of justifications to eat every dessert in the place consecutively the first night.

a) We need matches so we can't have smores. I'll have fruit and a weight watchers ice cream.

b) Bomb Pops are practically water anyways and it's still hot out.

c) I am still slightly hungry and we need to wait up for Amy and Aibi so a chocolate chip cookie will give me a caffeine boost.

d) Technically you don't need a fire for smores- you can make them golden on the stovetop. Shame to have smores only one night when it could have been two. Shame to eat only one smore.

9) Here's to CHAD awareness and support. Whatever the heck CHAD actually was.

10) Staying up late for Aibi and Amy was worth it just to watch Best Week Ever(I guarantee it!) and Bear Grylls(this part of the monitor is sooo tasty!)

Ladies- I miss you all already. What a weekend.

A Mother's Secret (Lifetime movie pending)

Tuesday, June 3, 2008 |

"Holy Crap! That is NOT worth a lollipop!" Slow slide to floor. And scene.

So I am totally unable to use my left arm today. I went to my pre-employment check-up yesterday and they saw it had been 8 yrs since my last Tetanus shot and they give it with Pertussis now to adults(like 4 of my instructors actually got whooping cough last year from being at Children's) they gave me a dpT (diptheria pertussis tenatus) on the spot. And drew blood and gave me a Tb test. On the same arm. YAY!

So the nurse said it would hurt possibly last night or this morning and be a bit achy and I might get a fever or headache. So an hour later I was like OWWWWWW. It was hurting already. I went home and felt crappy so I took a 4 hour nap. 4 HOURS! Then I sat around all night whining about my arm and then fell asleep at like 11:30 and slept for like 10 hours. And tossed and turned all night because stuff kept touching my arm. I was forced to skip my precious Zumba class this morning due to arm gimp and then have sat at home going OW OW OW all day. I went grocery shopping and had to do everything with one arm. Then I came home and had issues putting groceries away because I couldn't lift my arm at all.

Why am I telling you this? It all ties in with the future Lifetime movie. My mom comes home from work this afternoon and asks how I am and I tell her my arm is a throbbing mess and she says....really why? (so apparently she pays no attention to anything going on around her- not a suprise to anyone) So I I got the dpT in it yesterday. And she's all " didn't get all your shots as a child because you were allergic. You aren't supposed to get a dpT you just get Tetanus. "

Ok- isn't a mother supposed to tell her child is she had a horrible allergic reaction as a child? I was have my shot records and no where on it does it say anything about me not getting all my baby shots for pertussis or me being allergic to anything? Why didn't you say anything about it? Or....maybe WRITE IT ON THE RECORD??????

And she's all "Well....I'm sure I've said something about it before."

And I'm NO you didn't - as far as I'm aware I have only one drug allergy and that's it. If I had another one you have never said anything or written it on any medical record EVER.

And her response" weren't supposed to get that shot. I bet your arm hurts bad."

Yes does.

The sad reality is I probably would have had to get this shot anyways. Pertussis is way worse that a hurt arm or a possible anaphalactic reaction- right? Someone sell my story to pay off my student loans and credit card if I don't survive.

The Hidden Valley Incident

Sunday, June 1, 2008 |

So here's the story since Alison and my sis have not yet stolen the blogworthy event.

The Setting: Opening of Sunday School Lesson

Candice Meldrum(teacher):In the gospel there are a lot of words it is hard to describe. What are some words we use in the church that are confusing for people outside the church? ( I am paraphrasing)

Answer 1: Ward

Answer 2: Stake

Me: Ranch Dressing, I am telling you, it is SOOO hard to describe to someone who has never had it.

Everyone in class: weird looks in my direction

My sister(whispering): Erica stop now- that is NOT what she was asking!!!!

Aibi: so is it Tuna or Chicken Jessica?

And Scene.

Here is what I heard :

Candice: There are some things that are hard to describe in the church- what are some things that are hard to describe?

( I immediately think of the famous how do you describe the spirit? It's like Salt analogy)

Answer 1: (I didn't hear it)

Answer 2: Steak

Me: Ranch Dressing

(And yes, I WAS wearing Jessica Simpson Shoes. Aibi is psychic and very flattering too. Flatter Flatter. )